Thursday, December 5, 2013

Princess Pan

Peter Pan was a fictional boy who never grew up. While Never Never Land was his home, he would have been very happy in NYC. Most of us are Peter and Princess Pans. We live hand to mouth. We are single, and if we are in a relationship it is more likely casual and just for physical comfort. We are broke most of the time. Despite degrees from fancy institutions like NYU, Weslyan, Vassar, Barnard, Oberlin, or a slew of others where students have Mayflower Blood and cost an arm and a leg we are broke. Yes, we are pursuing pipe dreams. Every time out parents come to town they buy us steak and feed us criticism. We see our high school classmates getting married and having kids on facebook. They have the house, the car. We don't have a house but perhaps when times get tough we could live in your Lexus, right?

I never really gave much thought to my Princess Pan status until recently. I was visiting my sister Skipper in Nashville where we were hanging out with her boyfriend Tucker. In order to have a relationship Tucker moved from Rhode Island to be closer to Skipper. It was because she was a resident, and she had to relocate. He didn't want to lose her. Not only are they in love, but they are talking about marriage. Of course my sister wants a house and kids. This isn't just talk. They have a forever plan of action. Some of it is trippy because this is my baby sister. Some of this is scary because forever is a very long time.

In contrast I have no one. My children include puppets,costumes,and projects where I have some performer, writer, and executive producer duties. Oh and not to forget my books and words, they are my spawn too. the bonus is I gained no weight producing them. Living on black coffee will do that. I don't think I would know what to do if I had a dude. Where would I have time? My future is uncertain despite the fact I work like a dog. I have a bunch of projects pitching and going here, there, and everywhere. Just did two auditions, both for network type things. Both you had to be invited for. Another project I did is being pitched again. I am excited, scared, and nervous. No significant other could ever understand being so stressed over what might not happen that there are chunks of your hair everywhere.

I was engaged when I was younger and it was a shitshow. Then after getting a PO box so my fiance would never find me, I dated several guys who would have married me in an instant. I didn't feel them or I wasn't ready. Just couldn't do it. Couldn't see myself going forever. Again, forever is a very long time.Maybe I could have with Holden Caulfield, but once he kicked the drugs and found God I just couldn't picture myself sleeping next to him without trying to murder him.

There are some people who can't imagine forever alone, I can. It's not bad. Your time is your own. Even when I get lonely I see how my coupled and married friends have to sacrifice in order to make the other one happy even if they don;t want to and they are miserable. Or people have kids which kill your dreams. They say they are happy but when you see them they look tired and miserable. Most of the time they are doing these things because they feel like they have to. It's not about what they want.

My life is about what I want. I want to tour again soon, play theatres. Ideally I want to do the spring and fall in New York to try to get on TV, and then spend the winter and summer touring when things slow down in my city. I have done the shitty bar shows and most of the clubs. Despite my TV time I don't have the respect I want. Plus a headliner friend of mine mentioned I belong in theatres and I agree. Touring requires time and energy. So does a family. I love touring more, end of story. I did a bunch when I was younger and saw the world. I stopped because I did some TV stuff, got a talking head job, and wrote a book. Plus I was earning shit money. Now I am in a position where I could do okay if I toured. My trip to Nashville made me realize how much I missed going to different states and countries, meeting different people. A husband and kids would murder that dream right quick.

My destiny is unknown. I don't know what is next. No man and his penis power could relieve my stress. There is a part of me that sometimes does want a partner. The pursuit of fame does get lonely. I love kids too. For Godssakes I do shows for them. But deep down, I love my carefree friends and selfish lifestyle. I love being able to fly where I want to whenever I need to and want to for work or play. I love being Wendy Darling to gay men who are more Lost Boys than James Barry could have ever dreamed.

I love being a kid forever.

I love never growing up.

I am Princess Pan

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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