Love Is In the Air (John Paul Young)

A little over two years ago, I ended a relationship with a partner who was mentally ill. When it dissolved into chaos as these things typically do with a person who refuses to seek treatment and self-medicates with narcotics, I found myself feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

Combat related PTSD is a hard nut to wrap. Civilian shinks have a hard time treating it let alone understanding it. The VA can help them, but it's badly handled and backed up. Not to mention lots of times vets hate hospitals and like many trauma sufferers, prefer being homeless because being homeless means not having to face their triggers.

My support system was amazing. I went from wanting to smash everything in the room to crying all the time over his loss. A bad relationship is like a limb with gangrene. You know you need to lose it to live, but you want to fight to keep your arm even if there are maggots crawling out of it. One friend in particular said it best, "April, he's your knight of shining armor in a suit of armor that he stole!"

When my ex left, things initially sucked. They always do. But then I discovered a renewed love for comedy. I was studying joke writing like I never had before. I was pounding open mics like a young comedian who had never been on TV, and if she was she was standing on her friend's TV set. I was watching films of old master ventriloquists. I also developed Donald J. Tramp.

I also began to explore life on my own. This was scary but this also meant not being chained to a rock. While a partner can be a rock in a good way they can also weigh you down. This meant going to the RNC as a spokes person for an anti-Trump group, being credentialed press at the debates, and work shopping a one woman show. This also meant mastering releasing a body positive book, a line of merchandise, mastering full body puppetry, and applying for my dream MFA program in creative writing.

I would have been doing none of these things if I was still with my ex. Instead, I would have been a full time caretaker to a partner who refused to seek treatment. I would have continued to justify my codependency at the sake of my own self-preservation and sanity. I would have been "that woman."

I have a great support system around me. Whether it's my mom who gives my phone number and email address to strangers bragging about my status as a celestial being. Or my two straight male housemates who are dedicated to their art and families. Or my wonderful peeps from my Monday night acting class who love comedy as much as I do. Or my friend's from the stand-up world who agonize over every punchline. Or my friends from ACT UP who are as passionate about queer politics and queer identity as I am. Or my friends from my haunted house who I miss dearly and chat with on facebook and instagram. Or my friends from my master's program who are passionate about social justice and the written word like I am. Or my friends who remembered to say Happy Valentine's Day. Or my friends who laugh at my jokes. Or my one friend in particular who sent me flowers and listens to all my dreams no matter how stupid they are. Or my boss who lets me chase my dreams and pays me and hasn't fired me yet. Or my favorite Marine or favorite Mass-hole or favorite Frank Logan or favorite anyone and everyone.

I don't need a label to define me in any way, shape, or form. Whether it is this, that, or the other. I don't have to label the way I live or love as long as I am safe and happy.

I wish the same for you, too.

Another Night (Aretha Franklin)

A little over a year ago I ended a relationship with someone I was working on building a life with. It ended suddenly, horrifically actually. It’s hard to talk about what happened, because the words even after all this time can barely form. However, it was due in a large part to my former partner being mentally ill.

After living with a mentally ill partner, you look at life very differently. For starters you get sick when people equate mental illness to cancer. People with cancer don’t lie. People with cancer seldom refuse to comply with treatment. You don’t see untreated cancer patients in prison or on the street. Cancer patients don’t self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. There is not a fucking stigma against cancer. 

People know cancer isn’t a choice, but they feel you are making a choice to be mentally ill. And when a celeb who’s spoken about cancer comes on the screen everyone is all misty eyed. When it’s someone who spoke about combating mental illness, ohh look at the crazy bitch or bastard.

If you have ever dealt with someone who’s mentally ill, you know they lie and act out in ways that are insulting, baffling, and outright immature. When things ended, my ex did a lot of that. I told myself he was sick a million times a day. I had to. It kept me from going crazy. It kept me from breaking something. It kept me from being sucked back into his shit which was what he wanted. Eventually I ran out of fucks to give and moved on with myself.

A year later, I was out of my unsafe living situation and away from my unstable former partner. Instead, I found myself marching with STAT, Donald J. Tramp as spokespuppet, heading the largest Anti-Trump protest at the RNC that year. We were number 8 on twitter, trending that day. People asked me if I was scared. I remember thinking, “I had bed bugs eating me alive, couldn’t breathe, and had an unstable Iraq War vet boyfriend looking for Isis in the windows. All and all, this is perhaps the safest situation I have been a part of in a while.”

In 2015, my birthday was spent scheduling free legal help at my local neighborhood legal. It was also picking up the pieces after my ex’s devastating departure. This past year it was spent at Hofstra, protesting/street performing outside the debates with Donald J. Tramp. I didn’t need a party. Being a part of American history was a better present than I could have ever dreamed of.

One year prior to the debates, my ex’s sister had called to threaten me. A year later, I was credentialed press in Las Vegas with puppet journalist Donald J. Tramp. I was in the spin room when Donald Trump uttered “bad hombres” and “nasty, nasty woman.” I watched it all unfold, and for as much as his idiot sister or any other woman he manipulated could and would say, they weren’t there with me. Nor would they ever be.

This time last year, I was rebuilding my life after a devastating defeat. Now I am getting ready to return to Restaurant Row with a one woman show. I just showcased at APAP. I am a correspondent for a blog. I am getting ready to teach a ventriloquism class.

The lessons were hard. One was that love isn’t enough. Love wasn’t enough to make my ex get help. Love wasn’t enough to make my ex stop lying. Love wasn’t enough to justify the fact his rages coupled with black outs were getting worse and worse, and that it was getting to the point where my safety was in jeopardy. In my heart, I know he was kind and giving. I know he would have never intentionally hurt me. But people who are mentally ill flip and kill people all the time, especially if they have mood swings and aren’t medicated. My ex claimed meds failed him and refused a medication regimen.

When my sister got married this summer, her priest alluded to the fact that a married couple lives for each other. The truth is, that’s codependency. You don’t live for anyone. The other person is a part of your life not your whole life. All relationships come to an end whether one partner leaves or dies or whatever. And guess what, you have to move on.

You also realize that a person is just a person. They have their faults. They will fuck up. They will disappoint you. And at the end of the day, good and bad, my ex was just a guy. Yeah, I cried when he left but then they handed me eviction papers. I had to pick my ass up off the ground and go to court to fight my landlord who was turning off my water because I called the city on him. My ex wasn’t there to support me. My family was far away. Really and truly, I was on my own.

No man was there to support me and none was going to materialize. At times like this, you see whether or not you are really and truly a feminist. Most women yell and scream about it, but when the time comes to step up to the plate they don’t. I had to step up to the plate. I had to deal with their demeaning bully boy male lawyers. I didn’t have time to cry.

As I was deciding to get the on with it all, it became easier to get rid of all the shit of his I accumulated. It became easier to block him on social media. It became easier to block his number. It became easier to block his sisters and female friends who are all horrific harpies who enable him. It became easier to date other guys. It became easier to grow into my new life It became easier to be define by my own self-worth, not that of a relationship.

The week my sister got married one of her friends was sad that she was the last one who was single in the group. Feeling the feelings weddings bring up, she asked me if I was upset my sister was getting married and I wasn’t. The answer was a huge NO. I love my brother in law like the baby brother I never had, and think he’s perfect for my sister. But I know how it feels to be with someone who’s toxic and bad for me. I know it’s better to be alone then to be with that, and it’s alright to be alone.

I know a relationship does not define me, and am reminded that good friends are better than a partner any day. I have two wonderful housemates, one obsessed with UFOs and the other a happier Van Gough who are characters that were there for me last year when I had a cancer scare. (Yes, what wasn’t happening). I have an awesome job where I get paid to make people happy, and an even more awesome boss who puts me front and center whenever I can. I have an awesome mentor in Las Vegas, and his people are awesome. I have an awesome friend who’s a mentalist that awesomely predicted the Super Bowl. I have an awesome friend who was my puppet wrangler and has been front and center through all my madness. I have an awesome family.

So this Valentine’s Day, I wont be getting flowers or candy and that’s alright. My life is full of people who love and support me, and someone people don’t even have one person who loves and supports them……and those people are in committed relationships!

Bottom line, if you are in a rough time, you can rock your way out. If the Pats can win the Super Bowl, you can climb out of your pit of despair. And being alone is better than being with someone who’s unhealthy for you. At the end of the day you can have all the love in the world but you really gotta love yourself. Just saying kids. This is as deep as this bitch gets for now. 

Come see The Lady and President Tramp

February 20, 2017 7PM

Dont Tell Mama

343 W. 46 Street

The Break Up Alphabet

For those of you who have ever had a bad break up with an idiot. This is a tribute to not one but several ex boyfriends of mine. Yes, those who came, stole my heart, stole me a present, and always made me pay. But don't give up on love kids, because at least when you are unlucky in love there's a good story afterward.....

A is for Alien Abduction, when you dropped that bombshell I wasn't woman enough to stick around.

B is for Bobby, your broke ass broke best friend who always needed money and was living rent free with his girlfriend. Now I know where you felt so inspired.

C is for Child Support. You made them. Damn, they are making you pay for them.....even when you lied and told me you had no kids.

D is for Double Wide. I wax nostalgic about what we could have shared sometimes.

E is for Engaged on the 3rd date. That was a bad decision on my part, especially when you considered marrying in secret and breaking the news to my parents when the time was right.

F is for Five Finger Discount. I wish I could say you stole me something nice, but the things you took were always stupid and classless just like you. But you did steal me an air mattress once and that I needed, thank you :)

G is Gina, your weirdo sister who knew waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too much about your relationship with me. I think she was really the girl of your dreams. Alas, as they say, a family who sleeps together stays together.

H is for Holland Tunnel, the nickname I gave the vagina of your ex-girlfriend Jenny, the one who has 5 kids with 4 different guys who insists you are just friends that happened to send naked pictures.  But maybe she was your Cinderella. And you are the next Prince Charming (who doesn't pay child support).

I is for It's All Her Fault. Yes, your child's mother is so unfair dragging you to court and making you pay for the kid you sired and denied. She's not being mean, anyone would be pissed after realizing that not only did they sleep with you, but they have created a new breed of genetic mutant that might potentially destroy the world......oops, it's got your DNA, it's not smart enough to destroy the world.

J is Jail, what is where you were when you not only missed my birthday but you lied about the fact you were even in legal trouble. And J is also Judge who locked you up for being dumb enough to get caught.

K is for Katrina, the ex who still loves you and is all over your social media like velcro. She cheated on you, had a kid by that dude, but wants you back because he has a job and why would she want a man who pays child support? Oh and you, yes you, who has no job and lives in your mother's basement will rescue her!

L is for Love. It's the shortened version of the phrase, "I need a place to stay rent free and you happen to be in the neighborhood where I hang out most. I also intend to eat your food and use your utilities like the dirt bag I am."

M is Move Right In and just leave your things after the first date. Of course this is after you threw in love.

N is for Not paying rent here because I let you use my body. While it might work for your moocho bestie who's hot, your body ain't that good.

O is for Open the Door, leave, and don't let it hit you in the ass. I threw your stuff out the window in case you are looking for it.

P is for Penis Pic. Shouldn't you have taken me to McDonalds and made me pay before the disappointment set in?

Q is for Quit making excuses, we both know you are a lying sack of shit who mooches off of women, makes kids he doesn't support, and lies when all is said and done.

R is for Ruiner of Life, that is the title you should write books under but that would mean being able to read.

S is for Stalking, that is a crime. Now get the fuck off my lawn you weirdo. And yes, I know it's you under that ski mask.

T is for Trash, yeah, that's the name of your ex girlfriend you were cheating on me with, and the one you hooked up with the night we broke up. (But as I said you were one big old sexual disappointment, Big Guy. And now that it's over you do need a new place to live).

U is for Undercover, that is how you were operating before your wife called. Apparently she was unaware you had an open relationship.

V is for VD. I heard Swamp Thing, the girl you hooked up with after we broke up because she looked like me (that is, if I really gave up on life). You said I couldn't get mad for that reason alone. But she gave you something that you needed penicillin for. HA! (God hates the same things I do).

W is White Trash. You all hate Obama but he is feeding you whole family, the families of your friends and their throngs of children out of wedlock. How? (Answer: By making America work for them!)

Z is for Zzzzzzz, the stupidity of you and your idiot friends has left me rather tired.

Clinky S. Truman: Tale of a Snuggle Buddy

I have a new man in my life. Relax, it's not a boyfriend. At least not in the technical sense. His name is Clinky S. Truman. You see, Clinky is a Valentine's Day present from someone whom I have grown super, super fond of. A true kindred spirit, he like myself is a complete history nut. When I went to his house and saw he had original newspaper clippings from the day Lincoln was shot I was awestruck and I don't know if starstruck is the correct word, but eh.

Like myself, this fellow can name all the presidents in order, and like me he even knows the name of their wives. What does this accomplish in the scope of the world? Absolutely nothing.

It's rare to have the dork taled bond like this, and most people don't understand it. Once, I was on a date with a dude who was a complete and utter Neanderthal. Granted, he was handsome but in the words of Judge Judy, "Beauty fades and dumb is forever."

In any event, it was a party that was pretty horrific and my date went to watch some show on television which was more akin to his IQ. Yes, a show where the participants risked death and the barbaric spectators at home gaffawed. My date, the duranged version of Pauly D, thought the show was the bees knees as he and his fellow cave men engaged in a bizarre ritual of chest pounding. Bored and ready to put a pencil through my eye, and trust me his friends were too stupid to have ever seen one, I left and found the two dorks I knew in the room.

My date for the evening. It looks as bad as it was, trust me.

Within minutes, we found ourselves discussing General McClelland and how he nearly bungled The Civil War for the Union. We also began to engage in a discourse about how the art of war had changed. While I didn't want to be disrespectful to my date, I was talking about things that expanded my mind. I didn't mean to be gone for long but was sucked in. I figured my date found some cave dweller closer to his phylum of pretty, feeble minded trash. In events like these, usually not only is that the case but he leaves with her, the girl who's panties he doesn't have to work to get off.
Not here. Pauly D walks over, harshes my mellow, and hisses, "What, am I not exciting enough for you?" No Slow Poke. You aren't. And then he went on some trailer park-esque tirade about how he spent money on me therefore he owned me for the evening. I told him I had a job and if he wanted that attitude he could hire a hooker. Then I reminded him I was in fact smarter, and that was the beginning of the end. The end came when he sent me a text, I corrected his massive spelling mistakes, and he told me just because I could spell didn't make me better, but alas he misspelled the word better.

I do have the connection to one person aside from the man who sent me the teddy bear. That person is my dad. When we watch Big Battles, we are like two Gremlins at the movie theatre. The rest of the family whines as we hold them hostage. Hitler and his evil Nazi shitheads are about the be defeated by the Allies Goddamnit! The rest of the family groans, we know America is going to win. Yes, but don't tell us that. Don't spoil the miracle.

My dad and I watching Big Battles. Yeah, it scares everyone.

I wanted to name my new stuffed friend after the man who sent him. This fellow, as I mentioned also a history nut, has bloodlines descending from The Mayflower. His name even sounds so, and it would have been a dignified teddy bear name. Then he said his childhood nickname had been Clinky. Thus it became the bear's name.
I decided to give the bear the second half of his name after perhaps the most underappreciated but perhaps the most honest leader America has ever had, Harry S. Truman. Yes, the little senator from Pendergast. The one prone to occasional vulgarity and the one who didn't take any shit from anyone. They called him "Give 'Em Hell Harry" and oh yes he did.

I wouldn't want to piss this dude off, ever.

Truman became the Vice President quite by accident. Roosevelt's advisors felt Truman would be the best Vice Presidential candidate because his predessor leaned too far to the left and America was paranoid about Communism since the Russian Revolution. Roosevelt was intrigued that a man from Missouri, a notorious conservative state, could be balanced, fair, and a middle of the road liberal.
However, Roosevelt and Truman only met a few times. Because he was Vice President, Truman was treated like an understudy, akin to the backup quarterback. While benched, he had to be ready to play at any given time, but as we all know most of the time the back up does not see game time. Truman knew the basics of Roosevelt's foreign policy, but his job was to lead Senate and stay out of Roosevelt's hair. Added bonus, also to avoid any major scandal but no one truly cares about the Vice President.
That is, until Roosevelt died in the arms of his mistress. Truman went to comfort Eleanor Roosevelt. He asked her if she needed anything. She said, "Me? You're the one in trouble now."
Of course she would know. Much like the House of Clinton, while the man who benefitted from the patriarchy was falling weak to his basest of instincts, his more intelligent wife, not given the opportunities because of sexism, was running the country. The more her husband was out of the house the better. Truman knew this too. This is why he gave Mrs. Roosevelt so many UN opportunities.

The real President Roosevelt

The antithesis of the overeducated, out of touch, yet benevolent near dictator he replaced, Truman hadn't recieved a formal college education but somehow became an administrative judge and then head judge of Jackson Country, Missouri. Direct, feisty, and fair, Truman was not only a welcome relief to America but someone who was truly in touch with the people he ruled because not so long ago he had been one himself.
While Germany surrendered, America was still in the grips of conflict with Imperial Japan. Truman wanted a swift exit with a swift solution. America had been at war for far too long. So was it a land invasion or the atomic bomb?
 Either way, the American dead had piled up throughout the years. Americans were weary of body bags and weary of mothers burying their dead sons. While it meant killing Japanese innocents, it was either a million of ours or a million of theirs and it was no other way.Needless to say, after a heartwrenching wrestling match with his conscience, Truman did the still controversial thing of dropping the bomb.
Truman warned the Japanese government of his intentions and gave them ample time to surrender. Alas, they did not take the American president seriously. One atomic bomb came their way. There was still some resistence. Then another one was dropped. Finally, Japan surrendedered. Truman knew this was a lose/lose situation. He wasn't happy about it. But he was thrust into the seat of commander and chief and had to do what was necessary.

Action shot, Truman doing something presidential.

As far as leaders went, Truman was ahead of the bell curve. He was a practical progressive and a liberal with a backbone. Long before Obama made Obamacare a reality, Truman proposed national health care. His heart aching for the Jews of Europe, much to the consternations of conservatives, he helped create the state of Israel. Truman was also instrumental in the Civil Rights movement. Like Roosevelt before him, he sought to desegregate. He wanted Civil Rights not just for blacks but for Native Americans, Latinos, and women as well. Being a fair and balanced man, Truman, if he had the dialogue, would have probably opened the conversation to the topic of LGBTQ people. Also, he led the Americans from a war time economy to a peace time economy and saw growth both times.
Korea, nicknamed Mr. Truman's War, in some ways it was a blunder. The goal was to contain The Soviet Union. It was the auspicious start of America acting as an odd big brother. Truman wanted Wilsonian ideals and wanted to end isolationism. Still, while national security was at an all time risk, more so in those days then it is now, with the Rosebergs and all, perhaps in retrospect his actions make sense. 
Like everyone else in America, I have mixed feelings about this. Not every culture is equipped to embrace democracy. Yet at the same time, the arrival of America presents the fact their might be a better option. Also, each time America has taken down a dictator they were an evil presence that needed to go. While we have done so in countries where the natural resources were plentiful, it still bettered the lives of those people. Perhaps America should decide whether it wants to be Big Brother to no one or everyone and not just the people who had oil. Like Truman said in regards to Israel, "It's not because they have oil but it is my moral duty to do so."
Either way, much like Obama, he had a conservative house that attempted to thwart him. Not taking his hits lying down, he fought right back. He knew a great many Americans voted Republican, but knew the very party they supported was the one that sought to impede their rights and resources.
Truman also caused quite a stir when he fired Douglas MacArthur. At any job, you cannot obey your boss regardless of your military expertise. Especially if you boss is the president, Pal. Thus Truman's approval ratings were at either an all time high or a bitter low.

MacArthur, smoking on the job. No wonder he got fired.

His daughter sang and a critic ripped her to shreds, he became a dad and responded in kind. Truman said he responded not as the president but as a father. Bess Truman, his wife, hated The White House and being First Lady. His mom would call and tell him how to run the country. Bitter about the outcome of the Civil War, she refused to stay in the Lincoln bedroom even if her son was president.
At the end, what made Truman so tremendous was he was president during a difficult time. He had to make some decisions that no leader should have to make anywhere in regards to the safety of the people he governed. America was in the midst of a tough time home and away, and we needed a tough leader like Truman. While he had much to contend with, moreso than the Bush father and son duo, he dealt with these things as he kept his sanity, sense of humor, and above all things dignity as well as honor.
God, do I wish Harry Truman were running today.
Upon retirement, Truman returned to Missouri and didn't want to collect off of his past as President. He felt it would degrade the office and the people of the United States. No man who has held the office, before or after, would have been so noble. While financially unstable in those times, Truman made money from selling the rights not only to his life story but history as he understood it.
Later, when the gravity of Truman's situation was revealed, a bill was past to give a pension to those who were president. Bottom line, Truman would rather die a pauper than be a shill who ever feasted off the bones of others. Since that time, those that proceeded him were overeducated, opportunistic, silver spoon fed sons christened for political office who would have had no problems capitalizing off of once being commander and chief.
History has been kind to Harry Truman and with good reason. He was not a career politician who sought to sell out those he supported. Truman's main focus was the people he governed, the sanctity of the office, and above all things, being fair. And FYI, Truman was a true student of history and literature. If he were alive and well, he would probably he happy as a pig in shit in front of the History Channel, too.
However, high schools still do an injustice to this leader who perhaps was the most unsung American hero. They gloss over his presidency in order to finish the year on Civil Rights. While these things are important, one cannot ignore the man who laid the groundwork for that. Or as Truman would say, and this is a Truman quote in the room of a history teacher who ironically gave him the shady skip treatment, "There is nothing new in the world except the history you do not know."

The teddy bear is really named after this man, Teddy Roosevelt

So perhaps half-naming a teddy bear after Truman is not far off, although it was originally named after another president, Teddy Roosevelt. That being said, my teddy bear reminds me that it is important to be fair, kind, balanced, just, and it is okay to have a backbone. That it's okay to stand up to bullies. That sometimes, you give the most when people expect the least from you.
On the flipside, you are never too old to have a stuffed, oversized, snuggle buddy.

Truman giving me a big teddy bear hug and kiss