52 Lines About 26 Men

Inspired by 88 lines about 44 women by the nails, I had to. It's the alphabet with the names of the men I dated. While I tend to roast my exes, they were all actually special in their own way. The truth is, we all make this journey into the continuum of life, and we never know what the next stop is because we aren't supposed to go until we get there. So why not laugh a little.

A is for Anthony, I fell for you bad. I cried when it ended, because I missed your Park Avenue Pad.

B is for Brandon, my 8^th grade crush. Who turned out to be a used car salesman and a great big lush.

C is for Craig, the European history buff that I met at the library one night. You weren’t a great kisser, but you were incredibly bright.

D is for Derek, who I met in the park. On the first date you confessed, you became a werewolf after dark.

E is for Evan, the one I almost missed. You were unremarkable and boring, so you almost got left off the list. 

F is for Frank, I would have given you my heart and soul for sale. The relationship ended when you didn’t tell me you were going to jail.

G is for George Washington, my lawyer ex with the president’s name. Unlike your honest namesake you constantly lied, but weren’t very good at keeping up your game.

H is for Harry, you were always so much fun. That is, until you decided to go to the bank and slipped them a note stating you had a gun.

I is for Igor, the name says it all. He was from Moldova, and was 7 feet fall.

J is for the man I thought I loved so named Joe. When we broke up, I wrote a country song telling him Hell No.

K is for Kevin, the arrogant bad tipper who invented a weird kind of sprocket. Made millions but lost it, during the pop of the stock market.

L is for Larry, you said we would be soul mates for life. The whole realization was shattered, when I got a call from your wife.

M is for Mike, he was handsome, Harvard educated, and perfect, so the story goes. Third date he confessed he got abducted by UFOs

N is for Nelson, a handsome man with quite a situation. He had a plan to overthrow the government, and one for world domination.

O is for Omar, I fell for him hard. Until I discovered he was homeless and needed a green card.

P is for Paul, who was a lot of fun. Things ended unfortunately, because he was a fugitive on the run.

Q is for Quince, who pursued me then went all ghost. Well he married a controlling wench, got fat, and shows that God and I hate the same things most.

R is for Rueben, my freshmen fling from my floor. When the school year ended and you moved, I didn’t see you anymore.

S is for Sean, my former fiancé oh gee. He kind of gave me an ultimatum, “Your puppets or me.”

T is for Travis, with the sparkling blue eyes. The date ended weird when he said, “Hitler was one of the good guys.”

U is for Ucal, who’s parents named him that in hopes he would be great. Turned out he had no job, and made me pay for the date.

V is for Vince, the sexy activist who wanted to find a solution. Thought he stood me up, but turns out he was jailed for starting the revolution.

W is for William, who was also a writer. When I made him cry after a disagreement, it was revealed he wasn’t a fighter.

X is for Xander, a man I met at 14 in AOL chat. If you’ve experienced the internet, you know nothing good comes of that.

Y is for Yahweh, he legally changed it, not my fault. It was a little interesting dating a man who wanted to form his own cult.

Z is for Zach, who wanted to legally change his name to Zach attack. He ended up homeless, because unfortunately drugs are whack. 

The Break Up Alphabet

For those of you who have ever had a bad break up with an idiot. This is a tribute to not one but several ex boyfriends of mine. Yes, those who came, stole my heart, stole me a present, and always made me pay. But don't give up on love kids, because at least when you are unlucky in love there's a good story afterward.....

A is for Alien Abduction, when you dropped that bombshell I wasn't woman enough to stick around.

B is for Bobby, your broke ass broke best friend who always needed money and was living rent free with his girlfriend. Now I know where you felt so inspired.

C is for Child Support. You made them. Damn, they are making you pay for them.....even when you lied and told me you had no kids.

D is for Double Wide. I wax nostalgic about what we could have shared sometimes.

E is for Engaged on the 3rd date. That was a bad decision on my part, especially when you considered marrying in secret and breaking the news to my parents when the time was right.

F is for Five Finger Discount. I wish I could say you stole me something nice, but the things you took were always stupid and classless just like you. But you did steal me an air mattress once and that I needed, thank you :)

G is Gina, your weirdo sister who knew waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too much about your relationship with me. I think she was really the girl of your dreams. Alas, as they say, a family who sleeps together stays together.

H is for Holland Tunnel, the nickname I gave the vagina of your ex-girlfriend Jenny, the one who has 5 kids with 4 different guys who insists you are just friends that happened to send naked pictures.  But maybe she was your Cinderella. And you are the next Prince Charming (who doesn't pay child support).

I is for It's All Her Fault. Yes, your child's mother is so unfair dragging you to court and making you pay for the kid you sired and denied. She's not being mean, anyone would be pissed after realizing that not only did they sleep with you, but they have created a new breed of genetic mutant that might potentially destroy the world......oops, it's got your DNA, it's not smart enough to destroy the world.

J is Jail, what is where you were when you not only missed my birthday but you lied about the fact you were even in legal trouble. And J is also Judge who locked you up for being dumb enough to get caught.

K is for Katrina, the ex who still loves you and is all over your social media like velcro. She cheated on you, had a kid by that dude, but wants you back because he has a job and why would she want a man who pays child support? Oh and you, yes you, who has no job and lives in your mother's basement will rescue her!

L is for Love. It's the shortened version of the phrase, "I need a place to stay rent free and you happen to be in the neighborhood where I hang out most. I also intend to eat your food and use your utilities like the dirt bag I am."

M is Move Right In and just leave your things after the first date. Of course this is after you threw in love.

N is for Not paying rent here because I let you use my body. While it might work for your moocho bestie who's hot, your body ain't that good.

O is for Open the Door, leave, and don't let it hit you in the ass. I threw your stuff out the window in case you are looking for it.

P is for Penis Pic. Shouldn't you have taken me to McDonalds and made me pay before the disappointment set in?

Q is for Quit making excuses, we both know you are a lying sack of shit who mooches off of women, makes kids he doesn't support, and lies when all is said and done.

R is for Ruiner of Life, that is the title you should write books under but that would mean being able to read.

S is for Stalking, that is a crime. Now get the fuck off my lawn you weirdo. And yes, I know it's you under that ski mask.

T is for Trash, yeah, that's the name of your ex girlfriend you were cheating on me with, and the one you hooked up with the night we broke up. (But as I said you were one big old sexual disappointment, Big Guy. And now that it's over you do need a new place to live).

U is for Undercover, that is how you were operating before your wife called. Apparently she was unaware you had an open relationship.

V is for VD. I heard Swamp Thing, the girl you hooked up with after we broke up because she looked like me (that is, if I really gave up on life). You said I couldn't get mad for that reason alone. But she gave you something that you needed penicillin for. HA! (God hates the same things I do).

W is White Trash. You all hate Obama but he is feeding you whole family, the families of your friends and their throngs of children out of wedlock. How? (Answer: By making America work for them!)

Z is for Zzzzzzz, the stupidity of you and your idiot friends has left me rather tired.