Idiots at the Gym

I go to the gym quite a bit. Okay I am admittedly a gym rat as they say. I worked at a gym in high school. College in my junior year I lived in a building with a gym. I go to the gym every day now. But the thing is, some people don't act as they should at the Temple of Health.

I was in the weight room the other day and this dude was average height and weight. He was lifting a moderate amount of weight on the squat. Out of no where he starts grunting. WTF?!?! First off, you are not lifting enough to grunt like that. Second, did you read the sign? It says no grunting, swearing or any other obnoxious noise!!!! Am I the only one that sees this! Of course he proceeds to do it again. I am like, dear God. This hyper-masculine bullshit is really getting me down. I wanted to know what cave Mr. Neanderthal came out of. Grunt, grunt, grunt. Do you come with a club to hit your future bride with over the head you moron!!!

Then there is this other girl who, first time I ever saw her, was cavorting her way around the free weight area. She had spandex shorts and this badly dyed blonde hair. Of course she dressed trashy enough to look attractive while trying to work out. It's bad enough she ruins it for every member of my gender trying to make it the right way. Well Jiggle Bunny walks over to the squat rack and has no weight on there. She squats down far enough and sticks out her ass enough like, "Guys, I like it in the boot." I just wanted to smack that trashy ho on the ass and tell her to put some pants on her flabby rear. I also wanted to put some weight on that bar. Make the bitch work.

The last was the couple who got PDA in the free weight area. I realize you are a couple. It's great you bump uglies and may or may not procreate in the future polluting the gene pool with your miscreant genes. However, I don't need to see you two drooling all over each other and making out in the free weight area. YOU BOTH ARE DISGUSTING. NO ONE WANTS TO IMAGINE YOU NAKED.

I don't know. They are lucky I am not like Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany who used to carry a stick around and beat people who didnt act accordingly.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Yes, No, Maybe

I have a crush. Yes, a crush. The first one I have had in months. It is an extremely long story. I can't get into it and well, it's just crazy. But yeah, have a crush. It's kind of crazy. Crushes are irresponsible. Crushes are one of those things that are imaginary. Men that I crush on are like Mr. Potato Head. You start from the ground up and build them step by step.

This dude is totally not my type in a lot of ways either. I mean he's good hearted and all. I just have a feeling that it totally wouldn't work out. But I don't care. I am entitled to my crush, right?

I was telling my new assistant Masimo about this. Masimo saw his photo, thought it he was hot -Masimo is gay by the way, and we giggled. Yes my crush is hot. Yes he is that kind of white boy I am not typically into. But I can dig it. In my mind he is Mr. Perfect, but I know otherwise. In my mind he can do no wrong and say nothing stupid, although his facebook page proves otherwise.

This week I did a show for some kids at the Phoenix House in Long Island. They age ranged from 15-20. According to them the 15 year olds were the worst coming in, doing the most drugs and drinking the hardest. When I looked at these kids I realized that they were at the yes, no and maybe age. I wanted to tell them now that I was no longer drinking my social skills with men had improved. That now I could look a dude in the eye without my puppets and tell him I thought he was hot.But that is a flat out lie. I can't. Most of the time when I have a crush I admire from afar. Usually I say something stupid and it's all over. Or I am just myself and they run in the other direction. However I think these dudes picked up on the fact I was awkward when it came to the guys, lol.

If only I had May Wilson's confidence than I would be getting boyfriends at my door all the time. Then again, when May offers sexual favors she doesn't get a stalker that followers her home.

Like an idiot I have been all over my crush's facebook page looking at the women he is posing with. And I have been taking the very female but very mentally unstable action of hating them all. In my mind this dude has gone from my boyfriend, to being the hottest lover ever, and we are breaking up as we speak and we have only talked a few times. And for the record I did the dumping. I know, sexified, right?

I cannot do this whole guy thing. It's just too hard.

Maybe I will stick to puppets. They do and say what I want.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com