Idiots at the Gym

I go to the gym quite a bit. Okay I am admittedly a gym rat as they say. I worked at a gym in high school. College in my junior year I lived in a building with a gym. I go to the gym every day now. But the thing is, some people don't act as they should at the Temple of Health.

I was in the weight room the other day and this dude was average height and weight. He was lifting a moderate amount of weight on the squat. Out of no where he starts grunting. WTF?!?! First off, you are not lifting enough to grunt like that. Second, did you read the sign? It says no grunting, swearing or any other obnoxious noise!!!! Am I the only one that sees this! Of course he proceeds to do it again. I am like, dear God. This hyper-masculine bullshit is really getting me down. I wanted to know what cave Mr. Neanderthal came out of. Grunt, grunt, grunt. Do you come with a club to hit your future bride with over the head you moron!!!

Then there is this other girl who, first time I ever saw her, was cavorting her way around the free weight area. She had spandex shorts and this badly dyed blonde hair. Of course she dressed trashy enough to look attractive while trying to work out. It's bad enough she ruins it for every member of my gender trying to make it the right way. Well Jiggle Bunny walks over to the squat rack and has no weight on there. She squats down far enough and sticks out her ass enough like, "Guys, I like it in the boot." I just wanted to smack that trashy ho on the ass and tell her to put some pants on her flabby rear. I also wanted to put some weight on that bar. Make the bitch work.

The last was the couple who got PDA in the free weight area. I realize you are a couple. It's great you bump uglies and may or may not procreate in the future polluting the gene pool with your miscreant genes. However, I don't need to see you two drooling all over each other and making out in the free weight area. YOU BOTH ARE DISGUSTING. NO ONE WANTS TO IMAGINE YOU NAKED.

I don't know. They are lucky I am not like Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany who used to carry a stick around and beat people who didnt act accordingly.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Sidewalk Scene

I was walking home the other day when I ran across a guy handing out fliers for a strip joint. He had on his strip club apron and I paid no mind until the following piece of dialogue ensued:

Man: He Baby!

I turn around

Me: Excuse me?

Man smiles

Me: No, I do not want a flier?

Man: I was going to ask for your number.

I stand there dumbfounded. He is passing out fliers to a strip joint. Women will be swinging off a pole who have enough silicone in their bras to rescue the dead from the Titanic. Not to mention it will be a pleasant reminder what my gender periodically tries to overcome in their sexual oppression. However, the I might want to ask Bambi where she gets her ten inch heals and outfit. And maybe I can borrow it later. She won't be wearing it for very long. However, this fool has crossed the line. The NYU woman in me is coming out.

Me: Hell no. Not doing that job and not in that outfit.

Man now stands there dumbfounded. I see my friend Ben laughing in the background

Ben: That was pretty funny.

Me: Yeah, some people.

We both laugh

End scene

Love

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

An April and Jessica Adventure

Last night my new comedy buddy Jessica Stern and I went to the Metropolitan Room for the NY Hysterical Society Open Mic. More often than not I opt not to do open mics. I have paid my dues and deplore paying for stage time. Not to mention after some of the things I have done I shouldn't have to. But it would be a chance to hang out with a new friend, see some old friends, and maybe make a connection or two. Plus at this mic there would be people who were serious about the whole comedy thing.

The mic ended up being a lot of fun actually. Everyone was really good. The newbies were even solid. While some may have been green, the jokes were well thought out. As for the vets, well they were excellent. Actually, there really wasn't one weak link the entire night which is rare for a mic. So I recommend this mic fully. My set had been good.

At first I was making the mistake of trying to be funny, the sand trap for any comedian. It's like trying to be cool. When you try you always fail. At the moment I just said fuck it I started to sail smoothly. I think as my dear friend Eddie Brill put it, that I decided to have fun. That is one of the hardest things for me to do. Some of it is my ego. Some of it is that I have been at this a while and have a chip on my shoulder about some things in the business. Of course some is the cynicism that goes with being a New York Comedian, where having fun is great but being funny is indeed serious business. In any event, when I let go of the attitude and just let me be me I was fine. I always am. Either I am stupid or thick headed or just have the self worth of a gnat because that is the continual lesson I seem to learn onstage. I think that is every comedian who has been at it a while.

After me Bucky O'Hare went up. He had some Afrofied name from some mother who was trying to make a Black Panther-like statement in order to make sure her child would either never be employed or be collared for the rape of a white woman. At first I thought he was a decent dude because he seemed relatively supportive. He also brought his girlfriend who seemed very sweet and supportive. Actually she was much too pretty for him. So he gets up and rips on me a little for having a puppet. Fine. I can live with the fact that the puppets are probably the reason I have no man. Who needs a man when you can have puppets? Fo serious.

Well Bucky O'Hare, and I am using this because he had buck teeth that had a huge gap, proceeds to insult my comedy buddy. For those of you that don't know Jessica likes the dark meat. So Bucky tells my friend she is a little too thick for him, and the room laughs nervously. Then he say that Jessica is like pancakes splattered in the middle of the road. WTF?!?!?! Now that is rude. I am thinking, you bucked toothed ugly mutherfucker. Are you bullying another woman to impress your girlfriend? And the nerve of you with those buck teeth with the gap in the front to say something like this to Jessica. Oh maybe Madonna and Jewel have buck teeth but they have these things called TALENT and a CAREER. The room goes silent for a few minutes and he has a hard time winning them back. He deserved it. That's what he gets for being a dickhead.

Bucky O'Hare eventually leaves with his sheepish girlfriend who is probably forced to take the tab everytime they go out because his broke ass has no job. (Note if Bucky were a rapper they would be dining and dashing. Either way they will be making another child he refuses to support). They sneak out because why support the rest of the comedians when your girl can watch you insult another woman for no reason at another mic? Of course you can talk about the career you will never have too, Bucky.

Maybe this whole thing was a "joke" but it hit below the gut because I have struggled with my weight. I did every unhealthy thing imaginable to control it when I was younger. For Bucky O'Hare who was as skinny as a rail, because he was probably a crack baby, he never had this issue. I know how it is to go to school and have people say terrible things about your weight. I know how terrible it is to hear it from a guy that they wouldnt go out with me because I had too many pounds. So yes, Bucky O'Hare has officially made my shit list.

Well Jessica rose to the occasion. Just like the gentlemen his single, illiterate, idiot of a mother did not raise him to be, Bucky did not apologize. Why would a classless human being do such a thing? So Jessica confronted him in the nicest way possible and told Bucky never to make fun of her weight again. Bucky being an utter coward of a man did not know what to say. Of course Bucky's girlfriend, who probably has to ask permission to use the restroom in his presence as well as speak, was speechless. Note she did not defend her man which means he is a PIECE OF SHIT. But I was proud of Jessica for confronting him nicely and like a corporate HR person, probably something foreign to Bucky because he does not WORK.

Well Bucky did eek out an apology. Still what a jerkoff. JESUS!

Jessica and I then went to the train where we discussed Bucky and why again we are DONE WITH DOMINICAN MEN! (McDonski cause they are McMessy with their Machata). And she also told me how it unfolded with Bucky O'Hare and how she handled it like a lady.

I also relayed the story of a then semi-well known comedian who had been on Comedy Central once and ripped on me for being a ventriloquist at a show. The crowd let him know he was an idiot and he dug himself into a hole. Since doing next to nothing, he released a comedy album on itunes that no one cares about. I wrote a book that is on Amazon, Kindle and Nook. I do book talks at Ivy League Colleges. And I have been on TV much more than he has. While my audiobook was being recorded I met both the former sound engineer for Lauryn Hill who has several platinum records (well he was also his studio, brag) and Deborah Harry. I am going places. He will always be eating McDonalds.

As we were having our two girl against the world moment, a homeless man approached us and began singing some mish mash of Michael Jackson songs. To his credit he had a good voice but he was way creepy. He also told us we were pretty. While Jessica probably needed the compliment because Bucky O'Hare had been so vicious, and she needed to believe that a man thought she was beautiful, even if he had no teeth and a possible crack problem. Well the man kept singing and the both of us got freaked out so we decided to leave.

Well the homeless man proceeded to follow us while continuing to sing and we began running. When we finally got to the adjoining corner we thought we were safe. We saw three young men, probably Dominican ironically, and began talking to them cause they were muy guapo. Well it was more Jessica then me because out of the corner of her eye she saw the homeless man. He had no stopped running. Instead he had found us and was continuing to sing. The Dominican strangers Jessica had befriended were doing nothing to help us. As I said previously, I am done with Dominican men. Also, men in general are useless.

At that moment the wisdom of Razor Rob McCullough echoed in my head. He said, "Know how to defend yourself in a fight. But if you can avoid a conflict, 99.9 percent of the time that is the way to go." So I figured I would either be defending the both of us or we just had to continue running. I am not like Razor Rob in the ring so when the light changed I took Jessica's arm and we bolted. The homeless man did not follow. He could not run through traffic and keep perfect pitch.

When we got into the station we laughed about the night. Perhaps one day we will have adventures that don't involve us potentially dying. I hope that day never comes. Cause if it does life will be so boring.

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace