Just a Friend (Biz Markie)

It all begins when you have a crush on a dude, and they totally mac back. Or are they macking back? It is never quite known. Sometimes I miss the signals, sometimes they miss them too. Either way, when they turn out to be a missed connection and then you are friend zoned it is a bizarre world. Yeah.

I remember my first dalliance into this was when I was in high school. This dude and I were enemies, and then we had an English class and became friends. Then I discovered I had a crush on him. I was totally hitting on him, and then one day he decided he didn't want to sit next to me anymore. Later on VDay he brought flowers to my other friend which totally crushed me. But I survived. They were a better couple than we were. While they didn't last, we remained friends. He has even seen me perform a few times here in NYC. We joke about my high school crush, and it is for the best we became friends. We would have made a lousy couple.

My senior year I did the strange dance with Bobby Parker. He was the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, I hadn't yet discovered what bad decisions were. People wondered what our connection was, and he beat up anyone who said anything bad about me. He had a girlfriend opposite town over who knew about me and wasn't very happy. We never met though, but she was probably a redneck like every chick in that school. Anyway, we did this bizarre flirtation and then I went away to college. Yeah, he broke my heart. But then he got deep into drugs and really wrecked his life. Then he got clean, found God, and annoys the shit out of everyone. As a bonus, he married a girl he met in rehab and now they own and operate a Christian tattoo parlor. Okay, it was better that one didn't work out. And when we see each other we are friends. I thank God he isn't my husband.

College saw the same exact thing. First semester freshmen year, I met an upperclassman transfer I totally dug. I drunk dialed him and said I loved him because I was just loaded. He never spoke to me again. My RA explained he was just trying to protect his penis because I had appeared Lorena Bobbit crazy. Well he showed up to summer session with a new girlfriend and pretended we were all just friends. I was willing to pretend too. It was awkward if I didn't. Well now when we see each other, we are friends. I think he is still kinda scared of me though. In the end, it was better that didn't work out too.

Another dude I became just friends with was one I met after college. We both did comedy and all. I liked him, he liked me, and we kind of just went back and fourth. Nothing ever happened. Then he met his now wife and it was all over. He doesn't perform as much, and has a kid. We are the best of friends, and his wife is a doll. I wish him nothing but the best, and in the end as I have said before, we would have been a terrible match. Hey, a friend who loves you is better than an ex who hates your guts. Trust me, I know.

Then there are those who aren't happy about just being friends. One is an ex of mine who didn't want to be my boyfriend but wanted all the fringe benefits. So when I found someone who did want to be with me, he began to try to win me back at a furious speed. He later married a good friend of mine who decided she hated me after they became engaged. Then he messaged me on his wedding day which was crazy. We worked on a few projects together, and we always were a good team. But his wife hates me as I said. A few months ago, my life was going well and his was in the shitter. He made a scene when I said he was an old friend. Hey, he could have been Mr. April Brucker but he screwed that one up.

Another is a friend of mine from back when I connected with. His relationship was on the rocks. I was single. Things got crazy cause we spent waaaayyyyy too much time together. He got crazyyyyyy possessive over me. I wish things worked out between us, but I didn't want to mess up the friendship we had. He likes me and I like him. As I have said he was a Mac Daddy back in the day, and he is surrounded by way too many sexy women. Still, he got weird when I called him an old friend once. Complicated much?

And then things got even crazier with another flirtation last winter spring. He was a Dominican dude, so not my type. At first I thought he reminded me of a dude who broke my heart. But we clicked. However he was a game player as Spanish dudes tend to be. Things got complicated and bizarre whenever we saw each other without anything actually happening. I just got annoyed with his games and put an end to it. I know he still wants me but I am over him like the Brooklyn Bridge over water. If he wants to be an adult he can find me. But Spanish guys suck at that as I said. Then again, all guys suck at that.....Oops.

I just had a dude who I had a flirtation with that has turned into just a friend. I feel hurt and disappointed but I don't do games. He plays games and I am sooooooo not into that. I still do find him dead sexy though, but the games spoil everything. Then he had a snit fit when I didn't run after him. Do yourself a favor chico and buy a life at the dollar store. Still, I enjoy his company, think he's funny, and we have common interests. I think he is gonna be just a friend. Yeah, I can totally do better.

Now off to tend to my career, my first and only true love. Hopefully it won't disappoint me like the men I date.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com


Come see me April 22nd @ 7pm
Metropolitan Room
34 W. 22nd st. 

Blue Angel (Roy Orbison)

If it is one thing guys are passionate about, it is cars. Even before they learn to drive them. In school, there was always a group of young dudes sketching cars on the front of their binders. Or they were racing motocross and other things that went, “Rum! Rum!” I suppose it’s a man thing. Hell, I never understood it.

Actually it is a man thing. But it’s not entirely bad. When I was around that school age, my Aunt Diane’s dad, aka Mr. Z remodeled old cars. Whenever we went to their farm, he would take us around in them. One was a Model T he was especially proud of. We would all look forward to the ride, and it usually occurred after we took a swim in the pool. The Model T was fun. Not only because he had restored it, but also because it was a piece of history. Mr. Z was a lively man with a good sense of humor too, which made the ride even more memorable. He passed away several years ago, but every time I see a classic car, I know his spirit is not far away.

I do love classic cars though, not just because of Mr. Z. Also partly because guys who restored them used to have 50’s throwback events where they showed them off. During these get togethers, oldies would play and their redone classics would sit side by side. Occurring in the hot Western Pennsylvania summer, it was a homage to a lost time and to manhood. It was a throwback to an era where it wasn’t perfect, but men weren’t afraid to get cut and scraped on cars. They weren’t afraid to wear oil on themselves after fixing their motor. Now they want to talk about their feelings. YUCK! I can’t take that for the record.

Usually they would meet in the parking lot of Lola’s Ice. They would slurp down their Italian Ices with Elvis or Roy Orbison at full blast. I always would see these gatherings as an employee of Flying Robin Supermarket. You see, there are two kinds of employees at a supermarket. Those who run an errand and return, and those who run and errand and disappear. I always returned. You see, this is more rare than you might think that one would return. Yeah, Go Backs aka taking back merchandise that isn’t bought kills time. However, you are at work. Still, some of my coworkers didn’t understand this.

I did which meant I was sent to do errands. Once I went to get the women in floral pizza, and saw these old car get togethers. Some of the young, car obsessed dudes I went to school with were there with fathers, uncles, and grandpas showing auto obsession went back several generations. We weren’t close or anything. So I didn’t say hi. Another time I got to run into the throw back auto show was when the folks in video sent me to get them to Lola’s on a hot summer day. It took me longer than anticipated. Still, I got the ices and they were nice enough to split one with me. (Better than the women in floral).

Anyway, one of the car obsessed lads, a kid by the name of Wilson McDonald, was with his grandpa. “Hey April.” He said.

“Hi Wilson.” I replied in my awkwardness.

I walked away. Wilson’s older relative asked, “You know her?”

“Yeah, she writes death poems and wears too much makeup. But she’s real smart. She looked better than usual tonight.” Wilson replied. Thanks, I guess.

I didn’t learn to appreciate cars until two summers later, though. At the time, I was working as a lifeguard and always walked home. Pittsburgh is an industrial city, so we have a lot of stretches where to cross the street means to tempt death. The safest cross was a place called Billy’s Hoagies. It was a stoner hang out where all the car obsessed dudes used to chill. They would park their cars that drove low to the ground, eat rainbow meat aka meat on it’s last leg, and smoke their cigarettes. Across the street was a car lot. Usually, the mechanics would be outside smoking. Because I would walk past so frequently, I made friends with many of the stoners and mechanics.

Some of the guys were single. Others had girlfriends. Their gal pals were usually either really skinny or really well endowed. These girls wore heavy makeup, and usually cracked bubble gum. I remember one dude was dating this beautician who used to wear the pants in the relationship. The guys used to tease the hell out of him, too. It was pretty funny, actually.

One day, we were all hanging at the car lot. The mechanics were smoking their cigarettes, and shooting the breeze. All of a sudden, the one dude Mike said, “Man, that woman’s breaks need work. You know, the one driving in the sedan.” Mike had his ex’s name tattooed on his arm. He got it at eighteen and regretted it soon after their six month romance ended.

“Yeah, and she’s driving with two feet. So it’s probably going to hit her hard before she even notices.” Bobby said. Yeah, Bobby, the heart throb of the lot. The one who always had some woman trouble that ended in him nearly being shot or stabbed.

The two continued to smoke their Marlboro Reds as the next few cars drove by. “Man, his tail pipe is going to do him in.” Bobby observed. “How many miles do you think he can go?”

“Maybe five before the thing blows.” Mike said.

I stood silent, just observing this whole thing. The next car came by. Mike observed, “Engine issues.” He remarked.

“How do you guys know all this? I mean, they are just driving by?” I finally asked.

“We work on cars all day every day. We know what’s wrong with someone’s car and driving when they pull into the lot.” Mike explained. “You see, when you do something all the time for a long time, you get kind of good at it.”

“Led foot. Buick. Must have had a bad day at work.” Bobby observed as we were talking. From that moment onward, I had a whole new respect for men who loved cars and mechanics in general. Maybe these guys weren’t going to Brown or NYU like my siblings and myself, but they were bright in a way we would never be. I was getting schooled in a way I never dreamed. If the world only thought of them as simple mechanics who worked on cars, they were gravely mistaken.

Now I live in a city where people don’t really drive let alone own cars. However, in the outer boroughs it is different. I have gone through parts of Brooklyn where I see some of the Italian dudes really do work on their cars. However, nothing compares to the Spanish dudes. They even name their cars. The body work is amazing and the sound system is pimp. Whenever I walk through Brooklyn, Queens, or the Bronx and see this, my heart melts.

It makes me think of Mr. Z and the Model T he redid and the spins we took in it. I also remember the classic cars and the oldies blasting in the parking lot. And then I think of my mechanic friends, rating other people’s driving.

Spring is coming and the weather is getting warm. The dudes and the cars are beginning to emerge from hiding. I want one to take me for a spin in his fancy car that he worked so hard on.

I am not asking for a boyfriend. I am not asking for a husband. I am just asking for a ride in your car, Goddamnit.

 Love,

April Brucker
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com


Come see my DVD taping
Metropolitan Room
April 22nd @ 7pm
34 W. 22nd Street

Accidental Grammar Lesson

It's the summer where young guys are out and they think they are smooth. I would say it is the young black and Latino lads, but the not legal white dudes are pretty bold themselves. So here is starts. I am running and have my ear phones on and I see these two kids who are Latino. They could be no more than fifteen. They have their pants sagging and one has a rosary around his neck. I don't take notice because they are both fifty pounds soaking wet and only starting puberty. This is how the convo started.

One says something to me. I take my headphones off. Maybe he is lost.

Me: Excuse me?

Muchacho 1: How old are you?

Okay, he is clearly lost. He is trying to lower his voice and that is the worst pick up line ever! The last time I heard that was when I was 14-15.

Me: Old enough to be your mother.

Muchacho 2: Man, you don't look that old.

Me: Well how old are you? Fifteen.

Muchacho 1: Twenty.

Me: You look like you are fifteen. Let's see some ID.

Muchacho 1: I don't have ID.

Me: Then you are fifteen. I better end this conversation before I go to jail.

Muchacho 1: Miss, we not in Middle School.

Me: Excuse me?

Muchacho 1: Middle school is fifteen. We not in Middle School.

Me: Well since you either failed Middle School or are probably there, if you got anything out of the experience you would know the sentence is, "We are not in middle school."

They both stare at me dumbfounded. I am hardly a grammar Nazi but this is bad even for Ebonics.

Me: Yes, the sentence is we are not in middle school which means you need to maybe go back.

Muchacho 2: We are not in middle school. That sounds correct. I like that. Yeah, we are not in middle school.

So maybe I was able to help someone with their grammar. Perhaps one day this young man will get his GED and stay out of jail.

Muchacho 1: Miss, same thing. We not in middle school.

That is when I say goodbye. I will let these two Muchachos disappoint a woman their own age. Sigh men lie all the time and I would call them dogs. But a dog will never leave you for a prettier owner. And no matter how old they are, they think they are absolutely the cats meow and they think their wand is magic. However, they are funny as hell and never cease to make me smile.

xoxoxo
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook, also through Brown and NYU Books
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Summer
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Ali Fornay Center

"I Wanna Meet You In a Dark Room"

For the past two and a half years-since being on TLC with my puppet kiddies-I have had guys come out of the wood work from my past to ask me out. Some have been comedians who met me once at an open mic night. Others had known me from a college lecture. But there have been several from high school. One made fun of me really bad. The other I never met. But this recent one had been in  a gym class of mine and hardly ever came.

Yes, we only had two classes together, neither of which he really showed up for. We only spoke twice and I remember generally liking him. But as the years passed and I left home to pursue my goals he became one of the many memories that defined high school. And even then they were faded between play rehearsals, nursing home dates with my Groucho Marx figure, tapings at the access station, articles for the youth section, literary magazine, and of course my weekend job bagging groceries at the Giant Eagle.

Fast forward almost ten years later. I have achieved some of my goals while many are just dreams. One of my goals and dreams was writing and publishing a book. I did. It's available in my local library as well as Amazon. Anyway, I was sending out the invites for the book talk. My former classmate writes me back, "I wanna meet you in a dark room. HMU."

HMU means two things: hide my unicorns or hit me up. Then it occurs to me, this boy is talking about a unicorn, and not the kind children are meant to see.

Meet me in a dark room to do what? It certainly isn't to read. You can't do that in a dark room. When I told my sister Skipper about this she said, "Wasnt he bad?" Well yes and no. He was bad but got in trouble for never showing up to class. So he caused his trouble elsewhere. I remember the bad girl of the Forensics Club trying to accidentally bump into him during the one time he came to frisbee in gym class. Then he disappeared.

So I wrote him back. I figured I would invite him to my book talk like I would any crazed male admirerer and fan. I just have to be careful, but I don't think he's homicidal. That involves showing up and planning. He writes me back and says, "U hav to make the 1st move. I am kina shy." Well the fact you never showed up at school is beginning to make itself apparent in your grammar, Sir.

I don't write back. What am I supposed to say?

He writes me back telling me he is intrigued and misspells the word. While nothing turns me off like horrendous grammar, his bravery is quite sexy. Yes, he has a kid. Yes, he was a high school drop out. Yes, he never came to school and this could only end badly. Yes, I would probably date him. Oh dear God get a hold of yourself woman!!!! Then I see he has a baby mama and I don't do that drama and I decided it was all over.

However, Christmas is the season about giving. While this whole thing made me laugh, it also made that awkward high school girl in me smile, the one with a lot of ambition and a lot of bad makeup. The one who played with puppets, produced TV programs, and proved that yes, too much eyeliner and mascara can be a horrid thing. In a time in my life where a date was a dream that never came true and guys were more likely to ask me for the plot on the book they read for English class than to be on their arm for homecoming, I felt that part of me smile and get a lil sexy.

Perhaps puppets and books are sexy and there are guys in this world who think so, or perhaps thought so all along.

Either way, it gave my self esteem a boost.

Season's Greetings.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Amazon.com



Come to my book signing
December 27 @ 7pm
Bethel Park Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA

 

20 Things I Would Tell Young Women When They Turn 20

Note: Although this is geared towards women, many can apply to men too. I just geared this towards women because I have been a young woman. 


1. You don't need a man. There is no law in the land that says you need a boyfriend.
2. You don't have enemies, you have girlfriends. They will be the first to stab you in the back.
3. Women are smarter and more perceptive than men and have a stronger pain threshold. Unfortunately, women are too busy fighting among themselves that it will never happen.
4. Never fight over a guy ever. If you end up going head to head with another girl over a guy, it is usually a guy who thinks he is a mac daddy and is lying to the both of you.
5. If a guy is mean and nasty, he won't change if you "love him enough." He is just mean and nasty. That's when you have to ask yourself why you like mean and nasty guys.
6. When you break up with anyone, it is a two way street. He might be a jerk off but you still picked him. Take the good memories and have a laugh when days are rainy. Also, take the lessons you learned and don't let history repeat itself.
7. When out with anyone, pay attention to what comes out of their mouth. Don't write anything off, because this person is showing you who they are.
8. If you want to get back at a man who wronged you, live well. Fulfill your goals and if possible, date a hotter guy.
9. No guy is worth changing yourself for. Yes, you will give up things you love to please this man, but then you will be unhappy. He will dump you and find this next victim, and you will be lost and alone.
10. When your girlfriends say an idea is stupid, most of the time they are just jealous.
11. When a girl comes down your throat for supposedly looking at her boyfriend, it's not about you looking at her boyfriend. It's about the fact he's a dog, he can't be trusted, and she's misdirecting the bullets.
12. Be careful of alcohol. Not only does it make you stupid, but it makes you a moving target. A predator will always be bigger, stronger, and faster as well as devious.
13. Never leave the house looking less than your best. If you look good you will feel good.
14. Don't be afraid to be who you are, there are people who will hate you for it. But there are also people who will love you. Focus your energies on them.
15. Make friends with people who are doing things and going places. Good energy is a good thing.
16. Always have a little black dress and a fake pair of earrings that look like diamonds. You might not be rich but you can feel like it.
17. Yes, guy lie and they lie constantly. And they lie stupidly. Get used to it. But not all guys lie. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can kiss a prince.
18. When you don't get what you want, it ends up being a good thing. Often times you get something better.
19. Never hate anyone for being what they are. Find out more about what they are before you cast the first stone. Odds are, you might find a friend. If you don't like the person, make it about the person not about their culture, gender, sexual orientation, faith or anything else.
20. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that you are pretty. You are all you have in this world at the end of the day, so you might as well make friends.

Love yourself, you are the only one you have at the end of the day. 

A little black dress and CZ rocks always make you feel rich as well as look it. 

Had a man lie to you? Get even by being successful. Yes, Minka Kelly's photo boy snapped me in this shot because he recognized me and my Sonny Jones from being on TV. 

Nothing is wasted if you use it wisely. Jenny Kropp took a fan photo of myself and May Wilson at the Wide Open. I am wearing the hat. We covered the event that day. 

Don't be afraid to be who you are. 

Don't change for any man

The first people to shoot you down will be your girlfriends.