Accidental Grammar Lesson

It's the summer where young guys are out and they think they are smooth. I would say it is the young black and Latino lads, but the not legal white dudes are pretty bold themselves. So here is starts. I am running and have my ear phones on and I see these two kids who are Latino. They could be no more than fifteen. They have their pants sagging and one has a rosary around his neck. I don't take notice because they are both fifty pounds soaking wet and only starting puberty. This is how the convo started.

One says something to me. I take my headphones off. Maybe he is lost.

Me: Excuse me?

Muchacho 1: How old are you?

Okay, he is clearly lost. He is trying to lower his voice and that is the worst pick up line ever! The last time I heard that was when I was 14-15.

Me: Old enough to be your mother.

Muchacho 2: Man, you don't look that old.

Me: Well how old are you? Fifteen.

Muchacho 1: Twenty.

Me: You look like you are fifteen. Let's see some ID.

Muchacho 1: I don't have ID.

Me: Then you are fifteen. I better end this conversation before I go to jail.

Muchacho 1: Miss, we not in Middle School.

Me: Excuse me?

Muchacho 1: Middle school is fifteen. We not in Middle School.

Me: Well since you either failed Middle School or are probably there, if you got anything out of the experience you would know the sentence is, "We are not in middle school."

They both stare at me dumbfounded. I am hardly a grammar Nazi but this is bad even for Ebonics.

Me: Yes, the sentence is we are not in middle school which means you need to maybe go back.

Muchacho 2: We are not in middle school. That sounds correct. I like that. Yeah, we are not in middle school.

So maybe I was able to help someone with their grammar. Perhaps one day this young man will get his GED and stay out of jail.

Muchacho 1: Miss, same thing. We not in middle school.

That is when I say goodbye. I will let these two Muchachos disappoint a woman their own age. Sigh men lie all the time and I would call them dogs. But a dog will never leave you for a prettier owner. And no matter how old they are, they think they are absolutely the cats meow and they think their wand is magic. However, they are funny as hell and never cease to make me smile.

xoxoxo
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook, also through Brown and NYU Books
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Summer
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Ali Fornay Center

Strokin' (Clarence Carter)

Yesterday I was to deliver a bikini gram in Midtown to a kid for his 14^th birthday. The mother was a nice enough lady. While I thought this was a little extreme to give a kid she meant well. I got a glimpse of the kid coming in. He was kind of impish and red headed, dorky kind of. Lets just call him Micah. Anyway, the mom wanted to wait until all the guests came and then I would deliver the telegram.

Well I get changed and everything is ready to go. I walk up to Micah and he is less than thrilled. He says, “Stop it now.” And then starts covering his face. I strip to a bikini and ordinarily the guy on the receiving end is thrilled but Micah screamed, “You got your paycheck. You earned it. Please put your clothes back on.” That is when he gets up and storms into the restroom. Not what I expected.

Micah’s parents are thrown for a loop and were not expecting this. According to Micah’s mom he is a little bit of a control freak and likes to have the upperhand in all situations. She also tells me she owns a high end lingerie store and wants to know if I want to model. I say sure. She seems like a cool enough lady. I just don’t think her kid was ready to be sassified.

Micah’s cousin went into the restroom to try to retrieve him. No such luck. Then his other cousin grudgingly went in. No such luck. Then his dad went in. No such luck. I decided to go in and try to deal with the kid. I mean, he was pretty upset and I didn’t understand why. I went into the restroom and throngs of gentlemen had to pee and were pissed they were waiting. No pun intended. This is how our convo went.

Me: Micah? Micah? You okay?

No answer

Me: Micah, I have my clothes back on. We can talk.

No answer

Micah: Leave me alone!

Me: Okay, but are you alright? Do you want to talk about what is wrong?

Micah: My mom did something stupid and inappropriate.

Me: Why was it stupid and inappropriate?

Micah: She is always doing stupid and inappropriate things. All I wanted to do was have lunch.

Me: Well you can still come out and have lunch. Everyone misses you.

Micah: Leave me alone.

Me: I still don’t get why you are upset.

Micah: You don’t get it. You are just like my mom always asking so many questions.

Me: Welcome to the wonderful world of women son. We are all like that.

Micah: You did your job. They paid you. Please go!

Me: Fine. I have things to go. Good luck with everything.

Micah’s parents apologized perfusely and tipped well. I might even get a modeling job out of this whole thing. Who knows? Eventually Micah did come out of the bathroom after his uncle extracted him. Still, after this whole thing I heard the song by Clarence Carter, you know “Strokin.” Perhaps he would have set Micah straight and that little red head would have embraced his secret pimp skills. Sigh, at this stage in his life he just has sexual uncertainty and pimples. God bless.

 Love

April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

Young Guys

I am always constantly being hit on by young guys. It's sorta weird because it never happened in high school. Guys asked me out as a joke in those days. Or they talked to me because they needed to know something about The Magna Carta and wanted to use me as an instant cheat sheet, or were probably too lazy to read Tale of Two Cities which by the way is an excellent book. "It's a far, far better thing than I have ever done. It's a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known." Or they were too lazy to learn the routine for aerobic dance in PE. Sometimes it was to schmooze me because they wanted to use my strong older brother as protection in the weight room against another bully who was his size but however my bro was the gentle giant. Or they needed something unknown from my munchkin sister. Either way, it never happened.

It couldnt have been the puppets, the dark clothing, the blood rep lipstick, or the fact Sylvia Plath was my literary idol that scared them away. Now however it seems I am making up for lost time.

I was filming a music video a few years back and the artist was a fifteen year old Dominican kid. I was twenty three at the time. The video required me to wear latex body paint and a bikini. The second this lad saw me he was McCheckin this out let me tell you. We spent a few minutes alone and the first question he asked was, "Are you single?" Flabbergasted I asked him why. He replied, "PRetty lady, I want to take you out sometime." My mouth dropped open. I informed him that he probably didnt have any money aside from the allowance that his mother probably gave him. Later I was washing the latex off my body in the studio shower and he offered to jump in and help me out. I declined but thanked him for his concern. Then he gave me his phone number. I said I couldnt call him, because he was underaged and it was illegal. He said, "Beautiful, I won't tell the cops." To which I replied, "Yes you will. You're fifteen and you will tell everyone." We never did hook up but now he's on tour. He's legal now too. I believe he has a few women in the wings to say the least.

Another time I was getting Chinese take out about two and a half years ago. I was dressed down and without makeup and in my sweats I look sort of young. These three guys come up to me and ask me to donate money to their school. They are all about fifteen. The one says, "Can you give us your number too? I mean, I know you are a little older than us but we can still handle a shorty such as yourself." My mouth dropped open. The other said, "We do older women all the time." At that point I knew they were just lying. So I looked at them and said, "You wouldnt know your way around a woman if someone gave you a map." The third one saw a guy walking by, sort of a Joe Yale type and said, "She doesnt believe that we get lucky with women." To which the guy burst out laughing and walked away. Sure their egos were deflated but they put themselves out there. Hopefully they improved their women catching technique.

Of course there was the time I was filming a webseries last summer. They had an intern on set from Texas. He was a sixteen year old kid. The entire day he was so sweet and adorable. I was in the series with May Wilson and it seemed all the guys were pretending to hit on her from the regulars on down. Finally the kid who I will call Willy said, "You're cute." May Wilson-well more like me as May Wilson-thanked him. Willy said, "I wasnt referring to her. I was referring to you." He looked at me intensely and our eyes locked. While I was much older than he was I still turned bright red as he flashed that smile and did let out a giggle I will admit. Then I asked him how old he was as to make sure I wasnt going to end up registering on a special website as a result of this convo. He said he was sixteen but would be seventeen in three months. Willy looked at me intensely again, he was not messing around because seventeen is adult in NYC. I informed him that he was the same age as my baby cousin and maybe they should connect on facebook. Willy, without missing a beat said, "I am not your baby cousin." With that he turned his ball cap around, asked for a date when he was seventeen, and immediately friended me on the ol fb. When I got home I accepted his request and went to his page. He listed himself as in a relationship. THAT UNDERAGED PLAYER LOVE BOMBER! I immediately cooled this where it was. There is nothing like getting a call from some girl with an annoying ring tone who says, "Yo, stay away from my man bitch. We have been an item since the swing set."

Just a few days ago I was walking down the street in a pretty dress and these young boys started howling as I walked by. I turned around to see why they were howling and gave them an odd look. The one said, "We think you are FINE." I started laughing and said, "I hope you know I am old enough to be your babysitter." To which one replied, "Baby, you can come over my house and watch me play anytime." I started laughing walking down the street.

Yes, young guys are insane albeit clueless. However they dont mean any harm. If anything when the world makes me an ugly bitch they let me know that it's time to lighten up and that I still got it.

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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