The Democratic Candidates If They Were Movie Characters

There are so many Democratic candidates for president who the hell can keep track. To make it a little easier, I decided to break the Democratic candidates down as if they were movie characters by the roles they would play.

Note: This is a spec script at best and have no idea what the actual plot would be. BUT.....dear readers (whoever the freak you are) show yourselves and give me some plot lines/scenarios. I am asking you with the confidence of a straight, white, cis man. You know, the fellow who looks in the mirror and sees a stud, a genius and the BEST PENIS EVER!  (Give me the confidence of such a stereotype).

1.       Elizabeth Warren- Mayor and boss bitch. She dumped her husband and is having the time of her life. Her twitter handle is colorsofthewind2020

2.       Bernie Sanders- Old ranting man who yells at strangers. His only friends are his long suffering sheep dogs. Twitter handle is marx4life2020

3.       John Hinkenlooper- Bernie’s first sheep dog. Twitter handle imjustasheepdogididntaskforthis2020

4.       Michael Bennett- Bernie’s second sheep dog.Twitter handle rescuetherescue2020

5.       Cory Booker- Self-proclaimed player and author of the self-published manual, “How to Get Pussy Without Really Trying.” Twitter handle playa2020

6.       Amy Klobuchar- Twice divorced Avon Lady who might have killed one or both of her ex husbands. Does not have twitter handle. Got thrown off for angry rant at twitter staffers. 

7.       Joe Biden- Creepy old man who’s inappropriate with women and uses his dead wife as an in cause hey, why not? Twitter handle hairsmeller2020

8.       Kirsten Gillibrand- “One time at band camp” girl. Frequent target of Joe Biden’s creepy advances. Twitter handle onetimeatbandcamp2020

9.       Eric Swalwell- Nice guy who swoops in to defend women from creepy Joe Biden. In return, he always gets dumped. Twitter handle stereotypicalnicedude2020

10.   Kamala Harris- The local sheriff who frequently arrests Joe Biden for hair sniffing and Bernie Sanders for vagrancy. She takes pity on his sheep dogs. Twitter handle throwyoassinjail2020

11.   Julian Castro- Dishwasher repairman who is secretly studying to become a member of the FBI. Twitter handle notfidel2020

12.   Bill de Blasio- The weird guy in the neighborhood who brags about converting lesbians to his team. Twitter handle typecasting2020

13.   Pete Buttigieg- Owner of the gay bar “Pete’s Gloryhole.” Running a tight ship, he frequently sees Republicans leading a double life having anonymous sex and has to eject Bill de Blasio on Sapphic Saturdays. Twitter handle Totaltop2020

14.   Tulsi Gabbard- Bouncer at Pete’s Gloryhole and foe of Bill DiBlasio. On the side she teaches self-defense to women, Amy Klobuchar is her best student. Twitter handle smackdown2020

15.   John Delaney- Assistant Regional Sales Rep. (For life and eternity). Twitter handle DunderMifflin2020.

16.   Jay Inslee- Local yokel often mistaken for Gary Busey. Pretends to be Gary Busey to get chicks. Twitter handle garybusey2020

17.   Tim Ryan- The stunt double to Beeker from the Muppets. Twitter handle beeker2020

18.   Marianne Williamson- The crazy cat lady at the end of the block who uses healing crystals and brags of practicing the dark arts. Twitter handle notmariannebutzool2020

19.   Andrew Yang- The IT programmer who has a hot wife. Twitter handle imstillsmarterthanyou2020

One Year Later

This time last year I was just back from protesting Donald Trump at the RNC in Cleveland. With my comrades at STAT (Stand Together Against Trump), we were clad in our sun colored yellow shirts and Donald J. Tramp was on my arm. We were all young people that were passionate, marching together towards a common cause. That cause was to silence the evil that was Donald Trump. We were changing the world. We were waking America up. As someone passionate about performing and social justice, I was in my glory.

One year later things are different.

Not better.

Not worse.

Different.

Hillary lost and the orange menace is in The White House. While the patronizing name is more akin to a comic book supervillain than real life danger, it still makes my stomach churn as I think of what was supposed to be a victory party that then got a dark pall cast over it.

I marched during The Women’s March and went to a rally here and there, but I have slacked with my protesting. Some of it has been the inclement NYC weather. Then there was the issue of working and travelling. Life took over. And then I just got lazy. Who wants to protest when you have Netflix?

I have recently started climbing out of a depression. Some of it is seasonal. I always get depressed midsummer as shows and other things slow and I am left with my own thoughts. It wasn’t as bad last year as I was protesting in Cleveland, but this year it hit me double.

The spring was brutal. While I took ten steps forward in many ways it felt like I was knocked six steps back. I debuted a one woman show about the election, but was turned down by three booking agents, one of whom sent a runner to my show that skipped out on the tab. I came close to snagging spots on 5 TV shows but then was passed over for someone else for a myriad of reasons. My writing was turned down on a gazillion occasions, and I got turned down for every festival I applied to. I thought I was a shoe in for one because I had history with the producer as I worked for them. Not so much.

At the same time my show has been a hit at every venue and I am constantly invited back. My second book has been released and it is selling like hotcakes. I am the spokesperson for a line of crop tops. On social media I have a few thousand followers. And I am about to do a major headlining set.

Spring was brutal too. I saw the deaths of two people who were good to me from cancer in the same week, and a break up of a friendship that was nearly a decade long. A friend breakup is worse than a romantic breakup in a lot of ways. It like parts of your heart are ripped out that you didn’t even know were there.

The blues hit hard several days ago and it felt like it was dark. I was questioning my life and my decisions. A trip to the DMV left me feeling like I had been hit by a truck and then my bank account was hacked. Just then I got a facebook message from a friend. She was running for office in Yonkers. It was an invite for Donald J. Tramp and I to appear at her fundraiser.

The weather was only adding to my blues, making me feel as if a bullet had pierced by brain. It was hot. It was cold. Why even leave the house? Well it was a gig. That’s why you leave the house.

As I got off the train I was greeted by my friend and her buddy. Gwen was running for office and was so jazzed up about it. As a young Democrat she was putting her message out there and I was oh so proud of her. The backstory to Gwen and I. She is a fellow puppeteer and we met a few years ago through the puppet world.  Gwen quit her engineering job during a Super Bowl commercial with a puppet. She was in the Coast Guard and was activated during 9/11. Gwen also recently graduated from Fordham. To say Gwen fucking rocks is an understatement.

Immediately, we ran to Gwen’s office getting signs and other materials needed for the event. While some of the personalities associated with politics had burnt me out, I missed the excitement and the feeling that I was doing something important. I missed actively engaging in agit prop performance. I missed being with other young people who wanted to change the world. I missed helping others.

We immediately set up at the venue and a patron at the bar was helpful. He admitted he was a Republican but a nice guy. And of course he used it as an excuse to hit on us. HAHAAHAHH!

The event began and people came in. Locals involved in Democratic politics greeted us and I began to talk, making new friends. Some were lawyers and other professionals long since affiliated with the party. Others were running for office or were currently in office offering Gwen their support and love. And some were Young Democrats, active with the party who wanted to shepherd their cause to new lengths and breathe new life into the disorganized party that fell apart as it was divided between the support of Clinton and Sanders. And then there was Gwen’s dad. Yes, he had to come. You always do when your kid is running for office.

It was finally time for me to go on.

I got up and started. I talked about the RNC and the whole room was glued to each word I said. Then I began my schtick. Okay, and then Donald J. Tramp came out.

Blamo!

It was suddenly like I was back in Cleveland. I was having a ton of fun. I remembered that I enjoyed being onstage and loved making people laugh. But more than anything, I also kind of like making fun of the president. As each joke got a laugh, my blues began to melt away like a popsicle that had spent too much time in the sun.

I was going to be alright.

I was going to be okay

Gwen was running for office Gosh darn it and she was going for the gold. I was there for the Democratic party, but more importantly, I was there for my friend. I was also there for a cause I believed in.

After my show, I spoke to the young Dems about the election. A wise man once said there are three levels of conversation. There is the lowest where you discuss others. Then there is the second where you discuss events. Then there is the third where you discuss ideas. I was discussing ideas and making new friends.

Did I mention the mayor of Yonkers liked my set?

Yeah, life is good. Now this September vote Gwen Dean.

And while you are at it Buy My Book 

And So It Goes......

The last few months have been nothing short of a roller coaster ride, full of dips and zig zags and such. Yes, a cliche opener. If you wouldn't know any better I sound like a whiny high school kid on live journal, except I am a whiny adult in cyberspace.

All the hard work I did despite all I had to endure is paying off. I have a mentor guiding my career who is nothing short than amazing. This man is funny, thinks out of the box, has an open mind, but is kind above all things. Not to mention he knows what he is talking about. It's rare to find a mentor who knows what they are talking about in this biz. But he does.

In the past, when someone tried to help me, I always saw the cracks. Maybe I wasn't ready in a way. But also, I know how to sell myself better than anyone. Not to mention I know what I am selling. When I cut ties with a mentor, I always ended up on national television afterwards, usually through my own doing. This guy knows what he is talking about as I said.

The upside of this man is he has been there through my trials and tribulations in my personal life and God knows there have been a great many. I always feel like giving the phone a hug after talking to him. Granted, cell phones are too small for that but still.

It's weird, I haven't been on TV in a while. I take that back. TV in the United States. This past year I got on Top Channel in Albania, BBC, Dutch National Television, Love TV in Finland, Telemundo, MTV Europe, and something else I am forgetting with my little puppet family. Ironically, this was all as I was dealing with the landlord from hell. I actually got eviction papers the day I found out I was on Dutch Television.

It's kind of odd in a way that this was all going on as my life was hitting the skids in America. Mind you I was getting fan letters as I was trying to make it work in a relationship that was crumbling. We tried but in the end we didn't belong together. Our values were different. I believed in trying to make it work, he believed in being friends with every ex girlfriend he ever had, and rubbing it in when he didn't get his way. He offered to stop talking to them and I said I didn't care, I just didn't want to know about the particulars of these people. It felt awkward, especially since some were serious losers. (Then again, he was a serious loser). I think he did it to make me feel insecure, put me in my place. He liked making me feel like an ugly duckling.

Deep down, for as dumb as he was he knew I was too good for him. If he tricked me into thinking I needed him, this was gold for the fool. Rest assured he's gone. We were friends who should have stayed friends. But we will never be friends again because I do not respect him as a man. Especially after he sent his crazy sister to do his dirty work. If he ever comes near me again I will call the cops, that is how much I never want to see him again.

Yet I am dating again and I really like the dudes I am dating. So much so that for as badly as my last ex treated me sometimes, I am glad the relationship is over. I got presents from a few on Valentine's Day.....hahahahahah. Not really serious with any of them. I like my freedom not just for myself but for my children. It feels good. It feels natural. It feels like I am free from the tyrannical boot of an ex who didn't appreciate my knowledge of history nor my dedication to my craft. He can have his trailer trash former girlfriends and they can have their precious crumbs. I have my boyfriends who are worth something and my male followers. HA!

I debuted in Vegas after going through all I did. I felt shell shocked the entire time but I hit a home run in front of my mentor. I wish I wasn't so burnt and could have enjoyed it. However, I was just feeling the burn, and not in the Bernie Sanders way.

I performed at the venue that Frank Sinatra and George Burns performed at. If that's not something to be proud of, I don't know what is. Either way, despite the pain I have suffered I am rocking and rolling to the next level.

I cut a lot of people out of my life, posers who liked to gossip. I don't miss any of them. I don't miss my old neighborhood. I don't miss the self-help group I used to attend full of phonies and wannabes who made excuses for their constant failure at life. I don't miss my old building. I miss some of my true friends, and there were about 4 of them. Otherwise, the rest can go to hell.

I am voting for either Hillary or Bernie, not decided yet. Whoever gets the Dem nomination. The fact Trump is leading is scary. He reminds me of Huey Long......enough said. The ex supported Trump. Yes, he was in fact that stupid. Just another in a myriad of reasons that it didn't work out with that half-wit. Watching the first round of Republican debates was painful, especially as he ranted about how Trump would make America great again and my friends and I exchanged painful glances as our brains hurt from his lack of thought.

Later when I announced it was over, they said, "Thank God, you were too smart for him."

Or as my mom explained, "Honey, we were all holding our breath on that one."

Either way, these days I am desperately seeking Mr. Okay. If I find him, he will have to be someone who has been walking upright for some time. Someone who knows politics. Someone who doesn't think socialism is evil (it has only helped Canada and the UK and they are doing better than we are). Someone who doesn't make me feel ugly by taunting me with other women. Someone who's family members know their place and their business. Someone with half a brain.

Maybe the next Mr. April Brucker will be a Democrat. Bernie Sanders is kinda sexy.......but he's kinda married. There's always Bill. Hillary doesn't mind, she's busy running the country like she was before. Still, I am on my own and excited about life. What about you kids? What about you?

10 Things I Know For Sure

1. It takes more than 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.

2. Say what you will about Trump, but he owns Jeb Bush like a little bitch when they debate. I want to buy Jeb a drink, but still wouldn't want to be his friend.

3. Anyone who smokes pot is really just an insider on government conspiracies and this is their way of hiding it so they don't get caught.

4. Bernie Sanders is not related to Colonel Sanders, the KFC guy.

5. UFOs always make the same mistake, stop abducting from trailer parks. Then maybe you will find intelligent life.

6. A fetus is always front and center in any and every election. And that lazy blob of DNA has yet to jump out of it's mother's uterus. What an entitled brat!

7. My mom has psychic powers. She always knows when I need socks and underwear.

8. When Charlie Sheen tells you to get it together, that's not just rock bottom. That is the Mariana's Trench.

9. The Easter Bunny is Jesus's magical pet.

10. Never have a glitter bomb war with Taylor Swift. Just don't.