December is the time for ho, ho, ho. And there are some folks that are going to be calling me that. All shitty jokes aside, Cyber Monday is here and why don't you unwrap some of me this holiday season:
Here is a calendar of yours truly. Perfect for the hardy heterosexual male who wants to keep track of important dates and times. And perfect for any of my ex boyfriends. However fellas hide it from your wife. You know she doesn't like me.
April in the morning, April in the evening, April at supper time. When you can have April on a t-shirt you can have April anytime
Maybe you need to accessorize your college dorm room or man cave. And if you are a wife or girlfriend who doesn't like me, your dartboard. What I am trying to say is, I sell posters, too. Also, this poster would be okayed by any prison warden anywhere. What I am trying to say is, send one to any of my ex boyfriends that might be guests of the state or federal government this holiday season. No one ought to be alone on Christmas.
Perhaps you are aware I wrote a body positive book. If you want a woman who thinks out of the box you have both book and poster options for your pleasures. Note, this is not prison approved, so if you want to send one to an ex of mine, send it to one who's currently a fugitive.
Do you like President Donald J. Tramp? Well you can be liberal and conservative at the same time by wearing him on a t-shirt.
I work as a singing telegram girl in the Big Apple. Want to sip some whiskey and read about my adventures/bad decision my holiday season? For the record, this is my mother's favorite thing on the list because I am fully clothed.