Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Goat Sex: A New York Story

When I was 20, I found myself alone in Midtown near 8/9 Avenues and with money in my pocket. It was from a summer job I worked as a lifeguard where my mother employed me. Up to that point in my life, I was actually a good little Catholic girl from Bethel Park, a small town outside of Pittsburgh. Translated, I didn't talk about sex let alone think about it. Sex was yucky, yucky, yucky.

I found myself in Midtown. My errand was to get sheet music for my singing class. Each week we had to have a new song, and I had class later that day and had dragged my feet on the errand. I got my sheet music and was on my way back to the train when my mind got the best of me lets just say.

Prior to that I made vanilla look flavorful. I was from an area where girls saved themselves for marriage and at that juncture in my life I planned to do the same. Many of my high school classmates even wore promise rings, because anal doesnt count as we all know. Some of my male classmates who took the pledge have come out as gay but that's a different story. They promised not to have sex......with girls. Again, anal doesn't count, right?

Sex Ed at my school was a joke. We had Abstinence Education which teaches you to wait. It doesnt work. My school had the highest instance of teen pregnancy in the area. So fellas, maybe I didn't know how to put a condom on but knew how to put a baby in a dumpster. But it was okay if I hit the Bible Study some religious zealot teacher was having during lunch. Or dodged the Christian youth group leader who wandered my cafeteria looking for fresh blood and lost souls. Needless to say, he was later jailed for having sex with under-aged boys. Big surprise......

My college classmates were much more sexually savvy and were from much more liberal areas. At times this made me feel stupid, insecure, and outright lonely. Was I less sophisticated because I didn't slut around with some boy.......wait that was her steady in the backseat of that Buick. Was I less worthy of being taken seriously because I wasn't as experienced? Did it make me a bad person to tell some guy that I could fuck him and say someday I did when he became a rockstar to jump off a cliff?

Hell if I knew. Either way, there were times I felt like a wandering vestal virgin and the men around me were outright predators willing to torture me and con sex. However, they were just as awkward and unsure as I was looking back. And a lot of people were coming out. No one knew the answers. Funny how hindsight is 20/20.

As I neared the subway on 8th I saw a porn store. I had a few hours to kill but not enough time to go back downtown where my dorm was so I went in. Why not? What could possibly go wrong?

I wandered in and saw racks and racks of porn movies. Some were straight on male/female porn. Others were gang bangs. Then there was the tranny porn. Of course this was next to the Thai tranny porn because some folks are into foreign trannies. An entire section was dedicated to midget porn which was borderline disturbing. Then there was the gay porn. Next to the lesbian porn. Porn was much more diverse than I ever imagined, that was for sure.

The store itself was interesting. The lingerie was actually quite appealing, but I had no where to wear it and no one to wear it for. The shoes were also neat, stripper heals that were at least five inches. I too had no where to wear these and they were $80.

In between was lube, condoms, dildos, butt plugs, and the vibrator. Looking back, a vibrator would have probably been a better investment than the latter. But I had no clue what to do with any of these things.

As I ascended the stairs I came across some peep show booths. Standing near them was an Indian dude who looked at me like I had two heads when I asked if I could enter as long as I paid my fifty cents. He asked me if I was sure and I told him I was. In my utter state of ignorant I didn't realize guys jacked off in there, and as a girl I didn't choke the chicken and get my little Johnny Appleseeds all over the place like they did. Hell, I might have been the first woman he ever saw come in..........What a dubious honor.

He let me in anyway. As long as my money is good, right?

Once I got into the booth there were several screens I could choose from that were being live streamed.

The first screen was a guy and a girl having sex. They weren't particularly good or bad looking. Actually, they looked like ordinary people. No one wants to see ordinary people having sex so I passed.

The next was two girls getting down and dirty with a dildo. They were two hot blondes so you knew this was designed for a straight man. After a few seconds I had seen the whole thing.

The screen after was two dudes having rough anal. This was intense and athletic. But I also felt like the dudes would feel weirded out by me watching. However, some of the promise ring wearing dudes from my old high school are probably watching now but that's a different story.

Then the screen after that was a midget orgy. While this was unique and the midgets were committed to truth in their role of having sex with Gulliver (a Gulliver's travels themed fuck fest) I felt further watching would destroy memories of Santa's Elves, Snow White, and The Wizard of Oz for reasons we all understand.

The last screen was the one that I will never forget. It was a girl having sex with a goat. And the goat was giving it to get doggy style and standing on it's hind legs.


As if that wasn't enough, to add insult to injury, each time her horned horny animal companion thrust his well endowed goat penis into her, she squealed,  "Ee, Ei, Ee, Ei, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" Okay, Old McDonald was officially ruined. I could never sing it to my little cousins ever again.

Words could not describe this experience. I was horrified. I was amazed. I was frightened. I was intrigued. I also knew if the super Christians from my hometown knew where I was they would be holding a prayer circle for me around my old high school flag pole. It had been bad enough when I said God gave us a brain therefore I was pro-choice. It had ticked them off when I said a blob of tissue was not a person because there were children dying in Iraq. It further angered them when I said the youth group leader wandering the cafeteria was probably a pedophile and he was. However, we could all still be friendly. This, however, would be the last straw. Jesus could not save me now. Abstinence education never covered this let alone planned for it in the curriculum.

Question to the promise ring wearers was, if anal didn't count, did goats? Oh questions, questions, questions.

As girl and goat were going at it, my phone rang. It was my mom. Oh her timing was impeccable as usual. I was alone in New York and she was freaking out because she hadn't heard from me all day. Oh if she could see me now. I could tell her I discovered Old McDonald's wayward daughter had resorted to beastiality and now I had proof when she asked if anything funny happened to me. Or maybe I would leave that story out........

 Finally, my five minutes ran out. I was no longer curious about the peep show. I think at that point I was good for another 5,10, 15 years. When I exited, I called my mom back.  She wanted to know how my day went. I told her I was getting sheet music for class, which was true. It's why I was in Midtown. I didn't tell her about my detour that was still making me blush.

When I got home that evening, I took a long shower and kept the story to myself for many years. It's not one you just tell people without them shaming you or asking a shit ton of questions. Looking back I should have spent my time more wisely that day let alone my money. But young and stupid can be a combination that makes for a good story later on.

And also, having worked in entertainment, I will say this, whoever that director was should be commended. That goat was not only a fabulous actor, but he was VERY WELL TRAINED.

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