Thursday, December 11, 2014


Lately I have been working  A LOT which is good in my line of work. This past weekend was crazy busy with the telegrams. Then on top of that, I am doing an event this Friday for animals and my family is in town this weekend for the Heisman Trophy Events. I am also doing a television taping Friday as well. So basically, Friday I am doing a TV taping and then headed to Staten Island to perform. Saturday I am my sister’s date to the big show. And then in between my mother will be cleaning my apartment aka going through my shizzzzzz.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. Then again, everything has been kind of crazy lately. I ended up doing a telegram for a rich lady on the Upper East Side. I get to the restaurant and it is built railroad style. Basically, the walk way is narrow and very hard to maneuver past anyone. I accidentally assaulted a woman opening the door. She screamed, I apologized. Then I called the contact aka inside dude for the job. Paul wasn’t there but told me to “Go right in.”

The servers knew what was up and I changed into my cake costume. When I got out, I sang to this woman. Of course it was a luncheon of ALL WOMEN. I prefer a crowd of all dudes or mixed even. But all women is rough. You see, when it is a bunch of women and you are the performer, sometimes they roast you and test you to see if you are going to break. Then if you live through their scrutiny you’re alright. It’s never younger women, they’re actually pretty cool. It’s never older women, they have lived so long they are too tired for games. It’s the middle aged chicks.

They seemed to enjoy me, but it was like pulling teeth. It could have been that their first husbands ran off with someone like me. I dunno. In any event, at the end they did admit they liked it. However the recipient added, “It’s better it was my children that sent this then my sister.” Okay……

They said I was “cute” and the birthday girl wanted to keep my outfit. The rich women inquired as to how I went in and out of doorways with this thing. Then the birthday lady wanted to keep my hat and boas for realsies. I was like, okay, maybe you are at the latter end of middle age but you are old woman cray cray about now.

The servers liked it. And when I changed the woman I sang to saw me in my sweats, cold snowy day clothing, and looked at me giving me this hard to read smile. Translated, you passed the test and won us over but we will still be watching you. The experience left me with this feeling that there was no wonder my people didn’t have rights. For as much as I whine about male sexism sometimes, dudes don’t play these stupid assed games with each other. A male audience isn’t as judgmental. But yet, at the same time women friends when they are good are invaluable.

My audience for my animal benefit Friday is mostly women. I think God is trying to teach me something. When I was younger an all women audience was hard for me, and I didn’t really have any female friends. Then again, I was going through a dumb ass phase where I was an unintentional boyfriend stealer and husband borrower and thought nothing of it. That ended when I realized I could get shot. Plus it made me think of another woman I knew who told me she was terrified of a woman like myself. Turned out her husband was a big cheat FYI. Still, in addition to getting possibly shot I didn’t want to hurt someone like her.

Still, I have rocked book talks filled with women readers. I have also rocked women audiences. Then again, I have also calmed down. A few months ago I did a dicey show for an all woman social worker crowd who made me work for it and they were even more brutal, and two heckled me. But at the end they told me what a great job I did. Who knows, me and these damn women. They are hot and cold. Being lesbian can’t be a damn choice cause who would choose to date women?

Of course it made me think of why feminism has been such a bust in some ways. Women can’t agree on anything. In my mom’s generation, the 2nd Wave, the white feminist majority wanted to exclude activists of color because it made their cause harder. Then when the white activist decided to include minority women, there was a division on the subject of including lesbians and there was a ton of infighting. Now this generation, the 3rd Wave, the big issue is gender identity. Some say let’s include transmen and transwomen. Others believe transmen are now “men” and shouldn’t be included, and transwomen were born male and they shouldn’t be included. I say if you want a pay cut and to deal with sexism, I’ll include you all you want. Sexism is the same devil that haunts us all.

Then of course on a more basic level, how many women have been betrayed by a so called female bestie? Several years ago when things were completely insane in my life I had a so called gf steal a man from me. Then she made it like I was crazy and it was all my fault when I told her things in confidence because I thought I could trust her. Next thing I know she is with my man and I’m crazy when I tell her how it is and who she is. I’m the bad guy. Or better yet, one of the few women friends I had from college, we dated the same dude off and on and it was a running joke. Then she went and married his sorry ass, and now whenever she sees me it’s like I am a stranger that robbed her damn house. You can have him. As I recall I dumped him for an even bigger mistake. Even another friend who’s boyfriend said I seemed cool went on a rampage to ruin my life afterwards. Then heck, there was one girl who I was friendly with until she started dating an ex of mine. I liked this girl as a person too. That is, until she took it upon herself to throw shade whenever possible and start shit whenever convenient.

I just want to tell all of them a man’s a man, and it’s not worth losing a woman friend over. They all do the same three tricks and have the same equipment. Then again, who am I to be the bearer of bad news? Of course there is a thing called kharma that gets bitchy people. My friend who stole the dude from me, they are married and suited for each other because they are kind of dumb. The other gal pal who decided I was public enemy number one, well she has burned every bridge possible with everyone and talks about the book that she is writing that is still waiting to be released 5 years later. Mine is available on Amazon. The friend who tried to ruin my life is fat, ugly, unpleasant and single which means God hates the same things we all do. And the girl who throws shade, well she sober for about an hour a day. Then again, in order to deal with my ex you would have to do a boatload of drugs too to keep from killing him. The best is when she insists that she goes to the gym and exercises, but she is fatter than ever in all of her pictures. What’s your workout, the all you can eat buffet walking back and fourth?!

Still, maybe my issue with my gender is I don’t get the hang ups. Heck, I did a project with a dude who was getting married and his now wife dreamed of the wedding since she was five. I am not wired like that. Of course, I got into a battle with his wife at times because we were both vying for his attention in an odd way. She wanted a honeymoon to Bermuda and therefore I had to pay for everything because he was being drained. Finally, our arrangement fell apart. Yeah, she dreamed of her wedding since she was 5, but her husband had dreams too and she was squashing them because she felt the need to get married and have the royal wedding on a Manhattan Apartment Share budget.

Then women are a torture in an all-female company because it’s passive aggressive nonsense and all. I dunno. I worked at one once and got fired. It was either that or I quit. My supervisor bullied me because her husband had gone to Vegas, met a blonde, and ran off. It was all my fault. No Crazy, it was all yours. You were nutso and that is why your husband ran far, far away. Ain’t my fault.
As time goes on though, I hear other women have the same complaints and issues with our gender. In a way, we all learn to laugh about it. Maybe God is putting these female crowds in my path to teach me about coming correct in a whole new way. The older I get the more real I become. Maybe it is not just about getting more real, but getting more humble. Maybe it is about also acknowledging just as men are hung up on sex, sex, and more sex women have their own insecure basketcase hang ups too. Maybe it is that we are all in this together.

That being said, I look forward to my crowd of ladies Friday. 

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