Lately, everything has been a challenge. I cannot tell you why. It just has been. Life has been difficult. There are days when I will admit, I would jump into the Hudson River, except the only thing stopping me is that I would live. Then there are days where I would want to get a semi-automatic weapon and do away with those who piss me off, except bullets and guns are mighty expensive these days. Basically, it has been rough.
The last several weeks have seen a shit storm. My landlord and I got into a shouting match on the phone, and I feared I was going to be evicted. After which I had my refrigerator replaced after becoming deathly ill. Apparently when the top half only works as a refrigerator and the bottom does nothing, you can get sick. Oops. On top of that, someone who talked me out of a rough time in my life had hit one in his. To solve his physical and emotional health crisis, he took his own life. As if that wasn’t enough rain, I experienced a rift in a group of friends of mine with a crazy bitch and her mean girl toadies that are jealous of all they have done. Every time I see them, they are always trying to start beef with me. It’s been work not to strangle them accidentally on purpose, so in order to save my sanity I can no longer do some things I wanted to do.
On top of that the career has been kind of stupid as of late. Everyone is dragging their ass with my work that needs to be done. Then there are some things in the air which has left me waiting. A film of mine should have advanced in this thing. Yeah….
Then there has been the no money coming in game, and the paralyzing fear of losing my apartment. As things pick up, people I have been dealing with have been absolute ass weeds. One producer for this project has just been a dick who jerks me around. I can’t stand him and I almost want to tell him, “Consider someone else please.”
The talking head job I had dried up which sucked. I enjoyed it and worked hard. Not to mention I was the most popular person on the app. However, my bosses were idiots and ran themselves and their funding into the ground. They invited me to stay on for free, truth. I was like, no thanks, bye.
Another woman playwright who’s work is probably shit invited me to audition for her contrived piece, but the way she had the invite there was no way anyone could schedule anything. Needless to say, I emailed her and she told me the audition slots were full. Maybe it’s better I didn’t work with someone who took her hackneyed piece so seriously.
After that, I was almost set to headline a theatre when the producer tried to talk me down from my original price. He mentioned the sound man was getting 900, him 600, and me 300. I have friends who don’t have my TV credits that do the same job for a few grand without getting shit. I was replaced by some local hack who later backed out. HA!
There have been a few signs things are getting better, but they never last. Friday I did a job for a family who owns an overpriced bakery in the Bronx. I have been there and the place is DIRTY! As a matter of fact, I believe they gave me food poisoning once. Not to mention their servers are notoriously rude. Anyway, the woman picked me up from the train and she was ghetto. I get there and did what I was supposed to do. Nevermind these people didn’t know which train station was which. The girl taking me back to the train was surly as a mofo. Not to mention she relied on me getting her to the train station, when she lives and works in the town.
Then my boss called me and asked how it went. He explained the client called and was super pissed and wanted her money back. My boss said she told him that they pretended to enjoy the show but they didn’t. It was all just an act. My boss asked them if they tipped me to which they replied they did. Basically, they were trying to rip my boss off and had planned this all along. Every once in a while, we get these clients.
Well so it goes. My boss told me that lately I have been snippy on the phone and he wondered if I took it out on the client. No, me being snippy had nothing to do with the client. Just the fact my life and everything about it has sucked. But maybe I should have taken it out on the dumbasses.
I also explained that they couldn’t get me to and from the train they were so dumb, and I was lucky I got out of that town because their stupidity could have killed me. My boss then asked if I took that out on the performance. No, but maybe I should have. In the end, they still tried to rip us off anyway.
On top of that, my boss asked me if I still enjoyed the job. When the clients aren’t assholes I love it immensely. For the whole summer, most of the people I delivered to were better than dreams actually. But when I get assholes wanting a free show or some axe to grind because they just do, no. There you go, honest answer.
I still got tipped, I still got paid. Those fuckers can turn on the television and see me from time to time and choke on their fucking poison canoli’s. Just for fun, I went online and apparently one of their employees made racist comments towards a bi-racial customer. Then the owner explained his dark skinned assistant was, “Trying her best for someone who was that way.”
Friday ended splendidly. I got into a street fight with a stranger. As I was having a meltdown on the street of New York, I was cussing at the top of my lungs. After all, the only thing stopping me from diving in front of a train is I might live and become a cripple and have real problems. The stranger yelled something and I told him to go fuck himself. He told me I was pathetic and he had more money in the bank than me. I screamed, “You do! You probably do! Congratulations, you win!!!” To which he didn’t know what to do or say.
As my life stands, it looks like I am on thin ice at my job. My career is at a standstill. There is a chunk of people who were once friends I can no longer call friends. My landlord hates me too. Not to mention while rent always gets paid, this is one of these months where it will probably happen by some act of something else.
On the flipside, I am dancing in the storm. I am writing like I have never written before. Not to mention I am also taking steps to produce and direct as well as star in my first short, and get funding. I have some amazing things on the horizon. I have also been taking classes with some amazing teachers, one being DW Brown, a Meisner expert in Hollywood. My support system has also been amazing. They have been the only reason I didn’t take the plunge from the GW Bridge.
The thing about killing yourself is you don’t give life a chance to get any better. While things feel like cold, hard concrete at the moment, that also functions as a proverbial trampoline. What comes down must come up. So now that I have hit cement and am banging my head there I am going to bounce back up. I have to. I just don’t know when.
By next week my landlord might not hate me. I might be back on my boss’s good side. My money situation might improve. My career might not be at a standstill. The world might end, but could we all be so lucky? Either way, as the shit continues to rain I am no longer protesting it. I am just letting it hit because soon enough this too shall pass.
Alas, and so it goes.