Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Showing Up

Lately things have been busy with the career. I have had a lot of opportunities thrust my way. Many have to do with both the telegram job and the book, and some with the ventriloquism. A few even have to do with the straight up standup. It has been insane, rewarding, and stressful.

I will admit I am a born control freak. I have worked long and hard for everything I have in my career. For years I had the door shut violently on my finger tips for being different. I was too alt for alt. I was too female for female. I was too this or too that. Setbacks, closed doors, sexism, and whatever in the works. I suffered long and hard. Now that I have it, I want it to go perfectly. Translated, it has my claw marks. There is probably a head of development or two that thinks I am just insane. It happens, whatever.

I was never one of the fair haired favorites in the comedy scene who had the carpet rolled out for me. There is still a bit of a chip on my shoulder about that. I have been trying to get rid of the chip but it is something that as hard as you try never goes away. I know I am kind of one of the cool kids but not really. I don't know. I just hate the cliquish bullshit. Just like high school. On the other hand, I am getting farther than the idiots in the cliques and on occasion they have been forced to admit defeat to me after treating me like the fat, ugly outsider. I like doing my own thing. It rocks.

I talk to my old high school in a few days about writing a book. My whole time there I had big dreams and planned to conquer the world. I still have big dreams and am planning to conquer the world. I am closer than I was before. Some of my dreams have been realized, and I am closer than I have ever been to conquering the world. I am just hoping they don't look at me and think I am old and boring. They say don't trust anyone over thirty. I am getting closer and closer to that don't trust mark. I am talking to the class of one of my sister's former track teammates. This is crazy I know.

Time passes. Time is cool. Time is our friend. Part of me is scared I will never get where I need to go. That I will chase dreams forever that will never come true. That I will always be a creepy girl with a bunch of dolls. That for as much TV time as I get, for as much as I publish, for as many followers I have, I will always be an outsider. I will always just get an A for effort like the retarded kid that eats paint chips and wears a fanny pack.

Part of me is unsure and wants to know the five year plan. I want to throw my money away at some psychic who tells me I am not where I need to get because I have an evil spirit attached to my soul. I want to drink some liquid and hold some stupid rock to make the evil spirit go away. It is foolishness, but whatever. It's all fear.

Where will I be in five years? I thought ten years ago I would be somewhere different. If I would have gotten what I wanted I would have short changed myself. I would have never written my book, been on the shows I was, or did the things I did. I don't know. I thought I would be doing a shitload of theatre. Whatever. I like the TV time I have gotten. I like my book.

Part of me is excited to see what is next. I am showing up too hard to fail. It is just the way it is. I need to stop being scared. It is hard. I need to be excited, not scared. I know, this is crazy. Time for more coffee.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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