Live Girls, Man Caves, and Other Things

When Times Square was Times Square, they used to have flashing signs that said, "Live Girls." I have seen pictures of this. During my travels as a comedian when accidentally driving through a local red light district I saw the same sign, "Live Girls." Now the sex shops have moved to Eighth Avenue. They aren't quite the same. There are lots of porn vids like straight porn, gay porn, lesbian porn, mixed race porn, and of course tranny porn. One shop advertised "Live Girls" and explained they were on the upper level.

I remember going upstairs to see these "Live Girls." What did they mean? Was this like a menu at an eatery where they explained the fish of the day was fresh catch? Were the girls just sitting in the tank waiting to be caught with a huge net? And what did you do when you caught your lady? Did you bring her home and keep her in a cage? I know it sounds crazy but some people are into that. Or was it more or less you had to bait the line? I didn't see any fly fishers. I didn't know. Well I saw just these three women sitting upstairs chilling out. They were scantily clad and kind of on the saggy side. Their best days had passed them up and now they were receiving their paycheck in slimy quarters. The one even had cottage cheese cellulite. I was alarmed. Where were the fishing nets? No one had caught them yet. Or maybe they had been here since the eighties and people forgot about them. One asked me if I was lost. I just turned around and left. Maybe I should have come back with my hooks and nets to capture them. Then I could have told people, yes, they were swimming in a tank. Mermaids exist.

Another time for kicks a comedian friend of mine and I went to a peep show. We were both young and stupid with fifty cents and too much time. They still have them on Eighth Avenue. When we got in the booth it was some scantily clad woman being fucked by a horse. Was this a homage to Catherine the Great? Either way my buddy and I couldnt stop laughing. Was this for real? Man, some people were desperate. If your luck got that bad there was always craigslist. But she was a farm girl. Maybe she didn't have such a thing. We were promptly thrown out of the store because we couldn't contain our laughter. Afterwards we nicknamed the girl Stable Mable. I ended up talking to someone afterwards and they told me it turns some people on. Who? Do they wear a straight jacket?

What amazes me is how men and women are wired so differently. I was at a penthouse party once and ended up chatting with some folks in this dude's man cave. He had a pretty extensive Playboy collection dating back to the 1970s when the chicks had generous bushes. Yes, rose bushes. He was showing his guy friends some of the prints and I was like, whatever. Anyway, on his wall was a naked photo of a woman lying in a meadow. It was what is referred to as a tasteful nude. Yes, she was just lying in the meadow casually naked chilling out. She was just there waiting for a guy. She was happy as could be, just naked. The guys at the party wanted to know who did the shot cause the girl was "hot." The thing that went through my mind was that she was naked. Was it warm where she was? What if she had misinterpreted the temperature because it was sunny and was freezing her ass off, literally? Or worse yet. She was in the grass. What if it was muggy and mosquitos were biting her where the sun didn't shine? That would be an embarrassing visit to the doctor. Or worse yet. What if she got Poison Oak on her unmentionable regions? Explain that one to your gyno. These things must be thought of when one lies naked in a meadow. Just saying ladies.

To me it is always crazy what happens when men and women meet. Guys are always thinking, "She is hot. I wonder if she is a freak. Let me lean in and pretend I care about her hard day at work to find out."

Women on the other hand are thinking, "He has a good job and a promising career. In a month we will be exclusive, in six months committed, in a year I will have a ring. Two years I will be married. Oh wait until he meets my mom! She'll love him."

Bottom line, whoever thought of this was a little evil. Just saying.

What gets me about guys is they are so fascinated with lesbians. A lot of so called lesbian porn is created for straight men. It is usually two blondes with extreme penis envy. They just happened to be dressed in black lingerie and have DD boobas. Oh and of course the video cam is accidentally on and the dildo is ready. Or better yet, they are unsupervised Catholic School Girls. Oh and they want dudes to just jump in!

Truth, lesbians don't watch lesbian porn. I have had several Sapphic friends tell me this. Most of the time, if the scene were real, the book shelf /music collection would have probably Emily Dickinson or Ani DiFranco on it. One would be butch. The other would be more femmy. Maybe they would make love. Maybe they would snuggle. One or both might be aggressive vegans. Neither would have a Catholic School Girl Outfit or Black Lingerie. There might or might not be a dildo present and no camera would be on let alone present. Translated, they are together because they don't want a dude in the room. Get the picture horny men. And if you challenge them they might read you their Smith College or Sarah Lawrence Graduate Thesis on Gender and Society. What I am trying to say is that it isn't the orgy fest you think it is. Truth be told, the minute Ani DiFranco comes on I think the jig will be up. Oh fantasy.

I am convinced the male brain has three settings: sports, food, and sex. That is why football games have lots of action on the field, lots of junk food in the stands, and lots of boobas bouncing up and down in the cheerleader uniforms. Some have argued that guys are more complex. Eh, not really. Most of the time they will actually admit it which is kind of cool on their part.

What I don't understand is monogamy. I don't think it is natural. I think this is why people are unfaithful. There was once a study done that adultery started in the animal kingdom as a means to keep the species going. So to be with one partner forever is not natural. I have never thought so. Some people do it because the world tells them they have to. I don't know how I feel about that. Some people are designed for it. Some people not so much. I think these standards are unfair. That way people wouldn't be persecuted when they just wanted to stray. Most of the time it is nothing personal. Most of the time people don't love the one they stray with. They just have other needs.

I explained this to my mom. This was our exchange:

Mom: I disagree. Someone who can't stay faithful is an asshole who can't commit.

Me: That doesn't mean they are bad. I know plenty of good fathers who couldn't stay faithful.

Mom: They couldn't be that good.

Me: I just don't think monogamy is natural. Everyone should just have an open relationship.

Mom: Women will continue to be jealous. Men will continue to be possessive. People will continue to die.

Sigh. Maybe my mom has a point.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

PS. Book signing at Brown Bookstore Saturday May 25 from 4-6. Be there or be square

God is Dog

Yesterday I was in a mood. I was back from the beach and it was raining. Plus the last day of vacation had been really rough. We got news my grandfather was sick. He had been losing fluid and they took him to the hospital. Ordinarily, this would be no biggie except he is ninety-five. The one doc said my Pop Pop had just twenty four hours. The other gave him a week. Of course my mom is at the beach and is freaking out that she is not with her dad during this emergency. She would have left except there were no real flights out that day from where we were. Then they said something about sending my grandfather to Hospice and my mom was a wreck on the beach. We ended up calling my Pop Pop and she spoke to him. That was a good thing because it made her feel better. This was extra special because my grandmother had died only six weeks before. Of course last Sunday was Mother's Day and Monday would have been her parent's sixty third wedding anniversary.

We got some news that my grandfather was starting to fill with fluid, which my sister explained that his kidney's were working. Still it has been a rough spring for my mother. She lost her mother, broke her arm, and one of her jobs fired her because in between bereavement and injury she had a ton of subs. This pissed me off because my mom was good to these people. My mom is the sweetest, most gentle woman on the face of the planet. It hurts me when people are mean to her. However my mom kind of hated the job because it was on Saturday, and now she has her Saturday's back to spend with her dad. And then usually my dad goes and spends time with his mom and you get the picture. Aging parents.

In between all of that my sister and brother are graduating, finally, next weekend. I would have to say Brenna or the fictional Skipper or as I call her, Dr. Sco, is a good kid overall. She is a helpful, guiding, kind spirit who is going to work in the emergency room as a doctor in Tennessee. My brother Billy or the fictional Wendell is finally getting his MD/PhD. Both are my guests next weekend at my book signing. It is exciting and nerve wracking all at once. When I plan an event I am usually up for days and annoy everyone. But my sister is also promoting. I am teaching her how to promote which is pretty funny. We are talking daily on how to promote. Next weekend my mother might be wearing a chicken suit. My family is crazy I know.

On top of that I sometimes get hung up about how everything seems to be harder for me with my career. Some of it is because I have a prop. Some of it is because I am a woman. And what annoys me sometimes is when male comedians seemingly have their careers handed to them with little or no work at all. I know this thought is only somewhat true and they have things that they have to deal with on their end. Everyone does. But there is nothing like the joy of being slighted for a male headliner who hasn't been on TV in years because he is a bully. There is nothing like being hidden to the end of the show as not to offend the male headliner. There is nothing like a booker trying to sleep with you because he thinks you are an open pair of legs. Stay in the corner woman. Continue speaking your victimese.

Of course as a woman writer there are even more things I have to deal with. When it comes to other women writers there is a strike against me because I am not a whiner. I don't blame my father for all my problems. I don't bitch and moan about being unloved as a child. I didn't grow up in a shack. My book is funny. I like it when people laugh and smile when they read my work. Women writers always want this breakdown and want a Goddamn award for being a martyr. To tell you the truth, I really don't like women writers sometimes. Did I mention I am fluent in victimese?

Then again, when I am overwhelmed and have had a rough twenty four hours I really don't like anyone.

Just as I was about to run into someone so I could accidentally deck someone I decided to get some iced cream. Sure it would put weight on me making me go from a miserable bitch to a fat miserable bitch. Just as I was entering my house I saw my neighbor's dog Otis running down the stairs. Usually I pet Otis when I see him. But I was not prepared for this. Usually Otis is on a leash but maybe his owner had unlocked the door and he had accidentally gotten out. While I have gotten better, I am deathly afraid of dogs.

Yes I had a dog once upon a time as a kid. But when I had her she was old and feeble. Shortly after Snapper died I had a terrible run in with a friend's dog. This family had a dog they didn't train that would just bite people. While it never bit me it tried. I was eight and from that time on dogs and I just didn't mix. However there are two I like in my building: George and Otis. Both are gentle creatures and wouldn't hurt anyone.

Anyway, when my neighbor saw I was alarmed he quickly leashed his dog and apologized. Because it was quiet he assumed no one was there. I told him it was okay, Otis was a good dog. My neighbor could still see I was shaken. I ended up petting Otis and he commanded that Otis gave me a paw. It took a few times cause you know dogs. Anyway, finally Otis gave me a paw.

It was the sweetest thing in the world. It was like this dog was shaking my hand. This was so incredibly endearing. Any alarming feeling and and any fear of our canine companions I had melted away. The strain of the day before with my grandfather melted away. The April being her ambitious basketcase self disappeared. As for the miserable bitch, she had no place in this equation. Like the Wicked Witch of the West she melted. I didn't feel stressed about the signing event next weekend. It was going to be alright. I was going to be alright. I had Otis and I was shaking his paw.

I complimented my neighbor on how kind his dog was and how well behaved. Of course Otis is a big bull dog so it was pretty funny. My neighbor informed me now Otis and I were friends and he would protect me always. Then my neighbor, who is gay, told me I looked pretty. I know he wasn't lying which was cool. And it was nice of him to say. Not to mention I am now in love with his dog.

Off Otis went for his walk and suddenly I felt better. It is amazing how animals are smarter than humans on so many levels. It's amazing how they know how to get to our hearts. It's amazing how we complicate our lives and they do something silly not only making us smile, but making us realize that it isn't that serious. Maybe they don't talk, but they know.

I once met a man in my travels who was kind of whacky who said, "I don't like a lot of people and would much rather spend time with my dog."

There were only two times I ever saw my dad cry. Once when his older sister passed away, and the second when our family dog passed. My dad is a man's man. But Snapper was their first child. She was with them when my dad completed law school and then was around the house when we were born. Snapper always had free reign. Although they put her to sleep, she was so sick she couldn't move.

People are protective of animals. They want to throw the book at people who hurt them. I used to think animal rights people were crazy but now I understand. Who would want to hurt Snapper? Who would want to hurt Otis?

I think I want a dog someday. I think it would make me feel better. Not just to have someone else in the house, but also, why not? Dogs are man's best friend. They never leave you for a prettier owner and when the sky seems dark they let you know it's gonna be alright.

I am not preaching religion. I don't know what is upstairs. It could be Jesus. Maybe it is Allah, perhaps Buddah, or He Who Walks Behind the Rows. But I suppose there is a reason God spelled backwards is Dog.

Love

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

PS. Book signing at Brown Bookstore Saturday May 25 from 4-6. Be there or be square

Peanut Gallery

Just a poem I wrote about my haters. And about how they will never be me.....

Peanut Gallery
Come and see me
As you sit in your peanut gallery
Name your price
But to pick is free

Cheer and jeer
Make up a lie or two
Say you know me way back when
The world will believe you

Cheer and jeer
Come and pick
Say I was a freakshow on reality TV
Decry the world for being sick

When really what you decry
Is that it wasn't you that was seen
Forever damned to claw for your dreams
Behind a computer screen

You spot it you got it
That's what they say
Call the Playboy Playmate a whore ladies
And wash your past away

Scape and rape with your words
It's okay to throw stones
When her body looks better than yours
The insults are the only thing you can own

Spew your hate via "social commentary"
Read it on page three
No one is coming to see you
In the peanut gallery

Yes, you have no talent
Yes, you have a spineless, codependent man
But ladies you can spit your venom
It's the only weapon that you can

Use to spread your hate and lies
About someone you do not know
About a life that you wish you had
Sit back enjoy the show

Yes artists who have no charisma
No magic behind the mic
You can say she did a sexual favor
It make you feel like

You have control
As you throw your soul in the middle of the ring
You accuse her of selling her soul
When she did no such thing

You say no one screams my name
And I have a delusion of fame
When all your hate talk
Only adds gasoline to the flame

Say I am no one
Spread it across the land
But you are making me a bigger legend
Than Candy Man

Say it about all of us
We did nothing to you
Aside from reach for the stars and get them
And then we turned the screws

We dance fast into the wind
Fast and fast as we can
Spreading sugar plum drops
Just like the ginger bread man

These are myths that surround our legend
Transcend the names you call
We rise above into the cosmos
And we cannot hear you at all

For as much as you yell
For all the picking from your end
When asked who you are we say
"Don't know them, sorry my friend."

Know this, you will never get to page three
We are stars shooting far
You, on the other hand,
Are damned to the peanut gallery

"I Have Morals"

I have run into women in my travels that are some serious sluts. The feminist in me hates that word. I more or less like sexually expressive. But I use sluts when referring to these women because that is who they are. I use the derogatory term because on top of being easy they are downright hypocrites. They are the kind of girls who dress in clothes that show you their ta tas and then act like they are selling their asses. That is when they say the phase we all detest, "I have morals."

I went to high school with this girl who was kind of goofy. She dyed her hair a horrific strawberry blonde color and had transferred in from the Christian school. Anyway, she had a habit of dating black dudes, and white meat and dark meat didn't mix where I grew up. People made fun of her constantly for this. Of course, she was having unsafe sex and had no plans of wrapping it up. So every month she was having a pregnancy scare again. At the time another friend of mine and I were reading a book by Aleister Crowley and she said she was worried about our souls. Meanwhile she is the one humping her black boyfriend who was getting arrested weekly without a condom. Not knocking chocolate, but the Bible sort of looks down on witchcraft and premartial sex the same. Oh and she was anti-gay, very anti-gay. I think she forgets once upon a time her boyfriend would be hanging from the tree for the felacio she was giving. Anyway time passed and she dumped him. She ended up dating another black dude who had just gotten out of boys home when they met. Guess who got knocked up and didn't finish high school? Well they have two kids and he has no job. Oh and she disfriended me on facebook for a pro-choice post I made. Now she has a whole page where it is pictures of her in hoochie coochie shots where her boobs are showing and her tits hang out. Not to mention she is parading around her beige babies and posts about how "God won't give her man a job." No, your man is just lazy. The best is she talks about how she hates Obama and actively campaigned for Romney because he was Christian. Newsflash Ho, if Romney got elected you and your mixed kiddies would be staff at his events. Oh and he would take away the food stamps and welfare your family lives on. (Yes, she actually posted about this). She says Lil Wayne needs a prayer. Of course this is after she not only posts a sleazy photo of herself followed by a Christian rock song. Yes, he might need a prayer but bitch you need a brain.

Second in line is the daughter of family friends. Her father and stepfather are great people but she is spoiled like rotten milk. Growing up she was always the pretty kid with the easy life until her ass got knocked up and she had to leave college. Her pops wanted to kill her baby daddy but I vouched for the dude because I knew him. They had a good relationship for a minute but she was a brat and drove him away. Yeah he didn't want to be married.....to you! Well I had no problem with the Little Princess turned Breeding Lump until one day I posted a pro-choice joke on facebook. It was harmless. Little Princess Turned Breeding Lump didn't think so. She went on a huge rant about how she chose life for her son because she believes in God and has morals and I had no right to say what I did and didn't know what she had been through, and Little Princess Turned Breeding Lump disfriended me! After I made sure her dad didn't kill her sperminator. Oh and not to mention she chose to have the child. It's not my fault her selfish ass regrets it. Then she gave an interview to a local TV station about how God helped her through her ordeal as a single mother. Meanwhile she completed college and her stepmom raised the kid! Oh and she made sure she told us her kid made the putrid finger painting in Bible School. And then she got a stupid role in some movie because her dad has connex and when they asked her if she did a topless scene she said, "No, I have morals." Meanwhile she did a scene where she had a softcore lesbian encounter on a trampoline with another woman. In another post she came out very aggressively against gay people. Oh and this is someone who had a child out of wedlock. Now she keeps a blog whining about the man she married and how her new baby has issues and how she has to see a therapist. Oh and God is guiding her and she says nutty things about Jesus. Maybe it is better we aren't friends. Little Princess Turned Breeding Lump is tiring. Perhaps her parents are lying and saying she was adopted. Sure she is a Little Princess Turned Breeding Lump that no one with half a brain could stand without an entire bottle of Jack Daniels. Sure she popped a baby out of her vagine out of wedlock. Sure she will not pose topless but will do a lesbian scene. But she is pro-life, attends a Bible Chapel, and has morals. Translated, she can be an asshole who has so much sex during high school that she probably banged her head under the bleachers while taking the high ground. Jesus says she can.

Of course last but not least was Kimberly, the Jets Cheerleader. Kimberly was vapid as the day was long. I mean, with a name like Kimberly what else could you do with yourself except wiggle and say stupid things. This walking set of exposed flesh would not have been so annoying except she was a Christian. When I met her I knew I was in danger because she said Taylor Swift lyrics were deep. Yes, Ms. Swift and the Backstreet Boys along with Beiber are breaking the intellectual barriers of Jim Morrison, NOT! Well I was chatting with some other folks cause it was a sports thing and dazzling them with my sports trivia. Kimberly Kim takes a stab and says my info isn't factual. I choose to ignore her because she probably does a spread eagle every week for some rich man. That was one of the way she made the squad. Well during the course of the shoot Kimberly says she is a Christian and has a special relationship with Jesus. Oh and then she comes down on Ben Roethlisberger and says he has poor morals. She says as a Christian she can't support him. Okay, maybe Big Ben does need work in that department but she is a cheerleader for the Jets. Essentially she poses in skimpy outfits, shows men her boobs, and isn't supposed to talk. Now we know why. Oh and the Jets are the most corrupt organization in the NFL. Rex Ryan sucks his wife's toes. Sanchez dates underaged girls. Comrarie has eight children with four different women and seldom pays support. Santonio Holmes drives brazenly under the influence, and coaches play on the sidelines cheating. Yes, the Steelers may have issues but the Jets have their own layer of hell if we want to play the moral game. But she was dumb so I just didn't get into it. Then Ms. Kimberly Kim told us she and her boyfriend, another follower of Christ, were moving in together. She too proceeded to say gays deserved AIDS. Pretty strong statements from a scantily clad woman living in sin. When I got home I googled Kimberly Kim and saw she was on the Jets calender in a bikini, with her hands in a suggestive place looking as if to slip the panties off. Of course she was on her knees poised for the touchdown money shot. Carrie Prejean much? I guess a blow job outside of marriage is okay because it is a straight blow job. And while we are at it, she can do whatever she wants. She has Jesus and morals. Oh and Kimberly Kim probably does anal. As we all know that doesn't count.

I am not knocking slutty women. May Wilson is slutty. I have met many porn stars and strippers and liked them. Some of my greatest friends have been whores and hustlers in the most technical sense. But they were my friends because they were true to who they were. They didn't front. They didn't take the high ground. They said, "This is me, take it or leave it." Oh and they had a sense of humor about it. If you asked them about God they would say they were probably going to hell. If there is a hell and my friends are there they better save me a seat. That way we can talk about all these Christians getting the flames after they get fisted by a demon. Hey, lying is a sin, right?

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

PS. Book signing at Brown Bookstore Saturday May 25 from 4-6. Be there or be square

The Ocean

Right now I am at the beach. That is why I have been a little plugged out. I needed some time to detox. There has been a lot going on with my book-good stuff-but I want the answer now. Granted all packages were mailed to Cali and it takes a week yet still, I want to know the answer. I am a little bummed Madame Cleo is out of business. Of course God supposedly doesn't tell you straight away. He jiggles a plant or something. Buddah and Allah, they haven't appeared on this mission. What I am trying to say is I am a neurotic woman on the brink. Can't you tell? I know, my neuroses go well with my pearls. Ask all my old boyfriends.

Oh and I had some haterade drama that I will not even begin to describe.

Anyway I am at the beach with mi familia. Our big vacay for the summer. It's my sister, myself, and my parents. It's her big trip before the world is forced to call her doctor. It's our big trip before our book signing at Brown next week. And it's my big chance to get my brain together.

The nice thing about the ocean is that it is just is. It doesn't try to be anything else. Earlier this week I imagined being swept away. I mean, not dying, just plopped down to a desert island. That way I could shirk out of my responsibilities. Of course I would probably be eaten by a shark and that would totally suck so I thought screw that.

Then the anxiety returned. The beach ball in my stomach. What would my audiobook turn out like? Would the magazines say nice things about my book? Oh and I have a book signing at an Ivy League school and my mother is driving me crazy about the joint event I have planned with my siblings?

I began to think what if all these things failed. Where would I go? What would I do to hide? Why didn't I become a doctor like my sister? Damnit why can't I be Iron Man? That is when I get a phone call from a fan of mine. I end up telling this fan who I adore about how I have a lot of followers, 5k on one page, and then two more, and how I can't always talk to everyone. And then some get testy when I don't get back to them and blah de blah.

That is when my fan said, "You have been on TV, you have a book, and you have fans. You have it better than most people, April."

My fan was right. Although I am a whacko woman on the brink most of the time the work is finally starting to pay off. My twenties which were spent onstage whoring myself like a stripper, performing with my puppets in the street, dressing in costume for a living, and writing my first book in a dingy apartment with no air conditioning are starting to come to something. I have fans. Better than all those throwing haterade at me. No one likes those fools.

As I was on the beach with my mother in my bikini I lamented about how I had grown gender paranoid as of late with all the hatred coming from entitled male working comics who wanted to slam me, and bitch female comedians. My mom, who is magic like Jesus, but actually might be more awesome because she gave birth to me, says, "I used to think there was a strike against me because of my size (she's 4'11"), my age and being a woman. But I can go places guys can't and do things guys can't. I mean, why would I pay a few bucks to burp and fart and watch football when I can wear makeup, perfume, and have a good time?"

My mom is right.

I look out and see the ocean. It comes and it goes. It has fish. It is gentle and rough. But bottom line, it just is. At the end of the day sometimes you have to be like the ocean. You have to be where your feet are. You try your best and that is all you can do. Otherwise like any neurotic I build castles in the sky.

Why do that when you can build a castle in the sand? Adults do it. Kids do it. And it doesn't end up putting you in a straight jacket.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

PS. Book signing at Brown Bookstore Saturday May 25 from 4-6. Be there or be square

Signing and Other News

Hey Poppy Seeds,

There is lotsa going on in my universe. Here are some important events:

1. Book signing at Brown University with Special Guests Brenna M. Brucker, MD and William J. Brucker, MD, PhD with PACE (Providence Alliance of Clinical Educators). I will be signing my book, I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl.  They will be signing their eduational book. Yes, they are my older brother and baby sister. It is the only time you will ever see a semi-celeb and two mad scientists meet. It is  Saturday, May 25, 2013 at the Brown University Bookstore from 4-6. My mother will even be there in a chicken suit. My aunt might even be dressed as a pickle. I am not kidding. Do you think I got this way on my own?

2. My audiobook will finally be done as far as editing goes in two weeks. Look for it on itunes and Audible this summer. Download it so I can be rich!

3. Gay Pride Weekend I will be part of the scavenger hunt and the winning team will recieve my book as a prize. I will also be on the trail. So boys who like boys, girls who like girls, our trans brothers and sisters and any member of the rainbow crew, look for me. However if you step out of line I will get one of the Dykes on Bikes to straighten you out. (Note: Pride is about loving who you are no matter who you love. All are welcome to attend).

4. Some big magazines and radio shows are interested in hosting me to talk about my book. We are talking within the next month. More on that later.

5. Some hot photos for my male fans coming soon. Don't worry boys, I didn't forget about you


xoxoxox

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

Helena (The Misfits)

The Native Americans used to have a term for negative people. They called them spirit snatchers. Essentially, when dealing with this person they sucked your spirit and for the rest of the day you were angry or annoyed for no reason. Answer these people took your energy. We all know a spirit snatcher. We have crossed paths with them. We have all fallen victim. It's like the day is sunny and then all of a sudden there is the black cloud and that person appears. No responsibility or accountability, just it's everyone else's fault. Always some crisis. You know what I'm saying.

A few years ago there was a woman I performed with. Her hair was dyed this terrible pineapple color and she always had some crisis. Usually these involved sleeping with older, male headliners for stage time. She always had some sob story and as a bi-product got stage time from these guys. I saw through the sob story right away. In addition, this woman also had a story about how her father molested her in some fashion and went so far as to carry around the incest literature, reading it at the bar. While incest is a real thing and it is terrible, this chick was really playing the Lifetime violin hard. We did a show and while I was in the same room she stole my joke. Sure the joke wasn't that special but she had done shows with me before. She knew that was mine. I said something to a friend and he said, "Go easy, her dad touched her." Oops so that gives her the right to be an asshole. This was back in the days when Jack Daniels and I were besties and usually I had to fortify myself before tolerating this mess. Needless to say eighteen months later, she totally recanted her tales of her dad molesting her saying he was the greatest guy in the world. That is also around the time Jack Daniels and I ended our love affair. She became harder to deal with and now when I see her I don't talk to her. I just can't. It's always some manipulative tale of lies and deception for self-gain. Not to mention she just pisses me off. Oh and she twists it around to anyone that will listen about how I don't like her and says it is for no reason. Yes Bitch, I don't like you. But we both know why. Anyone with a brain doesn't.

Of course another person I have met in my travels is some woman who claims to be a relation to someone famous and that is all I will say. Supposedly, she grew up poor but lived in a swanky section of Florida in a condo. I don't know. Anyway, she is one of those people who is your friend to your face but behind your back will stab you when you aren't looking. Not to mention she just likes to start things between people. Another friend of mine got divorced and had a fling with this thing before meeting his current gal pal of three years. So when this thing meets his girlfriend she tells him about this sexual tryst they had. How is this appropriate? Anyway, I had a few run ins with this thing. On not one but several occasions she has come into a hang out drunk off of her mind and tried to start crap with me by calling me a slut and such. Meanwhile, her legs open and close more frequently than a pair of scissors. I usually avoid her because my first impulse is to punch her and she isn't worth a felony charge. But I came close a few months ago when a girl who was a roomie of a friend of ours unknowingly slept with a total ladies man and got her heart broken. This nut told everyone in the bar. As someone who had an absentee father who disses her you think she would have been sympathetic to someone having a bad day? No, once a manipulative shunt always a manipulative shunt. So I avoid her as well. Plus some of her closest besties have dissed me rather publically on gossip sites. Not good for the mental health of the AB. Why go there when you can have peace and serenity?

Spirit snatchers aren't always nasty people. Sometimes they are just a mess of McDrama that keeps growing. One in particular was an old friend of mine who had a husband that she was unhappy with. So instead of telling him how she felt she started having an affair with another dude. I was her friend through this Tom Foolery and we often had girl's nights out where she told me about both men. And then it got worse. The dude she was having an affair with started calling me to tell me about the affair because I knew him, and he started to make a play for me. The sob story he concocted was that his wife had no vagina therefore he couldn't have sex with her. I knew this was bullshit but my buddy bought it hook, line, and sinker. Well the end came when her husband and I crossed paths and he started giving me info too. Dealing with these three freakshows was making me a homicidal maniac. Woman who is married to one man but in love with the other but won't leave. Then there was creepo who lies about his wife having no vagine. And add in idiot husband who keeps taking her back. Oh and she was also being evicted. Maybe if she would have started charging the other guy.....But still, eventually I had to end this crap. I wanted to murder all three of them. If they put the energy they did into their careers as they did into their lives they would all be stars. This friend and I have reconnected and she and her husband have worked through their issues and the other guy is no more. However, it is on a limited basis. Once you see that side of someone there is no going back.

And then in the spirit snatcher category there is just the other category of entitled. A few years ago I was friends with this guy on an online site for comedians. He was pretty supportive and nice. Then he got into a relationship, moved cross country, and got dumped. When he returned to the city he expected things to start happening for him again and they didn't. Things had changed and people had moved on. He was no longer the great "I am." Anyway, during this time I got some momentum with my career and was getting better gigs, gigs he felt entitled to. So any chance he got he would start things with me online. Sometimes he would correct my grammar, sometimes he would slam a job I got, and he would call me names for the way I promoted myself. In addition, he took cheap shots at my puppetry skills, etc. Well, I got a TV show and guess who was on the message board dissing me front and center? Yeah....So basically after that I blocked him online and said I was done with his ass. A few months later some people who saw him live wrote me and said they saw my videos, and he sucked so bad they wished they would have had me there instead. Just proof God hates the same things I do. This goes to show you that it is a pleasant lesson that life owes doesn't owe anyone anything. Clarence Darrow may have won The Scopes Monkey Trial, but that didn't mean his next case was handed to him. I always see this dude walking through my hood with an angry look on his face and his fists clenched. Maybe if he stopped blaming everyone else for his problems he just might have his career back.

Of course there is the dream killer. I once worked under this guy at a club who was a failed actor turned comedy club manager. My goal was to do the gig a bit and then move on once I got headliner spots or something better. It was a place to park my feet and work out my stuff. This dude I worked under would always tell me about how he wanted to be an actor but couldn't do it and how he was going to die alone. Oh and then he would force me to lie to the comedians walking in the door and say industry would be at the new talent shows when it in fact would not. He would always talk about how unfair the industry had been to him and such. This was not an easy gig. Most of the time this dude was always trying to get me to stay. When I would try to advance my career he would tell me it wasn't happening and how he used to have the same dreams and just to give them up. Our last convo was when I was finally getting ready to leave for real. I had just gotten a ton of national TV time-and they did too through me-and I was still being worked like a dog. This dude said, "Sometimes in life we just have to settle. Your career isn't going to be what you want it to be." I was like, you are old. You can settle. I was going to quit but they fired me instead which was a fucking relief. Needless to say not only did I decide not to settle, but I have never regretted the outcome.

In that category add unhealthy relationships. When I was twenty one I found myself embroiled with someone who was emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically abusive. This dude would tell me he loved me one minute and then the next be telling me how much something I did sucked. Sometimes he hated the way I wore my hair. Sometimes he hated my cooking. Oh and he would tell me how weird his friends thought I was and how they didn't like me. But the next minute he would be cleaning my room or writing me a poem so I was always sucked back in. There were times this dude would insult me in public in front of his friends whether he was telling me I needed breast implants or that my puppets were just weird and no one liked them. And then of course according to him, because he helped me with three jokes, he wrote my entire standup act. The second I would try to do anything without him he would convince me that I couldn't do it. In between the constant putting me down and everything else I began to lose my self-worth. When I would try to leave he would threaten suicide and even attempted it twice in front of me. I was so consumed that I was too tired to live the rest of my life. Oh and he never had any money therefore I had to front the bill everytime. When I decided to leave he started stalking me and I had to get a different mailing address. I am glad I left though. Not only did I get my confidence in myself back, but I got my puppets back too. My mom told me that when I was with him I was angry all the time and when I left him she got her daughter back so to speak. I am grateful there was still a part of my spirit that wasnt taken that just decided enough was enough. Since that time I have never let a man bully me, and I also took a look at my part in things about why I decided to stay as long as I did. And I am happy to say I never did it again.

More generally, I have experience the spirit snatching through comedian road trips. It always starts off as someone bringing up someone and then everyone starts dissing everyone. Some regard it is as past time. I regard it as a waste of breath. Often times that person is someone doing well and on track. These gossipers often cry, "Not fair." I have met the subject of the gossip from time to time and not only found what was being said not true, but actually found myself liking the butt of the bullying by words much more than my riding companions. Some of these subjects of idle gossip have stepped up to defend me when I was being torn to shreds by others. I have always wanted to say to these morons, maybe if you concentrated on your own game you would be successful too. Maybe if you stopped buying into the excuseolgy and victimology then you would be doing well. We make our own luck in this world. We are all responsible for our own happiness.

If you find yourself in constant contact with spirit snatchers it is time to ask yourself why you are letting these people in your life. I remember I went through a phase where it seemed I was being jumped by them at every corner. That is when I decided it was boundary time.

Here are some suggestions I got to combat these spirit snatching sons/daughters of bitches who taught them no better:
1. Wear a watch. That way when they begin to snatch your spirit with their bullshit you can say you have somewhere to go. Even if it is just the Toot 'n' Scoot. You don't have to specify. Your goal is not to spare their feelings but to save your sanity. They won't take it personally, in a minute they will find a new target.

2. Change the subject. If you are trapped in a car or a space with this person it can be harder. But if you change the subject to something general like sports the gossip or hate speech can stop.

3. Say, "I don't want to know." When they start telling you about their McDrama and you feel your brain leaking, you are welcome to say you don't want to know. Keep repeating it until they get it. Again, they will find someone else and you will get to keep your sanity.

4. Make the excuse that you need to go out and smoke. Even if you aren't a smoker, it gets you away from the entity temporary sucking your soul and you can take a few breaths and get your sanity back.

5. Cut them out completely. If you have the option this works best. Don't pick up the phone when they call. When you see them on the street run the other way. Even if you aren't having a bad day, after seeing them you will

Also, surround yourself with positive people doing positive things. Stick with the winners, they people who have what you want. Make friends and take lovers that while they will tell you when you are being a jerkoff and give you honest feedback, also will make you feel good about yourself and value you as a person.

Sigh....I know this is long but I had words to say, yo

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace