Dental Work and Other Adventures

This week has been all about dental work. Yes, drilling and screaming. Later making love to the rich and handsome King Vicodan. When he isn't available, it's Queen Codine who takes his place. It's a weird and toxic love triangle.


Yesterday was interesting. I had my teeth drilled, and the dentist and her assistant were talking about Tim McGraw's tight jeans. The entire time I am thinking, "You just hit a nerve or jaw bone with that needle. Put the drill down."


Afterwards, I went to get ice tea because that was the only thing I could have. I am at the counter, with both eyes black with circles under them. Some of it is from no sleep, and my face is puffed out an saggy from the dental work I just had done. Plus I was trying hard not to drool, and needed something cool to drink.


So this is how the exchange with me and the girl behind the counter went


Girl: Excuse me, are you that Puppet Girl from My Strange Addiction?


Me: Yes


Girl: That is awesome! I am such a fan. Did anyone ever tell you that you are amazing?


(Amazingly, I somehow managed not to drool although this was quite a challenge).


Me: Oh thank you


(Still trying not to drool)


Girl: Do you have one of your puppet children with you?


(I pull Officer E out. We do a small show. Her and some of the others laugh)


Girl: Can I have a photo with you?


Me: Sure.


(We take a picture)


Girl: My manager is here but I don't give a crap.


Me: It's all good.


Girl: Oh, and I will ring your ice tea up.


Me: Thanks, just had some dental work done.


Girl: This is so awesome!


Fan encounter was cool, dental work not so much. Oh, and while I love being recognized by fans because I am an egomanic, why did it have to be after dental work? Why couldn't it have been when I looked divalicious or when my hair was almost combed, and my makeup was almost done? Instead I looked like I had a drill that had been stuck in my mouth. My mom always says be ready. But still, I didn't expect it after the dentist. May Wilson would have rocked it.


Last night was a pain killer induced sleep. It was the only way this puppet mistress was getting through the night. I kept dreaming I was partying with the World Cup German soccer team. Perhaps I have been spending too much time on Ranter. I have the app back on my phone. I am ranting again. I also got a new phone yesterday too. This kid is explaining how it works and there I am nodding off like the junkies I used to date. Good times.


Today I had more work done. This time with the doctor I like. My whole mouth hurt from yesterday's adventure in dentistry. He explained these things happen. Then he said, "April, you are falling apart of me." It made me laugh. I needed to laugh.


Still dental pain sucks. You don't want it. I woke up to the email of a show being cancelled. Oh well, I have another one next week. Need to get back onstage. And I will.


But first this pain killer needs to wear off.


However, I am making use of my semi-altered state. I am going to get my hair done.


Good news, movement on the DVD release front, YAY


Toodles

The Responsibility to Be PosITive.

When your career starts to take off, it is really exciting. I know because I am experiencing it now. Several times a week I am in front of a camera for ITTV. I have a taping for one project, a location scouting appointment for another, and of course a conference call for a third. Of course in there my audiobook is now ready for release and there is a musical to be written. Oh and I have a book signing I am currently scheduling in my hometown. Then there is something I am doing where I have to call on West Coast Time. If this were an oven, it would be hot. So needless to say at the end of a lot of days I am tired. 

Last week I was feeling crunched. When I feel crunched I start snapping at people. From the fat woman who doesn't walk fast enough to to the idiot with the baby carriage to the gaggle of kids talking too loud on the train I want to scream. Of course I then want to throw my damn phone because suddenly it seems everyone is in cahoots to shorten my lifespan. Then there is the snapping on the phone to my mother where I seem to hate everyone. After that there is the people pleaser where I apologize to the point of masochism, and the psychotic overachiever who says "yes" to everything. Then I wonder why I feel like I am drowning.

The other day I was talking to an old friend of mine and talked about life then and now. Despite the craziness my life has become as of late, I realized something. When I was younger, hitting the mics and hoping every day and night things would start to happen, things are finally happening. I used to look at people who had big projects on the burner and would say to myself, "Someday, that is going to be me." Well guess what, it is finally me. I would pass newsstands and see magazines hoping to be in them someday. Well I was in the TV Guide already, and whenever I pass a magazine stand I see someone I have worked with or know. The other day I was in a cab and on taxi TV was Jane Pratt. I was on xoJane. Then I saw Arianna Huffington on the front of the Learning Annex. I have written for the Huffington Post!!!!! And then I walked past The Today Show and saw the people. I was on there. As a kid I was an on camera host in Pittsburgh, now I am doing that in NYC. I also wrote articles and won writing awards, now my book is available. Maybe I wasn't at the VMAs but Britney Spears plugged my book. My book was also on the shelf next to Juno Diaz who won a MacArthur Award and Ophira Eisenberg who just sold a film. I can do these things too. 

I used to dream of these things all the time. They seemed like they would never happen. And now they are finally happening. I am turning into that person, that "star" if you will that I have always wanted to be.

The other day I answered fifty fan letters I never realized I got. At first I cried about disappointing my fans, now I realize I am grateful and blessed to have them. As a kid, I used to dream about the concept of fans from everywhere. Now it is starting to happen. This is awesome. Sunday I woke up to two fan letters. I am on TV a bunch in Europe.

Yes, my work schedule is heating up. But on the flipside, I really work for some wonderful people who believe in me and have my back. Not only are they bosses, but they are friends. That is why for as crazy as they make me sometimes, I know they do it because they want to see my best work and want me to use my full potential. That is why not only don't I mind breaking my back for them, but it is an honor and a pleasure. Not to mention they value me not only as an employee but as a person. 

Yes, my mother is currently coordinating my book signing. Yes, she calls me in the morning when only God is probably up. But she is the best press person ever. My mom doesn't sleep and I am blessed to have her. End of story. 

Of course there is my assistant Masimo (Yes I have an assistant). While I am getting used to this, he is always on it. I hadn't called him this week because the annoying feminist part of me is used to doing things on her own. He called yesterday and asked, "Are you okay?" 

My boss at ITTV told me that I couldn't slack off on facebook. My fans needed me. 

My boss at the singing telegram company told me I had to stop apologizing.

My mother told me to start taking my vitamins. 

The other day I got a letter from a young woman who wants to be an actress. She told me how I inspired her to follow her dreams and how she looks up to me. I remember this letter came in the fifty I didn't know I had. I also got another fan letter from a young woman who was bullied. Another who had escaped an abusive boyfriend.

I remember having those dreams, growing up. Everyone told me they were foolish. I used to watch the television, knowing those people started foolish dreams too. I read about those fools as well. 

 I was that overweight, bullied kid who didn't have a TV. Now I have been on many of the channels I could not watch growing up. While I am not where I want to be quite yet, if I keep moving and grooving I will get there.

I dated that psycho who tried to get me to abandon my hopes and dreams. Not only did I dump him but found myself again.

Kids look up to me now. It's my responsibility to show them it's going to be okay. It's my responsibility to let them know that you should reach for the stars and settle for nothing less. It's my responsibility to let them know that for as crazy as life gets, it does get better. 

No matter how tired I feel, no matter how overwhelmed I get....

It's my responsibility to remain positive.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

www.aprilbrucker.com

www.twitter.com/aprilbrucker

Peanut Gallery

Just a poem I wrote about my haters. And about how they will never be me.....

Peanut Gallery
Come and see me
As you sit in your peanut gallery
Name your price
But to pick is free

Cheer and jeer
Make up a lie or two
Say you know me way back when
The world will believe you

Cheer and jeer
Come and pick
Say I was a freakshow on reality TV
Decry the world for being sick

When really what you decry
Is that it wasn't you that was seen
Forever damned to claw for your dreams
Behind a computer screen

You spot it you got it
That's what they say
Call the Playboy Playmate a whore ladies
And wash your past away

Scape and rape with your words
It's okay to throw stones
When her body looks better than yours
The insults are the only thing you can own

Spew your hate via "social commentary"
Read it on page three
No one is coming to see you
In the peanut gallery

Yes, you have no talent
Yes, you have a spineless, codependent man
But ladies you can spit your venom
It's the only weapon that you can

Use to spread your hate and lies
About someone you do not know
About a life that you wish you had
Sit back enjoy the show

Yes artists who have no charisma
No magic behind the mic
You can say she did a sexual favor
It make you feel like

You have control
As you throw your soul in the middle of the ring
You accuse her of selling her soul
When she did no such thing

You say no one screams my name
And I have a delusion of fame
When all your hate talk
Only adds gasoline to the flame

Say I am no one
Spread it across the land
But you are making me a bigger legend
Than Candy Man

Say it about all of us
We did nothing to you
Aside from reach for the stars and get them
And then we turned the screws

We dance fast into the wind
Fast and fast as we can
Spreading sugar plum drops
Just like the ginger bread man

These are myths that surround our legend
Transcend the names you call
We rise above into the cosmos
And we cannot hear you at all

For as much as you yell
For all the picking from your end
When asked who you are we say
"Don't know them, sorry my friend."

Know this, you will never get to page three
We are stars shooting far
You, on the other hand,
Are damned to the peanut gallery

Smack My Bitch Up (Prodigy)

When I was thirteen a photographer friend of mine had an assistant. She was a nice girl and she used to like to go after famous men in order to date them. Some of it was she was star struck, some of it was that she was young. Some of it was that she was a groupie type.

At the time my family had just gotten MTV. It was a way that my dad could watch my brother's football games. Where there was one station to be purchased twenty more came with the package. Within two weeks of having MTV I was hooked like heroin. I still remember when Prodigy came on the screen. I was in love. I loved their loud music, the cacophony of noise. This was awesome. "He's so cute!" I squealed with my sister.During an MTV watching session, in which Prodigy made MTV news my dad decided it was time for one of his daddy lectures. He told us that while it was wonderful that these people did what they did fame wasn't the most important thing in the world. It was more important to live a good life and have a family.

Well in the mean time my photographer friend's assistant began dating a band member from Prodigy. She fell head over heals for him and by the way she spoke about him they were going to be together forever. Apparently she met this guy while he was on tour and invited me to this party where the band members would be. She gave me the scoop on Prodigy, that they weren't a real band per se. That they were put together by the studio and owned by Madonna and her label.

This girl very quickly fell for this guy and called him all the time burning up her phone bill. However Mr. Prodigy had different ideas. This girl was following him, and burning up her money. On the other hand Mr. Prodigy could have cared less. The girl wanted to be Mrs. Prodigy, but she was just one of many girls that he had in many ports. She was in love, he was just looking to have his bed occupied.

Finally one day she made plans to fly to London to be with him, start a life. My photographer friend, sick of the charade, gave her the business. He told her that if this guy cared about her he would be paying for her plane ticket to England and paying for her to come to see him. If this guy cared he would have tried harder to make this work. It's not what she wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that Mr. Prodigy, her famous boyfriend, loved her.

Needless to say the romance began to fall off soon after that. She woke up and realized despite his fame Mr. Prodigy was just a frog, not a prince. The experience helped her wake up. From there she actually met a nice, nonfamous guy who made a decent amount of money and treated her well. They got married and have kids. They are happy. Sure she didn't marry Mr. Prodigy but she has a good story. But all and all, it is just a good story. The end.

As for Mr. Prodigy, he had his time in the sun and like the 1990s he too faded into obscurity. He is probably living in London, maybe working in music still. Or perhaps he is working at the local eatery serving fish 'n' chips asking customers, "Do you want fries with that?" I think him and the legion of bands that burned out and disappeared after a hit or two.

I thought of this story the other day when I was in kickboxing and I heard the song "Fire Starter." I was like, "Wow, havent heard that since middle school" and thought of this girl. Perhaps Mr. Prodigy is running around the British country side and telling women of his days as a rock superstar, beer belly and all. I can only guess. Sigh, just be thankful that phase of my life is over.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book and Amazon.com for paperback
Kindle and Nook for Ebook
Audiobook available on 2013
Subscribe to my youtube at www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Close Call

Yesterday I had a very close call with a fan who was very unbalanced. It all started a month and a half ago when he brought my book. I offered him a "dream date" as in coffee and for me to sign his book in person. I made it clear what it would be, just coffee and a book signing. However, he began to press me because he didnt want a dream date. He wanted a relationship and he wanted to get to know the real April Brucker. The whole thing frankly creeped me out. This was moving too fast for me.
Apparently he had followed my career from the beginning when I used to either kill or bomb at the Village Lantern. I had never really met him, but he knew a lot about me. Plus he had been making some weird webseries about serial killers. Although he was an artist we werent nearly on the same level. He had approached me like a fan so I treated him like a fan. While I become friendly with many of my fans, perhaps the boundaries were blurred on my part.
Right before my book was released we met once. I was doing a show he produced. Hours before his show I was delivering a singing chicken in Lyndhurst. Who happens to be driving by but my fan boy. At the time I was dealing with another stalker, a fan who was calling me, blocking my number, and pretending to be different people. This fan had never met me in person but had obtained my number off of the internet. The harassment got so intense that I eventually went to the police. Anyway, as I am walking I hear my name called and someone who identifies himself as this particular fan boy offers me a ride to wherever I have to go. I jumped in, we laughed, and he jokingly asked why I wouldnt date him. I was like whatever, he is just being silly. We laughed about how silly the whole thing was and apparently he lived in the town. I did his show later that night too, which was an ill-planned trainwreck. Nonetheless, it was stage time. Plus when a fan books me I always go. I am all Bruce Campbell like that.
Then he brought my book and I promised him coffee and a personal book signing. Well I was going through the ordeal with the stalker, the phone company, and the police for a while. Plus my work schedule was becoming intense. This idiot starts sending me texts suddenly taking my promise out of context and telling me he wants a relationship. I told him that wasnt in the cards but he wouldnt stop. He kept saying he was going to marry me and take care of me and I am like this is moving WAAAAAYYYYYY TOOOOOO FAAAAASSSSSTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While I have fans who have met me and some say they are going to marry me, they are not this intense and frightening. I tried to let the guy down easy. Apparently there was a miscommunication. I didnt mean to be a lying shrew, but I may have accidentally been. I told him the truth. I had been busy and was dealing with a stalker who was harassing me. He said, "Enough about the stalker.Lets talk about me." I informed him that he was pushing me and I didnt like that. Then he told me he loved me and I was like woah!!! Then he started unloading about how he hated his job.
Just to be nice I scheduled the signing and coffee for the following Friday. The day came and I texted him to see if we were still on. Nothing. He lost interest and found a new obsession. I was like whatever.
Then he started sending me facebook message after facebook message telling me I broke my promise and never gave him the date. I ignored him for about a week until finally I answered him. I told him he stood me up and to please get the facts straight. He started making excuses and then said he wouldnt stand me up and wanted to get to know the real me. I told him he had his shot and it was over. Then the dialogue went as follows:
Nut Job:that's it. I'm throwing away this book.
Me: You stood me up, just remember that.
Nut Job: I did not. I could not go. I am pissed.
Me: You did not tell me that you could not go.
Nut Job: That's it. I want my date or I am burning this book. GRRRRR!!!!
Me: Ok Totally not playing into his manipulation
Nut Job: God I am totally crazy
Me: Yes you are
Nut Job: I am not even trying to sleep with you. I just want to get to know you. I heard you were crazy but I think I am even crazier.
Me: Whatever
Nut Job: Date this Friday.
Me: No, I am busy. It is true. My work schedule is full.
Nut Job: I finally quit my job. I fucking hated it. We can just chill. Wow, so you were looking for a meal ticket and now you might be securing one. The plot thickens.
Me: Why are you telling me this. I dont care.
Nut Job: I am saying I can hang out anytime.
Me: Well I can't. Congrats on not having a life by the way.
Nut Job: I do have a life. I am raising money for my theatre company.
Me: You stood me up. I dont give second chances to people who stand me up.
Nut Job: Are you mad at me? Are we fighting?
Me: I dont care enough to be mad or to fight.
Nut Job:It wasnt clearly definite and I won't stand you up this time.
Me: I dont have time for you right now. I have a full work schedule and I might nor might not be dealing with a stalker.
Nut Job: Can I have my money back then?
Me: No, you can't have your money back. You stood me up.
Nut Job: You never liked me. How could you do this to a person with low self-esteem trying to assert themselves? I feel like this was all a set up.
Me: Please get professional help.
Nut Job: I do get professional help.
Me: Well you need more of it. Dont get the stage persona mixed up with who I am in real life.
Nut Job: I know who you are. You're a sweet girl. I see the stage persona v the real you. Meanwhile you started sending me weird messages long before we ever spoke in person because you were such a fan.
Me: No, you are just a fan falling in love with someone who exists in your mind.
Nut Job: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Yes
Nut Job: NO! I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU. WE HAVE MUTUAL FRIENDS.
Me: That doesnt mean you know me.
Nut Job: I dont see you as a performer or as a fan. I am a producer/actor. I see you as a colleague. But you identified yourself as a fan when you began writing me. And I have seen your work and know your friends. While they admire me a great deal too, much like you they are hardly on my level.
Me: You are still a fan boy
Nut Job: Nope
Me: Even if you are a colleague as you say I still don't know you. Just trying to calm him down. He could have a weapon.
Nut Job: I just wanted to hang out and you disappointed.I am not a fan.
Me: No, you stood me up.
Nut Job: I think you are treating me as a fan. Hell I dont even remember what happened that day. I think I texted you. I only bought your book so I could be a supportive artist.
Me: No you didnt text me. But if you bought my book just to be a supportive artist thank you.
Nut Job: I do want to get to know you. You performed at my comedy show.
Me: I perform at a lot of comedy shows.
Nut Job: I see you as a colleague. I really want to get to know you. I asked friend how you are as a person. First off,you are hardly a colleague. You operate a theatre company where maybe three people attend your shows.Second, I dont care.
Me: Your first sentence wasnt even coherent. And if I blurred boundaries I am sorry.
Nut Job: I asked a friend how you are as a person.Yes.
Me: Fine
Nut Job: I asked other comedians how you are as a person because I am intimidated by your good looks and charm. Can we start to know each other now.
Me: I think I know enough already.
Nut Job: So you dont want to know more. I think you are blurring your stage persona with the real you. I know I am sane because I am crazy.
Me: Please talk to your therapist.
Nut Job: LOL You're not getting it I'm done.
Me: No, you're not getting it.
Nut Job: Good luck
Me: Hitting block button.
Oh well, I hope he gets some help. I never lied to him. And for the record he is not a colleague. He sort of not really has a theatre company. And I posted I was going to be in Lyndhurst when he just popped up. I have a feeling he may have been the fan calling me and harasing me.I dont have proof but I wouldnt be surprised. WOW.
Love April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.buybooksontheweb.com
877-Buy-Book

Poppyseeds of the Week

Leah Mary Ann

The first is Leah Mary Ann. This Welsh woman is currently in Uni at Trinity St. David in Wales. Fluent in Welsh as well as English, she has been giving me Welsh lessons. While Welsh seems like a handful to see written, spoken and sung it is very beautiful. Miss Leah can sing very beautifully in Welsh. I asked this poppyseed to type me a phrase in Welsh and she typed,  “Rydych yn ysbrydoliaeth i nifer fawr o bobl.” I asked her what that meant thinking it was something random. Instead she typed, “You are an inspiration to a great many people.” Leah has vocalized that she would visit me if she weren’t poor and had the funds and she is always welcome in my house. Future goals for this poppyseed include becoming a primary school teacher, the perfect job for a gentle yet profound soul who wants to change the world.

Miss Leah Mary Ann, personifying poppyseed awesomeness. Fun, smart, beautiful and ready to change the world

Brandao Peixe

This next poppyseed is a Steel Town boy, one from my hometown of Pittsburgh. A Steeler fan and fellow Pennsylvanian, he has been singing my praises and carrying my message in my absence now that I am in the Big Apple. Not to mention he is for me meeting a nice guy and giving up Dead Beat Daddy’s for New Years. When posed the question of why he should be poppyseed of the week he said:

“I should be poppyseed of the week because I only work 3 days this week. Being poppyseed of the week would make it so much better, and of course, I would rightfully sing your praises all throughout Pittsburgh. AND I would send prayers your way so that you don't date any more dead beat daddies!!”

Reppin the black and yellow, black and yellow!

Honorable mentions go to the following poppyseeds

Pearse Colomb, “I should be poppyseed of the week because I have a low sperm count.” While this reply was not as in depth as the winners it was worthy of a chuckle and showed not only fan but friend love

Fabricio Nunez who mentioned he was addicted to poppyseeds and he was “amazin obvi.” Again, worthy of a chuckle.

Jessie Conley for being an old friend that reached out from my old job at my home town supermarket. When asked who should be poppyseed of the week she said, “ME!!!!”

Tracy Colman who confessed she did not want to be poppyseed of the week and had originally not been a fan. However now I had won her over and she said that I “rocked.” Always wonderful to meet a true believer in the House of the Superfoxxx.