Ex's and Oh's (Elle King)

Lately I have been having a lot of conversations about relationships. Both of my housemates are straight men. One is divorced and has two sons, ages 18 and 20 respectively. The other is exactly one day older than me, born the same year. He is single but met a girl on instagram that sparked his fancy that lives in Austin. Living with two dudes has made me get more of a sense of humor about love, but made me realize yes, dudes do have feelings.

My divorced housemate whom I will call Don was married for 20 years. As he explained his wife used sex as a weapon. Eventually the sex disappeared and when it happened it was 3 minutes of pleasure that didn't make up for nearly 23 hours of pain that followed. As Don explains, he loves being a parent. He loves his sons. But as for getting married again, NEVER! He will have another kid, yes. But never another wife. Maybe she can live elsewhere Don surmises.

The other day Don and I were talking and the conversation turned to open relationships. Personally I think they are the wave of the future. Don brought up people have feelings and from a disease standpoint monogamy is safer. Plus if you can find a person who is a friend, has things in common, and the sex is great because both people are that committed you found your match. I asked if such a thing existed. Don said it must. But then we both agreed if we had the answers we would both have not been dateless on a Friday night.

My other housemate Al, like Don, is a painter. Al as I explained is enamored with a girl who lives in Austin that she met on instagram. The last girl Al dated was another painter he met in the gallery world. Yes, she was crazy. All female painters are crazy. Al found that one out the hard way. The girl on instagram is a writer. Al has faith she might not be as crazy as the painter. Truth: Female writers are cat shit crazy. I reminded him of Anne Sexton and her oven trove of adventures. Yes, I am making a tasteless joke. However, he surmised that while this was true at least it would not be painting discussions all the time which drove him over the edge.

Don suggested it was important Al met said lady in person. "She could be a real beast." Don advised. Then he told two stories. One was of a date he went on with a beautiful girl who turned out to be absolutely crazy and nearly killed him. The other was when he was fixed up with a troll looking chick who was the salt of the Earth but all these gorgeous girls were throwing themselves at him. But the troll had money. Don let the troll down easy. He wasn't into it. But the pretty girl had nearly killed him. The question is, can one ever win?

Of course than Don mentioned his ex wife was cute but not as pretty as he was into, and she was crazier than all the rest in the end. Yet she lured him in with gifts and such. Years later she tells her sons she chased their father and wonders what the hell she was thinking. He wonders what he was thinking taking the gifts. Love is a narcotic. When you are on it you are out of your damn mind, screw over those you really care about, and turn into a complete dick. Afterwards, you are forced to pick up the pieces.

My mom always said God doesn't give you everything. I still recall a Match.com date I went on where the guy walked in and was better looking than his picture. All these years I was lusting after Ashley Wilkes when I could have had Rhett Butler. The date went well for the first five minutes until he revealed his plans to overthrow the government. Then he mentioned all the other presidents were in a conspiracy. Ronald Reagan was the only one not aligned with this conspiracy because he didnt need to use a teleprompter let alone cue cards. In the words of Chris Rock, "When God puts it in a pretty package it's just to fuck with you."

And then there was the dude I met on Match who was my Ashley Wilkes. First date we hit it off and the dork squad texted into the night. Second date it was like who is the  wimp across from me. Third date I tried to give him a pep talk and made him cry. Am I mean or was he just nuts? Hell if I know.
In my chats with my housemates my last ex comes up quite a bit because he is recent. Don reminded me once that not anyone is all bad, and he even found some good qualities in his ex wife still. He reminds me there was a reason I liked my last ex who I will call Sam. Yeah, Sam and I ended because Sam was deceitful and lied about something huge. Maybe it was because he was in denial. Maybe it was to protect me. Or maybe it was because he just lies like all men do? Who knows.

But the truth was, Sam was generous to a fault. He would bend over backwards for his friends. At a rough time in my life, Sam was selfless with his efforts in order to get me back on my feet. When I was forced to replace 80 percent of what I owned, Sam showed up at my door with a bed and dressers. He brought me a purse and brought me food when I was too weak to move. Sam was patient when I had my breakdowns as my hair was falling out. He let me have my moments. Yeah, Sam had some good qualities.

In the end my last relationship was like a curiously built European car. No one could understand it. When it ran it ran beautifully. However, when it broke down it exploded like nothing I had ever seen and there was no fixing it. No way no how. Yes, it ended badly. All my relationships do. To date me is to hate me. I'll admit I am a jealous control freak who wants what she wants and she wants it now. My ambition always comes first and my lovers suffer. Plus Sam and I saw life two very different ways in the end. He was ready to settle down, I wasn't. If things didn't end when they did, Sam would have had issues with me going to Vegas like I do. He most certainly didnt want me going to Europe.
In reality, we were people who started out as friends that should have stayed friends. He hates my guts now. I have no feelings on him either way. You see, I don't like how he lied to me, but wish him the best as a person. He has some things to figure out. We all do. And maybe Sam would have been more honest with me if I was at a better place in my life. I don't know. It's over and we probably will never be friends again. Actually, I can say that with accurate certainty. But it's fine. All is fair in love and war.

The truth is, this was my first big foray into being monogamous and I think I did a good job. I hadnt been faithful to a partner since my former fiance. Sam and I operated as a unit to the point where it was scary. I had plenty of chances to cheat but didn't. Through the grapevine I heard Sam was planning on getting some side action with a would be actress/waitress and an old girlfriend from South Jersey where he was from.

The revelation didn't upset me when I found out long after our relationship ended. Because truth being, I was being lured in by an old comedian friend and another dude I had something with once upon a time. Not to mention the nephew of a prominent New York City judge was beginning to pique my interest. While I didn't bite, the offers were on the table and things got harder and harder to resist.
Maybe both of us wouldn't have been exploding out of our skins if we just agreed on having an open relationship. Yes, I would have a date night with another dude and Sam would have a date night with another woman. Sam was more blue collar and was a genius with sheet rock. It was dead sexy, but ultimately when I said the names Thomas Paine and Albert Camus his eyes went bored. I still remember chatting with a vegan history professor about them and being oh so turned on. Then Sam walked in and I felt guilty. If I could have did the business with the professor and came home to Sam all would have worked out well.

Sam had throngs of women throwing themselves at him. He was funny and good with his hands not to mention kind hearted. They drooled over the flexing of his muscles in a primal way that I never could muster let alone understand. My need for intellectual stimulation frightened Sam because it meant I didnt always need him, and I know he needed a break from the history references and the talk of an ambitious, driven woman. What Sam wanted was someone to cook for him and worship him. I don't do those things to men. If he could have had a date night with one of them on the same night I had my date night, it could have eliminated a lot. Plus I think we could have been happier.

It was a relationship where he knew he couldn't give me certain things and vice versa. Had we opened it up, I think maybe, just maybe, everyone could have gotten their needs met. Because we didn't open it up, what happened was resentment built that is eternal and lasting on both ends. I think had we opened it up and if we decided we didn't work, we could have remained friends. However, he viciously hates my guts and that's fine. His friends and family distain me as well. Wouldnt expect anything less, it's the way these things always shake out. 

I did suggest opening it up at one point because I could feel Sam's unhappiness growing with me. Instead of being on board he accused me of wanting to cheat. And then he went on a jealous rant about feelings and heart and blah, blah, blah. At the beginning he wanted monogamy and made me promise that, but towards the end I think he secretly regretted it. This outdated social norm was the rope that was hanging us both cold and dead.

Maybe that's why I got as jealous as I did at times. It wasn't because he was a bad guy who didn't care about me. It wasnt even that he didn't love me, he would have given me the world. I think I knew deep down we both had an itch we needed to scratch and unmet needs on both ends. It wasn't so much about what he was doing, it was because I was so aware of mine that I became painfully attuned to his.

In a way it was a blessing things ended the way they did and when they did. We hurt each other at times, and a lot. It wasn't because we were bad people, it was because we knew we couldn't give each other everything and we wanted to so badly to where it was just plain painful to watch.  I know I would have been the first to cheat and felt the urge but I didn't want to lose Sam. Had things been open we wouldn't have had that issue though. Because my partner wouldn't give me that option, I would have been christened the bad girl lacking morals and would have had a crown of thorns placed on my head. It's not that Sam wanted to oppress me, his upbringing and the world he was from couldnt fathom that option.  In reality, I wasn't bad or evil. I was a person simply bowing to the basest of human instincts like we all do at times.

Whether you want to cheat or not, monogamy is like Vietnam, the memory messes with a person's mind. After my relationship ended, and even though Sam does not want me back and vice versa, I felt my first date with another dude I was cheating. He took me to a nicer place than Sam could ever afford and brought me flowers, but it felt as if Sam was watching me the entire time.  I wasn't doing anything wrong. But society has brainwashed people so badly to make them a slave to the paradigm that the second you question it or break away, you are akin to a slave on the Underground Railroad running to your freedom. I have seen said gentlemen twice since then and both times have been lovely. And I want to see him again.

Then I did scratch the itch with the judge's nephew who has spent a ton of money on me and took me to places Sam would never step in let alone dream of as he joked about being a trust fund brat. We ate lobster, talked Camus and Thomas Paine, and even laughed about literature.  But the judge's nephew has a long time lady friend who he is with but not really. They sleep in two different rooms and it's complicated. He does what he does and she does what she does, not questions asked. I don't want serious and neither does he. People would say he's cheating and I'm the other woman. But we aren't hurting anyone and I am having fun. And I want to see him again, too.

In Coming of Age in Samoa, Margaret Mead surmised someone should have three partners in their life. Each should be for 7 years, and at the end of that term you should decide if you want to renew or not. And if you do renew for another term, don't renew for another 7. Essentially a romantic partner is like an apartment. There are people who have decried Ms. Mead and said she is full of baloney. Yet in this world 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. It's not always because both people don't love each other and that they are bad. People grow, people change, people get bored, people evolve. Relationships also run their course, and we must realize this without the malice typically involved in a split.

I still remember being in high school, working as a lifeguard and regularly being propositioned by married men. They all agreed they loved their wives but that they were bored. Yes, bored. They all said she was a good woman and a good mother but they craved that new adventure and then would tuck it away to go back home. And even those that were too pure to proposition me admitted to looking at porn. One got in big trouble because his wife found his search engine history. It wasn't that he didn't love her. The man had needs. It's not that she wasn't enough.......it was complicated.

It's all complicated. People cheat for a myriad of reasons and the person they cheat with isn't always a Playboy/Play Girl model type. Heck, I have been cheated on a bunch of times. My former fiance cheated on me with a former girlfriend I will call Busty. She was a bigger girl, which made me do a double take when I found out she was the side piece. But Busty was attractive not to mention a semi-celebrity on the roller derby circuit. When I bitched about it, people cited she could have had a better personality. Maybe she did, I never met her so I can't comment on her either way. However my ex cheated with her so I didn't care for her therefore she was  a bitch by default at the time. But then others saw her picture and exclaimed, "She's fat and ugly! What was he thinking!" He was thinking he had needs that needed to be met and I wasn't the woman to do it.

Isaac regularly dated other women as he dated me, but got upset when I did the same with guys. The much older Playboy with the Park Avenue apartment was once out with this frumpy would be writer who sometimes contributed to some feminist blog that no one besides feminists care about. She was cute, but not pretty. The lady looked like she had never seen a tube of lipstick. I remember she was pleasant enough. Isaac tried to pretend he was parading her around to make me jealous and it kind of worked.......but then I started talking to her, liked her, and came to the conclusion Isaac was the idiot not her. Still, she was closer to his age and I wasn't. She understood how to have a good time and let go whereas I was a clingy kid. We all have our strengths I suppose.

And of course there was Paul who was on the run and working as a male stripper and rent boy. While living California, he called me from the home of his "sugar mama" to tell me he still loved me. I saw a picture of his sugar mama and she was easily 200 pounds. Not only was she bank rolling him and his coke habit, but she had three kids. Yeah, it was shitty and he was using her. But she wanted to be used. At the same time, although I was easily better looking I hated her guts because I loved Paul so much even though he was a terrible mistake. But feelings are not facts, they just are. In the end she found out Paul was calling me and had a shit fit. But he needed funds in addition to emotional support. As I said, one person cannot give us everything......

While Sam never cheated, as I mentioned he was getting ready to. The actress/waitress he was going back and fourth with on facebook that I will call Pasha adored him to no end and seemed to need him. Sam was the type who needed to be needed. I wouldn't say she was pretty or ugly, but she was distinct looking. I saw some of her youtube videos and she is a good actress, and she could be great someday. Ultimately, she decided to forgo Sam for a homeless, married man because the poor thing is more invested in good decision making than I am. I met her once and did like her. I hope she's okay. The other girl he wanted to get it on with was a girl named Jennika who had 3 kids and had her ex desert her. While she wasn't unpretty, she wasn't above a 6. She also wasn't the achiever I am. Yet at the same time she was probably a better cook than I was and like Pasha, needed a man whereas I don't.  Sam needed to feel important and valued and I wasn't giving that to him, and maybe it was because I didn't know how. Freak if I know......

When each of my relationships ended in disaster they were truly over. I can honestly say while I am no angel, there was no ultimate bad guy on either end either. In each case, we were all people who had a journey together and that journey was ultimately over. We had run our course. The lease to this schlepp truck was not being renewed. We were all relieved.

This is where relationships become like free therapy sans the Freud couch. We all claim that they are the bad guy when we seldom look at our role in things. But we want to point the finger because as I said, relationships are akin to therapy, and we learn truths about ourselves we don't want to learn. Maybe that's why break ups are hard. We don't adore them, they weren't so great. It's because we beat ourselves up for being such pathetic doormats who forgo what we really believe in because we sell out to the social norm that it is better to have a partner who pisses you off than to be alone and happy. Or we realize how much we gave of ourselves when really we couldn't give them everything and were pissed we tried in the first place.

Then there is always the bullshit promise we will do things different next time but we never do. I'll admit I will always be the same jealous, self-centered hot mess with trust issues. My puppets and my career will always come before any man. I don't cook, clean, or do laundry and never will. I am iffy about wanting a family and marriage is eh. That being said, at least I'm honest which is more than can be said for any man I have ever been with let alone most people out there. I do some things right and need to give myself credit somewhere.

Do open relationships work and can they? I have 2 friends a witch and magister in the Church of Satan respectively. Their relationship is open, and it is more honest and healthy than anything I have ever seen. Each has a date night and then they compare notes. At times I don't understand it because it is like nothing I have ever seen. But they are truthful in a way no couple I have ever met is, and not to mention their ethics are amazing when it comes to the rest of the world. They come to the aid of those who are bullied constantly. Not to mention they are good friends with their other sexual partners and at the same time love each other unconditionally. While there are those who judge the witch and the magister, maybe they have stumbled upon utopia in the way the rest of the world hasn't.

On the other hand, I had another friend do an open relationship with a vampire dungeon mistress as the man on the side. She fell in love with him and her husband got jealous. In the end, he used her lifestyle against her in order to get full custody of their kids when he had been game for an open relationship before all this went down. Then my buddy married her and she picked up a female side piece with mental and emotional issues who later fell in love with my pal's wife. In the end, she tried to kill my pal and his wife and was led away in a straight jacket. That time it didn't work.

Maybe it was because they didn't have boundaries or people developed feelings. But I also think it was because people wanted control. Long after the fact I found out my bud's wife was jealous of me because she thought he wanted me  because he called me talking for hours about the depth of their relationship. Meanwhile she had no reason to be jealous. She had a date night with someone else. So again, maybe they needed to figure some things out.

But then there was the dude when I was 22 who lied and said he was in an open relationship. I didnt know this until his wife called me to scream. Alas, they should have had an open, honest discussion. Nonetheless, I do believe open relationships are the wave of the future.

My mom disagrees. She says, "Women will continue to be jealous. Men will continue to be possessive. People will continue to die."

Who knows? I wish I had the answer. If I did I wouldn't be writing this blog. I know one thing for sure though. Hell will be a round table support group with each of my ex boyfriends exchanging notes and me walking in on the meeting. Eh, what can you do, right?

One Love (Whodini)

There is a lot of talk about whether or not a person can be faithful to one. You see some people married for 65 plus years, like my Nunni and Pop Pop were before they both passed. Heck they were so intertwined they passed within months of each other. On the other hand, there are some people who can’t seem to stay loyal to one partner. It’s blamed on a character flaw by some. Others call them sex addicts. I don’t know. Or then sometimes people cheat, but then they are cheated on. Disney tells us the Prince and the Princess live happily ever after. Really though, it’s more complicated.

When I was younger, I was pretty much wired like a woman when it came to relationships. There were committed couples around me. My parents have been married 40 plus years, and my aunts and uncles are all going strong. I had the understanding love wasn’t always perfect but you tried your best. We are crazy in my family in other ways, but we don’t divorce. Instead we test the law of science by getting struck by lighting and working as lab test subjects. Oh, and we also test the legal system, both as counsel and defendant. But no divorce here. In a relationship you were in it to win it, end of story.

In high school, I remember it was the first time I realized things could get a tad complicated. Enter Bobby Parker. I was what was termed as a good girl. As in, National Honor Society plus a zillion other resume builders, career oriented and solely volunteer plus a part time minimum wage paying job at the supermarket. Bobby on the other hand was a pot head who was slowly making his way to other drugs. We had always been friends, and I found him bright and easy to talk to.

Well Bobby had a girlfriend three towns over who had a rep for being easy. The dudes said she could “chug it like a champ.” Bobby would give me rides home from school more often than not, and would fight anyone who said anything bad about me. His friends gave him smack for talking to me, but he kept on doing it. Bobby’s girlfriend found out about me through a jealous friend in that druggie circle. Although we never met, word on the street was she wasn’t happy with me. Yeah, I liked Bobby and Bobby liked me. But she was still his girlfriend. Basically, he got his intellectual/emotional fix from talking to me and his physical fix by having trashy (probably unprotected) teen sex in the back seat of his Caddy. Years later, he has kicked drugs and is married. He barely keeps in contact, and I understand and appreciate the boundary. Maybe these days he is getting all his needs fulfilled. But he had a physical relationship with one of us and an emotional relationship with the other. So yeah, love can be complicated.

That summer, I worked as a lifeguard and saw married man after married man try to proposition me to the steam room like I was some cheap trick. It never worked. Some of it was dignity, but then there was the fact my mother was my boss, too. They all confessed they loved their wives but were bored. It’s nature. Men are physical creatures where as women are emotional creatures. Hell, there is even adultery in nature. It served a purpose in continuing the species in time of famine. The men of the species would copulate with every woman in the little nest or whatnot. And then when the babies were born, the men would all guard them. That’s the nature explanation. My mom says it’s because some men are assholes who go crazy when they get out of their cage. Who knows?

That’s why The Seven Year Itch was such a hit. Idiot’s wife goes away with kid. Idiot plays for a few days with the hot neighbor. Idiot goes back to join the wifey. Happily ever after…..kindof.

When I got to college, I wanted a boyfriend because I never had one. Most of the guys just wanted to lose their virginity if they hadn’t already. Guys peak sexually at 18-22. So it was of course going to happen, the horn dog. I dated a little my first year. Every time I had a boyfriend type, he would turn out to be a horn dog and just cheat. It was amazing how these guys could just cheat without thinking about it. Yeah, I had been the other woman in the Bobby Parker teen triangle. It fucked with my head I will admit. But I knew he was somebody else’s guy. Sure, the married dudes approached me for hand jobs in the steam room. I didn’t give them. They were married. It seemed no one had a moral compass but myself.

I finally started dating one dude I really liked. He was a bit older than I was. A trust fund kid, he had an awesome apartment with a bachelor bar. We hit it off, and he wanted all the benefits and then some change of being Mr. April Brucker without the title. It hurt. But he explained he was quite a bit older, and knew I would change my mind. I tried dating dudes my age, but never connected with them the way I connected with Prince Semi-Charming. When Prince Semi-Charming would find out, he would throw a hissy fit. Yet it was alright for him to see other women. Once I even decided to put an end to the madness and asked, “Would it be alright if I called you my boyfriend? I am here an awful lot.”

Prince Semi-Charming replied, “April, that is a great way to scare a guy off.” Months later, in a drunken fit, I told him how I felt before throwing up on his carpet. He rejected me. That was the end of the end. I was done. However, Prince Semi-Charming was only beginning. As soon as I met my fiancé he stepped up his game and tried harder than ever to win me back. Once, he made a joke about a ventriloquist giving him a blow job, and my fiancé nearly killed him right then and there. Of course the madness with the fiancé ended, and Prince Semi-Charming rode back into the picture calling me night and day. Nevermind he had a girlfriend that would eventually become his wife. I was done, completely done. He even sent me an inappropriate message his wedding day. No wonder his wife hates me.

These days, he sees me every once in a while. For the most part, we actually get along better now that we aren’t so entwined in our codependent cycle. But as I said his wife hates me. Every once in a while, when I see him, he will bring up the fact that we dated, typically in front of a group of people who don’t know that we did. Usually he does this when I am in an up mood or there is a joke about a relationship someone tells. Part of me thinks he might not be happy with his wife, who is a bit of a battle axe. The other part of me thinks he’s goofy. Then there is a part of me that thinks yeah, he’s happy. But he still has feelings for me. He loves us both. His wife hates the site of me, but he loves us both. For the record, I don’t seek him out and we havent spoken in almost a year and a half. Probably for the best.

Of course, the break up with the fiancé was messy as I have described. During the relationship there was a lot of jealous, destructive behavior on both ends. I flipped out at an ex of his he was intriguing with, and wasn’t proud. Of course, I began to suspect he was sleeping with a stripper ex who a decent amount of money in the lotto. It pissed me off because I had been loyal. Things ended like an explosion in a nuclear waste plant. He began sleeping with another ex of his who was working as a hair dresser of some sort. She was developing a serious heroin problem, and slowly was getting worse and worse as were her decisions. Hence her letting my ex in her life. In addition to her heroin habit draining her wallet, she was also paying my ex’s bills.

I still remember finding this out when my ex messaged me in order to get me back. Yeah, he had cheated. I had been awful. It was a terrible relationship but we loved each other. I confronted him about sleeping with the druggie hair dresser. To which my ex replied, “Yeah, but I don’t want her back. After being with you, I can’t go back to something that ugly for real.”

Now this is where it gets crazy. When I wouldn’t take him back he flipped out. I got the different mailing address. Yet this hair dresser chick would send me nasty emails and say terrible things about me. Bitch, do you know what your man is saying about you? Do you know he called you ugly? And doesn’t it feel a little weird and pathetic to have a dude fucking you, yet he is stalking his ex night and day? Only a tad dysfunctional, don’t you think? Of course, I can’t say I was any better. I tried dating and would purge my guts on my dates scaring any potential, decent boyfriends off. But hey, the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. There was no way either of us was going to be loyal to anyone when we were still spending all of our energy sparring with each other.

Leaving that relationship felt like getting released from jail. That is when I decided to have fun. I partied in any day that ended in a “y.” I dated several trust fund playboy types living off family money. Others were ex-cons, recently released from jail and hadn’t had a lady in a while and were willing to just give me a whirl. Dates were fun, care free, and dirty jokes and booze flowed like water. I was having so much fun part of me never wanted a boyfriend again. I suddenly began to understand why people wanted open relationships, to swing, and every other kind of committed or not lifestyle. Suddenly I began to wonder if monogamy ever worked, or people just forced themselves into it because it was what they were supposed to do.

Then there were those who wanted more, and I told them they couldn’t give it. I always ended up hurting them. Once, two dudes got into a fight over me because one said he was okay with fun and then wasn’t when he saw me with someone else. Sure, I felt like a sadist. Yet I wasn’t the liar. He was. He said he was okay with fun. However, maybe he was until he suddenly morphed into a human. Maybe we all are until we morph into humans. I don’t know.

During that period in my life, before things got too crazy, I ended up at a swinger’s party by accident. I just knew it was a couples get together in the erotic fashion, and it was a chance to perform ventriloquism and get paid. As the evening went on, I found out it was a swingers event. Several women in the room gave their husband’s permission to sleep with me as long as we didn’t get attached. It sounded like an awesome idea actually. That is, until the surprise orgy erupted. Clothes came off, and these were some ugly bodies. Yes, clothes were designed for these people-especially these people. I tried to leave but they kept sucking me back into the orgy, forcibly pulling my hands. Was this what hell was like? Being sucked into an orgy of ugly people? I did not know. Either way, I determined perhaps not only the swinger lifestyle was not for me but maybe, just maybe, things were getting a tad too crazy.

So I tried to do the whole boyfriend thing again. At first it was nice. Having a guy around was nice. We had nice dinners. We had nice times. He was nice when he met my mom. Nice. Yet, underneath I didn’t feel right in the relationship. I tried my hardest to be a good girlfriend, but always failed. Either I would just end up fighting with him, or wouldn’t pick up the phone when he called because I just couldn’t. Soon, I began to look elsewhere to satisfy myself. Yes, I turned into a cheater. That thing I had hated in college. The loyal, moral compass was gone. I couldn’t help myself, and I cheated constantly. The relationship ended, and it felt like a relief. Finally, I didn’t have to be inauthentic anymore, and once again I could leave jail. I wish I understood why I behaved the way I did, and I still feel like a bad person. I avoid him when I can, which is often. Still, I came to the conclusion maybe I am not wired to be monogamous. And maybe this is why some people cheat. It’s not about being a dirt bag. It’s about nature being a bitch, and us getting hang ups about it.

Of course, I have also looked into the whole open relationship thing since then. It is semi-commonplace in the gay world, and they manage to make it work. Other friends of mine, where one partner is bi, also have this arrangement. I have one friend couple that it works very well in. The husband is a priest in the Church of Satan, and his wife is a practicing member. They sleep with their “side pieces” and respect the primary partner. In a strange way, their union is more honest and pure than many of my married friends-gay and straight. They know who is hooking up with who. It took me a while to wind my head around the fact that there was no jealousy, only understanding in their arrangement. Yet every once in a while, a third party does come in who tries to ruin things between them. Their bond prevails, but it’s a wonder neither has been shot.

I have also seen an open relationship erupt into flames. Once a guy I know was in a polyamorous arrangement with a dungeon mistress and her husband. He fell in love with the dungeon mistress, and her husband nearly killed him in a jealous rage. The two left her house, and moved in together. That is when they brought in a third girl working as a stripper. The dungeon mistress and the stripper got a relationship going, and then kicked out my boy. Needless to say he turned into a jealous stalker type. Too much drama.

Of course sometimes it is more open on one end than it is the other. Once, a married dude assured me he had an open relationship. We hung out and had fun. I wanted to see him again, that is, until I got a call from his wife biting my head off. She told me she wanted to shoot me. I told her that her husband said they had an open relationship. She informed me again she would shoot me if she ever saw me. Needless to say, I don’t think she got the memo about their arrangement. So much for that.

Yet also, I think sometimes people might be jungle cats in one part of their life, but be loyal in another. One is my friend Nishu, who was such a playboy back in the day. He only dated fetish models until he met his lady Jill. Not only has he been a good boyfriend, but he has been loyal and giving to the point where it is amazing. My brother Wendell’s friend Biff from college had a bedroom door that was basically revolving until he met his wife Lydia. Not only is he a loyal husband, but they just had their first child and he is all about being a dad. Even my fellow jungle kitten friend Nina is talking about getting serious with the new man she is with. No, she is not sleeping with throngs of men like she used to in the old days. Note, maybe all couldn’t commit to a relationship, but they were loving family members and awesome friends. So maybe it there, they just had to find the right person if you will.

Still, what constitutes cheating? Is a husband looking at porn after being a good guy and father grounds for divorce? If a guy needs to go to a strip club the night of his bachelor party, is he truly not ready to be married? If things get emotional and deep with a male/female friendship to the point where there is an attraction that isnt acted on, is that cheating as well? Again, this is when it all gets complicated.

Once I was discussing how open relationships might be the wave of the future with my mom and sister Skipper. Of course, Skipper was starting to get serious with Boomer and this was the last thing she wanted to hear. My mom stopped me. She said, “That will never work. Women will be jealous, men will continue to be possessive. People will continue to die.”

Sigh.

Monogamy or polyamory? What is the answer. Jury is still out. 

What Is Love (Howard Jones)

I had a deep conversation with a fellow comedian online last night. This dude has had a hell of a year. I would tell you but it means putting his personal business out for the world to see and he is not in a place where that would be good let alone helpful for him. Anyway, we were discussing relationships and such via facebook chat where all good things happen. And then the subject of love came up.

I don’t believe in love. I don’t think it is possible. I think that humans should just be polyamorous creatures. It’s hard to be loyal so why should we do it? Love always fades in the end. People always disappoint us. Sex cheapens everything. Just have open relationships and then the cheating factor is out the window.

The dude surprised me by saying he felt like he needed to watch a Disney Movie after hanging out with me. He said that if it weren’t for love life wouldn’t be worth it. Either this was a line to totally bait me, or he is that much of a sucker. I teased him and told him to stop acting like such a damn woman. I couldn’t tell what he was going for, Emo or Shakespeare. Either way, it made me think. Maybe I am too cynical.

I thought of the two men I almost married. The psychotic fiancé and I were so intense I thought it was love. It was really two self-centered children who got high off of drama, conflict, and loved the attention it brought them. When the ex stalked me when it ended it was about control, not the fact he still loved me. I also spoke about it Friday when I was interviewed on camera for a documentary. I thought if I gave up my ventriloquism for someone who was emotionally and physically abusive he would change. Instead it was a testament to my low self-worth, and that is what scares me the most to look at. That I played a role.

The second time he had pretty outsides like a nice job and he could have given me a nice life. I didn’t really like him. I just wanted to live happily ever after. I was happy he didn’t call me a bitch, hit me, and thrilled he had a job. He said he loved me but I never believed him. Maybe it’s because I knew I wasn’t being honest. He spent lots of money on me. I treated him like crap though. Then I found out he had a lying problem. It served me right. I was so fixated on the externals I didn’t focus on what really mattered.

For the most part these days I am happily single. I don’t even think of love. My friends in relationships all seemingly want to jump into traffic. And when they don’t whine about the fact their lover snores or whatever, they are forced to give up their dreams to be baby making machines from hell. And are they happy? I don’t know. They say they are but then they tell me how they wish they had my life. I am broke a lot of the time. I do my own home repairs. I sleep alone. As a result I follow my dreams and am starting to have an inkling of a career. That is why it pisses me off when my coupled friends and rels try to fix me up, as if I am some sad, bizarre charity case.

On the other hand, sometimes I see couples walking hand and hand. Sometimes I just want someone to hold me, tell me it is alright just like the womanizing friend in Wedding Crashers. As I get older too I wonder if I will die alone. It’s weird. Sometimes I just want someone. I want to believe love exits.

Then when I get a boyfriend I want to strangle him for being human. I want to yell at him for not being perfect. I berate him for not saying the right thing or getting my script in the mail. And then I get bored when I realize he has needs and can’t always be about me. Oh and I will end up hating his friends. And then if he snores I hate him more. Then I want to smother him with the pillow. As I look around my room and see my costumes and puppets I think I am better off with them.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

www.aprilbrucker.com

www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr 

Live Girls, Man Caves, and Other Things

When Times Square was Times Square, they used to have flashing signs that said, "Live Girls." I have seen pictures of this. During my travels as a comedian when accidentally driving through a local red light district I saw the same sign, "Live Girls." Now the sex shops have moved to Eighth Avenue. They aren't quite the same. There are lots of porn vids like straight porn, gay porn, lesbian porn, mixed race porn, and of course tranny porn. One shop advertised "Live Girls" and explained they were on the upper level.

I remember going upstairs to see these "Live Girls." What did they mean? Was this like a menu at an eatery where they explained the fish of the day was fresh catch? Were the girls just sitting in the tank waiting to be caught with a huge net? And what did you do when you caught your lady? Did you bring her home and keep her in a cage? I know it sounds crazy but some people are into that. Or was it more or less you had to bait the line? I didn't see any fly fishers. I didn't know. Well I saw just these three women sitting upstairs chilling out. They were scantily clad and kind of on the saggy side. Their best days had passed them up and now they were receiving their paycheck in slimy quarters. The one even had cottage cheese cellulite. I was alarmed. Where were the fishing nets? No one had caught them yet. Or maybe they had been here since the eighties and people forgot about them. One asked me if I was lost. I just turned around and left. Maybe I should have come back with my hooks and nets to capture them. Then I could have told people, yes, they were swimming in a tank. Mermaids exist.

Another time for kicks a comedian friend of mine and I went to a peep show. We were both young and stupid with fifty cents and too much time. They still have them on Eighth Avenue. When we got in the booth it was some scantily clad woman being fucked by a horse. Was this a homage to Catherine the Great? Either way my buddy and I couldnt stop laughing. Was this for real? Man, some people were desperate. If your luck got that bad there was always craigslist. But she was a farm girl. Maybe she didn't have such a thing. We were promptly thrown out of the store because we couldn't contain our laughter. Afterwards we nicknamed the girl Stable Mable. I ended up talking to someone afterwards and they told me it turns some people on. Who? Do they wear a straight jacket?

What amazes me is how men and women are wired so differently. I was at a penthouse party once and ended up chatting with some folks in this dude's man cave. He had a pretty extensive Playboy collection dating back to the 1970s when the chicks had generous bushes. Yes, rose bushes. He was showing his guy friends some of the prints and I was like, whatever. Anyway, on his wall was a naked photo of a woman lying in a meadow. It was what is referred to as a tasteful nude. Yes, she was just lying in the meadow casually naked chilling out. She was just there waiting for a guy. She was happy as could be, just naked. The guys at the party wanted to know who did the shot cause the girl was "hot." The thing that went through my mind was that she was naked. Was it warm where she was? What if she had misinterpreted the temperature because it was sunny and was freezing her ass off, literally? Or worse yet. She was in the grass. What if it was muggy and mosquitos were biting her where the sun didn't shine? That would be an embarrassing visit to the doctor. Or worse yet. What if she got Poison Oak on her unmentionable regions? Explain that one to your gyno. These things must be thought of when one lies naked in a meadow. Just saying ladies.

To me it is always crazy what happens when men and women meet. Guys are always thinking, "She is hot. I wonder if she is a freak. Let me lean in and pretend I care about her hard day at work to find out."

Women on the other hand are thinking, "He has a good job and a promising career. In a month we will be exclusive, in six months committed, in a year I will have a ring. Two years I will be married. Oh wait until he meets my mom! She'll love him."

Bottom line, whoever thought of this was a little evil. Just saying.

What gets me about guys is they are so fascinated with lesbians. A lot of so called lesbian porn is created for straight men. It is usually two blondes with extreme penis envy. They just happened to be dressed in black lingerie and have DD boobas. Oh and of course the video cam is accidentally on and the dildo is ready. Or better yet, they are unsupervised Catholic School Girls. Oh and they want dudes to just jump in!

Truth, lesbians don't watch lesbian porn. I have had several Sapphic friends tell me this. Most of the time, if the scene were real, the book shelf /music collection would have probably Emily Dickinson or Ani DiFranco on it. One would be butch. The other would be more femmy. Maybe they would make love. Maybe they would snuggle. One or both might be aggressive vegans. Neither would have a Catholic School Girl Outfit or Black Lingerie. There might or might not be a dildo present and no camera would be on let alone present. Translated, they are together because they don't want a dude in the room. Get the picture horny men. And if you challenge them they might read you their Smith College or Sarah Lawrence Graduate Thesis on Gender and Society. What I am trying to say is that it isn't the orgy fest you think it is. Truth be told, the minute Ani DiFranco comes on I think the jig will be up. Oh fantasy.

I am convinced the male brain has three settings: sports, food, and sex. That is why football games have lots of action on the field, lots of junk food in the stands, and lots of boobas bouncing up and down in the cheerleader uniforms. Some have argued that guys are more complex. Eh, not really. Most of the time they will actually admit it which is kind of cool on their part.

What I don't understand is monogamy. I don't think it is natural. I think this is why people are unfaithful. There was once a study done that adultery started in the animal kingdom as a means to keep the species going. So to be with one partner forever is not natural. I have never thought so. Some people do it because the world tells them they have to. I don't know how I feel about that. Some people are designed for it. Some people not so much. I think these standards are unfair. That way people wouldn't be persecuted when they just wanted to stray. Most of the time it is nothing personal. Most of the time people don't love the one they stray with. They just have other needs.

I explained this to my mom. This was our exchange:

Mom: I disagree. Someone who can't stay faithful is an asshole who can't commit.

Me: That doesn't mean they are bad. I know plenty of good fathers who couldn't stay faithful.

Mom: They couldn't be that good.

Me: I just don't think monogamy is natural. Everyone should just have an open relationship.

Mom: Women will continue to be jealous. Men will continue to be possessive. People will continue to die.

Sigh. Maybe my mom has a point.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Greenpeace

PS. Book signing at Brown Bookstore Saturday May 25 from 4-6. Be there or be square