Living in Pause

The other day I was having a business convo about a project that turned into an all out text war. It began with me telling my partner Hondo that I was going to see a place we were possibly filming in. The locale is exclusive and it is a ton of money we don't have to get in. So I decided to go in through a back door way. It's not that kind of back door sickos, relax. Anyway, initially it is not what my boy wanted because he didn't want his people to pay a cover charge, but the space has been on TV numerous times. After posturing the other day at the diner, he finally gave in to this place as my backup plan.

So yesterday I went to see it. I messaged him beforehand inviting him. He said he had to work. Okay, whatever. Then he mentioned he might be able to get out to join me. At our previous meeting he stated that sometimes he believed this whole thing was becoming The April Show. I figured okay, you have stuff going on. I was just taking the lead, Hondo. Well Hondo asked what time I was going to leave and I told him soon. Then Hondo had the nerve to ask me to hold off. I am like the White Rabbit, early for everything. I hate being late. This drove me crazy.

Then my contact at the place emailed me to move the meeting. I texted Hondo. Could he come? It was later. That is when Hondo stated he could not come later, and began to tell me what to ask for. I am one of those people who doesn't like being ordered around. Needless to say, we were both in that mind frame where we both wanted to be right and we both wanted to win. Suddenly April the Business Woman went out the window and the little girl inside of me was screaming, "You're not the boss of me!" That is when we began to go at it via text. I started by disagreeing peacefully but I wanted to win and so did he. Now I was going for blood. There is some mechanism in me that likes to fight, especially with men.

Maybe it was the fact my dad and I butted heads so much growing up. It's not that it was that we were so different. We were so much alike. We are strongly opinionated and love the history channel. It was the way we bonded. But when we went at it, neither one of us would back down. Sometimes it is better to be happy than to be right, but damnit we both want to be right.Of course, my dad's whole immediate family is this way. We all joke it is best never to discuss politics at a Brucker Family Gathering. I will say though, the discussions my dad and I have are lively because we are both so impassioned, and my aunts and uncles, although we differ, are well informed.

 I think while this dynamic works for my relationship with my dad, it doesn't work a well in the dating world. So perhaps this is why I gravitate towards hyper-masculine dudes with no brain, feelings, but tempers like hell fire. Don't worry though, I can handle myself. I used to say the same thing with the former fiance. Even when things got bad, I could handle myself. At least so I thought. But now I was butting heads again and had to win. That is when the emoticons came out and all hell broke loose.

Something tells me before this all began we were both a little stressed and perhaps woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I have been working like a Mexican, and have been so tired some days I wake up feeling like the room is spinning. Hondo is soon to get married so he is running around like an African from wedding appointment to wedding appointment. Usually, he doesn't mind when I slam dudes in my weekly blog but this week he felt the need to let me know my perception of men was "skewed." Did I mention my mother sent me the "Call me when you wake up" text. I love the woman but don't send me those unless there is a death in the family. I can't have a convo especially when I am McStressed and crazy. Nonetheless, it was only 11 when this began and I was already tired, angry, and wanting blood.

 I began to end my sentences with a smiley face. When I start making my points and ending them with a smiley face it is my way of saying "Fuck you mutherfucker." And then one smiley face became two, became three, became four. Eventually I guess the fight came to a draw because Hondo did the adult thing and stopped responding. Of course this is after I accused him of having an overblown male ego and not pulling his weight. Of course I was fired up. HOW THE HELL COULD HE STOP RESPONDING WHEN I WAS ON FIRE! I hadn't even started calling, cussing, swearing, or typing in all caps yet.

That is when something in me said, "Put down the phone, April." So I decided to stop texting, shouted a shitload of profanities, and went for a walk.

I did and went for a walk. As I was fuming walking down the street I saw a friend of mine who works in a car lot. He noticed I looked like I was going to deck someone. I ended up telling him what happened. We agreed shit happened. And he told me to take some time, cool down, and talk to my buddy again. I thought about it, Hondo is like a brother to me. If something would happen to him I would be supremely upset. Not to mention if it happened before we got to talk and make up then I would be really upset. From a business stand point, Hondo had also made some good points. He has been on the other side of this. So I would bring up his concerns when I came to see the space. Not to mention if Hondo is going to be a part of this I want him to be happy. Not only is he my friend and is this a team effort, but also he will work better.

I also spoke to some other friends, one being an accomplished composer, who said that letting go of the control over one's career can be hard. Not to mention especially when you both think you're right. I started to col down significantly. I would ask about what Hondo wanted when I went to see the space. The worst that could happen was we brought our business elsewhere. Walking to see it and meet with the people went from my mission as Career Minded Woman to now a rock in my stomach. I was dizzy from being so fired up and frankly drained. Now I no longer wanted to be right, I wanted some sleep.

I went to see the space and brought up Hondo's concerns and suggestions. To my pleasant surprise, we ended up having an open, honest, and business orientated dialogue about how this all could be possible. At the end of the conversation, we spoke about us renting the smaller room and therefore our people not paying a cover. And as far as rent goes, while we don't have a final amount it is much more workable. The bar would be open and drinks would be served to our guests. While it is not final yet, this is a compromise that all could be happy with. I texted Hondo and he seemed happy. I also left him a nice message.

I also realized that while a beautiful, famous space is nice, it's not everything. It's not the end of the world if we don't get it. Hell, there are other beautiful, nice, spaces in the city. So far we have a good team. Looking at it from a wider angle, I think Hondo has some excellent points. Sometimes though, for as much as I want to win all the time it is better for everyone to be happy. Sometimes you have to take that breath, put down the damn phone, and live in pause.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Shut Up, Woman

Recently, someone outside of comedy asked me what I thought of everything that happened as a result of Eddie Brill being fired from Letterman. This person, while a friend, foolishly believes everything the media prints. I explained that Eddie Brill is not prejudice against female comedians, and overall does not hate women. They asked me how I know. One, in this piece of old news everyone knows that the “journalist” did a hatchet job to further his own dubious career, and second, I know Eddie. Eddie has always been supportive of me in my endeavors. Plus just because you take a workshop with a producer doesn’t mean you will get on the show.

There are plenty of factors that make a person Letterman friendly. One is age, the second is funny, and thirdly do Dave and the booker like you.

What seemed more abhorrent was how people were willing to throw stones at Eddie Brill, a man who is a friend to all comedians regardless of their gender. Did this outsider friend not follow the story, seeing how the women in comedy rallied around Eddie? At least those that knew the truth did.

What offends me is how women hate is allowed sometimes and not allowed other times depending on the individual in question. We love in a culture that no doubt is sexist, chauvinistic, and the glass ceiling, while barely visible, still exists. Sports commentators time and time again make veiled anti-woman references yet they are allowed to keep their jobs. Not to mention Sean Connery once said in an interview it was okay to hit women, and Hollywood still hires him. Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen actually hit women and they are saluted as anti-heroes who, while we claim to dislike these hooker buying cokeheads who abuse women, we buy the tickets when they come to town.

Don’t even let me get started on rap music. On nine out of ten rap albums there is a song about raping women, abusing women, and Eminem even goes so far as to wish the mother of his child dead in the trunk of a car. The word bitch is used as a proper noun to describe females as well. Yet this music that perpetuates that it is okay to hit a woman is allowed to remain on shelves, and these woman abusers are millionaires.

What is wrong with this picture?

You ask me what makes me an authority on men who do and don’t hate women and how I can tell? When I was twenty one years old I almost married a very abusive, sick man. Suffering from borderline personality disorder, my ex had abandonment issues. Being a nice college woman, I thought I could change a man who did massive amounts of drugs, dated strippers as well as other women who worked in the sex trade, and had a violent temper. I was wrong. I was always wrong because I was a woman. My ex couldn’t stand that I had more friends than him, was more educated than him, and ultimately had more of a future than he could ever hope to have.

My ex controlled me by telling me which of my friends I could and couldn’t talk to. Then it was that his friends thought my ventriloquism was stupid. Meanwhile, these rejects can be found living in your local trailer park. After that there was the fact I couldn’t wear makeup. And then he offered to kill his mother to get the money to be with me because she had a hefty insurance policy, and that is just the tip of the ice berg. He would also call his own mother a whore on the regular.

After we broke up he told me he wanted me dead and humiliated me publically whenever he could. The stalking got out of control to the point where I now have a separate mailing address. I think I have a good idea of what a woman hater is.

These days I can spot it quicker than a fat boy catches a jelly donut. I can tell you Eddie Brill does not hate women. I can spot these attitudes within minutes of meeting a man. Most real men with a quarter of a brain don’t hate women. They don’t think abuse of women in any way, shape , or form is funny or tolerable. Most of the time they don’t have a problem with me. We actually get along well. Most guys with half a brain know that women are meaner to themselves than they could ever be, so they actually treat us kindly.

Because I can spot it I call these mouth breathers out on it. They don't know what to do when I tell them, "Your problem is you hate women, and I don't care if you like me because I wasn't created to lay on my back for your needs." They never know how to take the fact that they have been busted. Yes, I am the nightmare of those assholes and I am not afraid to fight with them. Just like any bully, they don't like a victim willing to stand up to them, and yes they do back off in shame. Dickwads. 

It’s that minority of guys however who are troubling. Yes, I am talking about RFK, Jr. His recent claims was that his wife beat him. I don’t believe that for a second. And if he did they left out the part of the story where he kept telling her about his affairs with other women. Or about how she had to find out from others that he wantonly molested women at cocktail parties. I would have beat my husband too. Actually, her mistake was not beating him to death with a crow bar and burying his body in the back yard.

That’s what I would do. Then if anyone asked I would say he left with an eighteen year old cheerleader.

I know from experience how painful it can be. My ex fiancé used to tell me that he had to sleep with other women, such as his stripper ex girlfriends, because I didn’t do it for him. This was often followed by terrible, violent arguments that got physical. Why did I stay? I thought my love could change a man who was so twisted against women it wasn’t even funny.

But as I said, I can usually spot a guy who dislikes women. One such person was a former Last Comic Standing contestant who shall remain nameless, but I will say he was on between seasons 4-7. This individual was just so arrogant and when I spoke to him literally in not so many words let me know I was created on Earth just to give him sexual pleasure. He bragged about preying on the women in the New York City comedy scene. On top of that, he bragged about preying on the various women he worked with, and often tricked women into doing his dirty work. I wondered how he did it with his limited success and talent. Of course, the writing was on the wall when I saw how he humiliated a beautiful female contestant on the show. Then again, his career has gone down which is God’s fitting way of punishing this moron.

My question is, why aren’t pricks like this being crucified in the press, and why are they going after male bookers who help women as being anti-female?

What is worse, is when this anti-female minority raises their voice they are stupid is as stupid does. Whenever I speak in defense of women these men, who clearly don’t have a brain in their head, accuse me of being a man hater. When I say domestic violence is wrong as well as beating women, belittling women, and abusing them I never say I hate men.

Then again, idiots never listen.

Of course there are the morons who think my comedy is anti-male. I never say I hate men in my routine about my ex. I talk about a disaster of a breakup and how it’s funny. I have been called “bitter” by idiot male comedians and even bigger idiot male bookers. At the same time, most men, bookers and comics as well as audience have been receptive.

What’s wrong? Did I strike a nerve? I wasn’t crawling in the dirt like you wanted me to be? I told the truth so that makes me a bad girl?

As long as we are getting ready to do a public hanging, put me next to the guy unjustly accused of hating women because someone wants to do a hatchet job. Let’s leave the morons who treat women like crap and prey on them to continue their game. Of course, they are without fault.

What am I talking about? I am just a woman.

Sheesh

Love,

April