Getting Some......

Several years ago, on Valentine’s Day I received a the best present ever. I got to be on television. It was my first live television appearance ever. Of course I didn’t know it was a live show until I got there, which was both exciting and scary. My boss Bruce wanted me to blast the company all over Good Day NY, and dress in my cute heart costume. I was to sing to the newscasters, and then go out and deliver.

The show filmed from 5:30-7:30 AM, and I had to be there about 5 AM for hair and makeup to go on about 6. It sounds horrendously early and it was. Welcome to the wonderful world of television. When I got there, I remember alerting the security guard who looked peeved he was made to wake up that early. He called someone down to get me. Arriving was  a butch lesbian stage hand who had a stern, businesslike look on her face. I had my heart costume in a laundry bag and was holding it in my hand.

“I’ll take that.” She announced in an authoritative tone.

“It’s okay, I got it.” I told her. If you know me I am super OCD about props and costumes and there was no way I was letting this stranger touch it. Plus it was all of 5 pounds.

Grunting with a mix of distain and the believe that I was in fact a moron, she snarled, “It’s a Union job.” With that, she snatched the laundry bag from my hand. I stood there shocked. So far, I only had one cup of coffee. This was something I needed three to deal with. The security guard gave me a sympathetic glance. Up on the elevator we went.

As soon we got upstairs, I realized my escort was not being difficult but rather carrying my things was part of her responsibility not only as a stage hand, but also as a Union member. So instead of being an asshole without adequate coffee, I decided to take the high road and apologized. She said it was okay and didn’t show emotion either way. Still, I do think she appreciated it. You always want to make friends with your crew. They are the last people you want to piss off, EVER! Even though I was unaware of the Union job, I was aware of that.

As I readied for my screen time, my hair and makeup was done by this gay man who was in a bitchy mood because not only was it early, but he had a busy morning. Bruce had suggested I look one way on television. This man had other ideas. While Bruce knows his stuff, this man was quick to tell me that would not fly on “his show.” Later, I learned he would tell people what they should look like and what they should wear whether that individual liked it or not.

Of course after I was waiting to go on, I began to talk to the campaign manager of a Senator from Illinois named Barak Obama. I learned that Mr. Obama was running for president and people were discounting him. Note: That is how long ago this was. Anyway, his campaign manager was a very nice man, and we were fast friends.

I went on in between stories to sing and perform for the newscasters, and the whole appearance was fun. However, there were fireworks behind the scenes. The hairdresser, king of his domain,  kept stealing me to fix my hair and makeup. In turn, the producer, a woman with a Type A Plus Plus personality freaked out when she could not find me. She and the makeup artist screamed at each other as a result. From what I understood, this was a normal day on the job and they were friends in real life.

In between my turn on the air, the news team was covering an exciting Valentine’s Day story. Of course, this was after my splits and tumbling from my days as an acro dancer at Dance Connection. While I was somewhat spry, I was not nearly as good as I used to be.

One newscaster, a perky Asian lady who’s name escapes me, said,  “The theme for Valentine’s Day is safe sex and they are giving out New York condoms. The slogan is, ‘Getting Some.’ What do you think of when you think of getting some?”

There was an awkward pause in the studio. The producer looked like her head was about to explode. This was live TV with no editing, and one wrong word or move could cost the station a few grand. This could go real wrong real quick. Even as the hair and makeup man attempted to steal me for another touch up, he glanced sympathetically in our direction. At that moment, the poor news woman realized she had opened a door accidentally, and now the battle ship could go down right quick.

Oh shit. It was early and had already been a long day. Now things were about to get much worse. For what seemed to be a few seconds but felt like an eternity, we all held our breath.

“Well, when I think of getting some, I think of getting some sleep!” Said the nice looking, male, talking head who looked like the white bread boy you would bring home to Mama. The rest of the team laughed, and the energy of the place eased. That was a brilliant save. A smile crossed the stressed out producers face. The make up dude shrugged. Barack Obama’s campaign manager let out a muffled laugh. God bless television. God bless New York.

Later that day, I tackled a full break neck schedule of telegram deliveries. Then I performed standup that evening with May Wilson. How did I do it in those days without killing myself? The thought makes me tired. How did I complete that day without dying of exhaustion? To answer your question I got no action that night. None, zippo, nada.

Since that day, I have been on television several more times. I have done a lot of shows, some scripted and some not. I have done a lot of shoots, some live and others pre-recorded. Still, the memory makes me laugh.  Over time I have seen a lot and that still is one of the best saves ever. End of discussion.

Lately I have been thinking of getting some. No, not sex. Relax. Get your mind out of the gutter. It has been forever and a day since I had a man though. Not that I would have time for one now. If I did what would I do with him. “Hi Baby, I have a huge writing assignment. Could you clean my apartment and cook me dinner?” Some dudes would be game for that.

Or, “Hey Baby, I am about to be on national television. Could you go away so I can prep? Yes, you ca play poker with the boys. Or better yet, you can cheat with that red head down at your hang out. It’s okay. I need the stage time and moments alone to prep for the next two weeks. I ain’t mad.”

Or, “Hey Baby, I never had an honest dude with a job before. I don’t know what to do or say. Since I am used to guys who have been to jail, can you just step in this cage? That way I know you won’t go anywhere.”

So far, I don’t have any takers. Who wudda thunk it?

But yes, I have been thinking of getting some, as in sleep. Since last week I have been living inside a treadmill on a pressure cooker. The workload has been insane. I have a photo shoot for this, a writing deadline for that, I have to get my video ready for this one, and then I have to send paper work to that one. There is always something to be done.

The upside is, much of this action is because years of hard work and keeping a break neck schedule have paid off. While many of my peers either were chasing the social life or gave up the dream to have a family, I kept chugging. Now as a result doors are opening for me, and that is not an accident. There can be a great many things said about me, but one thing no one can argue with is I have a hell of a work ethic.

I am grateful for a lot that has happened this week. For starters, I am performing as a part of the Guinness Book of World Records World’s Longest Variety Show. I perform January 2^nd at 11:4 PM at the Metropolitan Room. (PLUG) Tony Danza is on that afternoon. We perform for four days straight. I still have to decide what jokes I am doing. We had our photo shoot this week. Then I got some good news on a writing project, but it included a deadline which meant I was working all night. The next day I woke up looking like someone who spent the night writing only to find out I was asked to be on a local show. At first I passed. I was too tired and looked like the camera and I weren’t going to be friends. However, they were paying me a decent day rate and were up the street. I am glad I went. I got the best Christmas present ever aka I got a Taft-Hartley into SAG-AFTRA. While I have been on TV a bunch, I never joined the union because I wasn’t working on TV consistently enough, and wanted the experience so I could book the jobs. Now I have it.

Of course then fans are ordering DVDs and I had to mail them along with personalized photos. Add in I had to do some video stuff. Oh and I had a full telegramming schedule. To say I am tired is the understatement of the year. Friday was a decent delivery day though. I delivered to the IAB aka the cops who investigate other cops. They were good people, and the guy I delivered to is actually a published author as well. He has another book coming out which is awesome. It was cool to meet one of my people. We are now twitter friends. I cannot wait to read his work.

I did another delivery Friday where my brain was leaking and I could barely complete a sentence. The dude I delivered to was cool, but the contact did not tip. People get stingy with tips around holiday season. Still, it was fine. I got paid. Whatever. Either way, afterwards, my poor little legs were so exhausted they could barely carry me. Mind you even before the Guinness Book photo shoot I had filmed for another TV show, did an animal benefit, and attended the Heisman’s and had family in town not once but twice during this whole time……that’s another story.

Either way, I am leaving to see my parents. Like most young adults, it brings up a mixture of love but also anxiety and dread. However, I also welcome the rest. I will be able to sleep in and I need it.

Of course my dad asked me when I will be releasing my next book. While I am so exhausted and worn thin I hurt when I move, it is sweet when your family dreams with you. My dad also asked if I am dating any dudes.

Before any of this can be done, mama needs a nap. So yeah, I am getting some. Getting some sleep. And when I wake up, perhaps I will get started on my next book. And in my dreams I will get lucky with a handsome prince that loves puppets and is gainfully employed.

Xo

April

www.aprilbrucker.com

Thanks, Mr. President

Dear Mr. Obama,

My name is April Brucker. I am a performer and writer living in NYC. For some time my health insurance situation has been quite insecure and causing me some anxiety. Throughout my childhood and early adult years, I have been blessed to be on my parent's policy. However, when I reached a certain age they had to drop me. This left me afraid that if something were to happen to me, I wouldn't be protected.

My mother was worried about my insurance situation and so was I. She pointed out that if something happened to me, my parents would have to dig into their 401K in order to help me. Whether it was a car accident or cancer treatment, this would leave them destitute. I didn't want this, especially since my parents had worked their entire lives and deserved a solid retirement. I needed healthcare and didn't know what to do.

The deadline was looming, and I had tried the website before when it crashed. I was divided on whether I thought Universal Healthcare was a good idea. This was because of the negative feedback I heard, but also because the website kept crashing. However, when the kinks were worked out I went back on. Not only was I able to enroll, but it was relatively painless. Yes, it took me two hours. It was no fault of yours or the websites but rather I wanted to be thorough in my answering of the questions and wanted to pick a plan that was best for me. I knew that this was an important assignment, and one that could be life or death if I made the wrong decision. However, the choices were available to me in a way they never were. This was not only calming my fears but rather a gift from the highest office in the land.

The plan I picked covers emergency room visits, doctor's visits, second opinions, chemo, lab work, prescriptions, gyno issues, and oral surgery if I would need it. While I do not have eye and dental at the moment, I can upgrade once my financial situation changes. (Knock on wood).

Because of your hard work and belief in the people, I now have health care. I feel safe, protected, secure and care for. If I get sick I will not be abandoned. My parents will not have to dip into their retirement if something should happen to me. I will not be denied care for fear of nonpayment. Universal Healthcare has not only made me more insured than I have ever been, but lets me continue to follow my dreams knowing I am insured.

Because of you, and the fact you continued to fight even when people struck you down, my mother can sleep better at night. She can know that I have access to quality care and that the president she voted for twice made that happen. I am giving her a copy of my healthcare cards in case something should happen to me. It was her idea not mine. Once a mom always a mom. However, she is relieved and told me to find a network of doctors in my plan in case anything should happen to me. Before this was just a dream, now it is a reality.

I have voted for you not once but twice. I met some of your campaign people when I appeared on Good Day NY. Right away I was struck by now nice they were. No one knew much about you then. They said you lacked the experience some of the other candidates had. However, you had more vision than any of them. As a result, gay people are becoming citizens with full fights in a country they pay taxes and work in. Stop and frisk policies towards minority young men are being struck down. Women's reproductive rights are being protected.

And most importantly, you are making sure that everyone, rich, middle class and poor, have health care.

Despite your critics, American history will be kind to you. I am a proud Democrat, and can say the man I voted for truly does care about the people he governs.

Thanks Mr. President!


April Brucker
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com


Come see my DVD taping
Metropolitan Room
April 22nd @ 7pm
34 W. 22nd Street

Using My Voice: Why We Should All Vote

Election Day is here. We are all sick of hearing about it. We have the Democrats promising more change. While there has been a lot done to clean up the proverbial oil spill Bush has left, there is still a lot of wreckage and our country is far from being perfect. There are the Republicans promising economic growth but unsure of how they are going to trim the budget while they take away the rights of women and gays. But the thing is, it takes many ideas to make the world go round. And therefore it takes many opinions to make this country work.

This morning I went to the polls. I didnt know when I was going to vote but the sign said voting here and then had aqui for our Spanish friends. When I went it was like a school assembly. Go here, go there. I saw friends and there was an odd bonding like we were all here doing something important. I saw a guy I knew from college on his way to work and he had just cast his ballot for Obama. Then a man I barely know from the gym but it friends with a million of my friends was eating a bananna and we exchanged a high five. We had just cast our ballot. We had just used our voices. We had just made our point.

There is all this mumbo jumbo that your voice doesn't count because of the electoral college. The truth of the matter is, your voice doesn't count only if you don't make it count. In my twenty-eight years of life I have learned you are only out of the ball game if you put yourself on the bench. I made my voice count. I made myself heard. I voted and when I marked my ballot I casted what I believed in.

When I voted for President Obama I said that women deserved equal protection under the law. We are not second class citizens. We deserve clinics like the Planned Parenthood because we need gyno care and cannot always afford it. I also protected my right to choose. My right to choose is not just to have an abortion but also to give my child up for adoption. My right to choose is to choose to keep my child and raise it. Under the law I have a choice. None are easy. But the Republicans want to take that away. They want to control my uterus. I am saying no.

When I vote for Obama I am also defending my rights as a stalking victim. There are conservative male critics who would say that someone like myself who had an ex who was abusive I deserved this. But because of liberals there are places where women like myself can seek counseling and shelter because it is not our fault. I also had a fan stalk me a few months ago. While I am slowly getting my confidence back, I know that again, there are places where I can seek protection and it is liberal legislation. It is people like them who tell me it's not my fault. It is people like them who protect women and don't want to take us back to 1950s and put us into binders.

When I vote for President Obama I am saying that I want my gay friends to have equal protection under the law as well. This means that they are not treated as second class citizens in a country where they work and pay taxes. This means that they have things like hospital visits with their partners and the right to marry without some misinformed bigot telling them that an outdated book condemns their so called choice when science has proven that this is all biology.

When I vote for President Obama I am saying that I support stem cell research. My brother and sister are both in research. Stem cells are currently helping people with cancer and AIDS. No one asks for cancer and despite the stigma no one asks for AIDS either. While the Christians selfishly use every excuse for their worn out pro-life platform, stem cells are saving lives. I am saying yes we can.

When I vote for President Obama I am saying that I want universal health care. I am a freelancer and sometimes things wax and wane with my job. While my lifestyle is my choice, a full time job would mean benefits but also take me away from my career. With universal healthcare I have coverage no matter what. Also it protects poor children who did not ask to be brought into this world with single mothers. They need healthcare too. What about them?

When I vote for Obama I am saying global warming is a concern. I live in a city that has been through a hurricane. We had an earthquake yesterday in Jersey and as a New Yorker I was sick from the aftermath. We supposedly have a snow storm this week. The Republicans deny this while I know this is a fact. We had no winter last year. Big industry has destroyed our planet. People in the Rockaways have no food, clothing or shelter. Mitt wants to take away FEMA. I am saying no. I am saying these people are helpless through no fault of their own. I am saying that they don't deserve to loose everything. I am saying you are out of touch Mitt.

When I vote for Obama I am saying thank you for cleaning up the economy and for making my job that nearly dried up in 2009 have a second life. As a freelancer I can tell you that around the middle of 2010 and 2011 when my job began picking up there were tremendous signs of growth in the economy. It was all because of the hard work of our president.

I espoused my views and maybe you disagreed. However no matter what your views are your job is to make your voice heard. Maybe you hate Obama. Maybe you hate the health care plan because you are pro-life and don't want to pay for my birth control or abortions. Maybe you are anti-gay marriage because of your religious beliefs. Maybe you are anti-stem cell because of your faith as well. Maybe you believe global warming is a myth. Maybe you are unemployed and furious. Maybe you believe Mitt will clean up the economy. If that is your belief, don't just take it to facebook like a numskull. Go and vote and make your voice heard.

There are many opinions in this world. I have friends and family members that are Republicans. It's not even because they are anti-gay or crazy but don't want the government in their business. Some are pro-life for religious reasons. I would say that they are still good people.

No matter what our beliefs are we must stand together and make this country work. We must make our voices heard on the ballot. We must let the people speak.

In the words of PA Republican senator Tim Murphy, "It is important that both parties work together to make things better."

So what I am trying to say is, if you want more Obama, VOTE!. If you want some Mitt, VOTE!

Don't just sit on your ass.

V-O-T-E!

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

www.buybooksontheweb.com

877-Buy-Book

Three dollars from every book sold go to The American Red Cross to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

Jesus Wrote My Blog: What He Thinks of the Election

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I am hi-jacking April's blog today to clear up a few things before the election. Some of my children, the ones on the short bus, claim to have read my book. Many cannot read to begin with so they probably listened to the book on tape version. But let's clear the air about the Bible shall we? For starters, I never wrote it. The Bible is basically a diary of the happenings of life before and after me. I am just that important, what can I say? I have millions of followers coupled with an absentee father who let me get nailed to a cross. My mother was a Virgin. My father was a carpenter. What I am trying to say is that MY STORY HAS BEEN LOST IN TRANSLATION MANY TIMES. Some people added their own spice and some things got mistranslated in general. I have been in Hebrew, Latin, Greek, and English just to name a few. Cool, huh? Random House will you give me a book deal?

Now that we are on the subject I have never, ever disrespected women in my scriptures. There has never been anything said about a woman's right to choose. I think women need to choose to respect themselves and have fun but be smart about it. After all, I shacked up with a lady of the night and she was one of my best followers.

Also, I never said anything about disrespecting gay people. Let them be gay. Let them marry men and women. As long as they are decent people. Gay men created Broadway and make pretty music. They make the world a more beautiful place. Lesbians are the best plumbers, contractors, and stage managers there are. Plus they have a monopoly on softball, volleyball and basketball. God made no mistake when he made these decisions. Did I mention they wrote a musical about me? Oh gosh I am melting. Hugh Jackman come on over!

This same misunderstanding and hate was the catylist beind the anti-Civil Rights movements in the South. Many preached that I said that blacks were better off as slaves and subserviants. I never said such a thing. If anything, in case you haven't heard the blacks make better music in their churches and I have more fun there. God also gave them the ability to make great music and to play basketball and football. Racism disappears when there is money involved. The devil created racism and God created money. You decide which one wins.

We have a black president right now too. He's got my vote.

As for our Jewish brothers and sisters, they might not believe in me and that's fine. They cook well and their mothers nag and I empathize because I grew up with a Jewish mother. That is why I know the importance of hard work, discipline, and balancing my check book. When they get to heaven I always make sure they are my accountants. God makes no mistakes.

I like the Arabs too. They believe I am a minor profit. While some people would kick and scream it's like being a huge star in America but only a supporting actor in Japan. I can live with it.

I feel like a woman should have the right to choose. No one goes to the abortion clinic because they are bored on a Thursday.

I feel like the gays should marry. Let everyone be excited about planning the wedding.

I feel like there should be socialized healthcare. Everyone regardless of who they are deserve to be cared for by a doctor. In case you did not hear I love all and come in the form of a beggar from time to time. That is why all my children should be cared for.

Pat Robertson is not my creation. He is an alien.

Mitt Romney is not a Mormon but secretly worships the devil. I don't take it personally, Satan needs her fans too. What, you thought the devil was a man? Come on, something that angry and deceitful must have some hormonal influx once a month.

So vote wisely tomorrow. Also, keep those affected by Sandy in your prayers. They did nothing to deserve this devistation. My father is doing his best to deliver. We all are. The end of the world is not coming you morons. Instead we have a few hundred more years of this. My dad is having too much fun with his toy creations, I am just walking on water to keep in shape, and the angels are playing poker. If the world ends it will be the end of our fun.

Son of God out