Boobs and Pussy: McWha?!?!

I sometimes don't understand guys. Actually, make that never. They are fascinated to no end by boobs and pussy. Seriously. When they see tits they go ga ga and when there is a mention of getting laid and getting in the magic box they go even crazier swearing to be doctors, lawyers, and Native American tribal leaders if it does the trick.

Personally I have boobs and I don't see what the big deal is. They are a pain in the ass if you really want to know. They serve no purpose whatsoever. Most of the time I have to worry about what bra to wear with what and how to make sure my bra straps are not showing. Not to mention I have to wear a sports bra when I exercise to keep the useless things from flapping about and to keep from getting stretch marks. Not to mention that I am likely to get cancer there and have to have someone grope them every so often to make sure there are no lumps.

And guys are fascinated with these things. WOW!

Then the pussy is the one that really puzzles me. The thing is kind of weird. It bleeds for anywhere from three to five days once a month which already makes it a pain in the ass freeloader of female anatomy. Yes, it is a pain to deal with. What liners to use, and how to avoid getting toxic shock syndrome from tampons. Oh, and have you ever looked at a vagina in the mirror? When it is hairy it looks like a bizarre, scary, bearded creature that lives in a cave ready to shallow whoever enters. When it is shaved it looks like that bizarre, scary, cave creature on chemo. But men can't get enough of this. They scheme on ways to get it. They go out to clubs set on getting inside of it. I have one and personally I don't see what the big deal is.

Again, WOW!

And then there is the whole Wonder Woman thing. Guys think a Wonder Woman costume is hot along with any chick who could potentially kick their ass. They think that this is kinky. Of course this is coupled by the Catholic School girl outfit and the lollipop. And then there are the pornos with no plot that they say, "But she's hot." Yes, and I suppose this is why you spend money and watch these idiotic laced films in private. It is certainly not the dialogue. I really just don't get it. Oh and then there are the cheerleader outfits some guys like their girls to wear when they role play, along with the naughty nurse and french maid. Either too many pornos or men are just warped, confused, and twisted.

I don't think they are warped, confused, and twisted actually. I just don't get them. I will admit it. They oogle over a hot billboard and whateves, she's decent looking. But useless mammary glands and a freeloading part that has the street nickname of a feline, many women have them and find them a pain in the ass, and we can tell you that they are not special in the least.

Maybe this questioning is a nagging insecurity that deep down I know that if I were to ever get a man I would not have the first clue on how to make him happy. That there would always be someone better looking who could keep her mouth shut that could cook a better apple pie.

Maybe it is the fear of getting old.

Or maybe it is that men are such bizarre creatures that I don't understand them. They oogle over the useless organ and the freeloader of all female anatomy. I am just puzzled. I have one of each and can tell you that it is no big deal. It's not like you have to do anything to earn them.

Either way, if I ever get a husband or some sort of male life partner I will alleviate these worries by telling him the football game is on. He can oogle at the scantily cheerleaders all day long and exert his testosterone while watching a tackle or two. Both will keep him occupied as me and my girls and my gays have an afternoon of Golden Girls reruns. We can do our own thing, it will be spectacular.

Of course men are oblivious. He won't even realize I was gone. The secret to a happy marriage.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Amazon.com


Come to my signing event
12=27-12 @ 7pm
Bethel Park Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA
15102

Picture Says A Thousand Words

This Saturday I was at the movies with my friend V as I will call him. V is a bit of a ladies man. While we will never sleep together, he had let me know on several occasions that he is available.Anyway V is currently conversing with this twenty two year old vixen. Apparently his friend set them up. Well this young woman who probably has loose morals like my friend V but is a lot of fun wasted no time and sent him a picture of her va-jay jay. V wasting no time showed me this full body shot with the face blurred out.

The tits were big. I asked if they were real. He said they were, I however had my doubts.

Then he showed me the full body shot and as I said, there was the va-jay jay landing strip and all shaped as if she were expecting company. Then V showed me another photo, the woman sent a close up shot of her chocha. Not only was there a landing strip, but she had a very visable piercing in that area. Despite the antics May and I engage in on the regular on television and the radio, when it comes down to it I blush quite easily. I didnt know what to say. Sure this girl would have probably would party with May Wilson but what if that thing got infected? Just saying. And someone who sends photos like that is probably not being safe and is probably safely assumed to be psychotic just like all the women V hooks up with. Of course it always ends with them having a nervous breakdown or going crazy on him. Surprise, surprise.

V asked what I thought. Meanwhile I have a hooha myself. To me it is a weird looking creature with a beard that bleeds three times a month and should never be seen by anyone other than God, my gyno, me when I dare tread there, and of course my most unfortunate undergarments. Needless to say when you have one it is not all that impressive. At the same time I realize men are simple creatures fascinated by the stupidity of this ugly organ, they struggle for nine months to get out and all they ever want to do is get back in for the rest of their existance it seems. Between that, football, and shark week men are but simple creatures.

V then mentioned she might be coming to a gathering amongst our friends and I could meet her. I am like oh, and spoil the surprise by finally seeing her face. NEVER!

Then I told V that if I met her I would say, "I saw so many pictures of you. Finally nice to see your face. Saw the rest of the package. Wondered what completed it."

Or then there is the, "I think you are a sweet, vulnerable young lady. I love how you expose yourself."

Better yet, "Have you been on any good landing strips lately?"

Then there is the, "Sometimes when you take a photo you have to be yourself and let it all hang out."

Maybe I could sing the old SNL Spartan Cheerleader song, "I've got spirit in my britches and it really, really itches."

This will probably end in utter disaster like all of V's encounters with women. She will probably handcuff him to something so he can't escape. She will probably come after him with a sharp object. She will probably be screaming as they lead her away in a straight jacket. He will probably be telling me about this the next time we hang out. Sigh, a picture says a thousand words.

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

www.buybooksontheweb.com

877-Buy-Book