Girl Fight Tonight (Julie Brown)

“FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING FUCKS!” Al Pender screamed from the field on the unseasonably hot October Saturday as The Whiskey Rebellion Blackhawks JV Squad faced off against The Centerville Red. Last night we were mercilessly creamed, and today was payback, or least that’s what it was supposed to be.

Mom put her hands over my ten year old sister Skipper’s ears. Al continued his tirade. Dad, along with some of the other fathers grumbled, “C’mon.”

“Five hundred yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct,” The referee responded. My brother Wendell and the rest of the JV squad made face to palm motions on their helmets, not even bothering to hide their annoyance.

“Sad thing is, the kid is fast. He could play varsity. He’s just nuts.” Dad said. Pender was notorious for both his hot feet and hot temper, being what Coach Matthias referred to as, “unpredictable like a dog in heat.”

The next play began. Feet away, Al Pender Sr-or Penderhead as Dad referred to him-sat with feet away with his newest wife, Mrs. Pender Number 5. The former Chastity Beddonfield had graduated and cheered as a Lady Hawk three years ago. She was attending the local community college before she got wrapped up with a crook, took part in a check cashing scheme and found herself on the wrong side of the law. After getting convicted, the only place that would hire her was The Jefferson Lodge, the seedy strip joint on the edge of town.

Penderhead, who was a frequent customer, boasted to the down and out dancer about his successful construction business. Looking as if he escaped a casting for Boogey Nights, Penderhead told the young woman what he told everyone who met him, “I make an obscene amount of money.” This was her first trip out of the house since getting her electronic ankle monitor off.

Then Al got the ball. Penderhead yelled, “Go Al!”

Chastity, her bleach blonde hair with black roots showing used her cheerleader voice, “MOVE THAT BALL!” Behind the Penders sat Dina Almoni. Al’s squeeze of three years, last spring, her water breaking in home room, Dina gave birth to their son Rock, named after their favorite professional wrestler. The long suffering Mrs. Almoni, who had lost her husband two years before in an industrial accident, had her hands full working two jobs and did her best with her out of control daughter. As he ran with the ball and Dina bounced Rock on her lap, Mrs. Almoni said, “That bum is fast. Hope he’s as quick to get a job as he was to saddle you with a kid.”

Penderhead turned around, “Nah, your daughter is the trash who trapped our son forever.”

Dina rolled her eyes. Her jet black hair with peroxide highlights flowing in the wind and clothes so tight it was a wonder she breathed said, “Ignore them Mom, Daddy’s on the field, right Rock?” Mrs. Almoni rolled her eyes.

Then Dina yelled, “Go Snookums Pie!”

Of course this pet name was a never ending source of fodder for the varsity Blackhawks, who had watched game tapes that morning and had come down to support their JV brothers, chowing on hot dogs feet away. Making it the call and response portion of the show they sang, “DINA DA DING DING DING DING DING!” The guys did this because just as Snookums Pie was Dina’s pet name for Al, Dina Da Ding Ding Ding was Al’s pet name for Dina.

Al was running until BAM! He got tackled. The ref blew the whistle. Al, frustrated, threw down the ball, ran over to the opposing player on the Reds, grabbed his face mask and attempted to punch him. The Reds families gasped, but the Blackhawk families rolled their eyes.

The ref, who had given Pender tons of many penalties already, finally ejected him from the stadium. Al, never one to miss a dramatic exit threw down his helmet, grabbed his crotch and screamed, “FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING COCK SUCKING, CUNT LUCKING, DEMOCRAT MAGGOT!”

I was impressed because Al might have managed to offend most if not all people in the stands. Dina yelled, “Snookums Pie, you tell him!”

Mrs. Almoni groaned. The varsity guys yelled, “DINA DA DING DING DING!”

Al stomped off the field and Dina flicked off the varsity guys, nearly dropping little Rock who was now crying because his mother was neglecting his most basic of needs. Luckily Mrs. Almoni caught the little boy and struggled to calm him down. Dina and the varsity guys went back and forth until Coach Stephens, the easy on the eyes dreamboat who coached JV, called a time out, left the field and approached the stands, “Next to say a four letter word has to run. Blackhawk Nation does not roll that way, especially with grandparents and children present. And that means you too, little Rock.”

The stands broke out laughing. Coach Stephens was a treasure who could diffuse any bomb. Mom looked at me and whispered, “Think before act with a boy. I am not going to be Mrs. Almoni, you hear?”

“Yes Mom,” I said. The game continued, we lost.

Skipper and I had swim practice the following Tuesday. As usual, it was uneventful with speed drills and conditioning. What made this day different was our parents were at a house party for one of Dad’s clients so it meant Wendell was ordering a pepperoni pizza from Sal’s Italian Too.

Mom, because she would be at the party with Dad, talked Jenny Hoffman’s mother into giving us a ride home. Jenny was one of Skipper’s best friends on the team, but one of my least favorite people on the planet. Like Skipper, Jenny was a STEM genius beyond her years. Once, the two had an hour long conversation about dead bodies, rigor and the bugs that showed up based on how long the person in question had been deceased. That’s not why I disliked Jenny though. If she could screw up something she did. Two weeks ago at a swim meet Jenny, after badgering us for days, talked us into letting her anchor our relay because her freestyle was “strong” She finished dead last costing us any trophy. Then there was the incident in CCD where Jenny asked the priest, and she was completely serious, if Jesus did LSD. We had to do extra catechism because our teacher was so appalled. When she talked at Constitution Middle school, we all yelled, “SHUT UP!” It was because it might result in us getting extra homework because our teacher would be so royally pissed. But I could do ten minutes in the car with them. I just had to ignore Jenny like I always did.

In the back of the van as Mrs. Hoffman drove, Jenny and Skipper were talking about a recent study about smells and finding your soul mate that Harvard had conducted. I successfully tuned them out until I heard Jenny say, “Since their smells are so different Mom and I are fixing Meredith up with Al Pender.” Meredith was Jenny’s less academic but more socially skilled and easier to take older sister.

Without thinking I blurted out, “NOOOO!!! STAY AWAY FROM SNOOKUMS PIE!”

As she drove, Mrs. Hoffman said, “I understand April’s point because of Al’s reputation, but he has been my student for years. He’s a nice boy. Just misunderstood and needs the love of a nice girl like Meredith.” Serving as the emotional support teacher at Whiskey Rebellion High School, Mrs. Hoffman had a good heart but now I was beginning to see lack of sense was genetic.

Jenny said, “And the science backs us up. The smells are very different yet compatible.”

I said, “Correction, you mean different yet combustible like fire and gasoline.”

Skipper said, “Ignore April. She’s bitter. Your hypothesis is probably correct.”

As Mrs. Hoffman pulled up, Jenny said, “April, I know you don’t grasp science but the facts and research will prove naysayers like yourself wrong.”

As I closed the door I said, “Naysayers like you don’t grasp reality. Have fun watching your dumpster fire blow up.”

When we got into the house Skipper said, “Why are you so unkind?”

I said, “They said the same thing about the guy who told them to put life jackets on the Titanic. Did you not see Snookums Pie and Dina Da Ding Ding Ding last Saturday?”

Wendell approached, “Pizza’s gonna be here any second. What are you squawking about?”

We told him. The look on Wendell’s face was priceless, “WHAT?! I rarely agree with April but the only thing this smells like a terrible idea.”

Skipper said, “But the hypothesis is on our side.”

Wendell said, “My hypothesis is these two a Red Neck Romeo and Juliet. They might break up today but they are back together tomorrow. Last girl who got in the middle of Dina Da Ding Ding and Snookums Pie had to change schools.”

I said, “And they have a kid which makes this day time talk show complicated.” Mom and I agreed, that despite Skipper’s intellectual supremacy, she was tender and naïve, so when she asked the plan was to let her believe Rock was Dina’s brother, not her son. But desperate times called for desperate measures.

Skipper said, “Rock is their son?”

Wendell nodded as the doorbell rang, “Yeah, treat it like the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones, Squirt. Don’t look and keep going.” We walked to the door and got our pizza. Never a dull moment.

Mom was angry Skipper had found out the truth about Rock, but Wendell came to my defense and told her about Mrs. Hoffman and Jenny’s plan. Like me, Mom tried to stop the bullet train by trying to warn Mrs. Hoffman and Jenny but with no success. Mrs.Hoffman and Jenny, determined to prove everyone wrong, arranged for the date when Al told her he ended things with Dina the day before. Meredith and Al went to the food court, had a great time and Al said he wanted to "do it again." What could possibly go wrong?

Two days later Dina and Al reunited before home room. Al came clean about the date with Meredith but defended himself by explaining that she “meant nothing.” Dina went bezerk.

She found out what Meredith’s first period class was, waited for her to go to the bathroom, and jumped her. Meredith got a fat lip, black eye and bloody nose. Dina was suspended for two weeks and told the principal not to bother because she hated school anyway and wouldn’t be returning. The Hoffmans thought the worst was over. Nope, it had only just begun.

Figuring he could make the new circumstances in his life work for himself, Al told his Blackhawk friends that Meredith could be his “school sweetheart” and Dina could be his “squeeze when the bell rang.” The plan backfired when Meredith, who wanted as far away from all this as possible, rejected the offer. Determined as ever, Al began to follow Meredith around school threatening any guy who came near her. Meredith was not only unable to get a date, but her social life suffered.

Back at the ranch, Mrs. Almoni, who was less than thrilled that her daughter dropped out of school, told her to get a job or get out. So Dina sought employment at The Jefferson Lodge. While they disliked each other, Chasity Pender agreed to serve as a reference. Always willing to stir the pot, Chastity casually told Dina that Al not only planned on seeing both women but bragged about it. Al of course denied any of this, but the friends Dina had at school backed up Chastity’s claims.

Dina, dancing under the name Pebbles, who lied about her age to gain employment, became very popular with the clientele at The Jefferson Lodge. Making many friends in low places who would easily do her bidding, one lonely gent in particular, who lived up the street from The Hoffmans, casually gave her Meredith’s home address after a seductive private lap dance. That’s when Dina began her reign of terror.

After work at The Jefferson Lodge, Dina would show up at The Hoffmans calling Meredith out. Yelling a barrage of insults, The Hoffmans figured the distraught dancer would burn herself out. Soon Dina upped her game though, littering their lawn with tampons, egging their door and lighting a bad of dog poop on fire.

At the end of their rope, The Hoffmans visited Dad’s law office. Dad, who marveled that the Hoffmans willingly let Snookums Pie and Dina Da Ding Ding into their lives persuaded them to seek out a restraining order. It was granted. At school, Jenny was a shell of her former self, quiet and tired. I wanted to tell her my hypothesis had been correct but life was doing a better job of that than I ever could.

Al, in an unrelated incident, punched a teacher and got expelled because why not? Seeing the perfect excuse to get rid of their problem child, Penderhead and Chastity kicked Al out onto the street. With no where to go he showed up at the Almoni’s. At this time Mrs. Almoni had discovered her daughter was working at The Jefferson Lodge and blamed Al, who she told could live in the treehouse, and could come in the house to use a computer to look for a job. When Al complained about the cold she said, “Tough shit.”

Despite all that had been happening, Al convinced Dina this made them stronger as a couple. Once spring came, he planned on marrying her in a proper ceremony at The Whiskey Rebellion Magistrate where Rock could be ring bearer. However, Al still wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He messaged Meredith online, calling Dina “a fat, breeding lump” and said the only reason he was still with her was baby Rock. Meredith let him down easy but when that failed she blocked him. This would have remained a secret but Al unfortunately left the internet window open making it easy for Dina to find. To a scorned woman, a restraining order is a mere piece of paper. Hell hath no fury like that same woman behind the wheel.

Cut to our family dinner that night and when suddenly the phone rang. Dad picked it up and I could tell this was bad, very bad. Dad said, “LOIS! I AM NOT THE LEGAL HELP YOU NEED RIGHT NOW! YOU NEED THE COPS! SHE’S DRIVING A CAR THROUGH THE FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE!”

Mom said, “The Hoffmans are officially The House Without a Brain.”

I said, “Hmm…..and the facts weren’t on my side, right guys?”

Wendell said, “The fact is, these people are like Melrose Place except with missing teeth.”

Skipper said, “How can you two laugh? This is horrible. Al and Dina weren’t ready for the responsibilities that came with having a child and now little Rock is going to pay.” Whether she knew it or not, Skipper had summed up teen parenthood in all of it’s glorious splendor.

The cops arrived and Dina was arrested. She was charged with destruction of property, attempted vehicular homicide, harassment and violation of a restraining order. As an added kick in the gut, upon her arrest, Dina tested positive for oxy and crack cocaine. She faced up to 30 years in prison.

It was Meredith Hoffman though, who advocated on Dina’s behalf, insisting she had been pushed as Al was determined to pit both women against each other. With the help of Mrs. Hoffman, the mother daughter duo insisted that the prosecution seek treatment, not punishment. Dina was sent to a long term facility for women with mental health and substance abuse issues for two years.

Mrs. Almoni was awarded full custody of Rock, moved several hours away with the boy, and told the lad his father died in the war. Turns out Mrs. Almoni was almost correct. Al died in a police shoot out at the age of 25, but being the gift that still keeps on giving he left behind six different children to six different women, none of which he ever supported. By forever tainting the genetic pool it can be argued he lived a short but full life.

Meredith finished high school quietly, attended a local university and married a boy she met there. She moved back to Whiskey Rebellion, has three kids and like her mother before her teaches emotional support at the high school. Jenny abandoned her smell theory but not science. Admitted to West Point and inspired by the events of her childhood, Jenny decided to become an FBI criminal profiler. Her senior thesis was on the Al/Dina/Meredith love triangle, and Chastity, who had long since divorced Mr. Pender and returned to work as a stripper, agreed to be interviewed as witness to the events for a reasonable fee.

In treatment, Dina earned her GED, got extensive counseling and realized that Al, not Meredith had been the real problem. Determined to get her life on track, she worked to regain custody of Rock. Once released, inspired by the people who helped her, she got a license to become a drug and alcohol counselor. After getting her son back, she moved to West Virginia, met her Mr. Right in an NA meeting who not only loved her but agreed to adopt Rock and married him. The two would eventually have two more kids.

On facebook, Dina The Recovery Coach as she calls herself now looks so good she is almost unrecognizable. Standing in a family photo with Rock, who resembles his father minus the bad decisions, Dina bragged that her oldest has accepted an athletic scholarship to Wheeling Jesuit University to play football. Hugging her grandson, Mrs. Almoni has a big smile. Finally, something in this sordid saga smells good.

Like my writing, buy my books available on Amazon, and visit me at www.AprilBrucker.TV

Brenda's Got A Baby (Tupac)

I grew up in a school district where we had abstinence education. Unsurprisingly, we also had the highest teen pregnancy rate in the area. Every fall, the local crisis pregnancy center was a guaranteed sale for the school’s football program. Council For Life ran a commercial on our televisions for years where an actress, portraying a woman who had gotten an abortion as a teenager, apologized to her ghost son who was riding a bike and catching a baseball. The commercial ended with, “Life is a beautiful choice.”

Off screen, teen motherhood had reached a near epidemic to the point where the high school home economics class set up a day care center so that not only could students receive childcare while they completed their studies, but their classmates could receive credit for taking care of their offspring that were probably conceived in the backseat of a Chevy.

In addition to cheerful advertising and subtle enabling of the pro-life message, we always had that girl who was the trend setter, the first to get knocked up in the class. We all had ideas of who it might be but never said out loud because we were Rust Belt Folk, hardworking and honest yes, but never rude.

At the end of eighth grade, it appeared we had a candidate. It was the last week of school, and my friend Kat Lovic-the local boy crazy gossip-told me her mom could give us a ride home. As we got into Mrs. Lovic’s station wagon, Brenda Capelli swooshed by with her caramel mane, bust that made her jailbait and short skirt that treaded the guidelines of the dress code. Seeing Andy Patrick-the class clown-she flipped her hair and giggled as if she were auditioning for a Pantene Pro-V ad. Kat, in a breathy faux Marilyn Monroe voice, imitated Brenda’s career day pitch to her guidance counselor, one that had become comedy fodder among our peers, “I want to dye my hair blonde, get breast implants, move to Hollywood and become a big, big star.”

Kat and I burst out laughing as Mrs. Lovic-a straight shooting trauma nurse from McKeesport who worked at Mercy Hospital with my Aunt Margaret-lit a cigarette, “Nah, ain’t gonna happen. My next paycheck bets she graduates from high school with a baby.”

Despite the fact it was mean, Mrs. Lovic’s cynicism always made me laugh. I said, “How about this, if it happens I will personally collect your paycheck, Mrs. Lovic.” We all burst out laughing, because it was year end and it was fun to take a shot at the junior high honey trap.

When the fall came and high school started, Brenda and I found ourselves in theatre arts class with Mr. Angle like every other wannabe thespian. On the first day of school Brenda said, “The only way my Hollywood aspirations can become complete is if I know the basics of acting.” Unfortunately Brenda didn’t understand that meant reading about the beginnings of theatre aka Greek Tragedy. Wanting to learn as much as possible, I did the reading and always eager to participate in class. Brenda made it clear this did not sit well with her as she rolled her eyes whenever I spoke. Of course-mind you-I rolled my eyes in return-especially as she bragged about not doing the reading.

Instead of rewarding my hard work, Mr. Angle would say, “April, cool it. You are over anxious, obnoxious, somewhat robotic and had to swallow.” Then he would turn to Brenda as she batted her fake eyelashes, “Brenda, darling, you might not believe it, under there is an artist and performer waiting to come out.”

While it hurt that my talent and hard work were doing cast aside in favor of the lesser sister of Jessica Rabbit, I redoubled my efforts outside of class because I was determined to make being a multi-disciplinary artist my life path. As my mom often assured me, the Brenda Capelli’s of the world would peak in high school, and my efforts now would assure a victory later when it actually mattered.

Brenda, a self-assured femme fatale because of Mr. Angle, began to date Matt Richards-the proverbial boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Matt’s dad was serving a lengthy sentence in prison, and his mom often worked double shifts bagging groceries at Foodland. Following family tradition, Matt was in regular trouble with the law himself. Brenda’s friends felt Matt was bad news, but she would coo, “You might think so, but you don’t know him the way I do.”

Brenda’s father, Marine Colonel Capelli, had recently been deployed to Iraq, her brother was at boot camp and her mom worked long hours as an office manager downtown. Since Brenda lived blocks from school, that meant the lovers could “get drunk and get fucked,” at her house during lunch, as the mullet wearing Prince Matt so eloquently described to his friend group. Brenda often returned to school smelling like a distillery and disguised it by wearing drug store perfume. Matt cheated often, and it was no surprise to anyone except Brenda when she got jumped outside of the Eat ‘n’ Park by a rival paramour one town over.

The following Monday, as she arrived to class with her newly wizened battle scars, Brenda randomly announced to everyone, “Jessica can run her mouth all she wants but Matt said he wants to be with me!”

Gina Bongiovani-who sat behind me said , “Say what you want, Brenda, but what chose you was a burning bag of shit!” Her boyfriend, Vito, who went one district over and was known as a universal asshole, had cheated with Brenda over the summer at a party in the South Park Grove therefore there was bad blood.

My friend Mikki Donato, a transplant from Long Island, and I laughed because Gina’s delivery was so good. Brenda turned and glared, “Shut the fuck up, April Brucker!”

I ignored her figuring she had another one of her liquid lunches. Gina said, “Yoo hoo, dumb bitch, it was me. April’s loud but she’d be too nice to tell you you’re a super slut who got what she deserved.”

Brenda said to Gina, “Could you please refrain from this, Gina. I was talking to April….”

Mikki said, “Ummmm……why are you going off on April when it’s Gina who insulted you? Are you drunk again or did that girl from South Park hit you in the head that hard?” Gina and I were now nearly peeing ourselves because Mikki was always so sweet and soft spoken.

Brenda said, “That’s it, April! Let’s go!”

I said, “Big talker for someone who just got reconstructive surgery performed on her face and probably couldn’t pass a field sobriety test.”

Brenda let out a loud squawk, and then Mr. Angle entered killing the climax of the scene. Mikki whispered, “She has really gone psycho. I have third period with her and you should have seen her then.”

Mr. Angle began the class, “Brenda, why don’t you just come to drama club and make better friends and nurture your talent? Try out for the fall play. You could be a leading lady.”

Rob O’Rouke, the local loudmouth and shit starter said, “April Brucker’s your leading lady. She’s already on public access, and the only place I hear Brenda could ever be a leading lady is a porno cause Matt told us you got those skillz!” This was followed by a him making a gagging sound and all of us breaking out into hysterics. I appreciated Rob’s endorsement, but it was coming not from a place of friendship but because he liked the pre-class cat fight. Mr. Angle sentenced Rob to time out and Brenda flicked him off as he left. End scene.

Over the next several weeks temperatures started to drop. Brenda’s short skirts and low hanging shirts were replaced by sweats and other baggier selections. This didn’t register as odd as everyone was wearing warmer clothes, especially as we were a Los Angles style open campus just outside of Pittsburgh where it rains and snows.

It was now cold outside, but Brenda and Matt’s romance was red hot. Unfortunately, Cupid had other plans for the lovers when Matt was arrested for burglary. Brenda, began missing class with “the stomach flu.” It was okay with us because she had regularly become moody and argumentative. When she was at school, she was barely present, complete with vacant zombie stare. As her looks vanished and she became more morose, Brenda, unsurprisingly, began to drop off Mr. Angle’s favorite list.

After Christmas break, Brenda came to school in a snow white dress with new makeup, a present she claimed was from her deployed dad. She glowed, but there was something that stood out like a sore thumb, her weight gain. Mikki, Kat and I passed her in the hall and Kat said, “Wow, I knew Matt going away was hard but talk about eating your feelings.”

Walking into Mr. Angle’s class later that day, Brenda entered. We all exchanged a side stare afraid her too small outfit on her too large body would rip. Seemingly oblivious, Brenda chowed down on a bag of Cheetos. Mikki leaned in and whispered, “This is her third bag today. Should she be doing that in white?

Dan Long, Mr. Angle’s unofficial senior teaching assistant that was headed to Penn State in the fall learned in to join our gossip, “Guess she’s not getting a date to snow ball.”

Jake Kebs, a snoody jerkoff who was the assistant to the assistant student director on the fall play said, “No date for the next few years, Matt is looking at being charged as an adult.”

I said, “And how do you know?”

Jake rolled his eyes, “He’s my neighbor, Dipshit.”

As we were getting to the meat of the story, Mr. Angle walked in. He said, “Participation is a huge part of this class and a few of you are really not cutting it. April-while hard to stomach-gets an A. Mikki you get an A minus. Gina, A minus. Dan you always get an A in my book. Jake, B plus.” We all nodded at each other pleased we were endorsed.

Mr. Angle said, “But I believe in second chances and extra chances, so why don’t get some folks who are failing up here.” Sure, this was a violation of The Buckley Amendment, but Mr. Angle was unaware that I knew that.

“Dylan, get up here.” A skater boy with his hair in his face, Dylan was notorious for smoking weed and falling asleep in class. Yawning, Dylan made his journey to the front of the room. Mr. Angle said, “And you Brenda.” Rolling her eyes and throwing her empty bag of Cheetos down, Brenda joined Dylan.

Mr. Angle said, “We are going to do an improv. You two are a couple, and Brenda, you have to tell him you are pregnant. GO!”

To begin the improv Dylan said, “Yo shawty, wassup.” The class laughed because everyone liked Dylan and he was a character.

Saying nothing, Brenda turned bright red, began to tremble, looked at us, burst out into tears and ran out of the room. Slamming the door, we all sat in stunned WTF silence. Dylan, visibly confused said, “Mr. Angle, dude, she messed up the scene.”

Mr. Angle rolled his eyes, “Dylan, you have raised your grade to a C. She is still failing and gets a time out.”

Dylan made his way back to his seat. Then it clicked. The weight gain, the cheetos the mood swings, the stomach flu, the baggy clothes, the fact she ran out upset, Brenda wasn’t depressed because Matt was in jail but because she was having his kid and was keeping it a secret! SHIT!

We all were sex obsessed, but Brenda was the pregnant girl, the negative consequence, the monster no one wanted to acknowledge but everyone wanted to pillory. Class proceeded and no one mentioned it again, it was as if we were all afraid a mirror would shatter.

I kept my suspicions to myself, but they were confirmed the next day after gym class while Kat and I were changing in the locker room. Brenda was talking with her bff, Danielle Mills. I didn’t know Danielle well, but I was on the literary magazine with her sister Shelly. Brenda said, “Mr. Angle is such a dick. I mean, do you think he knows?”

Danielle said, “Um, everyone knows. I mean hello! Look at you!” Kat and I learned in to listen.

Brenda said, “I have been trying to keep it a secret because people talk.”

Danielle said, “Um…..they are talking. Did you tell Matt?”

Brenda said, “Yeah, and he says when he gets out in two months, he is gonna take me to live with his uncle in California and we are gonna get married.”

Danielle said, “But…..why don’t you tell a guidance counselor or something? You need to go to a doctor and get vitamins and stuff. You are pushing a person out of your vagina. My stepmom just had a baby and there’s a lot to it.” Kat and I nodded in agreement. While Danielle was known as the dumber Mills sister, this was probably the smartest thing anyone was saying to Brenda right now.

Brenda said, “Nah, Matt is gonna be out in two months, we’ll go then.”

Danielle said, “Brenda, why don’t you just tell your parents? I mean, c’mon.”

Brenda defiantly said, “I am never telling my parents!”

Danielle said, “What are you going to tell them when this kid pops out of you?!”

Brenda took her things and rolled her eyes, “By that time I will be in California with Matt and they won’t have shit to say.” Exiting with Danielle behind her, Kat and I exchanged a glance that seemed to last until eternity.

Finally Kat said, “Well April, looks like you’ll be collecting my Mom’s next paycheck.” Kat, knowing her, would make the rounds with Brenda’s misfortune. I didn’t need to, Brenda’s life, in many ways, was effectively over as she was now a walking cautionary tale.

Brenda continued to live in her cloud of denial that she could keep her pregnancy secret long enough for Matt to be acquitted and rescue her, and Mr. Angle redoubled his efforts by making her the butt of his mean spirited roasts. In turn, Brenda became a shell of a person in class when she showed up. The fact Mr. Angle didn’t support me no longer came as a disappointment but as a relief. Instead of helping Brenda, he was bullying her for sport, that wasn’t just cruel but predatory. His behavior, to say the least, was extremely disappointing.

Matt fought the law but the law won. Due to his lengthy juvenile record, he was sentenced as an adult to five years at Western Penn. The downside was that Matt and Brenda’s California dreams had died, but the upside was that he was reunited with his father who was doing a 40 year sentence in the same facility.

That summer, Brenda’s father returned from Iraq. At Colonel Capelli’s welcome home celebration, Brenda went into labor. Brenda was shocked as she never had prenatal care so didn’t know when the due date was, and her family even more so because they had no idea she was even pregnant. Continuing another generation of good decisions Brenda named her daughter Destiny Beyonce.

Colonel Capelli, angry that all had imploded while he was away serving his country, decided it was best to get his family out of the place where his daughter had become “that girl.” Upon hearing Matt was in prison for five years, Colonel Capelli hired a lawyer and was victorious in pressuring jailbird baby daddy to give up his parental rights. Brenda, now living three hours away in the town her father grew up in, began attending an online cyber school under his supervision. Her mom and grandmother helped her learn to care for Destiny Beyonce. When not in school, Brenda worked at the family’s bakery where she could earn money and be productive in a way that didn’t result in the creation of another human being. Eventually becoming a medical assistant, Brenda married a firefighter who adopted Destiny Beyonce, bought a house, had two kids with her new husband and seems to be living happily ever after.

I laugh now and think if MTV had 16 and Pregnant then, Brenda could have made it out to California with Matt after all. This story also makes me cringe, too. As lawmakers legislate how women use their bodies, I know a Planned Parenthood and trusted, non-judgmental adults were what Brenda really needed. I hear the Christian Right talk about abstinence education and know first hand how not only is it harmful to women and children, but ultimately ineffective. While I am no fan of teens having sex, if Brenda would have known about proper use of birth control her life would have been drastically different. Bottom line, just because you can have a kid doesn’t mean you should. Or in the immortal words of Tupac, “Brenda’s got a baby, but Brenda’s barely got a brain.”

Check out my comedy and merch at AprilBrucker.TV

Rock Me Sexy Jesus (Hamlet 2)

I grew up in a very conservative area. In the morning, when going to school, it was not uncommon to see a prayer circle by the flag pole. There were teachers who had Bible study in their classrooms at lunch. Our school even had an unofficial youth group, Campus Life. Their leader, a white haired adult, wandered the cafeteria looking for fresh blood. Vulnerable lost souls, he would recruit them and tell them to get their friends to come to youth group. So many new recruits and there would be a pizza party.

The principal our school got half way through high school expelled him from the premises. Many of us were creeped out but long since stayed silent. After all, we didn't want the wrath of his Bible quoting parrots upon us. Later this youth group leader went to prison as a sex offender. You fill in the rest.

I still remember Renee like it was yesterday.

Our conservative school board was afraid if sex education was taught, kids would have sex. After all, this was the land of the promise ring. Translated, I promise not to have sex in your front, but we can play poker all night in your rear. So they figured if they gave us abstinence education, we wouldn't have sex let alone sex urges at all. Wet dreams and 17 Magazine quizzes were from Satan. God wanted us to stay pure. Jesus the long haired hippie who was screwing a hooker and had a rich Dad wanted this too. Oh and this socialist Jew of course would love the gay hating going on too.

At the front of the health room, there was an acrostic poem on the wall. On the white painted brick it read, BIBLE, Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. As class began, papers rattled. The goth kids began to explain there was no God, only Marilyn Manson. While the existence of God is debatable, that was a weak argument. One of the religious nuts, who later would come tumbling out of the closet, screamed that the kid wearing eye makeup was gay. That no man shall lay with another man the way he lies with a woman and blah blah blah. There were two more hours left in the day. Yet high school insecurity and people tenuously holding on to an identity know no time nor hour. 

Our teacher, the football coach, introduced Renee. A pretty blonde, she was tall and leggy like you would want her number at a bar. But under all that pretty and behind those eyes you knew was a hell of a lot of crazy. Renee told us from the bat she went to church. Oh yes, church chicks are the most horny. At least thats what my guy friends tell me now.

Renee began by telling us she saved herself for marriage. She said her mother explained sex was like M & Ms. Once you had one, you would have the entire bag. Renee opened the bag and poured them down her throat. As she did this, everyone, regardless of belief or nonbelief, stood in utter horror. Renee narrowly managed to avoid choking. 

My best friend beside me, she asked, "Did this just happen?"

"Yes." I said. 

Renee continued to tell us that her brother had just gotten married. On his wedding day, Renee told him that now he could have sex. That is when her brother apparently buried his head in his hands and told her that he had previously had sex. And he had sinned. Looking back, not only do I assume this is the weirdest brother/sister relationship ever, but this family tree was possibly a straight line.

The class ended with Renee having two girls do a skit. One being the mother and the other being the daughter. The daughter had to tell her mother she was pregnant, and the mother had to tell her daughter that her life was basically over.

Note, there was no talk of the man having any responsibility whatsoever. No talk of adoption. Not even exploring abortion. It was the woman who sinned and now she was having a baby. Ironically Kally James, my sworn enemy was the girl in the sketch. A talented artist, she decided she hated me and regularly called me a slut. Meanwhile she was sleeping with a set of twins who were the class ahead of us. Because Renee was so busy slut shaming and not talking about responsibility, Kally would continue to have sex with both boys without the use of condoms, because keeping condoms meant you intended to sin. 

Needless to say, Kally had to drop out a year later when she got pregnant and had a baby. Did I mention my high school had the highest teen pregnancy rate in the area? Yeah, so Renee didn't teach me how to put a condom on, but in a pinch I can throw a baby in a dumpster.

Years later, I consider myself a sex positive feminist. My message affirms all women are beautiful in all sizes, as long as they are physically and emotionally healthy. I also know safe sex isn't about slut shaming or abstinence but having sex with someone you feel safe with. 

My current book is really funny. It explores my fear of being naked in public. The photos are rather steamy and I will admit it was fun to put together. Sadly, there are no M & Ms. That being said, do you think I should send Renee a copy? 

To buy go to:

https://www.amazon.com/April-Unwrapped-Naked-Dreams-Revealed/dp/0984208577