Baby Love (Regina)

It is spring again and the birds are out. It means love is in the air, kind of. The creepy men are out and about. I had a few strangers whistle at me from their trucks. I always get mixed feelings about this. One third of me, the feminist, is turned off. I want to tell them about my NYU degree, not that the piece of paper makes me much money. The other part of me is insecure, the fat girl who was asked out as a joke, and is scared by the male attention. The third part of me is enthralled, intrigued, and wants to jump in the front seat of the truck.

The guys across the street from me play a mean game of B-Ball. Usually they are mixed in age. Some of the young guys look older from far away. Much of me fears mistaking the young for old and treading on dangerous legal territory. A former high school classmate of mine is on a sex offender registry for distributing kiddie porn. I don't want to join him for thinking a 15 year old was 21. Not that the 15 year old will mind. Still, me paying at McDonalds. I want him to disappoint me and be of legal age, thank you very much.

There is a part of me aching for a guy. It is strange because it has been forever and a day since I had one. I also like to have a fling that begins in spring. My Tony Manero was the last fling I had in the spring. He was two years ago. I remember the whole thing started out so good. I really liked him and he really liked me. Then I found out the hasbeen was using me to revive his flagging career. It really hurt when I found out. My mother tells me I should be flattered. Meanwhile, it hurt. I have been abused and misled enough in matters of the heart. I have blogged enough about it for people to know. I didn't deserve the using that he did. I hope he chokes everytime he plays an old person resort, or knows I am climbing to new heights.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't know how to talk to a guy. I watch the guys in the court across the street from me, and wave shyly. They think I am some weirdo in jeans and a ball cap, and probably are discussing a plan of action because they think I am armed and dangerous like the Lifetime Movies I watch. My mom keeps trying to get me to join EHarmony. I am not sure I am ready to die just yet. She also tried to get me to hit on a husky man in an elevator. Is this what my life has sunk to?

There are several hot guys I have my eyes on. One goes to my church. He always goes to the mass after mine. Always with his family, too. I don't think he knows I am alive. And if he does, he probably thinks I look like a drip. It has been cold so I am not especially dressy for church. Still, he is cute. Is it wrong to check out men is church? It's sinning, not winning.

Then another is a friend of mine. Things got crazy between us a year ago. He has a girlfriend he is always on the rocks with. Plus he is a Cancer. Both the already committed and crab say run. But things got gray in a way neither one of us were prepared for. Plus he was a Mac Daddy back in the day. I was rather shy, actually. However, since then I had one ex go nuts over me, and one ex's wife go cukoo for coca puffs. Can there be two Mac Daddy's under one roof?

The third is a fella on the West Coast. I didn't like him when we met. Actually, I thought he was a prick.But like fungus he grew on me. I actually hope to see him again. I dream about him being a better kisser than both the guy at church and my friend.

The fourth is someone I chat with quite a bit. He knows who he is. This chico is a mover, shaker, and a dancer. I don't know if he likes me like that or as just a friend. Plus he is kind of a ladies man. Still, he is a McCutie. Plus a lot of the girls like him and the competition is weird. They have good things I don't, like they go for it.

Either way, my super Spooky Juice is not giving up just yet. He gave me some money to buy a leather dress and gave me a suitcase. He gives me a kiss every time he sees me. Spooky reminded me this is our month. He also remembers the first outfit he saw me in. Spooky reads my blog quite a bit.

Then again, so does the crazy concubine of my ex who hates my guts and probably has a voodoo doll of me. She was actually off my case for a few months because apparently she was getting professional help. But I guess that failed like her whole life. Last Sunday she called me 16 times and hung up. At this point in my life I don't get annoyed. I don't get angry because God already hates her. Instead I gently ask, "Shouldn't George be sexually disappointing you on his beautiful Sunday?"

She has scaled back, only calling me 3-4 times under her blocked number. Maybe she is beginning to admit it to herself. She wants me. She wants to lick me and suck me like a chocolate Cadberry Easter Egg. I know I am sexy, Baby. Hey, if it were between me and this ex, I would want to go to bed with me too. Can't blame the girl. Still, she should ask me out on a proper date instead of being creepy. Oh, she is acting like some of the men who send me fan mail. (Note: Most are good. But there was one dude who mentioned seeing me on Netflix and undressing me with his eyes. Thank God for a PO Box).

Or better yet, maybe she should feed her cat who is probably forced to forage for itself. Or walk some dogs or something cause that is what she does in between drug binges. Better yet, practice with her band that no one goes to see. Yeah, so if you are gonna ask me out baby do it. But don't come dressed like me. And don't come with the blood red hair. Both are weird.

Yeah, my life is high drama. Either an ex is stalking me or an ex's bitch is stalking me because he lets the retard out of her cage. Can't I get a normal boyfriend? In the words of the mother in As Good As It Gets, "Honey, there is no such thing."

So now I think of it. I have had a fiance and that failed. Then I had a boyfriend who was a lawyer who turned out to be a liar. After him I had an almost boyfriend who was waaaayyyy too clingy but worked for a famous dude. After him, I had a friend who wanted more and just wouldn't stop and that ended our friendship. Oh, and then I had Holden who I am kinda sorta still in love with. After him was Tony. And now I don't know.

Men are like dogs. They slobber, drool, and you have to bathe them. They also demand constant attention. I have a DVD taping in less than two weeks. I have shit to do.

On the other hand, most of my fans are male. They enjoy my sexy pics. Did I mention I love guys?



Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com


Come see me April 22nd @ 7pm
Metropolitan Room
34 W. 22nd st. 

The Importance of Friends

I have been going through some things lately. Aside from a busy schedule that is the bi-product of my dreams coming true (although I find myself falling asleep easily at night), there has been something else that has been bothering me. What I am talking about is the jealousy factor in this industry. When you start to see a little success the claws come out from those around you. Some of it is on a smaller scale. Some of it is on a drastic scale.

Lately I have been dealing with a psychotic female admirer. She has been the pebble in my shoe for years. Her name is Ms. Wannabe. I hate having to talk about her much less write about her. This woman has been nothing but a negative attention seeking pest. Actually I prefer the term bitch. Truth be told, she is only sober for about an hour a day if that. Without completely taking her inventory, it is an act of God that I haven't beaten her head in for as much as she has tormented me. I know I shouldn't take her personally. She is an alcoholic and drug addict who's life only gets worse as her boyfriend enables her. But it's kinda hard not to get pissed when she calls and hangs up all the damn time blocking her number.

Anyway enough about the skank. 

I saw an old friend of mine yesterday from the comedy world. She hasn't been performing as much because she is going through a rough patch in her life. We talked about the mic world. My friend-who is quite funny-humbly stated that she hoped she would never become too grandiose for open mics. I joked that I have become too grandiose for mics. It is true, my ego is too big to pay five dollars a pop to follow my dream. Plus I have spent a small fortune paying for stage time. We talked about the downside of mics and how it was good to get stuff out but some mics had their own culture that was very anti-woman. However my friend pointed out that if one hated a mic, they had the option of finding another. It was not the end of the world.

I ended up pouring my heart out to my friend about how I felt shunned at mics once things started happening for me. And how it seemed suddenly I was the bad guy because so many of these people seemed allergic to achievement. My friend pointed out that when a person gets successful, it is not easy for everyone. I explained I had drifted away from mic land because I was busy doing other things like for a while I was producing web content. My buddy explained that again, my success would not be easy for some people. She said that there are people in this world who think things are handed to people. She explained while she knew I worked hard for my success, to some people it might seem it was just handed to me which is far from the truth. 

I told her about how I had to deal with sexism and hate from all angles back in the day. My friend explained that those people don't see that, and they only see their own shit. And that their jealousy was more about them than myself. That I couldn't expect everything to be happy for me. Oh and she joked that from 1989-2002 she too was a hater. And as an ex hater she could attest that you don't know what someone else goes through to get where they are.My buddy was right. My former friends didn't see the blood, sweat, tears, and hard work. 

Then I told my friend about the chick stalking me. About how my success is just too much for her. My friend pointed out that she has a drug problem and a boyfriend who enables her. She said, "You don't want her life, do you? Her life sounds terrible, April." I told her no. At that moment I felt sympathy for Ms. Wannabe. If anything she is a very sick woman who is crying for attention. As she openly brags about her drinking and drug use it is just a feeble cry for help from a troubled young woman. Then my friend pointed out, "There will always be haters, April."

I bid my friend goodbye and felt better. The night was spent with me sending emails about my book, interview questions to a writer friend of mine, and more emails about a pilot project I am a part of. Just then the phone rang. I got not one but three blocked calls from guess who? Ms. Wannabe, everyone's favorite professional victim. I ended up calling another friend of mine who is like a mom. Well she was with her young grandkids who were fighting and having a bad day. She snapped, "There is nothing I can do about it and I am sick of hearing about her." I stammered and my friend explained, "I am having a bad day too, April. Just ignore her. That is the best you can do!" And she slammed down the phone. 

Why didn't my friend validate my bullshit and insight me to bash the head in of my hater? Then I realized it's what I needed to hear. I had to stop giving this real life version of a puss filled pimple attention. Since she has decided to start harassing me again, I have been on her facebook page more than I would like to be to see if I was in mortal danger. I have been on her blog lately to see if I was in danger as well or to see if she would make threats. Most of it has been annoying, whining statuses and second rate musings of an overgrown, petulant child. Of course she bitches and moans about me in many. Apparently I am delusional and have an overblown ego. As I wanted to jump through the computer screen and strangle her I realized my friend was right. Because this young woman was renting space in my head and I was on her social media (which is pitiful), I was being sucked into her world and giving her more energy than she deserved. Thus as she was becoming obsessed with me I was becoming obsessed with her.So once again I blocked her tuning her out, not feeding in. 

The last thing I saw on her page was a disturbing video where it looked like she was nodding off. She was pale and looked possibly like she was shooting heroin or something. While she has been nothing but horrid to me, this makes me ill. Drug addiction, especially on women, is unforgiving. It is also a path that ultimately leads to death. I don't wish the yets she is about to encounter on anyone. The sad thing is, I understand more than anyone in the world what it is like to be alone in an abusive relationship and to feel so isolated. My first instinct is to reach out and help someone like that actually. Tell them the ex girlfriend is not worth going to jail over. I remember being that jealous and foaming at that mouth. Then I realize more than anything in the world this creature doesn't deserve my hate but my pity. She is sick, very sick. Hopefully she finds some sort of spirituality or else her mother may end up burying her. It's not over dramatic. It;s the reality of addiction.

Just then I got another blocked call on my phone. I remembered both my friends reminding me that there would always be hater and how I just had to ignore her. The phone rang and that was it. I also figured it was late anyway. I turned off my phone and turned in for the evening. Translated from middle school, she could talk to my hand cause the face don't give a damn. With that, I had a laugh about this woman who was obviously on a middle school level and had a good night.

Bottom line: A friend is someone who tells you how it is when you need to hear it. They also let you know that most of the time for as seriously as you take your shit, it ain't that serious.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

www.aprilbrucker.com