Rainbow in the Dark (Dio)

I have had a hellacious last month and a half. Between family shit and work, I just haven't gotten a break. My grandfather died Thanksgiving Day. Now I hate the holiday. On top of that, Thanksgiving was shiteous anyway so it was only the icing on top of the cake called Fuckery. Work has been a nonstop avalanche of well work, uncertainty, delays, bullshit, crazy running around, and always more that needs to be done that never stops. Just paid my rent so I am now officially financially insecure. I feel like there is a big, fat, smelly woman-900 pounds, sitting on my stomach. Too bad she keeps farting.

This morning I was close to just jumping into traffic. There is so much uncertainty with the career right now. I have all these irons in the fire. The scary thing is, none may materialize for as hard as I am working. This worries me. Sleep goes from impossible or something I binge on. My dreams are okay but waking up, shit, real world. Fuck the real world. One family member whom things have been uneasy with because they are who they are asked what I was going to do if none of this happened. I wanted to tell them shoot them and shoot myself. It's an easy answer. But I didn't get around to it. Instead I should have thanked them for the kick in the stomach and apologized for the vomit spewing everywhere because I am already so nauseous from nerves. Hell, I live on Ginger Ale.

I won't know about some of these things until the new year. Okay, whatever. It means I need to keep working. I feel too tired to do shit. My apartment is a fucking mess. Oh well. The other part of it is I don't know what I want right now.

There is a part of me that wants a writing job for a TV show which would mean financial security. It would be cush, I could work from home, and have to deal with no one. The other part of me wants to really do standup again, as in tour. The visit to my sister in Nashville made me realize how much I miss touring and seeing the world. Since being on TV, I have been going more that direction. If I tour this time it will be theatres, not the fucking clubs where performers, especially women, are paid peanuts and treated like indentured servants. I also want to see more of the South and the West, as opposed to the cold north. Maybe even Europe. I also want to do more TV stuff too. Maybe get on a show, be a talking head and get good money. Maybe films. I have so many things in place that I am being pulled a million different directions and no one is answering the door. I want to shake the Magic 8 Ball.

However, despite the fear and bewilderment I feel the last twenty four hours have shown promise that things are getting better. I am doing a better job controlling the things I can. I got onstage even though I had to pay for it. I killed for an open mic. I also felt like I was rusty and spoiled in a way only booked shows do. I have been making lots of videos, almost daily. Some are good, some are smart, some, I don't know. I have been writing a lot.

Despite feeling so anxious and lost this morning, I had the feeling that it was going to be okay. Once my rent was paid the weight was off my shoulders. I know things are going to be as they are. My dreams are coming true, and when people give you a career they expect you to work. This is stressful but it is called life. I have responsibilities, which is part of having a JOB. I paid my bills like an adult, and work is coming in which means I will have money shortly. This is all called life, and it is simply happening to me now.

My mother suggested going somewhere other than my apartment to write. She fractured some ribs falling from our attic. We just got off the phone. Despite her physical ordeal she has a good sense of humor. I must remember when in times of great stress, I search for both God, but also the punchline. Pandora had her shithow but she still had hope. It is raining, but the sun comes out sooner or later.

There is always a rainbow in the dark

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Rainbow in the Dark (Ronnie James Dio)

I have been hitting a rough patch lately that is physical, financial, and spiritual. For starters, old injuries of mine have been acting up due to the ongoing inclement weather. Financial, April was a hard month and I have been the most broke I have been in a while. Between Easter and Passover falling on one weekend, being injured, and then things just being as they are it has been hard. Spiritual, when you are broke and hurting and hobbling about as your phone is not ringing and nothing is getting better, it's hard to talk about how good life is. Especially when it is raining outside.

Last Thursday, after an event I attended, I had a mini breakdown that was both physical and psychological in some ways. A lot of it was the old injuries were so oppressive that all I could do was barely walk, and they hurt so badly I just started crying. That Friday I couldn't kickbox so I took myself on a date. Saturday I was in so much physical pain that I slept for sixteen hours, and had a sinus headache on top of that. It felt good to get up Sunday, go to church, and then go for a swim. I also selected an independent editor for my book. Then Monday I started cramping up again. Tuesday I sent some emails and no one got back to me. Plus I was just such a physical mess that I forgot my credit cards at home and so much for grocery shopping. Plus some video things I was supposed to do, well I messed them up.

On top of that, my grandfather has been very sick. Truth is, is that my Pop Pop is a spry guy when he is well. Hearing stories of him telling my mom and aunts and uncles about where he was buried was just beyond depressing. Yes he is ninety three and sick, but he is still my Pop Pop. While he is currently on the upswing, Monday night/Tuesday morning my mom was freaking out because he had to be checked into the hospital.

Wednesday, I had the ultimate meltdown. Life was starting to be too fucking much. The worst thing was a guy I dated who was being mean to me when we dated is doing well. It's one more thing to add to the proverbial suck-o-meter.

Plus while work offers were coming in sort of, I hadn't heard from my boss at the telegram company. Something happened a few weeks ago with a client who pulled mad shade. While I have since seemingly redeemed myself, maybe I had gotten another complaint. Not to mention no one was getting back to me as fast as I wanted them too.

Suddenly, as I was as grizzled as I was, the phone rang. My boss. There was someone interested in booking me. Then another company I worked for. Someone also interested in booking me. While both are pending they are a good start and proof that the people I work for don't hate me.  The phone rings again, I booked a pilot Saturday. Then the email thing on my cell pinged, people for a show I have been fighting to be a part of want to see me today. Not to mention the independent editor returned my emails and yipee, she is starting on my book.

There might even be some writing jobs and comedy bookings on the horizon so I am excited about that.


Plus this morning I was jogging along, first time I have done that in weeks, and saw Tim Tebow on a poster whom I have taken a photo with. I saw an addy for Rachael Ray cupcakes, have been on her show. Saw Alexander Wang on a store window, I have delivered a singing telegram to him. Went passed Standup NY, used to be a part of a weekly show there. Point is, although it does not feel like it the universe is conspiring in my favor. It always has.

I know life is like the Wheel of Fortune Card in Tarot. What goes up goes down goes up again. I think I am starting to swing up. For the first time in almost two weeks I woke up not in pain. The sun was shining and life seems okay. I think things are starting to turn around which makes me feel better.They say the only way to get through it is to go through it, part of me wants to say screw that but we all know it's true.

Anyway, I am feeling better and think I will be more positive. I owe my fans that much. Either way, I think the worst is over and it only gets better from here. Can't wait for the release of my ebook, my film to go to festivals, my pilot to get picked up, a chance to be a part of this new show and everything else. Love, April