Making My Own Standards

I am an outspoken woman. I am a political activist in addition to everything else I do. I seek to end bullying, homophobia, and domestic violence. I seek to also end violence against women. I seek to end hate of any kind. I seek to change the world. I seek to end all wrongs. Every sentence starts with "I" which means yes, there is much ego to all my causes. I seek also to get rights for those suffering from HIV and those who are marginalized such as drug addicts. Yes, I believe addiction is a disease naysayers. Science proves my point.

So what I am saying dudes is, sorry, won't be making you a sandwich anytime soon. Won't be joining you and your boys for a poker night. Won't be the decoration on your arm that doesn't talk that you will get to fuck later. Sorry fellas, I have better things to do than be your maid that doubles as your whore.

It amazes me how despite the advances women have made sexism is alive and well. Whether it is the men who seek to redefine rape because of a selfish pro-life agenda, or whether it is the women who back them just to belong to the so called boys club. Or sometimes it is guys saying women take things too personally, such as a remark about sexual assault or music where violence against women is glorified. The members of this boys club say when women get offended, they lose their power. However, when we sit back and let this speech occur, we find ourselves as victims and wonder why and how this happened in the first place. We get upset when Chris Brown hits Rihanna, yet when rappers speak about "smacking a ho" they make millions of dollars a minute.

I was told when I started comedy that being a woman was a strike against me. I never believed it until I saw some television time. The first to say it wasn't fair that I was getting ahead were the so called guys who had been what I now loosely term as friends. According to them, I was sleeping around to advance my career. They said it was wrong I was getting the television time I was. There were women who also took joy in ripping me down. It hurt, but it was pathetic on their part because they wanted to establish themselves as members of the club that badly. Either way, I never realized what a detriment it was to be born a woman until I walked into a club and was bumped my several (male) headliners just because they could. I have never gotten over the sting. While I have not left comedy per se, we have been strange bedfellows for a while. Sure, they can't ban me but in many ways I have been exiled for doing my business the way I do. However, ironically, if I were a man I would be a genius and a folk hero.

The same double standard exists within the ventriloquist community. I remember being badmouthed on several message boards by white, Christian, older, men who claimed I was abusing their art form to further my career. They believed trash printed by those who hated me on a tabloid. Of course one woman came on as sort of an apologist in my court but she was quickly ripped down by the majority. Several of these so called Christians have been vocal about me not being welcome at the ventriloquist events. Granted, I don't think my puppets would be welcome. One is gay. Another is a former drug addict turned Christian who tried to kill her boyfriend and won't repent. Another is a slut. Of course there is the Christian puppet in my collection that was successful in killing her husband. Another is a drunk. The list goes on. Maybe they aren't Godly puppets, but however, they prove a bigger point. The point is that addicts deserve compassion like anyone else, and sluts and gays are a member of our world. Actually slut is a terrible word that seeks to marginalize women. I prefer the word sexually free.

Same in the writing world. Because I do not speak the same victimese many women memoir writers do, I am not welcome on many a women's panel. I do not let the terrible things that have happened in my life define me, that would give the male world the freedom to knock me down. I also find that because I do not wallow in the low self-worth many women writers do, I find I have no support behind them. Fine, I don't write about feelings or the stupidity of emotion. At the same time, I have had many male writers put me in my so called place for the way I published by book. Apparently this makes me less of a writer. Last time I checked Mensa never endorsed their books. Last time I checked they weren't in the collection of any Ivy League Schools. So I suppose this makes me the odd one out at dinner, the guest no one invited on the list that accidentally showed up because she saw the flier for the party.

When I directed my music video for "Stay" I based the character I played not only off the libel written about me, but also off of Calypso the Cave Witch. She was the demi-goddess who had imprisoned Odysseus in her cave to be her lover forever, until Zeus demanded he be released. I loved Calypso because not enough was written about her, but also because she seduced and spit out men at her leisure. Helen of Troy, the great beauty of the time, was one who had men fighting over her. Calypso never saw the need. It was just business. Time to move on. Would she be considered a slut? Hell if I no. Either way, the character is based off of her. Everyone who has seen the video loves it, male and female.

As a woman why should I not give myself the place of power and purposefulness in my work regardless of the medium? When I write songs, why should they have to be begging some man to stay? When I do comedy, why should I whine about wanting a man or how they treat me? When I write, why should I whine about wanting a husband? Why should I whine? Why should I put myself in the place of subservient victim? Why should I not come out from a place of strength and power?

This may turn some off to my work because they do not like me as a person or my so called agenda. That is fine. I might offend some. That is fine. I might not fit into the little mold called woman. That is fine. I might not have my career handed to me like those who follow the rules. Even better, I shatter your boxes and refuse to follow your rules.

I have gotten as far as I have without the help of any man or woman. Perhaps it is some greater power that wants me to succeed. Or maybe not. Either way, if you like me support me. If not, good luck to you and go fuck yourself. I am making my own standards and am changing the world.


xoxoxo
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook, also through Brown and NYU Books
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Summer
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Ali Fornay Center

All Apologies (Nirvana)

A few days ago I wrote a blog post about how I not only had been in an abusive relationship, but also survived and turned my life around. I didn’t do this to speak the victimese many writers and women’s activists do, but rather to make myself visible to a young woman, any young woman, who needed to hear that it was possible to have a life after dating violence. That they didn’t deserve to be belittled by anyone, man or woman (domestic violence happens in lesbian relationships as well). My reason for telling my story was to let people know that they were responsible for how they let others treat them. That also, we pick our partners, etc.

In my journey as an activist, I have gotten lots of responses in my sharing about my past as a dating violence survivor. The comedy has gotten laughs, which is the goal. But also, it has made me visible. It has gotten other young women to speak to me about their experiences. Of course there have been the gamut of male bookers who have accused me of being bitter. I laugh and give a shout out to the good dudes. How does that make me bitter? Of course there are those insistent that because I speak out on behalf of women I am either a man hater or a lesbian, or a lesbian man hater. Contrary to what those Neanderthals believe, most lesbians don’t hate men. It’s those of us forced to date them that despise them most. Finally there are those dudes who say, “Get over it.” Translated, I struck a nerve. Believe it or not that is the goal of every activist. So when I hear, “Get over it,” I know someone was made to look at his own behavior and didn’t like it. Note, never in any of my exchanges do I say I hate men. This is just a classic example of uninformed idiots putting words in the mouth of a woman with opinions.

The disturbing response I got this week was from some rando who felt the need to hijack my fan page. He told me I made some “accusations” against my ex, and technically if I could not back this up he could sue me for libel. And that I better play it safe and take the blog down and never again blog about my experience. Wait a minute…Why do I have to stand accused? Why do I have to prove my ex did these terrible things to me? Why are they even being called accusations? Oh and here is the best part, I didn’t use his name. So there is no law suit. I am a lawyer’s kid, I know about the law. This moron, on the other hand, was just a man who wanted to hear himself talk.

This feedback in particular upset me because I have no reason to lie about surviving dating violence. I have no pathological reason to make up a story about being stalked unless I am just that desperate to get back at him which I am not. I am also not that desperate for attention. A stalker is not a fiend of convience let me tell you. If anything, they threaten your safety to the point you have to change your routine. An abusive ex is not something you make up either. Instead, when you are with them you make up excuses about why you continue to stay and feed into the codependent cycle you have created together. Yes, a shit relationship is not an I project but a we project.

 That is not what made me most pissed. What a comment like this does as it not just puts me in a place that I have to be an apologist but it does this to all victims. It puts us in a place where we are standing with our backs against the wall and the proverbial gun to our heads. It puts us in a place of blame. Then when we dare speak out it makes us as if we are the architects of our misery. Of course it is basically telling us that we are bitter. Bitter is the wrong word. We are honest. It tells us we are at fault. Yes, we picked our partners. Yes, we chose to stay whether it was eight months or eight years. But eventually we chose to leave.

What was most outrageous, aside from the fact this obvious chauvinist put me in a place where I had to defend myself, was he suggested I take the blog down as not to cause anymore trouble. I endured a year of hell and two more years of a stalker who terrorized me, stalked me by-proxy, and harassed the men I dated. I invested in a separate mailing address just to keep myself safe. My mother had his name on the refrigerator in case I disappeared. Even during the stalking I was nothing but a lady. I didn’t respond to the behavior. While I didn’t feed into him, it killed me inside. Despite the fact he was a master manipulator, I did love the man at one point. So yes I have been to hell thank you very much!

I thought about ripping into that moron for his feedback about my “accusations,” as if I were making them up. For putting me on trial, as if I would be breaking my ass doing all the activism I do because apparently I just have mental problems, the ability to lie, and too much time on my hands. Of course then there is my activism, I only do that because I have nothing else to do as well and just want something to whine about. So I guess what I have really wasted page space saying was, “Go to hell, asshole.”

I thought about how to rip up this idiot with nothing to say. But instead I blocked him. So I will say this. I will speak out when it comes to violence against women. On the matter of dating violence, I will continue to tell people about the psychological and physical dangers. In addition, I will also continue to speak out on behalf of stalking victims and the enforcement of stalking laws. As well, I will continue to champion victim’s rights because they have none. I will also continue to be open, honest, and willing to be visible.  Yes, if you haven’t figured it out I will continue….

I am sorry if my identity causes some people discomfort. I am sorry if some men don’t like the fact I came through hell at the hands of one of their own and am doing amazingly well as a feminist and independent woman. I am sorry if some women who have been married to the only man I ever dated forever think I just need to lighten up. I am sorry my presence is such an abhoration to some people. I am sorry that I have been successful despite the fact so many people wrote me off because some guy was busy beating my head in. I am sorry….

But on that note if this is the way you feel please do not watch me on TV, I am afraid I will turn to stone. Please don’t buy my books, I don’t need your money laced with prejudice and sexism. While you are at it, please don’t support me in any way. Really, many more who want to support me will. Many more who need to see me and hear me will. I don’t need you, so please don’t….

I said my peace. Some will agree. Some will disagree. At the end of the day not much has changed since Amelia Earhardt. How incredibly sad….

 

xoxoxo
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook, also through Brown and NYU Books
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Summer
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to Ali Fornay Center