Dear 2017

Dear 2017,

I am writing you kind of late. You were one of those years that was interesting to say the least. There were times you humiliated me beyond words. Yet those humiliations also made me reach into the stars and beyond, as you not only challenged my comfort zone but made me do things I never dreamed I could do.

There were some extreme disappointments. There were opportunities that fell through my hands like sand on a beach in a lesser Florida Key that I should have had. There were times I was passed over like an obscure government air field for things that should have been mine but there was simply a better landing pad elsewhere. And then those who got the things that should have been mine.....well......maybe it was theirs.

There was love that at times slipped away in various forms. There was the betrayal of a friend break up that still feels like a stab in the gut. There was the mentally ill former partner who's lies and deception still sting like an open wound, yet I am ashamed I still care as he struggles with both addiction and war related PTSD. There were the pharisees who claim to care for us both but smile with a gleam in their eyes as they are attacking two vulnerable people with the deadly sword of gossip and moral superiority. And then there are those who don't understand the dark and lonely road someone like myself is both destined and damned to travel as an activist, advocate, and friend of domestic violence survivors, queer people, and those who are HIV/AIDS positive.

Yet at the same time I really did fly in certain ways. I developed a one woman show that showcased at APAP. Although the woman I showcased for was a different story, I was invited to do a run of my quality product on Theatre Row. The show ran there twice more and both times was a success. The Lady and President Tramp also was nearly sold out at The Duplex and we were invited back there. Each time I polished the show and my work as a ventriloquist and puppeteer. I brainstormed, added a piano player, and learned what it really was to create, produce, and perform my own work. It nearly killed me each time, but like a good addict I always wanted more.

The Lady and President Tramp also made it's first festival. For most of my life, I have felt like I was the proverbial red headed step child as I am rejected for festivals like a desperate girl who wants a prom date. The festival not only taught me a lot, but Solocom was a ton of fun for lack of better phrasing.

I also built a bridge and got over myself. For years I have struggled with myself. It has been the patriarchy's image of what I should be coupled by the throngs of abusive men pervading my life and what was supposed to be my safe space. In the traditional sense, I have never been "beautiful" or "good enough." I shattered that by releasing April Unwrapped. I hope in challenging what it is to be "beautiful" and "good enough" I helped women everywhere. That is my goal. In a world of Miss American pageants and women presidents, we are forced to be one thing or another as society makes us one dimensional creatures. I hope April Unwrapped challenging what it is to be naked and vulnerable challenges all of that.

In that spirit I also released other merchandise, kicking it in the face of the former fiance who told me I was ugly and no one would ever want me. And I hope in doing that, not only did I challenge the stereotype of youth and beauty, but made other women in other places feel good enough as they are.

Most importantly, I invested in myself. I began taking acting class again with an amazing teacher. For years after college, it was my fear to go back as I was always the student that either hit it out of the park or missed. And I have had too many teachers afraid of my creativity and original thinking that many sadly did not embrace my gifts and imagination. Rather, I had several try to stifle it. Sure there were those who encouraged but when society forces you to be one dimensional it's hard to embrace someone who has many dimensions to them.

However, I found this experience to be wonderful. My teacher creates his own work and my classmates are amazing beings full of inspiration. Most importantly, I think I have also grown up and don't take feedback so personally. I also know that as I invest in myself, my accomplishments have not disappeared. I also do not view myself as a pathetic master of the universe, a way I saw myself at 19.

I also was in The Onion Workshop which changed my attitudes not only towards comedy writing, but a certain comedy school. I stopped viewing these students and teachers as part of the problem but people who loved comedy like I did. These were comrades, not people with conflicting interest. In the end, we are all trying to get to the same place........success with our writing packets.

And then there was the leadership position I look in the haunted house as "tent mom." While I was not head puppeteer per se, it became obvious as I was the most skilled as I have operated many different kinds of puppets. This was a pleasure as I mastered the full body puppet Priscilla and kept a tent full of less experienced, enthusiastic and sometimes overwhelmed performers from losing their minds. I was captain and they were my Star Fleet. I know, self-aggrandizing. However, my growth and all the road blocks I encountered made me worthy to rise to this occasion. If this is what adulthood can look like I was all for it. Did I mention our show made The New York Times?

I also applied and decided to go to graduate school. I secured the funding on my own. Antioch's Low Residency MFA program has proven to be wonderful for me. I love my teachers and I love my classmates. Most of all I love the investment in myself. I also love that this is a terminal degree and I can teach at the college level someday. But most of all, I love the fact that my teachers create their own work and carry the message of social justice, and are also not threatened by my need to have a unique, original voice. The next two years are going to be amazing. I know the program has only started but I was so beside myself when this first residency ended.

There are those who support me, and there are those that don't. In the end the only thing that matters is I have myself in my corner and I don't give the devil an audience. The devil is the voice of my doubters, doubters who need to be muffled.

I look forward to a lifetime as a student of the world. On the outside, I might be a pinup who refers to herself as a puppet mother. However, consider me a harbinger of change. I have no husband, but rather am married to the revolution. My puppets are my children as are the people I lead to freedom. With all your challenges, and I used that word quite a bit, you made me grow into the skin I was always meant to have. You are making me into the woman you always wanted me to be.

In 2017, I became APRIL.

So 2018, I am here for you. Bring it on, Sugar Pie!

xoxoxo
April
Support My Journey

New Year's Eve

Today is New Year's Eve. The holidays are almost over which is a good thing. I really didn't get to experience them this year because work was so busy. However, it was nice to see my family. Both my mother's parents-my material grandparents-died this year. This was the first Christmas without my grandparents. My mom soldiered through. People tell her that she had her dad, my Pop Pop, for almost 96 years. Yes she did but it still sucks. She had her mom for 88. It still sucks. It sucked not going to my grandparents house and seeing their squirrel named Jinx. To give you an idea, the thing looked like a ground hog. When asked how it got so big my Pop Pop said, "Leftover meals on wheels."

This year has been many shades. Careerwise with the writing it has been good. My book was rated a Must Read by Mensa. NYU and Brown were kind enough to make it a part of their collections. I did a signing event at Brown during graduation weekend. Skipper and Wendell, who wrote a comic book on genetics, shared the stage with me that weekend. It was something nice I could do with my family. I also completed my audiobook. My sound engineers are still having nightmares because I sound like a redneck chipmunk who took a puff on the meth pipe before she reads. I also really got carried away and made some new videos. I became a regular blogger for the Huffington Post. Oh and I even did a book signing event in my hometown and spoke to my old high school. And I took on the head writer, executive producer, and talent role all in one on several projects. And I am taking huge steps with the musical version of my book. Oh and I was in the reading of a cool new play, on Wendy Williams, and got recognized by fans on the street. Also began work with the Gotham Comedy Foundation. Things were good.

In other ways this year had it's challenges. Not everyone can appreciate success when it comes to hard work. There were several people who proved to be spiritual challenges in my path. One was the current girlfriend of an ex of mine who tortured me relentlessly this year. I won't go into detail because why. She is sober for about an hour a day if that. Truth: I gave her too much energy and let me make me so angry that I got sick to my stomach. No one is worth that much energy. I ran into several people like that this year.

I also got into a street fight this summer. To make a long story short a crazy man grabbed me and I hit him. Like Son of Sam, I experienced several weeks of rage. However, he had a history of this behavior towards women in my neighborhood. Suffice to say, my ninja skills scared him to another block. (More like I stepped on his toe, spit on him, and ran). Still it brought back memories of the psychotic fiance I had when I was younger. After again getting so sick I thought I was going to implode from anger, I realized again, no one was worth my peace of mind.

I also cleaned up my diet this year. Some of it was because as I get older, it's important I eat well. Some of it is my grandmother lost her battle to diabetes this year. And some of it is I like extreme sports. Instead of take out I am grocery shopping. Turns out you save money that way.

While I look forward to 2014, I am weary. I have a lot on the burner. Some of the burners could light. Some of them could burn out. All of them could light. All of them could burn out. I have been in this spot before where they all burned out. I don't know what is next for me careerwise and am kind of nervous. I have done a few nice auditions, submitted some packets, the works. I am ready for the next thing. It is stressful though. If none of it happens, I don't know what I will do. I am just scared shitless. I will not lie. I am also kind of excited. It probably won't be all fire works but won't end in disaster. Still my mind always goes to disaster. But it will be fun to see what the next adventure is. Fear and excitement are always the lanterns guiding us in the cave of the unknown.

I know living in fear isnt the answer but it is the easy thing to do. Maybe I need to shower, do some grocery shopping, and hope Baby New Year has big ears.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

Lessons I Learned in 2012

1. I had a TV show that was being pitched that didn't go forward. This has happened to me for the mteenth time. Truth of the matter is, for as upset as I was, I learned a lot from the experience. I learned that while it almost happened but didn't, I am almost there and that's what happened.

2. I left a post at a company I was at because things were starting to be unfair. While it was tempting to bad mouth my former bosses, I didnt. They taught me a lot, gave me a platform to be myself, and proved I could produce a weekly webshow on the regular. No experience is wasted if you use it wisely, bottom line.

3. While being an activist and standing up for what you believe in is wonderful, sometimes you need to keep your POV off of facebook. After five hours of fighting online you are "winning" like Charlie Sheen aka looking like an assweed.

4. Be where your feet are. Sometimes it is not so pleasant, but when you are there you can see that life is beautiful beyond your imagination.

5. Be happy for other people even when your life isn't going smoothly. When they get that job, that house, or that guy/girl maybe this is something they hoped and dreamed for their entire lives, and also, that accomplishment may be it for them.

6. Not everyone will be happy you succeed, and some of your so-called friends may tell you that you developed an ego when you have what is called confidence. Those so-called friends are not your friends. Don't feel any guilt in letting them go.

7. Everyone has different talents and gifts, no one has everything. So if someone drops the ball sometimes, it is not a reflection on you or them, it is life.

8. I published a book. Sometimes I still don't know how I pulled that one off. But what I do know is that I worked really hard, made the project the center of my world, and put one foot in front of the other and did the next right thing. Bottom line, it was a ton of work and nearly killed me. It was worth doing though and I am proud of myself.

9. Treat your body kindly, you only get one. Dental health especially is no joke. Don't ignore pain and hope it will go away. If it persists see a doctor. Also, thank your doctor. They work hard, study hard, and they probably won't earn a ton of money unless their loans are paid off. Most of the time they do want to help you.

10. Physical exercise is better than therapy.

11. While sleeping late is great dont make a habit of it. The world will pass you by and you'll miss out on a lot of great adventures.

12. You don't know as much as you think you do. Ask for help.

13. Don't be witty or funny at the expense of someone else. It's not humorous, it's cruel. At times you think they might think it's funny make sure you know the person well first, otherwise you might lose a good friend.

14. Respect law enforcement. This past year I had a fan stalk me. The expererience was scary, left me uneasy, and made me cry on the phone to my mother. I was so stressed I was unable to eat. Reporting the incident to the useless woman at the desk made me want to take up arms. However, when my detective called me was concerned and nothing short of lovely. He knew I was scared and did everything he could to help me. Detectives are legitimately concerned for their victims, and our men and women in uniform do their best to protect the people.

15. Know where you are going. Sometimes you cannot see the forest for the trees but it does get easier. Sometimes you just need a machete.

16. Talented and successful people are not afraid of other talented and successful people. While every organization has the so called cool kids, this isn't high school. You can be a cool kid by being yourself and doing the best job possible. I went to a friend's show at Caroline's and felt an anxious apartness because I was not "cool." Needless to say, the cool kids were not only kind to thank me for coming out and supporting, but also wanted to know more about my book and how I was publishing. Bottom line: the cool kids are people too.

17. Work hard and keep working hard. No one will make your dreams come true but you.

18. Check your ego at the door. Life is not fair. Sometimes no matter what you accomplished, there are rules you still must follow. Some people do not know who you think you are.

19. Keep setting goals and ask for feedback. Any feedback is good. Some is idiot, but there might be gold in there.

20. Entertainment is a marathon, not a sprint. And it is a marathon where the race ends in different places. Some people become standups and that's who they are. Others become actors. There are those who become writers. And then there are the folks who become agents, managers, club owners and behind the scenes folks. Of course, there is the population who uses their talents as motivational speakers etc. My point is, everyone is going in different directions. Keep your eyes on your goals. It evens out in the end, and most of the time everyone who finishes the race ends up working together.

21. My life and career are different than I thought they would be. This past year I have been on the OWN Network, have been on TV overseas, have been on TV overseas again, had a hit song on the internet, had a web show that almost got picked up, and wrote and published a book. It is not the destination but the journey that counts.

22. My friend Joe Cannava may have pushed me to write my book, but years before him my mom had asked me to do it and came up with the title. My dad is pushing me to write the musical and has scoped out my spot for my pic on the wall of Sardi's. Bottom line, parents have good ideas sometimes.

23. Technique is your friend. As a young artist I hated the idea of technique and breathing. Voice and speech were my worst classes. But now I see they are my most important. When all else fails and nerves take over or you have to sing on a special occasion, technique is all you have. And if you lose your voice you are dead. Thank you Erick Buckley, Scott Flaherty, and Jan Douglas for not choking the ever blessed life out of me. Years later I get you.

24. Do the best you can on every job. Even if it doesnt go the way you want, your hard work will open more doors.

25. Take a risk. I went into the corporate office of Barnes and Noble and gave them my book proposal. They informed me this was not usually done, but as a small press company I am now available on the website and will ultimately be in the store.

26. Treat everyone with compassion. You dont know what is going on with them.

27. No matter how much hell a former employer causes you, dont bad mouth them. It only makes you look bitter. Plus it may destroy your love for something that drives you. For a long time I was angry at the comedy club that dropped me after I put them on national television several times. As a result, it destroyed my love of comedy. I gave them too much power. Shame on me.

28. From bad comes something good. In 2009, my pilot didnt get picked up and a TV appearance fell flat. Doors slammed in my face. As a result I became a very good comedian and put away some good sets. I also became a supurb ventriloquist because I started performing on the street. In 2010, I was fired from a club I did a lot of work for and put on national televison several times. I was sort of blackballed in my own community for my "fame seeking." No matter, I made a movie, got a job as a talking head on the internet where I got PAID, got to perform for royalty and other high profile people, kept getting on TV, got my music on the radio and had an internet hit, and I wrote and published a book. None of that would have happened had I become a superstar at that dump.

29. If you want to diss someone, don't tell them off. Just pretend you don't know them. It's less drama and it hits them where it hurts. It's a trick my friend Chacho taught me. Maybe he didn't know how to stay off drugs or to stop breaking the law, but he knew that.

30. While it is nice to help the downtrotten, when someone is continully unlucky there is a reason for it. AVOID THEM!!!!

31. Always think and dream big. Never settle.

32. Always be careful what you say. My late friend Joe Cannava once told me that when I spoke people listened to me. People listen to all of us. What kind of impression do you want to leave.

33. Fresh socks and fresh underwear are your friends.

34. What a difference a shower and a good night sleep make.

35. When you fall on your ass get back up.

36. If reputation and character were to meet they would be strangers.

37. Never engage in gossip. It is character assasination and bullying. None of it is ever true. I was the subject of some terrible gossip, and someone who I had bad mouthed in the past stepped up to defend me. I am thankful they did but feel terrible. So terrible I make it my business not to trash talk.

38. A natural disaster like Sandy leaves you agitated that you are housebound. But so is everyone else, and some folks dont have power. Make the best of it. Because as always there are people who have it worse.

39. The only way around feelings is to talk through them.

40. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

41. Sometimes part of being an adult is doing adult things, like Jury Duty. Don't try to get out of it. If anything, it gives you more respect for the judicial system and the lawyers who work there. Also, it is like a bad open call and there is always drama. FREE SHOW!

42. Vote, vote, and vote again. Your voice counts, and you have no right to complain unless you cast a ballot.

43. Politics-unless the person is named Adolf Hitler or David Duke-do not define them. It takes many ideas-not just yours-to make the world go around.

44. Life is too short to hold a grudge. Anger causes cancer and is time consuming.

45. Once someone shows you their ass write them off.

46. Dont be afraid to make friends who are different than you. They have perspective and knowledge that you dont.

47. Hate only releases more hate, so when hate speech starts leave the room. It will only put you in  a bad mood.

48. When someone's life is continually chaotic, it means they are addicted to it and don't desire change. Run before they consume you.

49. If you meet someone once and don't like them, you might mee them years later and like them. People do change, and some of it might be you.

50. Being a part of an awards show is a privlege, not a right. You are enjoying what a person worked their whole life for. It is not just about a chance to party.

51. Family may drive you crazy, but in the end they will be the first ones there when things are bad and when things are good. Put them first.

52. Treat others like you want to be treated. Not only is it a golden rule, but it helps you win in the end in a deal.

53. Life is short and it is funny how the tables turn. In the past year I have seen many people who were mean to be, whether they are former classmates, other comedians, or former boyfriends, try to reach out and pretend that we are friends. The temptation to be cruel exists, but rather you should feel sorry for them. The days that they made you miserable were the greatest days of their lives and they are over, and your life just keeps getting better. Being cruel would be sinking to their level. Why would you want to give them the satisfaction that they even matter that much?

54. While it is wonderful to have an honest self examination, don't beat yourself up. We are all human and make mistakes and it keeps you from learning.

55. The only way to accomplish a goal is to do it.

56. Men who call a woman a man hater because she speaks out for other women are not only showing you that they think lowly of women, but are also modelling their lack of intelligence. Real men are not threatened by a smart woman who is able to stand up for others, that is why they consider Wonder Woman dead sexy.

57. When it comes to sports every man has a PhD. It is always an ice breaker with them.

58. No matter how nutty someone's religious belief is, the first amendment protects us all. There are people who follow their faith and try to be good people as well as all the bad people that follow as well. Every church, mosque, synagouge has their hipocrites but it also has people who truly want to do the right thing.

59. While there are some people who change, others never do. An ex of mine who was abusive wants to "apologize" when things are good in my life. He has shown me he is mentally unstable to the point I had to get a different mailing address. The key with people like that is to wish them well from a distance but to have no contact. It's not just for sanity but for your safety.

60. When life gets bigger, so does the stress. But it goes with career, personal, and spiritual growth. In the words of Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility."

61. Make a fool out of yourself once a day. Doing a strange, terrible version of Gangnam Style in Times Square got me on Korean TV.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
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