Joel Osteen and Other Things

I heard Joel Osteen closed the doors of his megachurch to flood victims and am not surprised. Shit costs money. They can't have poor black people dirtying the carpet. Their mansion is expensive to keep and Pastor Osteen needs the fees he gets from his speaking engagements. Victoria Osteen, who looks like she would be as pleasant as a herpes lesion, has had oodles of plastic surgery and we know those doctors don't come cheap. She would welcome you to a women's Bible study until you disagreed with her, and then you aren't part of the sorority.

I went to a women's Bible study for a hot minute in college. It was something I was roped into. The woman heading it was about as pleasant as Victoria Osteen, except Mrs. Osteen was easier on the eyes because of all the work she has had done. I was less than impressed with her, her attitude, and saw how she turned on me when I disagreed with her about a Bible passage.

Joel Osteen got my father hooked for a minute and my dad is not one to pay and pray. But Osteen had a good, mainline message. He wasn't too crazy unlike the toxic Pat Robertson who are simply manipulative predators using the cloak of religion to fund their greed. My dad even thought it was amazing that Joel Osteen told women to wear lingerie to please their husbands. I found this terribly ironic because Pastor Osteen strikes me as someone who's farther back into the closet than a pair of shoes I lost three years ago that is somehow parked there collecting cobwebs. But eventually my dad grew out of it. I think he had the shingles. Let's blame temporary insanity.

It made me miss Tammy Faye. She would have helped the flood victims in her own way, even if it was flooding her makeup job with the tears she always cried. Tammy Faye had a good heart. And today, she is immortalized by drag queens everywhere.

Let that shit spray like Tammy Faye

I have seen the damage megachurches can do first hand. They are seldom about their flock and more about the greed that keeps a pastor like Osteen rich and keeps their operation going. The worst part is, the people pray for answers and these charlatans prey on them to further their own gain.

In my area, we had a Christian movement for young people called Campus Life. Much like the Hitler youth, kids were encouraged to recruit their friends and even distance themselves from their parents if their parents dissented. Their leader trolled our cafeteria looking for fresh blood. Later he was expelled when we got a new principal who was fairly creeped out by the fact he had a Jerry Sandusky like appreciation for young people. Our then principal's suspicion was right when this fellow was arrested as a pedophile.

Other teachers had Bible studies in their classrooms during lunch period. The zealots went, but the rest of us were weirded out. It made a good number of us uncomfortable but no one stopped it. This was a clear violation of separation of church and state, but no one told for fear of the wrath of these evangelicals.

These followers of Jesus talked about how finding God helped people. Meanwhile I saw kids I knew who got knee deep into this dump their friends and distance themselves from people who cared because their so called youth group leader told them to do so. I saw kids who didn't gender conform get sent to conversion therapy. Others who's parents forced them into this nonsense made them go on awkward mission trips to countries that weren't Christian, condescendingly telling the natives about the word of God. It was awful.

But nothing was more awful than tithing.  You had to give a third of your annual salary to the church or else you were out. Meanwhile Jesus was about helping that poor, that is, until his temple needed a new auditorium and big screen TVs for worship. Jesus was about the poor until the pastor needed a new Mercedes. Jesus was about the poor until the pastor's mistress needed her own apartment. Jesus was about the poor but that was so 30 AD. You get what I am saying.

I had two friends who went and left. The father had lost his job and the family was desperate, but the mother didn't want to be cast out of the cult. So she dipped into the family's savings to tithe. Because they had lost the much needed income of the father, this left them in dire straits. The church was not there when the family didn't have winter coats for their children let alone needed to declare bankruptcy.

And then there was another friend of mine, a lost soul, pressured to date within this group of inbred zealots. She found one who actually seemed nice until she discovered he had a double life as a Peeping Tom. My friend was aghast, appalled, and frightened. She went to her pastor for assistance. He told her to pray on it, and it was her duty as a Christian woman to stand by her man. Others in the church echoed his sentiments. My friend grew a brain and left the church. They began calling her and telling her it was all her fault that she couldn't keep this man happy, and her cold attitude must have been what drove him to become a serial sex offender. Needless to say she ran out of there like she saw Godzilla.

I also knew teachers from my school who became immersed into this temple of doom. One in particular would give retests to his fellow congregants, many of these undeserved. There was a young woman who had a family situation and had to miss school. Instead of letting her make up the work he failed her, and then insisted she didn't graduate. She did, just in summer school. Jesus said something about visiting the sick, but guess he was out that Sunday. But if she was a member of the cult he regularly attended and tithed to, you bet your bottom dollar she would have passed without a hitch.

Lest we not forget a personal trainer who worked with my mom at her old job. He went to this Holy Roller church and seemed like an awesome guy otherwise. The only time his moral superiority eeked through was when he told my mom and I he didn't speak to his sister because of her lack of morals. Needless to say, he was cool until my mom's classes did better than his. Then he sought to anonymously smear her on the internet. While your sister might lack morals, I am sure she has yet to act like an asshole on the interweb. Blast your Christian rock all you want, I think Jesus also said something about bearing false witness against your neighbor, Dick Face.

As the memories flood back, I still see Pat Robertson, the more openly sinister precursor to Osteen on my TV screen. His Vulcan ears poking up and his overeagerness to talk about the homosexual agenda. I don't know what gave me more of the creeps, the fact he made my skin crawl or the fact I knew people who called and pledged money to have their prayers answered. And why pray for God? God is free last time I checked.

Those Vulcan ears perk up at the sound of gay sex. 

As the memories flood back, I still see the kids praying at the flag pole in the morning telling God their thoughts. People with no minds of their own, they poured their spirits into the universe. At the time they freaked me out and still do. But now I realize they are the lost sheep they speak about in the Bible needing a shepherd. And in Joel Osteen and conmen like him,  many sheep have found a shepherd. Unfortunately this shepherd is leading these vulnerable sheep to the wolves that will devour them alive.

In closing, faith can be a wonderful thing. There are many mainline denominations with giving pastors who truly believe in what they preach, but also welcome all people regardless of sex, race, and orientation. Just not the closed minded hate cult known as the megachurch.

So to Joel and the bitch Victoria, you know the arm candy with too many psych issues and enough plastic surgery that Michael Jackson had more human skin in comparison, have a great life. Keep smiling with those big, fake teeth. Stay comfy in your mansion during Hurricane Harvey away from the poor people seeking shelter.  Because in the words of Frederick Douglas on twitter, "When Joel Osteen get to heaven, he will be very confused when you see all those flames."

A mansion costs money and so does this bitch's plastic surgery

April Unwrapped: My Naked Dreams Revealed

The Bible Tells Me So....

When I was younger, I was raised in a place where sometimes religion was used as a weapon. The town I grew up in, people were into their faith. Some were quiet about their practice with God. Others were downright scary. Actually, as I said it was used as a weapon. If you did not share their religious beliefs they didn't leave you alone. They more or less hunted you down like fresh game.

At the beginning of high school I was invited to this thing called Campus Life. School was never easy for me. I had friends, but wasn't terribly social. Not to mention I always was kind of a misfit. I was real arty, which in mainstream America makes you an outsider. High school was tough, and all I wanted was to fit in. So the kid in front of me in study hall invited me to this youth group. He prefaced it by saying, "A lot of people say it is a cult, but don't believe everything you hear." He drew me a map to his home. I was going.

That evening I asked my mom for a ride, telling her of the new club I joined. I figured my father would be happy I was finally fitting in. Getting me to go to the bon fire the week before had been a struggle. It's not that I lacked school spirit, I didn't see the point. You gathered around, watched some stuff burn for thirty minutes, and then it was over. Anyway, when my mom found out she said, "You are not going there. That is a cult." Seconds later she said to my brother, "Wendell, they tried to get April today." That is when my brother regaled me with stories about those involved and their blood thirsty devotion to the man known as Christ.

I saw my brother was right. These young disciples were encouraged to recruit their friends and when they got so many, they had a pizza party reward system. While many teachers were private about their faith, some encouraged this. One teacher held a Bible study in his classroom during lunch. While religion is a wonderful thing, I don't think it should be on school property. As if that was not bad enough the youth group leader trolled our cafeteria looking for fresh blood. He had snow white hair and pale skin, and spoke real slow. Actually, the dude reminded me from the guy in poltergeist. We spoke briefly once, but he didn't waste time on me. Probably because I wasn't an easy target and had a solid sense of self.

I had several friends get caught up in this cult fervor. One in particular went from outgoing and bubbly to an apostle willing to preach at the drop of a dime. This ended our friendship forever. Another could not operate without the okay from this youth group on anything. Of course some were insane. One fought with me in government class. The issue was abortion. She said, "What if God wanted her to have that baby?" My response was that we were arguing reproductive rights and not the existence of God. Then again, a better response would have been to laugh at that whacko.

It's not like a faith in a higher power helped this population to be happy. They didn't watch certain movies. Some didn't celebrate Halloween. Many were homophobic to the point where years later, I wonder what they were suppressing. A great number were racist, clearly absent for the reading where Jesus spoke about all of his children. One former friend of mine became very entrenched. She entered an abusive sexual relationship with an upperclassman. However she was determined to save me. Despite the fact she got knocked up in high school, she was okay. Apparently she knew Jesus and I didn't.

Because of the pull of this population, we didn't have sex ed. Instead we had speakers coming in telling us to abstain. As a result my high school had one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the area. I once said onstage that in high school I didn't know how to use a condom but knew how to throw a baby in a dumpster. Yes, this is what the word of God has reduced people to, idiots who don't know about their bodies.

This population belonged to several churches in the town. One was a mega church down the street from me where they did Christian counseling and conversion therapy. Another was a splinter sect where a class mate of mine had a fanatical mother attend. She gave the family's savings, and the pastor took it and ran off with a hoochie mama in the parish. Of course then there was the extreme splinter sect who decided the mega church was too secular and met in the high school cafeteria. They couldn't marry outside the circle of thirty people, thus all becoming their own grandpas.

Half way through school we got a new principal. He threw the cult leader out of the cafeteria, and told the teacher he was to discontinue the Bible study. The new principal cited the first amendment, something foreign to these zealots, about how church and state were to be separate. While it made the cult members angry, school was much more tolerable for anyone else with a different belief system. Of course sophomore year they still tried to lure my sister Skipper with a game of frisbee in the guise of Bible Study. However, it was much better than it had been in previous years.

A year after being banished, the cult leader was arrested for molesting several young men he ministered to. Surprise, surprise. Did I mention he was quite homophobic?

Over the years I have met religious people who are nothing but loving. They also understand the Bible. The tale of Sodom and Gomorrah is about kindness to your neighbors and not being greedy, not that LGBTQ people are sinful and evil. Also, they welcome people of all colors into their churches. Their God loves all people, not just those who are white. Also, God doesn't shame people for their sex conduct and knows they make mistakes. And yes anal counts even if you wear a promise ring. I have met people of all belief systems, or lack thereof. Bottom line, just try to be a good person.

I am not saying having faith is bad, it can be a wonderful thing as long as it is coupled with spirituality. My Nunni-Mom's mom-was very into the spiritual side of her Catholic faith. She visited my cousin and sent him presents when he was in jail for holding his girlfriend hostage, a time when many turned their back on him, his own family included. My brother's former high school football teammate ministers to drug addicts in the worst section of Pittsburgh. These are good things. But dogma alone can make a person nuts and devoid of all reality.

What made me think of this was last night I was walking to the train when a woman who was dead behind the eyes said, "Miss, do you know when Jesus is coming? Those who are not saved are doomed to hell." I nodded bilking it. And she proceeded to follow me. When I thought I dodged her and was safely home I saw her again in the station and she began following me again. So I bilked it faster.

 Part of me knew she was clearly mentally ill. The other part of me wanted to say, "Listen freakshow, I grew up with assholes like you. No one, not even the angels in heaven shall know the date, hour, or time. Read the Bible you fucking crack infested, non bathing, scizo, homeless fucktard. Then again, you probably can't read. And trust me, you aren't scary. You are nothing compared to some of the religious assholes I knew growing up."

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Intentions: A Spiritual Blog

When I was younger I grew up in a town where religion was used as a weapon. The Catholics believed in a God that was vengeful and indulged in marches for life. Ribbons-or right to life-were handed out on several occasions. These were supposedly to protect the unborn, but in reality designed to oppress women. Holy days were taken seriously which meant morning masses before school. As for the Protestants, they weren't much better. They just went to church a little later but were still just as crazy. Then there was the megachurch down the road where the pastor declared AIDS was the punishment to the gay population. Not to mention they had a wicked recruitment program in their youth group. As in kool-aid and pizza at the end of the month if the kids go so much fresh blood. Then there were two sects that split off because the megachurch was becoming too liberal. One splinter sect was so crazy it meant that one could not marry outside the this mini church that met in our school's cafeteria. That meant children with flippers.

As if that wasn't bad enough we had a youth group called Campus Life. The sponsor, a strange man with pale skin and white blonde hair, would troll the school cafeteria looking for lost souls to entrap in this Svengali net. To correspond with this, a well meaning history teacher had Bible Studies in his room during lunch violating the supposed divide between church and state. I remember when I was a junior, our school got a new principal. He used the anti-power of Christ to compel this cult master out of the cafeteria. People who were drunk in the daze were angry. Those of us with brains were quite satisfied. Later he was arrested for molesting young boys. Now he is on his knees in jail doing the bidding of Jesus. While Jesus is not the one who died on the cross in an S and M type of fashion, he does have a rosary tattooed on his chest.

Of course these nuts were always on fire. Like Rand Paul they cite the Bible as anthropological evidence. Not to mention they wrote poems about God and how he made them feel safe. One young woman wrote a poem about her closeness to God that read like a pornographic novel. Needless to say, when I was eighteen and moved to NYC I was done with these Jesus freaks.

I didn't want to hear about the Bible and didn't have time for anyone who quoted it. While I never ceased to believe in a Higher Power, I refused to believe it was a racist, sexist, homophobic, and anti-Semitic white man on a cloud. My understanding of life and the world were so different than any of the hate these people preached that I totally wrote off organized religion. I would even quote Karl Marx calling it the opium of the people.

However one thing I got into was meditation. I came across it several years ago as I was going through one of the craziest times of my life and coming out of one even more chaotic. The meditation helped me change my energy. It helped me focus. It helped me quiet my mind. I also met some people who were religious but were peaceful and chose to show their faith by living it rather than preaching it. I ended up attending Bible study at a gay friendly church a few times where I learned about the Bible in a whole new way. Sodom and Gomorrah was not about homosexuality, but being kind to your neighbor and welcoming strangers. It was also lost in translation. I remember the preacher explaining that it had been interpreted as homosexuality in later years, but this was not originally the case in Greek. Another woman whom I became close to also said that God's issue was not homosexuality, but rather the rape of angels. I also met a priest who said, "Listen, if you are gay you are welcome in my church. I also think you should be able to get married. The world will catch up but we are all God's children."

Over time I began to see that faith, when used well, was a wonderful thing. That religion could be wonderful as well, if coupled with spirituality. If it was just dogma alone that is when it was toxic. That is when people put ministers such as Pat Robertson-who looks like an angry elf-on a white cloud and make him God. How people listen to that moron I will never know. But a belief wasn't evil. It was how it got twisted and misunderstood.

Recently, in my meditation, my friend Bernard Davis has inspired me. A former Jehovah's Witness, Bernard has left the fold because that and being gay don't always jibe. However he has kept his spirituality. Before we went to Gay Pride Bernard insisted we do an intention. He said, "When we go out today, may we spread love, light and happiness." And we did. Actually the intention was awesome. 

So lately I have been doing that and my life has been changing. So yes, I believe in good vibes. I am spiritual. I believe it a G.O.D. (Good orderly direction, Gratitude over drama). I believe in the next right thing. I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated. Any questions?

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Follow me on www.aprilbrucker.com