Open Letter to Ray Chavez

Dear Pastor Chavez,

I write to you as a good Christian woman. As of late, I have been following the Vanessa Collier story. Sir, as a woman of God I am ashamed to be associated with you. Not only did you show bigotry, but you did not let her die with dignity.

Vanessa’s family was grief stricken. This woman had married her partner and was raising her two stepchildren as her own. Many straight men do this all the time mind you, but they are in heterosexual unions so this is okay. She had over 100 mourners to her funeral which meant she was a decent, well liked person. Yeah, she died while cleaning out a weapon, one she probably needed to protect her family from hatred that you preach.

Vanessa’s kin had submitted the video to you days before the funeral. I repeat, DAYS! If Vanessa’s open expression of her lifestyle was a problem for you, the Christian thing would have been to be honest. That way, they could find an alternative venue for their memorial. Instead you let them in the church, the service was to begin, and then you turned them away. Yes, they had a dead body they had to lug across the street along with their heavy hearts. You, Sir, are a disgusting man. What makes this whole thing worse is that you refuse to refund their money. As I recall, stealing is a sin. Look it up.

What was Vanessa’s family supposed to do, edit out her life and her partner because it suited you and your so called beliefs? Maybe they should have done their research better on your church, but you say you welcome wayward people and are a safe haven for homosexuals as well. This is what I refer to as false advertising. Vanessa’s family and friends felt they would be welcomed. Meanwhile, you lied. As I recall, that is a sin as well. Again, look it up.

Granted, maybe the video was misplaced. I would prefer that because that just makes you an imbecile. However, if you knew what was in that video and chose to do this to a grieving family in order to make a point that makes you plain evil. Then again, by all evidence my opinion of you is starting to lean that way. As a woman of God myself, I like to give other believers the benefit of the doubt. However, Sir, you have shown me and many other that you fall short of this mark. 

We can go on all day about the sin of homosexuality and the so called passage in the Bible, the Sodom and Gomorrah. However, it is also lost in translation. The sin, sodomy, is merely anal sex and many straight couples engage in it as well. Additionally, there was mention of oral sex. Again, many straight folks engage as well. Lest we add in Adam and Eve committed original sin by having sex. So by that logic 99 percent of the world is sinning. The Bible does state that sex for the sake of procreation is okay, and most pregnancies are accidental. Therefore most of the world sins on the regular. You must be a lot of fun to have at a picnic.

Some of your followers appeared online terrorizing a group created to support Vanessa and her family. This behavior is far from Christian. When someone pointed out that the Bible okayed rape, they asked if that was the best we had and added that rape was no big deal. One troubled woman who clearly has mental health issues, one would have to in order to even entertain your nonsense for a minute, not only defended rape but pedophilia as well. She claimed because abortion was legal pedophilia should be as well. Then of course she blamed gay people. I will admit I stooped to their level and tried to battle their anti-logic. I also tried to correct their poor grammar. Then I figured, why? They look like idiots, proof that the God of my understanding hates the same things I do.

Then I realized the God of my understanding would not want me to hate but rather pray for the misguided people you minister to. You do not pray but rather prey, that's right I said it. You prey on simple minded people who have experienced adversity that are looking for something to fill the tremendous hole they feel in their heart. Life has been unkind to them, and now you are by making them tithe aka robbing them, and brainwashing them to be rabid zealots. You are not a worker of God nor His messenger but rather a servant of Satan. I say this with confidence. 

I want to inform you that this is 2015, not 1950. There are gay people who are open and honest with who they are. These LGBTQ citizens not only hold positions in the community, but also have families. I work for a boss who is gay. This man is not only my employer but my friend, and has given me opportunities that I would have never otherwise gotten working with anyone else. My assistant, who is also gay, had to flee his homeland because prejudice like yours is unfortunately legal there. He got legal asylum in the US because if someone is assaulted for being gay, the police look the other way. LGBTQ people are also jailed in his homeland constantly. Perhaps my assistant's home nation would be your dream paradise, it has palm trees. 

Many of my friends in entertainment and in the neighborhood are gay. The sad part is, many have to deal with ignorance like yours on a regular basis. My friend Chacho was gay bashed as a teenager because he was who he was in the wrong neighborhood. Three young men beat him to the point where he nearly died, and a scar remained on his face from being cut with a pocket knife. After that, my friend’s drug use took off and that is what eventually killed him. Sure, he was an addict, but it was the bigotry and hatred of people like yourself that kept driving the needle into his arm. Yeah, he had a traumatic childhood, but nearly dying because of who he was threw him over the edge. 

I also want to remind you that my friend Joe encouraged me to write again. This was after I escaped a horrific straight relationship where I was physically assaulted on a regular basis. Mind you your followers hijacked the message board that was started for Vanessa's family, friends and supports. Mind you they said domestic violence was acceptable as well as sexual assault, a bunch of winners by my estimation. Anyway, Joe not only helped me gain my confidence back, but got me to write my book. By your logic the man who choked me to the point where I blacked out was an okay person but my friend who got me to tap into a gift I lost confidence in was destined to damnation. I would hate to see your wife if she is ever let out of the kitchen. 

In my lifetime, I have had the pleasure and gift of seeing LGBTQ people experience marriage equality. I have had the pleasure of attending a lesbian wedding. I hope to attend many more. My composer friend Calvin and his husband are foster parents to a little boy who was taken out of a drug addicted home. In May, they will become loving and giving legal guardians to this child who would have not otherwise had a chance. In my Christian understanding, God would want that child to be with two people who love him and give him a stable environment rather than a deranged heterosexual caregiver who can’t take a crack pipe out of her mouth.

My LGBTQ friends have never once discriminated against me for being straight. There is no persecution against Christians, only those like myself who call your bluff when you come full force with your archaic thinking and hate. I have news for you. If God wanted everyone to be straight we would be. Alas, we are not. I know this is making your head explode, but homosexuality also exists in nature. There have been scientists documenting this. The gay cannot be prayed away. Then again, you probably don't believe in evolution despite fossil findings to the contrary. 

Something you might find interesting: In the South during the antebellum period, the ministers preached from their pulpits that abolishing slavery was a bad idea. These pastors cited passages where they felt captivity was good for blacks. You have a Latino surname, which means you might have some black ancestry. Keep this in mind the next time you take the Bible so literally. Oh, and it has been translated a gazillion times. Unless you speak Aramaic, which no one has for a few centuries, you are not qualified to tell us what anyone teaches.

Jesus once said to some money grubbing rabbis, “My father’s house is not a marketplace.” That means not robbing the family of the dead you  hypocrite. Then again, it is clear from all evidence presented that your followers are weak willed victims who buy your hate. I can see you prey on them and their troubled status in life, their clear need to find a space which you give to them. You are not a shepherd but someone who should be silenced.

Pastor, and I use the term loosely, I grew up around people like you. I know you are not passionate about your faith but use it as a veil of hate. There will be a time when you get judged, and I pray that God takes mercy upon your lost, vile, and twisted soul. I hope and pray that the flames of hell do not make your eternity too unpleasant, because you have tortured and misled a great many in your lifetime. 

Lastly, I pray that God protects others from your misguidance, but ultimately you from yourself.

xo

April

Werq

Lately I have been working  A LOT which is good in my line of work. This past weekend was crazy busy with the telegrams. Then on top of that, I am doing an event this Friday for animals and my family is in town this weekend for the Heisman Trophy Events. I am also doing a television taping Friday as well. So basically, Friday I am doing a TV taping and then headed to Staten Island to perform. Saturday I am my sister’s date to the big show. And then in between my mother will be cleaning my apartment aka going through my shizzzzzz.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. Then again, everything has been kind of crazy lately. I ended up doing a telegram for a rich lady on the Upper East Side. I get to the restaurant and it is built railroad style. Basically, the walk way is narrow and very hard to maneuver past anyone. I accidentally assaulted a woman opening the door. She screamed, I apologized. Then I called the contact aka inside dude for the job. Paul wasn’t there but told me to “Go right in.”

The servers knew what was up and I changed into my cake costume. When I got out, I sang to this woman. Of course it was a luncheon of ALL WOMEN. I prefer a crowd of all dudes or mixed even. But all women is rough. You see, when it is a bunch of women and you are the performer, sometimes they roast you and test you to see if you are going to break. Then if you live through their scrutiny you’re alright. It’s never younger women, they’re actually pretty cool. It’s never older women, they have lived so long they are too tired for games. It’s the middle aged chicks.

They seemed to enjoy me, but it was like pulling teeth. It could have been that their first husbands ran off with someone like me. I dunno. In any event, at the end they did admit they liked it. However the recipient added, “It’s better it was my children that sent this then my sister.” Okay……

They said I was “cute” and the birthday girl wanted to keep my outfit. The rich women inquired as to how I went in and out of doorways with this thing. Then the birthday lady wanted to keep my hat and boas for realsies. I was like, okay, maybe you are at the latter end of middle age but you are old woman cray cray about now.

The servers liked it. And when I changed the woman I sang to saw me in my sweats, cold snowy day clothing, and looked at me giving me this hard to read smile. Translated, you passed the test and won us over but we will still be watching you. The experience left me with this feeling that there was no wonder my people didn’t have rights. For as much as I whine about male sexism sometimes, dudes don’t play these stupid assed games with each other. A male audience isn’t as judgmental. But yet, at the same time women friends when they are good are invaluable.

My audience for my animal benefit Friday is mostly women. I think God is trying to teach me something. When I was younger an all women audience was hard for me, and I didn’t really have any female friends. Then again, I was going through a dumb ass phase where I was an unintentional boyfriend stealer and husband borrower and thought nothing of it. That ended when I realized I could get shot. Plus it made me think of another woman I knew who told me she was terrified of a woman like myself. Turned out her husband was a big cheat FYI. Still, in addition to getting possibly shot I didn’t want to hurt someone like her.

Still, I have rocked book talks filled with women readers. I have also rocked women audiences. Then again, I have also calmed down. A few months ago I did a dicey show for an all woman social worker crowd who made me work for it and they were even more brutal, and two heckled me. But at the end they told me what a great job I did. Who knows, me and these damn women. They are hot and cold. Being lesbian can’t be a damn choice cause who would choose to date women?

Of course it made me think of why feminism has been such a bust in some ways. Women can’t agree on anything. In my mom’s generation, the 2^nd Wave, the white feminist majority wanted to exclude activists of color because it made their cause harder. Then when the white activist decided to include minority women, there was a division on the subject of including lesbians and there was a ton of infighting. Now this generation, the 3^rd Wave, the big issue is gender identity. Some say let’s include transmen and transwomen. Others believe transmen are now “men” and shouldn’t be included, and transwomen were born male and they shouldn’t be included. I say if you want a pay cut and to deal with sexism, I’ll include you all you want. Sexism is the same devil that haunts us all.

Then of course on a more basic level, how many women have been betrayed by a so called female bestie? Several years ago when things were completely insane in my life I had a so called gf steal a man from me. Then she made it like I was crazy and it was all my fault when I told her things in confidence because I thought I could trust her. Next thing I know she is with my man and I’m crazy when I tell her how it is and who she is. I’m the bad guy. Or better yet, one of the few women friends I had from college, we dated the same dude off and on and it was a running joke. Then she went and married his sorry ass, and now whenever she sees me it’s like I am a stranger that robbed her damn house. You can have him. As I recall I dumped him for an even bigger mistake. Even another friend who’s boyfriend said I seemed cool went on a rampage to ruin my life afterwards. Then heck, there was one girl who I was friendly with until she started dating an ex of mine. I liked this girl as a person too. That is, until she took it upon herself to throw shade whenever possible and start shit whenever convenient.

I just want to tell all of them a man’s a man, and it’s not worth losing a woman friend over. They all do the same three tricks and have the same equipment. Then again, who am I to be the bearer of bad news? Of course there is a thing called kharma that gets bitchy people. My friend who stole the dude from me, they are married and suited for each other because they are kind of dumb. The other gal pal who decided I was public enemy number one, well she has burned every bridge possible with everyone and talks about the book that she is writing that is still waiting to be released 5 years later. Mine is available on Amazon. The friend who tried to ruin my life is fat, ugly, unpleasant and single which means God hates the same things we all do. And the girl who throws shade, well she sober for about an hour a day. Then again, in order to deal with my ex you would have to do a boatload of drugs too to keep from killing him. The best is when she insists that she goes to the gym and exercises, but she is fatter than ever in all of her pictures. What’s your workout, the all you can eat buffet walking back and fourth?!

Still, maybe my issue with my gender is I don’t get the hang ups. Heck, I did a project with a dude who was getting married and his now wife dreamed of the wedding since she was five. I am not wired like that. Of course, I got into a battle with his wife at times because we were both vying for his attention in an odd way. She wanted a honeymoon to Bermuda and therefore I had to pay for everything because he was being drained. Finally, our arrangement fell apart. Yeah, she dreamed of her wedding since she was 5, but her husband had dreams too and she was squashing them because she felt the need to get married and have the royal wedding on a Manhattan Apartment Share budget.

Then women are a torture in an all-female company because it’s passive aggressive nonsense and all. I dunno. I worked at one once and got fired. It was either that or I quit. My supervisor bullied me because her husband had gone to Vegas, met a blonde, and ran off. It was all my fault. No Crazy, it was all yours. You were nutso and that is why your husband ran far, far away. Ain’t my fault.

As time goes on though, I hear other women have the same complaints and issues with our gender. In a way, we all learn to laugh about it. Maybe God is putting these female crowds in my path to teach me about coming correct in a whole new way. The older I get the more real I become. Maybe it is not just about getting more real, but getting more humble. Maybe it is about also acknowledging just as men are hung up on sex, sex, and more sex women have their own insecure basketcase hang ups too. Maybe it is that we are all in this together.

That being said, I look forward to my crowd of ladies Friday. 

Vampires, Witches, and Werewolves Oh My....

Twenty two was a crazy year for me. It was full of all sorts of adventures. Actually misadventures is a better word. Call it the punchline was April being stupid. I was downtown and getting drunk. It was me and two guys I had sort of known but didn’t but never really saw after that. I had done two good shows and they had sort of asked if I wanted to go out drinking. I said sure. In this evening doused with Jack and Coke they asked if I wanted to go to a party. I was getting drunk, it was Friday night, I had cab money. I thought, “Why not.” Sure I would have a hangover but what gave? I would have fun, right? Plus like most parties it would be sort of lame with guys who thought that they were God’s gift to women. I would entertain their BS, get drunk some more, fascinate everyone with the fact I was a ventriloquist, and then go home.

However, no amount of liquor who lubricate me enough for what was to come. We went to this club where the party was to occur. I still remember it was what was then Avalon. To give you a background Avalon was what was the former Limelight, the hang out of Michael Alig before he killed his drug dealer friend with a hammer, chopped him up, and then bragged about it. It was only after his torso washed up on the shoes of Staten Island that things began to look grim. Before the Limelight was a nightclub it was a church. The building has some crazy albeit evil history. I felt chills as I approached. This wasn’t going to be my typical party.

We got in and I was greeted by a doorman who’s teeth were filed to look like fangs. I pointed out that his teeth looked like fangs and he said that he knew and laughed. I asked him why he did such a thing and he said it was because he was a vampire. He was committed to his vampire house and that was that. I was like, “Okay.”

We walked in and we were greeted by people who had odd names like Zade and Dax. This was long before the days of Twilight. What was going on? I asked my two escorts and they informed me that this was a vampire party. They informed me that they were vampires themselves, and they told me not to talk to the vampires in red because apparently they were engaged in a vampire war. I began to panic. VAMPIRES!?!? They only existed in the movies. My escorts assured me I would be alright. They informed me my blood would not be feasted upon, but rather they were psychic vampires feeding off their energy.

I didn’t know what to say. Was this the time to mention my mother had given me holy water upon my trip to New York? I had eaten a slice of pizza doused in garlic only hours before. Just as I was pondering these quieries I saw a woman from the rival vampire house stare me down. Her hair was pitch black and her skin was white as snow, or death if you spend too much time in the morgue depending. I looked away. I didn’t know whether to be scared or to laugh.

I turned around to find my escorts but they had disappeared. Where had they gone? Now this was just getting creepy. There was a lot going on in this party in this sea of vampires. Did these people honestly believe that they were vampires? This was comedic and creepy at the same time. The guys were either handsome in that undead sort of way, or they looked like they would have been roughed up by jocks for good reason. The women were either overweight or were scantily clad, reminding me of the line, “Pagan Pleasures” from some old Bible film. This was all much too much for me. I looked around to see if I could escape. Just then the girl from the rival coven approached me. Her long black hair and vacant look in her eyes made her look like the child from The Ring.

“Want me to buy you a drink?” She asked. “Sure.” I said. I had no other friends and she seemed friendly. Plus in a setting like this you needed all the booze you could get. That’s the only way it could ever make sense.

She put her hand on my shoulder in almost a romantic gesture. Smiling she said, “I think you are very pretty.” Was she hitting on me? Was this a lesbian vampire? Where was Charles Busch when I needed him? This sounded like a story that he could only write. I went from being creeped out to being just plain confused.

I stood there speechless. Then the only thing I could blurt out was, “Jack Daniels. He’s the only man that I ever loved.” I just wanted to convey in not so many words that while she was indeed beautiful in that hang upside down in a cave sort of way, I wasn’t ready to get into a lesbian vampire relationship. That entailed a whole new unearthly level of drama. I could picture Thanksgiving and breaking the new to my mother. “Mom, I am a lesbian and my girlfriend is a vampire. She will be sleeping during the day and we will need to use the garage for her coffin.”

She nodded and left. Just then I was approached by a dorky looking guy who probably got his head beaten back in the day at school. He was dorky, underweight, and had glasses that looked like they were taped together. He was just missing his many books and pocket protector. I began to hope much like me, he was close to normal and had accidentally wandered in. I glanced around for my escorts. No where to be found. The dork introduced himself as Raphael. Then he informed me that I should not trust Britta, the woman who was buying me a drink. Raphael informed me that he was a psychic werewolf and against the rules of those in his coven he had begun a relationship with a vampire only to have his heart broken. I didn’t know what to say. Then Raphael blurted out, “She is going to give you a drink. Don’t drink it.”

I didn’t know what to say except did he honestly believe he was a werewolf? Wow. I asked Raphael why he was at a vampire party. He explained, “Vampires and werewolves are cousins. We inner marry and breed so we could be stronger.” My mouth dropped open. I definitely needed more booze for this occasion. Raphael also explained that he was afraid of Britta. Then as she approached he howled and left. Was this for real?

“I want to kiss you.” Britta said as she handed me my drink.

“Have you brushed your fangs?” I asked unsure of what to say. I had never been hit on by a lesbian vampire before. These things were important if I was going to be kissed by the vampire woman who had previously dated a werewolf, especially if this woman had been around. While I had previously dated men, I had never been seduced by a vampiress. Part of me wanted to say no, but the truth of the matter was that she was staring me down, making it hard.

"You are under my spell." She said. And I was. I could barely move. For some reason it was in part the liquor but also some unearthly energy in this place. I found myself wanting to go into the world of the Lost Boys. I wanted to tell her how much I liked men and how I had come here with two guys. But this vampire seductress was working her charms. I began to gulp.

Just then she moved in for the kill. I would have stopped her but I was so stunned that I didn’t know what to say or do. In my short life I had never been in a situation like this before. This was the strangest night of my life and somehow the alcohol was not blacking things out and making it any better. As Britta moved in to kiss me I heard a, “Not so fast bitch!”

Britta stared in alarm and I was now more surprised than ever. Standing before us was a womster dressed in black. She had to have been two hundred pounds plus. Committed to the evil chic, she was dawning black lipstick. This woman had never seen sunlight let alone a gym. There must have been a buffet in the bat cave. Maybe she was drinking her blood and dousing it with Hershey’s chocolate syrup after cooking stray rats in loads of lard.

“Another vampire? Or are you a werewolf?” I asked. It was the only question I could muster in a situation like this.

“No smartass, I am a witch. A moon witch and this right here is my girlfriend.” She seethed looking me up and down. "And I see as usual she slums it."

“What?” I asked.

The moon witch nodded. "And for your information she has really scraped bottom this time. I bet you have no magical powers." She snapped.

"The only magical power I have is the ability to stay under two hundred pounds. Something all your spell casting has failed to do." I informed her. Who was this Dungeons and Dragons reject to call me sewer material.

"Well I am going to put a spell on you to ruin your life!!!!" The witch said. Britta looked down.

"From the looks of it you are already ruining your own life with your magic. Your wardobe is abysmal, and not to mention your metabolism runs behind schedule." I told this reject. Now she was speechless. Then again, a shot of reality will do that to someone.

The witch then changed her tactics.“Look, my problem is not with you. My problem is with this cheater right here. First she can’t decide whether she likes vampires, male werewolves, female witches and now you whatever you are.” The bohemith stormed as Britta looked down. "She is toying with my emotions and I can't stand it." I bit my lip trying not to laugh. The undead had some serious drama.

I took a deep breath. “This is all too much for me. I think I need to go.” I said.

“Where are you going?” Britta asked pleadingly. “She doesn’t mean it. We have an open relationship.”

“Back into reality. I am not a vampire, a witch, or a werewolf. I have too much to do like pursue my career. You on the otherhand can frolick in La La land because if you actually believe this, God bless you. I am sure Bellvue has a bed or two ready.” I said as I ran out of the party.

When I got outside I caught a cab home. I ran up my stairs, took a shower and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning I awoke to the sunlight. Touching my bed I was glad it was not a coffin. With that I jumped out of bed and joined the living.

Needless to say I was back to being a straight woman as well. While men don't want to talk about their emotions and want to watch football and scratch their crotches, a lesbian vampire and her moon witch girlfriend was too much drama for this lifetime or any netherworld.

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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