Coming So Far....

Yesterday was one of those days. It was my first official day back to work after a resting beside my mother's pool. She has waited thirty five years for that thing. Of course this means she is nicer than ever to my dad. It was weird going back home in a way. My yard didn't look the same. When I was a kid I had this sprawling yard that had sort of a tilt on a hill. I had a swing set, rope, parallel bars, hand over hand, and killer jungle gym our parents built. We even had a treehouse.

That was all gone. Built for the pool. Sure my childhood was ripped asunder. However, we now have a pool. That is actually way more awesome than the killer jungle gym if you ask me.

I also went to my old high school where my baby cousin is earning his stripes as water boy. Got to see some of my old teachers. It was cool and kind of bittersweet at the same time. Cool because I have grown up, but bittersweet because yesterday is gone. I went to the mall and was recognized by a girl who had seen me on TV. I tend to get recognized more in New York City. Celebrities are in a higher concentration here as well as Hollywood than the rest of the world. It was neat to get recognized though. She said she was familiar with my work. The kid was about sixteen or so. I remember being her age and dreaming of being on TV, writing a book, doing all the things I am doing now. It is so cool and strange to be doing them for realz.

I am also doing a book talk at the Barnes and Noble in South Hills Village. I used to go there as a kid and get lost in the shelves. Now my book is on their shelf. It's kind of crazy how these things just happen. I remember my parents used to have to pry me out of there. The great part about the book shelves is that is where a weird misfit like myself could feel safe. Now I have a book there. My book is also in my local library too. When I was a kid I used to doggy ear the pages of my books. Librarians and book sellers lost their minds with me, shoving book marks in my collection. After writing one I understand. You treat that book with respect. Someone worked long and hard to write it. I saw a friend doggy eared my pages. I remember leaving his house and was so agitated I called another friend. My friend said, "It's a show of love." I couldn't get passed it. So now I use a book mark and encourage others to do so. Doggy erring the pages damages them. Maybe I need to get over myself. I don't know. On one hand, I have a whole new respect for the Nazi librarian. She really does care for books and respects authors. On the other hand, I am becoming self important and annoying.

Yesterday was kind of crazy in a cool way. After being given a wrong address for a telegram, I sped uptown to get to the correct place. I cursed God for steering me wrong. He didn't seem to take offense as I swore my head off. When I got there it was one of the best deliveries I had done in a while. The people were GREAT! I can say I am blessed to have the job and work for the boss I do. He is so cool. Of course they asked for business cards too which was neat.

As I left hitting the sidewalk, I saw a young man selling comedy tickets. That is the worst job in the world in my opinion. You have people saying terrible things to you and then expect you to be funny on the spot. Some of the clubs in the city make you lie and say people who have been on "HBO and Comedy Central." Yeah, either as extras or they watched it at home. Translated, they are selling you fake credits. It's not their fault. It's the greedy club owners. I know because I have done it. So usually when they approach me I actually stop and talk to them. I have been in their shoes in the worst of weather. I know that pain. This is how the conversation between me and the kid happened:

Me: What club you work for?

Kid: (Random Comedy Club in New York)

Me: Oh performed there millions of times. As a matter of fact I have worked with some of these guys.

I point to the folder

Me: As a matter of fact, Judah Friedlander is one of the nicest dudes in comedy.

Kid: Really, the guy from 30 Rock?

I shake my head

Me: Oh yeah, funny and down to Earth.

Kid: Wow.

Me: He's like Jeff Foxworthy. Who by the way is the nicest guy in comedy. I got to work with him once and he was so cool. I mean, granted, I wagered no opinion on him but after working with him I was like wow, he is so cool. I am a fan just cause I like the dude.

Kid: You are famous, aren't you?

Me: Eh, I've been around.

Kid: You look really familiar. I know I have seen you on TV. I have, haven't I?

I nod. In the back of my mind, I want this kid to give this memo to my bank statement. Apparently, my financials have no idea how famous I am. Neither does my landlord because As Seen on TV, no matter how beautifully written on the rent check, will not do. So I put my finger to my lips like, "Shhhh...."

Kid: Sorry to be weird. But I know I have. Can you take off your sunglasses please?

I lift my sunglasses.

Kid: HOLY SHIT I HAVE SEEN YOU ON TV! Look, I don't mean to be weird, but can I have an autograph? I will add it to my collection. This is soooo cool!!!!!

I nod. I pull out one of the post cards for my book. I ask the typical autograph questions and sign it.

Me: Buy my book kid. Great to meet you.

Kid: Thank you! This is amazing! You have no idea!

No kid, you have no idea. You have no idea how many times I have wanted to turn back. How many times I have wondered what the hell I was thinking coming to a city where I knew no one to pursue a pipe dream. How many times I wondered if living in a shoebox and slugging it out treading the poverty line was worth it as my high school chums married, had kids, and had the dream home. You have no idea how many times as a kid I would dream about being so famous someone would ask for my autograph. You have no idea how cool this is for me. And how I will hold onto this moment when the bills come in the mail dragging my white ass back to reality. Yes, this is amazing, and you have no idea.

When I got home of course I spoke to my mother who is organizing my book talk. Also made some web pages for some projects and checked on other things. She said to make a list of all the things I am doing. Also back to musical land. My mom suggested I invite some of my old high school teachers to my book talk. It will be great to see them. Also, it would be great to let them know what I am doing with my life. Mr. Youngs would like to know I wrote a book. Mr. Kuczawa would like to know about some of the things I am doing with music, such as writing a musical. Dave Cable would like to know I am working as an on camera host again. Perhaps Mr. Beutzow and Mrs. Nogar will turn out. And I know the spirits of Mr. Teitz and Mrs. Reid will also be in attendance.

As I spoke to my mother I realized it had been forever since I had been onstage. All the other projects have distracted me. For as much as I have a love/hate relationship with the art form it's made a lot of what I am doing now possible. I have to start chasing spots again, cause people are chasing me to be a part of their shows.Not to mention I still have a long way to go so it is useless to rest on my laurels.

 Because once upon a time, I was twenty years old standing in Times Square begging people to come see my show. Every once in a great while, I would see someone who is in the position I am these days. I would watch them in awe hoping to be them someday. I would hope to get a look from that established comedian as I endured hours of torment from passerbys with a life just for five minutes onstage. Sometimes they were nice, sometimes they were jerks. I hoped in my heart I would be one of them though. Part of me knew my hard work would pay off, but there was always that tinge of doubt. As I thought of signing my chicken scratch for that kid, I remembered how hard I worked and continue to work. I remembered how scary it was to leave home and go for it. I remember thinking how cool it would be to have an autograph seeker. I'm not worried. I know my financials will catch up one day.

Just as the memory flashed through my mind, I made myself some dinner. In contrast to the nourishing food I grew up with, it was the vodka sauce, random lunch meat, and cheese recipe I came up with on a whim. Then I realized that I had forgotten how to cook.

Sigh, you can't have everything.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

This Time of Year

This Time of Year

I am resisting that summer is over and fall is here. While it is not quite cold, the temperature is dropping like the fat off of a woman who just joined Weight Watchers. Part of me as I said is resisting that summer is over because it is time to put away the skimpy clothes that get me boys. On the other hand, I am no longer a seasonal idiot. There were no accidental affairs with ex-cons and other unmentionables this summer. Oops, that was last year. Maybe I am getting boring and old.

The leaves always change around this time of year, around my birthday. I am a Libra. According to pop astrology I am supposedly balanced. I am off kilter as ever. Ask anyone who has crossed paths with me. However, I like to keep things fair even if it means screaming at the tops of my lungs and losing my voice. I get mad when things aren’t fair and people don’t act right. I am creative and passionate. I suck at making decisions. I can be a flirt which gets me into trouble. I’m a Libra.

I like Indian summer because while it’s hot as hell you can still sense the fall in the air. The temperature drops at night. While it’s summer during the day you can sense the foreboding of the cold and the snow and Father Winter’s impending visit at night. It is a relief. It saves me money on air conditioning. On the other hand, I have to put my white mini-dress and sandals away. The leaves are changing. The temperature is changing. Obama says we must change. Did I mention sometimes change is a big old pain in my rear end?

I do like this time of year. While Labor Day has historically been a rotten weekend for me, the fall that follows is always good. It has been at least for the past few years. As the leaves fall I shed some of the crap that has happened during the year as things come to a close. It is cathartic in a way.

In 2006 I ended an abusive relationship with a man who berated me, took my puppet children away, and used me as his own personal punching bag. Sure, he stalked me and that sucked. However, after that Labor Day weekend when he went crazy I spent that fall putting my stress on paper and fighting back behind the mic. I wrote a routine that is still a hit today, and my puppet children very much became a part of my life again. Not to mention I had a bit of a fling with a man who not only made me laugh but has stayed my friend. Oh, and I moved into my cute lil apartment. I told myself as I graduated from college and embarked on my new adventure, “YES I CAN!!!”

When fall of 2007 rolled around I had made a conscience effort to live healthier. That meant an end to the crazy drinking, the use of speed diet pills, and any of destructive diet practice there was. I joined a gym and started going daily. As a matter of fact, I started getting my coffee, bagel, and reading my paper at the corner store on tenth. It has been so long going there that I just ask them for, “My usual.”I also became more spiritual, it goes hand and hand with getting healthier. Very badly, I wanted to produce a one woman show. Well I ended up going on Cash Cab with May Wilson and won $700 smackers. That money went to help front the cost. I got a few people to show up because well, I was doing everything on my own and had no idea what I was doing. Still, it was worth it. I also filled my calendar performing. I was happy damnit.

In 2008 I was a busy woman that fall. After a mistake of a relationship with a man who lied like Lindsay Lohan drinks, always and constantly, I was back to work. I found myself working with Uncle Floyd that fall, going to Jersey and the Poconos. It was a show for seniors and I had never done one. I had some serious misses onstage and a few hits, but I learned a lot about comedy. I also filmed a pilot which was exciting. Then there was Rachael Ray, a television spot I watched at the local health club. The clip made The Soup. I had never seen the show before or since I came on. Despite the TV time I freely acquire I am too broke to afford one. I took my sister out to dinner with the gift certificate though. I also ended up opening for Aretha Franklin in a pre-show event I did as a result of a contest I won. Things were good. They had to be. Did I mention that everything went downhill for sometime when the winter came?

The fall of 2009 had been a rough one. The year sucked. The pilot that I had made didn’t get picked up. I had a few people I knew from back in the day pass on. Because of the market crashing the telegram job slowed and money was tight so I began working promos. And it seemed the momentum from the year before had been lost. But when fall came, things began to open up. I was a finalist in a contest, produced my own one woman show several venues, and was putting away some good sets. One day though, after a harrowing day of promotional modeling, I ended up going to do a shoot for a promo for Who’s Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? The day was gray and I lugged myself to Grand Central. I waited in line and they called me. Standing there was Jeff Foxworthy! We kibitzed for a few and then they began shooting. I was taken aback at how wonderfully kind and humble he was. I could have taken him or left him, but after that day I became a fan. When I got out of Grand Central the sun was shining. Something told me my fortune would change. It did. One week later the promo was on television. Everyone saw it as usual but me. Sure, 2009 had sucked but this coming year would be better.

When 2010 rolled around I was doing more of my own work and things had been so uncertain though. The summer ended with Roger and I no longer speaking and then him ultimately passing away which made me sad. However, in his passing I always say he left a bit of his spirit with me. Around the week he passed, I got an opportunity to talk to the execs of a show called My Strange Addiction. On craigslist they had been looking for someone addicted to ventriloquism. I had worked in the clubs with my children, performed with them all day, and then street performed in places that they would let me as well as impromptu performances in public. They approved me in a day. Needless to say, we all know how that ended and it ended happily. During the press tour and after, I could feel Roger’s spirit around me guiding me because he had always wanted fame and recognition. However, it also made me realize that idiot, negative men, the ones Roger couldn’t give up, were what helped lead him to an early grave. Suddenly it became easier to say no to those morons. They didn’t look so attractive. In  order to focus and be positive I began kickboxing. These were good changes.

The fall of 2011 was eventful. I was part of TechCrunch Disrupt with YouNow during their early days when I was a talking head. We had rehearsals all day and then we performed all night for the nerds at the conference. I secretly wished a rich one would pick me up. I also began courting my fans who recognized me and my babies from out television appearance. I called them my poppy seeds. Actually, they were christened by a fan of mine who was in this country illegally and knows no English. I also began dating a celebrity which was an adventure. While he was older, this man was a comedy legend. Dimsdale as I call him won both a Tony and an Emmy. It also looked like I was going to go with one publishing house but didn’t, and I began filming a TV show for Koldcast network. My episode of Pig Roast with Otto and George also aired. I found that I enjoyed mountain biking. The season ended with my house getting robbed. You cant have everything. God’s revenge was that my laptop had more viruses than a porn star. Ha ha ha!

What about the fall of 2012? Well my back hurts. It’s not from doing anything dirty, get your mind out of the gutter. It’s from carrying sixty books by myself up my stairs. They are not used books. They are my books. They are entitled I Came, I Saw, I Sang. I have one newspaper who wants to review me and another radio interview today. I already did a magazine interview. We shoot the commercial sometime next week. That’s the aim. Oh things to do. Did I mention Ferragusto where I performed commedia dell arte and ate the most delicious pickled octopus?

On the otherhand, I just want a Pumpkin Spiced Latte and to snuggle up under my blanket with a hottie who will disappear once he starts to speak. Then my puppet children can be alone. But my boss hopefully will have lots of telegrams. It’s an excuse to run through the leaves.

It’s fall people!

Love,

April

Author of I Came, I Saw, I Sang

www.buybooksontheweb.com

877-buy-book