Lately, everything has been a challenge. I cannot tell you
why. It just has been. Life has been difficult. There are days when I will
admit, I would jump into the Hudson River, except the only thing stopping me is
that I would live. Then there are days where I would want to get a
semi-automatic weapon and do away with those who piss me off, except bullets
and guns are mighty expensive these days. Basically, it has been rough.
The last several weeks have seen a shit storm. My landlord
and I got into a shouting match on the phone, and I feared I was going to be
evicted. After which I had my refrigerator replaced after becoming deathly ill.
Apparently when the top half only works as a refrigerator and the bottom does
nothing, you can get sick. Oops. On top of that, someone who talked me out of a
rough time in my life had hit one in his. To solve his physical and emotional
health crisis, he took his own life. As if that wasn’t enough rain, I
experienced a rift in a group of friends of mine with a crazy bitch and her
mean girl toadies that are jealous of all they have done. Every time I see
them, they are always trying to start beef with me. It’s been work not to
strangle them accidentally on purpose, so in order to save my sanity I can no
longer do some things I wanted to do.
On top of that the career has been kind of stupid as of
late. Everyone is dragging their ass with my work that needs to be done. Then
there are some things in the air which has left me waiting. A film of mine
should have advanced in this thing. Yeah….
Then there has been the no money coming in game, and the
paralyzing fear of losing my apartment. As things pick up, people I have been
dealing with have been absolute ass weeds. One producer for this project has
just been a dick who jerks me around. I can’t stand him and I almost want to
tell him, “Consider someone else please.”
The talking head job I had dried up which sucked. I enjoyed
it and worked hard. Not to mention I was the most popular person on the app.
However, my bosses were idiots and ran themselves and their funding into the
ground. They invited me to stay on for free, truth. I was like, no thanks, bye.
Another woman playwright who’s work is probably shit invited
me to audition for her contrived piece, but the way she had the invite there
was no way anyone could schedule anything. Needless to say, I emailed her and
she told me the audition slots were full. Maybe it’s better I didn’t work with
someone who took her hackneyed piece so seriously.
After that, I was almost set to headline a theatre when the
producer tried to talk me down from my original price. He mentioned the sound
man was getting 900, him 600, and me 300. I have friends who don’t have my TV
credits that do the same job for a few grand without getting shit. I was
replaced by some local hack who later backed out. HA!
There have been a few signs things are getting better, but
they never last. Friday I did a job for a family who owns an overpriced bakery
in the Bronx. I have been there and the place is DIRTY! As a matter of fact, I
believe they gave me food poisoning once. Not to mention their servers are
notoriously rude. Anyway, the woman picked me up from the train and she was
ghetto. I get there and did what I was supposed to do. Nevermind these people didn’t
know which train station was which. The girl taking me back to the train was
surly as a mofo. Not to mention she relied on me getting her to the train
station, when she lives and works in the town.
Then my boss called me and asked how it went. He explained
the client called and was super pissed and wanted her money back. My boss said
she told him that they pretended to enjoy the show but they didn’t. It was all
just an act. My boss asked them if they tipped me to which they replied they
did. Basically, they were trying to rip my boss off and had planned this all
along. Every once in a while, we get these clients.
Well so it goes. My boss told me that lately I have been
snippy on the phone and he wondered if I took it out on the client. No, me
being snippy had nothing to do with the client. Just the fact my life and
everything about it has sucked. But maybe I should have taken it out on the
dumbasses.
I also explained that they couldn’t get me to and from the
train they were so dumb, and I was lucky I got out of that town because their
stupidity could have killed me. My boss then asked if I took that out on the
performance. No, but maybe I should have. In the end, they still tried to rip
us off anyway.
On top of that, my boss asked me if I still enjoyed the job.
When the clients aren’t assholes I love it immensely. For the whole summer,
most of the people I delivered to were better than dreams actually. But when I
get assholes wanting a free show or some axe to grind because they just do, no.
There you go, honest answer.
I still got tipped, I still got paid. Those fuckers can turn
on the television and see me from time to time and choke on their fucking
poison canoli’s. Just for fun, I went online and apparently one of their
employees made racist comments towards a bi-racial customer. Then the owner explained
his dark skinned assistant was, “Trying her best for someone who was that way.”
Friday ended splendidly. I got into a street fight with a
stranger. As I was having a meltdown on the street of New York, I was cussing
at the top of my lungs. After all, the only thing stopping me from diving in
front of a train is I might live and become a cripple and have real problems.
The stranger yelled something and I told him to go fuck himself. He told me I
was pathetic and he had more money in the bank than me. I screamed, “You do!
You probably do! Congratulations, you win!!!” To which he didn’t know what to
do or say.
As my life stands, it looks like I am on thin ice at my job.
My career is at a standstill. There is a chunk of people who were once friends
I can no longer call friends. My landlord hates me too. Not to mention while
rent always gets paid, this is one of these months where it will probably
happen by some act of something else.
On the flipside, I am dancing in the storm. I am writing
like I have never written before. Not to mention I am also taking steps to
produce and direct as well as star in my first short, and get funding. I have
some amazing things on the horizon. I have also been taking classes with some
amazing teachers, one being DW Brown, a Meisner expert in Hollywood. My support
system has also been amazing. They have been the only reason I didn’t take the
plunge from the GW Bridge.
The thing about killing yourself is you don’t give life a
chance to get any better. While things feel like cold, hard concrete at the moment,
that also functions as a proverbial trampoline. What comes down must come up.
So now that I have hit cement and am banging my head there I am going to bounce
back up. I have to. I just don’t know when.
By next week my landlord might not hate me. I might be back
on my boss’s good side. My money situation might improve. My career might not
be at a standstill. The world might end, but could we all be so lucky? Either
way, as the shit continues to rain I am no longer protesting it. I am just
letting it hit because soon enough this too shall pass.
Alas, and so it goes.
