My Date With Nazi

I remember about three years ago, a friend of mine set me up with a guy. The premise was that we were both crazy about history. Hell, I think a man who likes history and the war channel is as hot as a McSizzle on a New York summer day. I still remember seeing John's picture. He was cute with dark hair and lady killer blue eyes. We spoke on the phone beforehand, and he said he was looking forward to meeting me. I remember he worked in finance, a good job with lots of money.

We ended up at this fancy Italian Place, and immediately, he began to show his stripes as a history buff. He claimed he went to Penn, another good school. Right away, we began talking about World War II. I still remember the words I said that set the course for a set of events I will never forget.

As a kid, my father read us Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire before school. What I said was World War II was more about race and national pride, and these issues went back thousands of years. Additionally, history shows Germany and Austria had been violently Anti-Semitic, and unfortunately Hitler's view point gained popularity because of centuries old sentiment. Also, Germany had only been an independent country since 1863 give or take. These were centuries old issues that blew the powder keg. Thus they simplify something quite complicated in schools, thus making people's understandings of the true facts at hand problematic.

That is when John looked at me, Lady Killer eyes and said, "Yeah, I am with you. Most people don't understand the issues at hand. Most women dont understand let alone like World War 2."

"Love the War Channel." I told him.

John then said, "You know, while we are on the subject, Hitler was misunderstood. You see, he wanted to be a good ruler to the German people. Hitler was one of the good guys."

My jaw nearly dropped. In my explaining that World War II was often oversimplified, I didnt mean to imply the dictator that killed several million Jews, gypsies, homosexuals and other undesirables was good in any way. There is no way someone with a rational mind and a decent heart can condone such thought let alone behavior.

"You're kidding?" I asked, hoping he was being sarcastic.

"No, I am not. You see, Hitler wanted to get rid of the Jewish problem. You see, they were like the Hiltons. They just got richer as everyone else got poorer. The Jews controlled the banks, blackballed governments, and were responsible for The Great Depression. They were also illegal immigrants in Europe that chose to stay. You see, they were kind of like the Mexicans and Texas. But the Jews slant history. They always do. They write the history books and make Hitler look like a bad guy, never talking about all the good he did for the German people."

 I was so shocked I couldn't move. He wasn't kidding. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. As if that wasn't enough, John went on to say, "Well the Jews also made up the concentration camps as well. Hitler never planned to kill them-"

At that moment I said I had a stomach ache and had to leave. He offered to walk me home but I said that wasn't necessary and ran out of the place. Breathing fresh air with people of all shapes, sizes, and colors living in some sort of peace was a nice landing back to reality. I don't know what was worse, the hate he was spewing or the fact he believed it? Did he intern for David Duke one summer? Oh and the concentration camps were real, and they did plan on eliminating the undesirables. My great uncles helped liberate the Jews. Yeah, it was worse than the pictures. No, they just didnt sit around making this up to punish the Germans. If they did, they must have had a lot of free time. Oh, and it is so hack and unoriginal to blame the Jews. That is so overdone.

Prince Edward was so handsome and he had such a heart to abdicate the throne to be with his love and we all said how romantic. That is, until it was revealed that he was a Nazi sympathizer. Charles Lindburgh was  a great pilot and a hero. That is, until it was revealed he was a Nazi sympathizer. My date was smart and sexy, until it was revealed he was a Nazi sympathizer. Maybe he found his dream Eva Braun after I left. Either way, the friend that fixed us up became an ex friend.

So beware ladies, if a guy is sexy, get to know him. Make sure he isn't a Nazi. Nothing is as unsexy as a Nazi.


Love
April

Dropping the Rock

There is a guy who lives in my neighborhood who I was once friendly with that I will call Bob. We both used to run in the same circles. I was young and crazy, and he kind of had it together. We were more online friends than anything back in the day. Anyway, it looked as if comedy was going to take off for Bob there for a minute. But then he got into a relationship and comedy was on the back burner.

Meanwhile, I cleaned up my crazy mess of a life and started to gain some momentum. Life became about getting spots, performing, and doing all sorts of things. Bob's relationship, meanwhile, ended when he was dumped like a bag of wet laundry. This changed Bob. He went from a nice guy to a jealous, self-centered, bitter harpie of a man. As I began to gain traction, Bob would correct my grammar online. Then he would take other snips at me, along with his little clique. These were online fights, so they were squashed very quickly. After one, Bob wrote me a three page note about how his life sucked after the breakup with his boyfriend. I knew he wasn't in a good place, and it wasn't about the things I was achieving, it was about the fact Bob's life sucked and misery loves company.

Well the peace was short lived. After a string of good things happened for me career wise, Bob proceeded to very publicly bash me online. This was beyond internet fighting, this was slander. Bob was shameless in his barbs, and was even willing to sign his own name. This was brazen and stupid, because Bob and I had many of the same friends. Much of what Bob said wasn't even remotely rooted in truth. More or less it was about that, in his not so humble opinion, I didn't deserve what I was getting. I didn't do things the correct way. I was never supposed to be anything, and now I was becoming something. How could this be? This wasn't a part of the universe according to Bob.

To make matters worse, my former fiance (yes the one I have the different mailing address because of) started a hate group. Bob had once upon a time defended me against this man. A Benedict Arnold move, Bob joined the hate group. For the record, I was not looking, friends told me. Either way, this move was juvenile. This insight into Bob's mind disgusted me though. A few weeks afterwards, I got some letters from some dudes who came across my videos. They told me they loved my videos, and it had been better than the comedy show they had seen with this unfunny comedian named Bob White. I barreled over laughing. God writes better punchlines than anyone.

At first this angered me. I had done nothing to this man to provoke this intense hate. From time to time, I saw him in the neighborhood and just wanted to tell him off. For as fun as it would have been, I stopped myself. That would be stooping to Bob's level, and I do not stoop to conquer. One time, Bob was walking his underfed dog and gave me this angry look. Then again, these days he's pissed off in general cause what is so good about being a self-centered whiner? Oh, and on a hot day last summer I was passing an outdoor eatery and there was Bob with a friend. He proceeded to speak about me as soon as I was out of ear shot. Part of me wanted to say, "Keep talking, Bitch. You have a good subject."

Today I saw Bob walking his dog. I was talking to a hairdresser friend, and Bob walked by. The dog stopped and went for us to pet it. I was not petting Bob's dog. My friend Carlito did, not knowing Bob or his penchant for drama. However, Bob didn't want to stay too long for obvious reasons. So off he went. I thought about telling Carlito what happened between Bob and I, but I stopped myself. It wasn't worth it, because that would mean Bob mattered. Bob wasn't that important. He was just another wannabe in the sea of wannabes who would always be a wannabe.

And why be angry at Bob? He was holding on to a time that was gone. Jealous people are deep down sad, fearful people. They grab without impunity because they are scared they won't get what they want and will lose what they have. Their belief is that they aren't enough, and there won't be enough. There are enough breaks for everyone, and what is meant for one person might not be meant for another.

As Bob walked off, I saw I had no reason to be angry. I had done nothing wrong It was him who should be ashamed, and rightfully so. He had shit where he ate. Bob is an internet cowboy, tough behind a keyboard but lost and confused in the real world. When I see someone like him though, I take it as a lesson on how not to act let alone how not to be. That is why I go out of my way to be happy for others. Because again, there is enough for all of us. Oh, and I am living and doing well which is the rest revenge.

With that, I found myself hoping Bob would find peace, and therefore wouldn't have to act like an arrogant fool much of the time. That he could find happiness, and therefore stop taking the low road, being jealous of others.

Roasting Punxsutawney Phil

I hate winter more and more every day. It is turning into a canker sore on my soul. I hate this season. January sucks, February is better because work picks up but still sucks. Either way, when I think of winter, I think of death. Sometimes it gets so depressing why not die?

There is nothing like dying in the winter. Then again, a lot of people do it so the notion is kind of hack. Of course in the winter you are more likely to be alone so death is more likely to occur. However, death never comes when you need it to or want it to. So you are suck in your bed looking like a miserable fool. Then there is the thought of killing yourself. Yes, one could use the Sylvia Plath method but they made gas ovens in those days. We have electronic now, so scrap that. As for the overdose, everyone's done that too. Jumping out the window, so tempting but useless if you have the wrong outfit. Truth is, while winter sucks you are better off living.

Still, the little fat bastard Phil has sentenced us to six more weeks. So far this winter has been very dark for me. I am sitting in a lot of career uncertainty. Basically, I don't know what's next for me. Hey, with death at least you know you're gonna die. With uncertainty it's this dark tunnel. The outcome might well be wonderful, but then it might end in a barren desert. Of course, when you try to relay this to people they try their best/worst to help.

"You had a good run April, but it's a time for spiritual growth."

"You know, you could always do my project. You've gained exposure. I mean, I can't pay you but...."

"You're young, you have time."

I wish I could point to some path that looks like there is light at the end of my tunnel it feels like I am travelling in only the darkness. The fall/winter was kind of dark. Things got busy with work and I found myself poised to save Christmas. My grandfather died, too. It seemed all I did was work my fingers to the bone. As for this winter I was hoping to get a break but no. It's the slow time of year for my job. Money is tight. It's cold. My writing has been rejected from a few places. As a smart, ambitious, capable woman I am once again kicked in the face and forced to settle for crumbs.

Then those around me cannot wait to take cheap shots at me now that my chest is open. Whether it's washed up women showing uterus pictures on facebook or men seeking to oppress me because I have opinions, I feel as if I can't win. Oh and Phillip Seymour Hoffman died. We met once when I was having a bad day, but I needed a friend and he comforted me. I didn't know it was him until he rode off on his bike. What hurts the most is that he didn't realize how wonderful he was when we had him. Oh, and the Broncos sucked. While Bruno Mars did rock out a good half time show, it is proof America celebrates men who hate women, and women in this country don't have a voice. The only good thing is Amanda Knox might be going back to jail.

The only thing I have on my side is that it has to get better because it can't get any worse. Winter sucks for everyone. I have six more weeks of this cursed shit and so does everyone. Instead of dying I think I will just find the nearest groundhog and make groundhog burgers.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Free Ride

Yesterday I wasn't feeling so hot. I met the girls for lunch early that morning with a du-rag on my head looking like Mr. Jinga Janga. I had curlers. I was to be MM strip to a bikini,okay Marilyn Monroe. There had been some drama with my book. Amazon was out of stock.People want to order but are scared. Got my first royalty statement but they didn't include the books sold out on Amazon so we will be chatting Monday which is cool cause I like my publisher. My ebook is behind schedule. Then there is other press related drama I will not even get into.

I got to Penn to jump on the LIRR and began to have a meltdown in the station. I am twenty eight fucking years old. Why am I not farther along in my career? Why am I not farther along in my life? Maybe I watched too many movies where it came easier for the protagonist. In the end she gets the man. Nevermind she looks like a stripper, she gets the castle. Did I mention I always secretly prayed Julia Roberts got creamed by a mac track as I got older? She made being a hooker look so glamorous and easy.

I went to try to pitch my book to a store in my spare time. The apathetic clerk who looked pissed he was probably using his Skidmore degree to ring up books said, "You have to go through a distributor." No shit Sherlock. Like I don't know that. I am an indie book. Clearly you don't own a television or computer. Otherwise you would have seen I was on Britney Spears's website, bitch! Then his partner,who probably had more of a love for the written word than pure disdain for those purchasing said, "The manger is here everyday from 9-5. They do occasionally sell indie books." He smiled at me and gave me a sticker.No matter what happens, when I am uber successful, I will remember that man.

I sometimes think I get doors slammed in my face because I am not only the only one like myself, but I am a woman. If I were a man who took the swing I did on Rachael Ray, I would be a legend. If I were a man with puppets on TLC, I would be a legend. Oh and if I were a man who wrote a book that was about to be published I would be in stores.Of course there are the whiny women's comedy collectives who moan about how comedy is a man's world. They are cliquish, obnoxious, and frankly don't even know what discrimination is first hand.

I have been bumped by lesser deserving male comedians because they had a TV credit in 2006 and it is now 2012, but apparently there hasbeen plaque has more cache because of their gender. It had nothing to do with ability or talent. Then after they have the nerve to view me as a sex object they tell me when I don't have the info on crowd work because God forbid I came from another spot they say, "Perhaps this isn't for you." I just want to say, oh really, this hasn't been for you since Last Comic Standing 4 in 2006 or something, hence last because it was the last big thing you did you washed up piece of shit. How's the day job? How's the stupid radio program you do for free?

Of course I could go on all day about the chip I have on my shoulder. On the other hand,my revenge on these simple SOBs is to have the better career. I have my list of names. When the time comes they are F-U-C-K-E-D. Same with the stupid bitches who whine about sexism and men oppressing them when they are too ugly to be discriminated against. Hey, they talk shit on Brit Brit because they could never have her career.

Then I remembered delivering a singing telegram from Blake Mallen two weeks ago. Blake is the CEO of ViSalus. To make a long story short, the order almost sent me to an early grave. They needed Scotch,then they wanted me in CT, then the guy was in NYC!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! But in the end it turned out to be one of my best deliveries ever. I got to like the mystery man I never met who lives in LA. His assistants were very nice. He thought out of the box. And on his blogs he is super motivating. I pictured Blake giving me some pump me up speech not to give up.

Suddenly I wanted Blake to pull up in his limo and take me to his private island. Screw work, screw my book, screw the world. But Blake would inform me that I had a terrible attitude. He would tell me to go for it.

Then I remembered Blake and I never met.

My train came and I got to the station early. If anyone asked my name I would tell them No One. I didn't want to engage. I felt like crying in a corner. This whole damn book thing is too much. I wondered why I couldn't be fat and whiny like the women comedians who whine about male comedians and their sexism when not even Stevie Wonder would take a stab at that thing? I wondered why I couldn't have impressive boobs and be stupid as hell and just get walk on roles like all those girls who blew their way to the top? I wondered why I couldn't be a man?

Just then a Jamaican dude asked if I needed a ride. He operated a gypsy cab. I got in and told him where to go.He informed me that the ride would be free because he was going that way anyway. For the first time in my flurry I calmed down. I had just gotten a free ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him I would be willing to give him some dough. He laughed and told me it was alright. He was headed to the airport where the real money was,and that I was to have a good night.

Maybe I have issues with my book, but my issues are exciting. Maybe I have problems, but my problems are a luxury.

The gig went swimmingly and on the way back I was recognized by a fan.

I is AWESOME!

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Person

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