Hey Jealousy (Gin Blossoms)

When I was growing up, I remember my mother once told me, "A jealous child is an ugly child, and I didn't raise an ugly child."

Yes, good old jealousy. The Green Eyed Monster if you will. Things are going alright in our lives until we meet that person that is smarter, more athletic, or better looking than us. Sometimes they are all three of these things in a blender, an overachiever with no seeming faults. Meanwhile, they are human and have faults. We all do. But we have our blinders on. Why can't we be them? Or worse yet, it's that someone we view as inferior that gets the job we so desperately want, the house we dreamed of, or covets the object of our affection. We all have been the target or experienced it. Welcome to this wonderful journey called life.

I still remember when I saw The Green Eyed Monster in action. At the time I was 14 and doing the summer teen program at The Pittsburgh Playhouse. There were two groups, Musical Theatre and Acting. When parts were distributed, I got a decent supporting role despite not having come up through that feeder system like some of the others. One girl got the lead in the musical. A beautiful mezzo, she also had a shock of gorgeous red hair. However, not everyone was so eager to toast her winning. Her fellow cast mates were quick to report on how she was slow to learn some of her lines, had trouble with some of her music, and wasn't as strong as a dancer. They also said she was a "stuck up bitch."

Well I saw this girl whom I will call Belinda in action. None of this was true. Her voice was perfect, as was her acting and dancing. Belinda Carson was one of the only true triple threats I have met in my life. She also came to support our show, and gave me a huge hug and told me how great I was. I found Belinda lovely and talented. These idiots, on the other hand, were looking for dents in her suit of armor that weren't even there. So they took it upon themselves to create little chinks. Truth be told, I was disgusted by all of them. Most of all, because some of my so called friends in the program went out of their way to bad mouth her, I believed she was the bitch they said she was. They were wrong, and when they described her they were really just talking about themselves. It was a lesson to say the least.

High school of course is where that crap flourishes. I remember freshmen year bon fire when two of my friends, both close, decided to fight over a high school guy who wasn't worth it. Needless to say it was a cat fight. The loser guy, like most men who let women cat fight over them, sat back and enjoyed the show. Both of my friends decided they were no longer friends after the hair pulling and stuff. And by the way, Sir Lancelot created this situation by lying to the both of them. Afterwards, both would bad mouth the other in front of the one I was with. It got to be a lot, so much I ended by friendship with both of them. And they were fighting over what? A guy. Big deal. They do the same tricks and all have the same equipment.

And then there was the literary magazine. My first two years, we had editors who decided to trash both love and God poems. Most of the love and God poems were awful. I get it. However, sometimes poems would be trashed based on the fact the person that wrote them was from a "popular" group. One cheerleader wrote a poem that wasn't half bad, but they trashed it because she was a member of the pom squad. Another football player wrote something that again, was actually decent. They trashed it because he was a jock. For a bunch of people who claimed they hated bullying and oppression, it seemed they were inflicting the torture whenever they got the chance.

This is a lot of the reason I didn't enjoy high school. I loved my teachers, classes, and friends. But I didn't care for this drama filled bullshit. Yeah, I had a cable access TV show. Now it is "awesome" according to people that I grew up with when I am on TV. In high school, it made me the butt of snide snips by a bunch of idiots who had no goals and weren't doing anything with their lives. Now people think it's incredible that I am a ventriloquist. But my gym class in high school didn't, especially when they tormented me daily. Oh and people think it's cool when I publish and write books. Winning writing awards doesn't make you popular with ANYONE in high school. This shit was so oppressive that I almost elected to leave high school a year early.I even had a scholarship to a college, too. My Pops told me if I stayed for my senior year I could go to New York.

I can't say I was always white as snow in not getting jealous. In high school there was a girl who was a great singer and dancer that got a tour senior year. I wanted that. Everyone thought she was going to be famous. In my simply wired mind, if she was successful I couldn't be. Truth was, I got into NYU and went to New York. She toured for a bit and then got married. She didn't became famous, but sings in a successful event band. I have my life and she has hers. Yeah, she is still the better singer. Not to mention she has a great husband and great family. I would be blessed if I had a husband that loved me and supported me as much as hers does, and a son who was a third as cute. Yeah, I am a career woman in NYC. It doesn't mean I don't salute and support her gifts.

Things also got a little tense with rivals in high school, especially around musical time. When I got the Wicked Witch lead, there were people who wanted to claw my eyes out. One of my rivals especially did. However, I found myself jealous of her because she was a great test taker and kicked my ass on both the SATs and PSATs. Another rival made no secret of the fact that she wanted my role, but it seemed like she could take it away because her voice was that much better. So yeah, occasionally we all locked horns on the Aztec Ball Court of Achievement. But as time went on, we became more focused on our sides of the street. We went our different ways, and I am the only one still performing. They have fulfilling lives though, and most importantly are happy. Actually, they have grown up to the point where they follow me and support me sometimes. It is a kind turn around. It shows we have all grown up.

In my early days in New York I was guilty of being jealous. I sized my competition up. She was prettier and I was never going to get those spots. I wasn't an ethnic comic, therefore I was never going to get the "easy breaks." In an art form dominated by men, I felt like the doors closed on my fingers like coffins because I was a female. As a prop act, there was no way I was ever going to make it.  Or they were a suck up so they only got the spots in the stuffy rags. As I continued this compare and despair I began to walk a rocky, slippery slope. Nothing was happening and I didn't know why.

Then one day I met one of the people getting what I wanted, and they were gracious and kind. We had a chit chat actually, and we agreed jealous only set a person back. Also, after that chat it occurred being jealous meant you had a fear that there was never enough. You were grabbing for what was there because you were afraid there would never be enough, perhaps you might lose what you already have. And being friends and knowing successful people didn't mean there would be no breaks or chances. It instead meant good energy was around you. As I began recommending friends with certain skills for jobs, they did the same for me.

I began to see there was enough. And I started to focus on my game, my side of the street. I began to see everyone's path was different. Doors began to open. I began to get the coveted spots. I got published in the so called stuffy rags. Most importantly, I began to be happy for other people. I also began to realize every opportunity was not mine. Therefore I could enjoy the skills of others. Some of my coworkers at the telegram company have impressive voices. Other friends of mine can paint and draw. Some write excellent poetry and take fabulous photos. I can enjoy gifts that aren't mine. And they can laugh at my hacky jokes and enjoy my puppets.

In closing, this terrible behavior on the part of others is still difficult for me to deal with as an entertainment person. Several days ago I was assailed by a whacky belly dancer online, whom when I saw her live should have taken the stage name Titanic because her fat ass just sank. She attacked me for no reason, and just went below the belt telling lies. What had I done to her? Then I remembered I performed well and stole the spotlight on a night that was supposed to be hers. (I was just performing well and doing my job, sorry).

Then I remembered my mom saying, "A jealous child is an ugly child, and I didn't raise an ugly child."

Sorry you weren't raised better. Sorry you are such an ugly child. 

The Importance of Being Happy For Others

The entertainment industry is competitive to say the least. You always have to be on top of your game. Someone is always prettier, younger, a better singer, a more skilled dancer, funnier, a more awesome wordsmith, you name it. That is why it is important to know who you are and have a good attitude. That brings me to another matter, the journey. You work for that moment in time. Sometimes it comes quickly, sometimes it comes slowly. As you sweat away at the odd jobs you wonder when will it happen?

As I said for some it happens quickly. Sometimes they are at the right place at the right time. Whether they have a certain look, are a part of the hottest ethnic trend (especially true in comedy), or just have the right connections it seems like it falls into their lap. Sometimes it happens slowly. There are people, especially character actors and comedians, who slave for years unknown in theatres and live on the poverty line until they are almost forty. Suddenly we talk about how awesome they are. Am I repeating myself? Yes. I am making a point.

When it happens quickly for some, or seemingly so, it can be easy to fall into the trap of jealousy. It not only denotes a lack of gratitude, but also takes away the focus from you and your goals. I remember several years ago, as it seemed everyone's career was taking off and mine was not, I found myself saying some awful things about others who were "making it" on comedian car trips. The convo started where someone brought up a guy who got something and we ragged on him as a good looking douche bag. We never talked about how we worked hard touring most of the year and was living out of his car. Or we talked about a hottie who wore next to nothing that was on TV a lot. We never spoke about her work ethic or the fact she never took no for an answer. We wanted to hate. It put the focus on them and took the focus off of us and our shortcomings.

Then things started to happen for me. Some of it was luck. Much of it was hard work. I found my fellows, people I once called friends, turn on me. Some showed their true colors by sharing their feelings about me anonymously online. Others would smile to my face but as soon as they believed I was out of ear shot they would gossip. Then there were those who stopped speaking to me in general. These were people I shared car rides with, or kvetched about how the business was giving us all the short end of the stick. Now they were strangers when they saw me. Finally, there were those who went right for the jugular. Once I came to an open mic and made an off the cuff comment and someone who had once been a friend bit my head off to the point where I was near tears. Another time I mentioned to someone I had too many facebook friends and she replied, "The more friends on facebook the less friends in real life." Another friend if you will. Suddenly I found myself alone, angry, and wondering why this was happening.

I got a worse dose of kharma. Someone who I had gossiped viciously about came to my defense and sought me out to tell me how proud she was of not only my career, but where I was going. Then it occurred to me. If I wanted people to be happy for me, I had to learn to be happy for others. Not only because it was good energy,  but I knew how it felt when people were mean and nasty in response to my success.

So here are some things you need to remember, and it will help you be happy for others.

1. You never know how hard someone had to work or what someone had to go through prior to what they achieved. Despite outward appearances, they may have a hellacious backstory. They may have escaped an abusive husband, terrible childhood, lived in a car. Or they might have worked hard, busting their behinds and working their fingers to the bone paying their dues in ways you could never imagine. So they might not just deserve this. They might triple deserve this. Envy is not only arrogant, but it shows a total lack of general awareness.

2. Say they did just get lucky. Luck eventually runs out. Just remember every dog has their day. And just as that dog is having their day, you will too soon enough.

3. Everyone's path is different. The way I explain this to young people is during the race everyone starts at the same place. However, eventually everyone goes to different lanes in the race. Some people continue performing. Others work behind the scenes. Some become writers. Then there are those who become managers and club owners. The beautiful part is, if you continue to run the race and focus on your own game, everyone who finishes the race ends up working together.

4. They may have worked for this particular thing. Yes, sometimes people get breaks and we are like, what! Well if they have been singing since they were little and get a record contract, they worked for it. If they have been auditioning for years for a Broadway show and book a role, they worked for that. If they have been slaving away in the comedy clubs for years and book a TV special. They worked for that. Yes, they earned it. This was their gift. Get over it and move on.

5. Not Every Break Is For You. While it would be awesome to be right for every job that comes your way, it just ain't going to happen. A few years ago a classmate of mine from college was in a Tyler Perry flick. It was cool to see her on screen. But also, there was no way in hell I was even going to be scouted for that job. Another classmate of mine did a stunt job. Wasn't getting that one either. Just as they probably weren't going to be called for the puppet stuff. So concentrate on who you are and what you are good at.

6. This Might Be It For Them. Back in the day a girl I knew graduated high school early and got a national tour. I was pissed. Why not me? My mom told me that I should be happy, because this girl was probably reaching her peak. Yes, my mom was right. Soon after that tour, she worked in Disney, met her husband and got married. While she now sings in a corporate wedding band with her husband, she did not have the big Broadway career she was touted to have. So be happy for them, this might be their first and last.

7. Hocus Pocus Keep The Focus. Yes, focus on your own damn game. The more time you spend grinding your teeth and wishing for them to break both legs in a car crash in time taken away from achieving your goals and reaching where you need to be. Their game is their game. Yours is yours. Focus on yours. That is the only way to win.

8. It's A Marathon. Several years ago, it seemed like several people got things handed to them. Well when things got hard they decided this wasn't for them and quit. I also ran into several women who decided the path was to be a wife and mother instead of an artist. Bottom line, while someone might run out of the gate quick it doesn't mean they finish the race. Part of success is staying in the game. When you continue to show up and play, it will pay off.

9. Use Their Success To Inspire You. After writing my book, I remember seeing at Brown I was on the bookself next to Junot Diaz. At NYU I was next to Ophira Eisenberg. One won a MacArthur Fellowship. The other has a movie deal. In the old days I would have said, "Screw them both." Now I flip the script and say, "Look at who I am blessed to share shelf space with. Maybe I could do these amazing things too if I keep up the good work."

10. Jealousy Doesn't Have The Outcome You Want. Yes, bad mouthing that jiggle bunny in the low cut dress feels good. Or spreading the rumor that she got her record contract because she blew some dude feels better. But you also look like a total tool. Or doing something to ruin someone's efforts blows up in your face. Bottom line, jealousy is a terrible color and makes you look like a vicious troll that lives under a bridge.

Hope I helped

Follow your dreams and your heart

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com