Falling in Love (Miami Sound Machine)

Spring is trying to happen. Winter is like that girl at a party that won't leave. You drop all the hints the party is over. You are taking the table cloth off. You are throwing away the empty plates. Hell, you are even turning on the TV and putting on your PJs and there she is. It's sunny outside but there is this wind. Yes, there she is. Winter, party guest that just doesn't get the hint.

I have been thinking an awful lot about love and relationships for some reason. It has been forever and a day since I had a man. The weather reminds of the last time I had a lover. Actually, he was like Tony Manero from Saturday Night Fever. A Brooklyn asshole and perpetual ladies man, he basically lied to me to get whatever he wanted and needed. Yet I found him funny and enjoyed his company. He catted around with anything that had a vagina and a pulse. Yet when I would mention another dude he would flip. I was out and about the other night when his name came up. Someone said they thought he was the best at what he did and admired his body of work. The whole notion made me want to vomit. Do they know he uses women to further his career? Do they know he hasn't been someone since 2007? Do they know I seriously did enjoy his company as I said before he transformed into his asshole self?

The weird thing is, I liked him a lot even still. Tony Manero has been crossing my mind an awful lot. Word on the street was he liked me a lot. But alas, he was a Brooklyn asshole. I did like him and thought maybe he could eventually turn into a boyfriend but that faded pretty quickly.

I also find myself evoking feelings for a friend of mine. Things got crazy between us for a minute. It was the type of thing where he could always read my mind. Kind of crazy kind of sort. I know this sounds like the diary of a high school girl. Anyway, he a major workaholic and is always on thin ice with his woman. Once I heard them talking on the phone and she was screaming at him. I mean yelling. It's not like he was sneaking around. No, he was working. And he was nothing like Tony Manero. Actually just the opposite. He was sweet, very sweet. Outwardly he is different than me. While he is quiet, he is far from shy. Anyway, we had been friends for a number of years and when he tells a story he is fantastically funny. Well a year ago it became apparent he was into me and I was into him. Needless to say, I don't think he was into me because he was into me. It was because he was on thin ice at home, I am more like one of the guys, and I was a woman with a pulse he could speak to.

Anyway, he had another friend who was kind of into me. I was kind of into his friend too who was a bit of a bad boy. Needless to say my buddy got a tad jealous and the two kind of got into it over me. I am not talking all out street fight but they were just doing that testosterone loaded bitchy snipping. Apparently his pal had a lady too. But it didn't stop his pal from catting around. These dudes, sigh.........

I heard from this buddy two weeks ago and he wants to hang out at some point. Maybe he is single. God I almost hope so. It's not that I dislike his lady, I actually kind of like her. I just feel like they are wrong for each other. Even if I didn't have a thing for him somewhat I would still feel that. She's really girly and really demanding. Who knows? Maybe my pal likes getting his ass kicked. I should have asked if he was single. Apparently they are having a party in a week or two. I will find out then. The whole thing was kind of strange when it happened because I didn't think this pal would have ever been into me. He is the type who really has his pick of the ladies when he is single. Plus he's had years to make a move. Who knows? Men are straaaannnnnnnnngggggggeeeee creatures.

The impending warm weather finds me wanting to have a romantic partner just to have nice dinner's with. That's what I miss about the last official Mr. April Brucker. He was a liar and had other downfalls but he knew a good place to eat. I just want someone to take me out to eat and to dress up for. Hell the weather reminds me of the first time I met him. I also find myself replaying the tape of that relationship and how I was just a horrendous girlfriend. Granted, we were also a terrible match. His current lady hates me. However, he was the first man I ever shared my dreams with. I want to drop him a line and tell him about all the exciting things I am doing with myself. About how I am doing all the things we always talked about me doing. Then again, his current fat whats her face has said some terrible things about me so that's not happening.

The other day a hottie from Turkey helped me carry my groceries to my door. That was nice of him, and he was a total young jack. I could have had a spring fling with him. Another guy I met on the street offered me a role in a porno. I wanted to know if the job had health benefits because one can get STDs doing that kind of work. He still didn't return my text.

There is a basketball court across the street from me. The other day a bunch of young dudes with spring fever were taking off their shirts and playing a spirited game. The yelling and cheering was so loud and had so much bro kick to it I could hear it in my apartment. Like a spooky person peering from her window I watched. Hell, I was a spooky person peering from her window.

I figured maybe I could meet my next dream man there. It's better than scouting the methadone clinic like I usually do for rainbow meat. Then I remember I am a broken toy with lots of baggage that has been dropped a gazillion times. I also think maybe I give people too much credit for being normal and don't give myself enough. Then I see the basketball game and realize they are all fifteen and just look really adult for their ages.

Screw the methadone clinic. I am going to the court house to look for defendants. They will appreciate my hot little outfits. Hey, they might not see a woman for the next 20 years and spring is coming up. And when that ends, maybe I can date their lawyer and live happily ever after. Until then, it's too cold for such nonsense. The dream of the fake lover boy will have to wait.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com
Come see me
Metropolitan Room
April 22nd at 7pm

Beat of Love (Regina)

It is the first warm day in forever. Man do I have such cabin fever. First thing is first, I have been itching like a bitch to come out of my house. I usually don't book many live shows in the winter. It's not because I am lazy. It's because the likelihood of them getting cancelled is quite good. Between the cold, snow, and other natural elements cramping my style I more or less write and make videos. Plus if they do happen, attendance is sparse.

I am wearing a cute little outfit that is a gift from a friend. I figure, why not? I just need to have some warm spring adventures. Yes, this means finding love. It has been forever since I had a real boyfriend. When I was younger I had the fiance which was a disaster. Then I had a boyfriend. Actually, I am having some of the same things happen to me when this last real boyfriend entered my life. I am getting some good career news, and again am kind of spear heading a project I was only tapping then. I still have the same dreams, and again they are unfolding before my eyes.  But yet I feel lonely as freaking hell.

I almost miss talking to that ex because we have so much in common. I mean, he did some things well. He was a food and wine snob. He had a nice condo. Granted, he bored me otherwise and his mom was cat shit crazy. Oh and his female bestie tortured me whenever she could because she wanted him, and always knew much too much about our relationship....boundaries much. Still, it was the first time in my life someone I dated hadn't been to jail. As a criminal lawyer, he was not far away from being a convict. It rocked my freaking sense of trust when I found out he was a pathological liar. His current whatever the fuck she is occasionally harasses me. She has been quiet for sometime. Maybe they adjusted her meds or maybe she found a new drug to make her fat ass nod off. So no, we ain't getting back together, thank Jesus.

It's weird, it has been forever and a day since I walked down the street holding someone's hand. Or I had a picnic in the park with someone. I forget how much fun that can be. Better yet, then there is the dinner with a dude. Yeah, I have dinner with male friends who are gay but it's not the same. I don't know. It's just.....something you want when it is warm.

Yeah, I had Holden. You read all about him. He got wrapped up in drugs and all my friends scolded me when I cried codependent tears for him. Now he's sobered up, found God, and let me just say he is more annoying than ever. Have you ever found yourself missing someone who did drugs and slept with men for money? I did once he started quoting The Big Book of AA and Scriptures. I never thought I found myself missing someone who was such a mess. Actually, he is just a different mess. Either way, he is now working at Sears and is with a woman just as crazy as he is. Good, they deserve each other. Still, it was one of the few times in my life that I said I love you and meant it.

Then of course there are the other satellites that I miss. There is Dead Beat Daddy, whom was just bad news in so many different ways. The last time I saw him he gave me this hug like he did nothing wrong and none of what happened between us was his fault whatsoever. But I find myself missing the initial connection we had at the beginning. Cancer guys, always the perfect dudes in the beginning but always have a deep dark secret and then they turn into their asshole selves. In there I also miss some other dudes I clicked with. Yes, I mean Richie who didn't exactly have his life together and neither did I but he was sweet. I also missed the celebrity I dated briefly, but he is on to someone new. Then a fling I had once upon a time is getting married which is strange.

The one entering my mind that is kind of weird is a crush I had last year. He was working on this project with me. It was all kind of crazy. Holden was in and out of my life, more out. Still, I was kind of hung over from the experience. Anyway, I developed a crush on this dude. It was hard to say whether or not he liked me back. Sometimes I thought he did. Sometimes it was that I didn't even exist. Actually, he was kind of shy and studious and all that shit I am not normally attracted to. It's not that he was being rude, he was just, I dunno. I mean, he knew my name and all but he was always surrounded by beautiful women. I didnt have a prayer. In the end we just ended up as friends. It was for the best. My life would have killed him. Still, he was adorable. I don't think he knew I was crushing on him which was for the best but still. I don't think he was smart enough to catch on. I also think I was way overworked, way lonely, and he was just way there.

I get all sorts of fan mail from dudes who have seen me on TV. Some want to date me which is cool. I dunno, it is cool. Most of my fans are dudes. I don't even know what I am trying to say at this point. I feel like a fat, pathetic, thirteen year old girl. I guess what I am trying to say is, for as much male attention as my career has gotten me, I am still shy to the point of being pathetic. I don't know how to approach a dude. As for being a girlfriend I am a complete disaster. Between my laser career focus, my too much baggage, and lack of kitchen skill no man wants me. At least no dude with his shit together. I wouldn't know how to treat a nice dude if I had one.

You know what? The warm weather is damaging my fucking brain. I am just going crazy cause I have worked like a slave at the galley all winter. Because of it I am in a favorable position. I will be busy again. I am just having some insanity. Thank God it will be cold tomorrow. That way I can't make too many bad decisions this week

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com