Damaged and Proud

I recently released a country single called “Hell No, Joe.” It was written when I was at the end of my rope. Yes, with men and all they entail. It’s something about being lied to one too many times that finally makes a New Yorker write a country song. Sure, there are women who go home and cry after being lied to. I don’t take it lying down. I get even in a way that benefits me and makes them look like the losers they are.

At 20, I had my heart broken by an older man who didn’t want to be my boyfriend but wanted the benefits package. So I took my act to the comedy clubs of New York and proved funnier than him. Eventually we became friends, but his wife doesn’t like me. She wants to be a writer of some sort. Well, after she stopped speaking to me, I published my book. Hers is still collecting dust in the drawer.

Then we have all heard about the former fiancé to the point where we want to vomit. However, I got back at this abusive prick by putting him in my comedy routine where he will be forever vilified. Not to mention my puppet children, the ones he tried to take away, have joined me on national television. People have told me they enjoy my children, and we will never part ways again. I also think of my former fiancé terrorizing me and threatening to kidnap me when I didn’t return. These things only motivated me more. Now my ex sees me on television and is forced to swallow it. And he told me I was unfunny and no one liked me.

Of course how can I forget the liar lawyer? Yes, the one who I trusted after all that happened to me. The one who I poured my heart out to and told about my dreams. Well, he lied about everything and truly broke my heart. Sure, I was less than loyal but I never completely trusted him. What does he do? As soon as things end, the jerkoff slimes around in my social circle and goes after the fatter, uglier, more psychotic version of myself. I wouldn’t care, except he has pitted her against me, and there have been times her harassment has been so terrible I nearly had to take legal action. No matter, I get my revenge by living well and doing well. She hasn’t bothered me in some time which has been great. But it makes me wonder, why can’t my ex-lovers and their current squeezes leave me alone? 

So when Holden came along, he was the one I truly loved. Sure, he had to leave the area because he had legal drama. Yeah, he was every mother’s nightmare. But he was kind and had a good heart. Holden wanted to be my boyfriend. He didn’t want the simple benefits without the title. Holden was proud of my career and would tell anyone that listened about me. He didn’t make me give up what I loved. Add in that Holden never lied to me, and despite all the issues he had with drugs and bipolar disorder, Holden never pitted his druggie babes against me. Yes, there is a part of me that will always love him. However, there is a special kind of sting that goes with knowing love isn’t enough to remedy addiction and mental illness.

That is when Hell No, Joe enters. Oh yes, the one I thought was going to be the answer to my prayers after Holden. Yes, the one who laid it on real thick and made me feel good about myself. Yes, the one who it turned out tried to use me to further his career and for a place to live. I was the perfect target for that cad. I think that’s what made Hell No, Joe the hardest. It was as if he staked me out. Yes, April the lonely career woman. That is why I snapped and gave Joe his own country song.

Most women would probably jump off a cliff if they had my dating history. Yet I won’t. Nice guys don’t want me and I am okay with that. Many so called nice guys are judgmental pricks with a stick up their asses. The second they hear one of my exes was a fugitive at one point, they put some pep in their step. Not to mention they try to pin my bad luck with men on me. Maybe I do play a role in my shit luck with the male gender, but there is nothing like an entitled dickhead who never had a bad day in their life telling you how to lead yours. Bitch please.

Or add in the so called nice girls who have always done everything right. They are kind of disgusting to me, too. Yes, the ones who married and lived happily ever after. The ones who I scare to death. Newsflash, your husband wants me. He slipped me his number. I didn’t take it because I don’t want you to chase me in your black sedan. You will because you have no existence outside a man and your life is that empty. And it’s his job to sexually disappoint you, I have shit to do.

Maybe this is why my friends are such characters, because I can relate. I don’t relate with someone who lives on the straight and narrow and is easily successful. That person bores me and makes me vomit. I can’t identify with people who have never been so angry that they could choke the bejesus out of someone. Heck, I don’t know how to talk to someone who’s big goal is to get married and have children. Truth, just as I scare that person, that person scares me.

Eh, I have lived a little. So have my friends. Some have been to jail, and I have visited them there. Others have been to drug treatment, and I have visited them there. Then there are those who have made the front page of the news, and I have cheered them on because I identify with their antics. Of course some join cults and I marvel at their stupidity, but then I am there when they ascend back to Earth.

Recently I took a test on BuzzFeed. The quiz was entitled, “What Kind of Pimple Are You?” I answered the question and I got a scar. Yes, I have lived and have some character behind me. However, because I have lived I would give my last quarter to anyone in need, because I know how it feels to be destitute. I would also listen with a nonjudgmental ear to someone in love with the wrong person. Of course I would try to guide them out of that. Not to mention if someone did fuck up big, I would make them laugh about it because unless you have killed someone, nothing in this world is permanent. I will not help you hide the body, but will give you perspective. Felonies are where I draw the line.

In a way, I am glad I have had the shitty things happen to me that have been put in my path. As a result, I am not afraid of anything, even death. My bad luck streaks have always helped push me to the next level, because there is nothing like proving an oppressive bully wrong. I also know that in the end I only have myself to depend on, and lovers are like the tide, they come and go. Of course, I make less terrible decisions these days. However, every bad decision has at least one good story if the bad decision doesn’t kill you.

No wonder I wrote a country song. The Huffington Post Featured my video. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/april-brucker/hell-no-joe-why-i-wrote-a_b_6038728.html

The next level is just around the corner for me. So to all that have kicked me and beaten me down, thank you. Without you I would not be the woman I am today. xoxox

www.aprilbrucker.com

A Letter To Winter

Dear Winter,

I am breaking up with you.

It's not you, it's me. Actually, it is you. You are cold, unfeeling, icy, and abusive. Not to mention you don't care about my thoughts, my plans, my feelings, ME!!! As a matter of fact, we have been over the same things time and time again. At the beginning of March, you are supposed to open up. Be warm. Give us hope. Instead, you promised you would and as usual you LIED!

I tried everything I could to accommodate your terrible behavior. I have changed my plans because you were having a hissy fit and decided to make it snow. I have stayed in when I wanted to go out because you chose to be ten degrees. Oh, and I have done everything I could to put up with you. I wore four layers and a huge coat. I purchased extra hats, gloves, and scarves. When you said you were going to let up, you lied. And then when you said it would be different this year, you lied.

I know you have been through a lot. Yeah, the whole pollution thing destroying the Earth and global warming can put anyone in a bad place. I know it makes you feel unsure and now you have to act all macho because your Mother Earth abused you as a child. But it's not my fault.

We have broken up several times already this year, and you always worm your way back into my heart with your cute snow flakes, the ability to build snow men after snow storms, and not to mention skiiing, but I am over you. Hear me, I am over you. You aren't going to change. You are just going to be your Jack Frosty self.

Go away.

I left your shovels and salt on the sidewalk

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Come see me for my DVD taping
April 22nd at 7pm
Metropolitan Room
34 w. 22nd st

Blasting My Past

A few years back as my readers know I went through a breakup that was nothing short of a horror show. In addition to purely tormenting me himself as well as threatening not only to kidnap me but to take his own life, my ex had his former girlfriends torment me as well. At least once a week these women would write me vile hate mail and hi-jack my posts online in a rather vicious manner. It was to the point where I couldn’t open my computer or go online without getting sick to my stomach.

There were two in particular that I had issues with. One was a good looking girl. According to my ex, she had made up a story about being date raped in high school in order to get back at a guy who rejected her. She carried my ex’s torch until her husband put his foot down about being friends with an old boyfriend. She called her husband jealous, I call him too scared to be alone and therefore with crazy ass.

Maybe she gave a good BJ. That’s why my straight make friends claim to put up with crazy women but who knows.

The other bitch was fat, had a child out of wedlock, and was convinced my ex was the man who got away. This woman encouraged my ex to draw cartoons of me getting mangled and even publically stated once that she wished for my death no matter how it would come. She encouraged my ex to stalk me further and more aggressively. I remember once she wrote that I was crazy and that I needed help. She also assured my ex I would never have a career in comedy and I was no good.

As if her wishing my death was not enough she suggested to my ex via message board in an I Hate April Group he created to get some pictures of me and to write nasty things over them. On one I was posed in a bikini and he wrote slut over it. This psycho said I deserved it and encouraged him to edit the picture with me being mangled. Looking back this was a pathetic jealous woman’s attempt to exert the only power she had over me from the Loser Land called her life, the food stamps that fed her, and the hand she had in her bag of Cheetos and chocolate because WIC buys those things.

People encouraged me not to look at those sites and I didn’t. However the hate filled messages were coming into my inbox at top speed. At the end of my rope and scared for my safety because she was only an hour and a half away and expressed online that if she ever saw me she would kill me. I knew I could mop the floor with the Fat Club reject but the truth was she was so incredibly psychotic it was draining my energy. So I blocked her overaged, MTV watching, bullshit bulletin sending ass on myspace. (This was a number of years ago when everyone was on myspace).

I however went to the authorities on myspace because of my ex and forwarded all of his communication to the proper authorities. I cited that I was being cyberbullied and they were making physical threats. That I was scared for my health and safety. Tom or whoever was on myspace sanctioned my ex for his content. My ex immediately had his harem, this bitch heading it up, send me more nasty notes.

Around this time he told his friends he wanted me dead. There was also talk that someone who looked like him was in my neighborhood asking about me. Although it was never proven it was enough to make me act again. I wore running shoes in case he was to show up where I was wanting a reunion. In the meantime I invested in a separate mailing address because I was moving to a new hood, just didn’t know where. I also went to myspace again, reported him, and this time they deleted his profile. Say what you want about the now defunct Tom but when my ex was torturing me and these bitches were harassing me by-proxy he didn’t put up with their shit.

So my ex built a new profile under an assumed name. When he did my friends informed me that this woman wrote on his wall, “I think some ugly cunt was responsible and we know who now don’t we? The one who can’t get over you.” Meanwhile in addition to harassing me he also was harassing guys I date in addition but I was the one who couldn’t get over it apparently but whatever.

Over time, my ex burnt out and so did his out of shape harpie. My ex started dating some girl who was barely eighteen and thought he walked on rainbows the way I once did. The hate mail stopped and the feeling of utter animosity that I once felt towards this sick, evil, mentally unstable crew faded. Instead I began to feel indifferent really.

I went from hoping this girl got hit by a bus to really not giving a damn. I had other fish to fry. For years really this didn’t cross my mind. I joked about it but then there were other things to talk about.

But then one day I googled myself.

Sure enough she had gone into an online forum and dissed me only a month and a half ago. She said I was crazy and couldn’t get over my ex. Then she accused me of stalking him after the breakup and said she had gotten me kicked off of myspace after she blocked me. Oh and she even said that my ex kept feeding into the fact that I was starting stuff and I needed professional help. She also claimed I said I wanted my ex dead for dumping me and even threated to kill her.

At that moment something in me snapped, something that hadn’t snapped in a long time. All these years ago when they tormented me I had been a lady and never once responded back. I wanted to call bullshit. Even worse, I wanted to jump through the computer screen and just beat her head in. She called me every name under the sun and encouraged a man who was unbalanced to act even more irrationally and violently. The worst part was she was intent on tormenting me without even meeting me. While I can forgive my ex in a way because he had severe mental health issues that he is now getting counseling for, I also knew him enough that we could have legit beef. This woman never met me, never shook my hand, and was just going off of what an old flame told her.

The ironic thing was for as much as she called me slut, whore and perceived me to be promiscuous she had a child in high school to a teen father. I believe she was seventeen and he was fourteen which makes it a whole new level of white trash bingo.

All the old rage piled up in me. The feelings of being betrayed by a man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with came back. I didn’t know what was worse, the fact he had been terrible to me when we were together putting so much pressure on me to marry him that it made me sick or that he stalked me when it ended. Before him I had never had a boyfriend. He said he would be good to me and he turned out to be nothing but pure evil. When I talk about it I feel like I should have my own Lifetime Movie complete with drinking game.

I also felt the humiliation of having my pictures doctored up and nasty words written over them. The worst part was there were men encouraging my ex and calling me a bitch. It was a terrible reminder that in a man’s world I was not only outnumbered but there were men who would perceive me as bitter if I told the truth about this prick. The worst part was, I had stood up to him and now I was a psycho for doing so. In the eyes of a lot of guys it seemed I was the worst kind of woman, one who wouldn’t take shit from a lying bastard who cheated on her and got violent when he didn’t get his way.

Then I felt betrayed again. This time by another woman who never met me. Looking at the big picture her life had been hard. Her mother raised her alone and she never knew her father. She had a kid out of high school, and apparently my ex had made broken promises to her too. And now she was able to be manipulated by him again. I felt terrible for her for being so desperate to cling onto the past. At the same time, having been through hell, I would have understood her and showed her compassion. Instead it was easy for this damaged woman to throw the broken glass in my face.

The final kick in the pants came when I remembered that before Christmas my ex, who I believe is either working a twelve step program or seeking counseling tried to make an amends. It was the biggest insult because he thought I’m Sorry could cure all the damage he caused in my life. It could repair the fact I couldn’t trust men nor could I be loyal to a guy for fear he would torment me in a similar manner. While the world of Victimese is a wonderful resting place I never felt like I wanted to run until after that relationship ended and I have been running ever since.

I found myself sobbing uncontrollably and so upset I could have picked a street fight. I called a friend of mine who’s a writer for the Wall Street. Divorced, she had her husband leave her out of no where. She said to me, “April, I have people write rotten things about me constantly.”

When I explained worse things were written about me on Gawker but this bothered me she explained, “You know the truth and it upsets you that there is some other version out there that people might believe. And part of you is afraid there is some truth in there it seems. But again, you know the truth. From what you tell me this woman is so sick and deluded that no one with a third of a brain would believe her. So let her say whatever she wants. You know it’s not true. That’s all that matters. And if you let her get to you not only are you proving her right but she wins.”

I felt so much better after talking to my friend. Later that day I got a call from another friend who informed me that I was on the OWN network and her dad called me frantic because he had seen me. Oh and then two weeks ago I was informed I was on Layover and Chef Roble. Then there is the single I am dropping, the book I am publishing and the show I host on younow. My series King of the List just debuted on Koldcast. I get fan mail from all around the world. When I am not doing that I have a job that I love where I get to deliver to MTV in a pink gorilla suit, a channel she watches at the pathetic age of thirty three as she cites Justin Beiber as her favorite artist. Did I mention she says Snooki is her hero and Bring It On is the greatest movie of all time?

I told my mom about it later and the anger returned as I began to talk about it. My mom said, “April, don’t give her another thought. She is a high school educated loser who is not worth your breath. It seems God has already punished her.” I had to laugh. My mom was right. But my whole thing is, how did my ex who has nothing going for him get women to do his dirty work? What Svengali charm did he have?

With that I put that part of my life away. I didn’t let that bitch take up any more of my energy. Rather I became thankful for that drama. Not only did it get me to turn my life around but now I chase my dreams harder and faster because if it. I also speak out against dating violence and rights for those who are stalked as well as cyberbullied. I let people know not only is it wrong but also that it is dangerous and harmful. If anything they put me towards the path of light and I will forever be grateful for them.

I also remembered an axiom my friend Roger Ferrer used to say that popped into my mind at that moment. “People are in our past because we passed them over. When we look back they are right where we left them doing the same shit and wearing the same bad clothes.” It was almost as if my friend who God 

bless him couldnt pick his battles came back from beyond to give me a hug. If anyone would have identified with my rage level it would have been him. However he would have gotten even and gotten himself into trouble. Still he was the one who would have known what I felt. That's why I had to do the opposite of what he would have done, let it go. 

I could all this girl a bunch more names. But the truth of the matter is, she is a sick, lonely, sad young woman who is unhappy with the cards life dealt her that is carrying a torch to an old flame who abuses and degrades women and she blindly does his dirty work. In the dark world she calls her life she alienates advocates like myself and doesn’t realize she does the bidding of someone who does nothing but call her names when she is not around like Breeding Lump. (He referred to her this way when we were together).

I will be on TV more and she will choke on it. In a way it will feel good because she made my life a nightmare. But in a way it won’t because it’s like seeing a crippled puppy kicked. It’s a reminder that some people in this world are dealt a set of shit cards and unfortunately born to suffer, and in their sickness they never wake up.

Love April

PS. Watch Confessions this Sunday night from 8-10 pm est. Topic, Most Embarrassing Moments.