INDIEpendent Woman

For the past five years I have had no agent or manager. I had one several years ago. The thing is, he really wasnt doing anything for me.Yes, he got me the some commercial spot that was fun but regrettable. Yes, he got me a cute headshot. No, he really wasnt doing much else aside from trying to drug me and sleep with me.    So I let him go.

For about a few months I was unsure, drinking heavily and wandering around the comedy scene with my puppet hoping to find management. None came. However, what did come was another TV spot just because I showed up somewhere with May. I was standing in line like many unrepresented people and they pointed a camera my way. WE got on TV. Rest is history. There were people who had private auditions that didnt get nearly as much air time as I did. One lady, a fattie who won some old lady contest, bitched on a comedy blog that I got more air time than her friend with facial warts. Needless to say the bitch had management and I did not. She could be passive aggressive because she was ugly and misused big words, but I was on big TV and everyone and their mother saw me.

I was sticking it to the MANager.

The next year I stayed in touch with one guy who sort of jerked me around and then freelanced with another. One got me a cancelled gig and the other just sent me out for things I was wrong for. But through my own doing I got on Good Day NY. Say what you will about my Rachael Ray appearance but I procured that with no guidance whatsoever. The ugly hipsters at Best Week Ever felt the need to cyberbully me. Joel McHale was mean to me. But if those bitches had to do it on their own they couldnt. Today I am somewhat of a cult legend because of that. Not to mention the blogger at Best Week Ever got fired and got fat. I however went on to appear on Cinematherapy.

No bad for someone who is unMANageable in the eyes of the morons who claim to own reputable operations.

Of course the following year was a lil rough. Paid the price for being me. Doors slammed because lets face it,when a woman takes a risk she is either a darling or a deviant. I was more the ladder and it worked against me. However,through my own hard work I booked an appearance with Jeff Foxworthy. I was on Pix all the time. I had friends with big managers who bitched and moaned that they hadnt been on TV in years. Lil April Brucker went and did it on her own. One so called comedy manager booked me for some gig where the owner tried to get me to pose naked and cheaped out on a mic. Sigh, I did better on my own.

I was MANaging thank you very much.

The following year I began doing my own videos. I was slowly discovering standup was dead. Through fierce determination I got underground stars and dealt with their agents and managers. I was also on Shovio,with people who were well regarded in radio and film as a pro, and they all had big time management. Not to mention this was the year my babies and I were on TLC and a plethora of other outlets, all on our own. Hell I got more air time in one week than someone under the umbrella of the best and brightest gets ever. Fan mail trickled in. I thought at this point I would get quality NYC representation as well as better club spots. Neither happened.

No MANager no cry.

Of course the next year I did a lot. I was a talking head for an online network and began releasing music. My music got internet airplay. It was awesome. I also began steps to publish and release my book. I worked for a minute with a manager in Las Vegas but it didnt end up working out. While a nice guy, I wasnt getting the publishing contract I wanted and my lawyer wouldnt let me sign away my rights. I didn't know what was next.

Somehow I MANaged.

This year I had a song that was number one on the internet for five weeks. There are artists who have management that can't even get airplay. I also had a short in the Manhattan International Film Festival and got that through my own connections. My book has been sold out twice on Amazon and I have appeared on the website of Britney Spears and am being sold overseas. No literary agent or manager. No comedy agent or manager. No record label.

I don't need the MAN or woMAN. I am MANaging quite well.

The biggest misconception is that you need an agent or manager. I have many friends with so called top notch representation who flounder aimlessly in the pond. They collect dust on someone's shelf. They have never been on TV. I have been on TV God knows how many times and no one is helping me. Did I mention I pitched a show to ten networks? None of my signed friends have done that. Maybe sometimes it would be nice to have someone tie up the loose ends but that is not God's plan for me at the moment. Maybe I should chase them but they own a TV. Plus I have no trouble getting on TV thank you. And thank you to my puppet babies.

There are lots of folks who are indie that do well. Yannis Pappas is killing it in the clubs and on youtube with a fan base better than any of the washed up fools on a lot of rosters in the city.

Eddie Brill never had management and has been on Letterman more than any other comic in the show.

Bill Murray never had representation and he has had a career more incredible than anyone who has.

Ani DiFranco couldn't get repped and came to love being indie and eventually got her own record label.

These are just a few.

Maybe if the right agent or manager comes along I will give them a whirl. Plus I won't have to fight with people for money. It's harder being indie but hard work makes success and there is no rest for the weary.  I like it because I call the shots on my career and don't have to be steered in the wrong direction by some MANager who views me as a commission rather than an artist and will waste my time with his money grubbing stupidity.

I don't need a MANager to waste my time.

I am an INDIEpendant WOMAN.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang:Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
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Come to my book signing
December 27 @7
Bethel Park Library
5100 W. Library Ave
Bethel Park PA 15102

Not A Pretty Girl (Ani DiFranco)

Lately I have been steamed up about women's issues. When I was in college I wasn't apathetic per se, but rather I could have taken them or left them but still cared. There was a women's collective, where they seemed to want to eat brownies and whine which scared me. Conversely, there were the Women's Studies Classes that I enjoyed. My teachers were inspirational women who were proud of my courage not just to express my voice as an artist but also as a woman. On the flip side, I was awfully giggly about boys and all I wanted was a man and never could find one. Yet at the same time, my mom was a Title IX Crusader and did a sit in with her teammates in college so that she and the rest of the women swimmers could have letter jackets like the guys. But at the same time, I did and still do giggle about the guys I date with my mom.

However, a few years ago after the end to a disasterous and abusive engagement my opinion changed. I had been so eager to get a boyfriend that I snagged the first guy who would talk to me. My ex cheated on me, occasionally hit me, was verbally abusive and made me choose between him and the puppets. When we broke up, I put everything that had happened to me in the act. I talked about how he threatened to kidnap me, how he had justified his post-breakup whoring while I was not allowed to see other men, and not to mention how he had attempted suicide to get my attention. I got two reactions from male comedians:
1. Wow, that is funny shit Brucker! I had a chick that was just as crazy.
2. Why are you so bitter? Maybe if you weren't so bitter he wouldn't have treated you the way he did.

Needless to say, those bozos are the same ones who use domestic violence as a regular punchline, no pun intended. So I never took it too personally. I know it scared off a booker or two. But then again, it was worth it in some way. Anytime you have to censor who you are for anyone it not only takes the life out of you, but the life out of your art.

This past year, with the advent of my TLC appearance I have been talking more about everything that I have been through. I got letters from lots of young women telling me how the men they were with made them choose between them or a career or passion. It was as if it was 1950s to some of these guys and these women should have been chained at the stove making them vittles and popping out babies. Other women wrote to me telling me about how they escaped an abusive relationship with an utter whacko and how they were glad to see someone like myself visable. Around this time, I was thinking of disguarding the routine about the ex. Then I changed my mind. There are young people who need to hear me.

Then when I was a talking head on YouNow I spoke about it more, making dating violence one of my many platforms. I spoke about it not just as a women's issue but as an everyone issue. I said that when the relationship reached a boiling point it was everyone's responsibility to end it. The kids liked hearing me and talking to me. I encouraged young people, especially young women to respect themselves and their bodies. Not to treat themselves as sex objects trained to swing off a pole, but rather as people who were smart and informed. I know that sounds so bizarre and weird but so many young women are eager to shed the clothes, jump into bed, and please a boy throwing away everything for him. And by the way he's never worth it. I told them to have pride in themselves, their opinions, women's issues and politics.

On young Scotswoman even called me an ardent example of feminism.

A lot of the young girls liked having me around. I was sort of a watch dog when some young male trolls encouraged them to shed their clothing, or used sexist language. Many of these young women also wrote to me pouring their hearts about love problems, both men and women. I told these young people not to get too caught up and to focus on their futures and careers. These young people began to look up to me, and it became clear why I was being given the platforms I was.

When I left YouNow, I found myself doing less activism. Actually, I sort of took a rest. I got tired of yelling. However, I made a music video for my single "Stay." In the video, the way I portray myself is as a Calypso, the cave witch who seduced and kept Odysseus as her captive in the Odyssey. Yes, she kept him prisoner, using her sexuality and making him essentially her slave. If that is not a feminist icon in classic literature I do not know what is.

Recently though, I have found myself back in the saddle as far as the activism is concerned. A few weeks back there was a post online where a "comedian" said something terrible about women letting it be known he thought it was okay to wantonly abuse them. I spent almost four hours arguing why such language was okay. He told me Sinatra referred to women as broads. But we also referred to black people as the n word way back when on the regular. Needless to say, a very angry, undereducated woman jumped on to defend her master and dispensed the c word and the b word too easily. I told them language like this led to attitudes of indifference towards womens issues, prompting law changes detrimental to women's rights. Not to mention encouraging attitudes of domestic violence. I also said if women allow themselves to be treated as second class citizens casually, the law will see it that way too. I was so angry I even made a youtube video.

A few days later I was called back into action when a "producer" called me for a meeting, crossing understood business boundaries. When I raised by voice letting this nobody know he had no business in my life, there were people who treated me as if I was the bad guy. If this were years ago, I would have taken his crap and cried. But instead I used my voice. He didn't like it but then again, by the way he treats women and speaks about women who sleep with other women as if they were put on this Earth to please him, his only gal pal is his right hand.

Since the making of my youtube video called "There's Something Wrong-Reasons I Hate Men Who Objetify Women" I have gotten letters from young women telling me how much they like the video, how much they agree with me, and how it helps to know that there is someone like myself to back them up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fw8Wz5DUtTE&list=UU1XhN3fj2pUzvXj7UX-heng&index=2&feature=plcp. It helps to know that I am helping young women realize their full potential in this world riddled with men who see them as nothing more than a potential for a hot night. The tragic thing is, some young women only think that they are only good enough for that purpose and that purpose alone.

I guess me being independent is the reason I am alone but I don't mind it. I had a fling I wrote about and this past Saturday he called me giving me some excuse about where he was. It's not because he was anywhere. Probably his much sluttier Saturday option had fallen through. Rather it was because I wasn't by the phone waiting for his beckon call like a slave should be. Either way it's over. But the thing is, he was way too chauvanistic anyway. Our world's would have collided, and eventually I would have had no choice but to verbally castrate him.

In many ways I am an Amazon Feminist, someone who is forced to take on a male gender role because of a lack of men in my surroundings. I live alone therefore I do my own home repairs, kill my own mice, and even installed my own air conditioner. All and all, I am stronger for having done it.

A comedian friend of mine said a few weeks ago that there was no good feminist icon of this era. I want to be that feminist icon, filling that void and serving as a power of example to young women. When I think of other examples of powerful women I think of my mom of course, my sister and sister in law who are both a doc to be and a doctor, my aunts and cousins in pharmacy and denistry etc. So I am in good company.

What can I say, "I am not a pretty girl/I'm no damsel in distress/so put me down punk, I am not a maiden faire."

Love,
April

Running in Circles

I have been so tired lately. I feel like all I do is work. Climbing a mountain to the top, I feel like there is no top. Who knows? Maybe there is. I just feel like I am a guest in this man's world sometimes. And then I am an alien creature in the feminine realm.

When it comes to being a girl I am not a girly girl who always expected daddy to do everything and makes a man suffer when he doesn't live up to the standards. I have never looked perfect. On the other hand I deplore granola and baggy sweaters. While I love angry chick lit, when it gets bad it is absolutely rotten. On the other hand I have never missed an episode of Snapped.

I operate more like a guy on so many levels. On the other hand, the small part of me wants the castle. But I know Prince Charming comes with a nagging mother or a parole officer. That fantasy that Disney crafted to ruin women was corrupted long ago.

I feel like as a woman who speaks her mind, honest, I am an outsider. They say be yourself but I am. As a result I am punished either by doors closing or silent scorn. They say be sweet. I just can't. I am not a doormat. I snap back and fight back all the time. I just have myself in this world. Men come and they go. They say nice things but they always have another bitch waiting in the wings. They all lie, it's a fact. The sooner women get used to it the better. I have been told I should shave my head and move to Northampton. I don't like a winter with too much snow and I am worried I would run out of tossle caps.

Sometimes, I just want to take my puppets and move my the river. I would be like the Unabomber, living off the land. I would just have my puppets. No friends, no one to remind me that I lived in a tent and was therefore technically homeless. We would perform by the river for change. We would live off soft pretzels and hot dogs. Ooops I do that already, nevermind.

A few nights ago I told off a real prick. He lured me somewhere with promises of talking business but really wanted to get into my pants. The dialogue went like this.

Assfuck: Give me a kiss.
Me: No.
Assfuck: Just a kiss on the lips.
Me: No, I never mix business with pleasure.
Assfuck: Last time I checked this was my venue and you aren't getting paid.
Me: Invade my personal space again and I will throw this soda on your face.
Assfuck: Do you know what the definition of a professional is?
Me: Enlighten me
Assfuck: Someone who shakes hands no matter what.
Me: I am not shaking your hand. I do not know where it has been.

In between insert several homophobic comments about my friends and several slights to me for my knowlege of gay culture. He crashes a convo I am having with a girl who needs schooled on gay cuture for a show. This was another memorable exchange.
Assfuck: I feel useless here. I think I am going to leave.
Me: Please do Archie Bunker.
Assfuck returns a second later
Assfuck: If I knew you were this gay I wouldn't have asked you here.
Me: I get gayer by the minute sir.
Assfuck: If it's one thing I know it's lesbians. And what every butch girl wants is a good dick.
Me: No, no they don't. That's why they are dating women. Perceptions like yours contibute to homophobia and hate.
Assfuck: I am not homophobic.
Me:Yes you are.
Assfuck: Well every butch woman wants a big cock like mine.
Me: They probably had your cock and that's why they turned gay. You scarred them.

Then as the evening goes on he finds out I have been on TV several times and wants to suck up some. Oh, and he finds out I have some friends who are well connected. At this time we are discussing business. Therefore I am not just expressing my distain for this dickhead but am a complete and utter shark.
Me: If we are going to pack this venue I need the following things, facebook page and posters. Word of mouth will not cut it. We don't just need music but other ideas.
Assfuck: Could you not speak to me so disrespectfully?
Me: Youhave disrespectfully touched me all night. You have acted disrespectfully. I am talking business like an adult. If you don't like it we don't have to include you.
Assfuck: I sell real estate and sell spaces to people for $4000 that should be $2000
Me: You are a liar too. Sorry, but I believe in giving a customer a fair product. Your ethics are unnerving. And people respond in kind when they have been lied or cheated in any way.

Finally the evening ends. I am tired. Perhaps we can still do a show at this wonderful venue. However, Assfuck ruins it.
Assfuck: April is the kind of girl I could sit and talk to for hours.
Me: No I am not.
Assfuck gets up and throws a silent scornful tantrum.
Assfuck: Well thank you for coming.
Me: I can't work with you. You cannot seperate business and pleasure.
Assfuck: Yes I can.
Me: No you can't. You gave me proof all night.

I got to leave.
Assfuck: Thank you for coming.
Me: No problem.
Assfuck: Would Statue of David like to perform? They made your song sound fabulous!
Me: No. They have better things to do.
Assfuck: You need someone like me to guide you.
Me: And you need to grow up.

What I am trying to say fans is that my spring fling is over. While the man was good on my nerves and made me smile, a smiling woman is a soft woman. And I am hard as nails. Plus being angry and pissed off at men is how I create my best art. I am mad at the world. Watch my youtube channel. Plus Kindred Spirit has probably moved on to a new ho anyway. That was more his speed. I on the other hand, am top speed fast pitch.

Look out bitches here I come.
xo
Love,
April