Something I Can Never Have (Nine Inch Nails)

I recently had a friend of mine fall off track. Yes, as in no longer sober. As in abscond from his court appointed drug program. Actually abscond is a fancy word for took a detour on a twenty four hour pass and then go on the run missing court. Essentially fucking up. I don't know what hurts my heart worse. The fact he was doing so well for once and slipped and is now going to be a guest for Club Fed, or the fact I blew him off the last two times he wanted to hang out because I was busy with my life and my career.

This is a particular friend I love and care for. He was excited and proud of me when I published my book. I remember once we were chilling and I didnt know whether to mention my book to my other friends, cohorts from the wild phase of my life. My friend said to me, "You need to tell them about your book, April. These people know that if they get their shit together they can do cool things, too."

Things had been looking good for this friend too. He was talking about teaching dance again, because he had once toured with a national show. He was talking about going back to school. Then this all happened.

Some say jail might be a better place for him. The lack of freedom will make it hard for him to get in trouble. Maybe there will be twelve step or other drug rehabilitation resources. Maybe the time behind bars will help him.

But maybe not. Jails make people worse. And jails are terrible places for drug addicts. Not to mention my friend is gay and might be a target for other inmates.

I guess I miss my buddy and his texts. I also get sickened by what drugs do to people. I think of all the people I lost over the years as a result of their drug/alcohol abuse. I have known people who have overdosed, been murdered, or killed themselves because they couldnt take chasing the freaking dragon followed by the terrible lie. Drugs rip apart families and destroy lives.

The worst part is society just tells people to say no. Saying no is not enough because addiction is a disease. I don't think they should even send drug addicts to jail.

On the other hand, my buddy knew what he was doing when he absconded. It had nothing to do with me. It was his decision. He knew what was going to happen.

I want to visit him in jail before they move him to Club Fed, but I feel like a bitch cause I will get to go home and he won't. Either way, tonight I am putting together a package to get my book in another store. During that errand I will write a letter to my friend and let him know I still love him and care.

I will also keep him in my prayers and hope that God guides him the right way.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book, www.buybooksontheweb.com paperback
Ebook available on Kindle and Nook

Dry Humping in Public

I have been sick for the last few days and yuckolicious. Anyway, I was out getting my soup and there was this disgusting couple dry humping in public. I mean this guy and this girl were all over each other. The guy and girl were basically sucking each other's faces and then he lifts her up and just is dry humping her. I mean, they are going full at it and her back is against the wall. I was like, wow, holy inappropriate.

Well I looked over to get a closer look at the love birds and they were ugly. The guy was looking like a gerbil rat love child mix and then the girl had this wart on her face. I felt like I was going to vomit and I already had an upset stomach.

Then it gets worse. Another passerby felt my grief as he said, "GEt a room."

To which the love birds replied, "Welcome to New York."

No, more like welcome to hell. Seriously, this was disgusting. I should have thrown fruit at them or something.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book, www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as an ebook on Kindle and Nook

IndieWood

I have started my own production company and I am calling it IndieWood. We are indie all the way and we are taking over Hollywood. Yes, it is all my own. I have been filming videos long enough and it is finally time kiddies. I don't know what is next but I know that it is just time to do this. Anyway I decided to do this after a few things happened.

Let me start by saying I am currently unrepresented and unsigned. At one time the idea of no agent or manager would make me scream. What was I going to do? No one would want me and I would never become a star. Then what happened was I fired my agent and manager at the time because nothing was coming out of the business arrangement. I later learned having an agent and manager meant nothing actually. Most of the time they were burnt out actors or idiots who wanted to be close to show business who cared nothing about their clients. Or they blindly submitted based on a photo and wasted your time at auditions for things you would not be good for. Disconnected without knowing you or caring, they gave you bum career advice. Or they only saw a shallow version of what you could do and being narrow minded losers they didnt want to risk dreaming big. What happened was I stopped looking for an agent or manager and decided to be my own.

While it is more work, I decide the course of my future and the number of my stars. Plus the industry has changed so much. It used to be you went to drama school, trained, and that was respected. Reality TV has changed everything. The unions are a joke these days, and most networks are opting for reality shows because they are cheaper to produce and don't have to deal with the unions. Plus most reality folks are unrepresented for the most part. Bottom line, you don't need an agent or manager. These days you need yourself and your dreams.

After being without an agent or manager for some time, I ironically started to get on television quite a bit. While friends of mine who were represented by big names languished in obscurity or waited months between gigs, I found myself working on the regular. Not to mention was recognized on the street.

I have always been a soul and an artist who has done things her own way. I was kicked out of my first acting school, only to book an acting job a week later and to be perhaps the only person out of that cest pool who is managing to make a name for themselves. I was fired from a club I did a lot for, only to become a well loved talking head, write a book, and get my music on the radio. These things would kill most but only made me stronger. Not to mention I have always found a way to grab my star without anyone giving me any kind of ladder whatsoever. During this time my book has been featured on a promo for Nook and the official website for Britney Spears.

Indiewood is about being unrepresented and proud. It's about thinking outside of the box. It is about being your own person. It is about saying fuck you to the constraints the world places on thought.

Indiewood's next project is a musical. We will get on Broadway. We have gotten this far on our own.

You watch us.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Person
www.buybooksontheweb.com, 877-Buy-Books for paperback
ebook available on Nook and Kindle
Portion of the Proceeds go to RAINN

Adventures With A Nigerian Scammer

A few days ago, as I lie in bed sick, I was messaged by a man from Nigeria. He was one of the many randos I befriended on the good old facebook. Anyway the message exchange went like this.

Nigerian Scammer: Hey.

Me: Hey.

Nigerian Scammer: I am a holy man of God starting a mission and have a diamond mine. I think you should invest your money.

Me: Where are you from?

This is fishy, way fishy. 

Nigerian Scammer: Nigeria.

Me: You're a Nigerian Scammer!!!!

Nigerian: No, I am a minster and a holy man of God. I am a Christian and have a diamond mine.

Me: Well Christian and scammer are one in the same.

Nigerian: I am not a scammer. I have proof. I met your father a year ago when he came over here. Ask him, he knows I am not a scammer.

Wait a minute. My dad is the type who never travels out of the state of PA unless he is visiting NYC for the Heismans, visiting my bro and sis in Providence or going to South Carolina to vacation. My dad never went to Nigeria. SCAMMER!!!!

Me: My dad has never been to Nigeria and will never go. You are a scammer. Admit it right now.

Nigerian: I am a man of God with a diamond mine. Your father helped me establish a school for children.

Me: My dad does a lot of work for kids but he doesn't work with scammers. My dad puts people like you in jail. And you won't be able to message me again because I am blocking you.

BLOCK

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book, www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as an ebook on Kindle and Nook
Portion of the proceeds go to RAINN

Beating Yourself With a Feather

A lot of times I get letters from young people or people who have seen my work that want my esteemed advice. I don't know why on Earth they would want that garbage. My twenties have been spent in dingy basements, dating ex cons, and then there was that fugitive. I am hardly the wealth of good decisions. Okay, but at least my stories are colorful. But those are for a different day. That being said everyone wants advice on writing and how to do it if they can't focus, or how to make videos or how to pursue comedy or follow the dream and you name it.

Artists especially are easily frustrated. In an industry where one must get used to rejection and poverty, there are very few spots at the top starring in motion pictures and living in Posh Beverly Hills Pads. As a result everyone is just racing like a bunch of rats for the same cheese and is in a hurry to get it. But with every piece of cheese comes a glue trap. It's the pressure to succeed, to be at the top. It's the pressure to be recognized. It's the pressure to create worthwhile work. It's the pressure to be a good artist. It is the pressure to be happy.

I remember being a young comedian in the city and just felt overwhelmed. I was grabbing for my star and it looked like it was crashing down on my head. Being daring and unique I showed a lot of promise right away. I got on television without even trying it seemed. People paid me money. I was in a pilot. I was going to be a superstar. Putting my hands under my pits like Mary Katherine Gallagher I was ready to go.

But then it didnt happen. My TV appearance yielded nothing. As for the pilot, it didnt get picked up. I had a falling out with one booker, and then the market popped making people put on less live events. I had no money and felt extremely depressed. I had gone from the top of the world to rock bottom. I felt worthless and nothing in my life was sticking. When did I become a loser? And then someone gave me the best advice. They told me I was hard on myself and I wanted to rush things before I was ready. And then they told me the truth. I had a long way to go as a comedian and a person before I could be ready. Then they said something that stuck with me, "Be gentle with yourself. Beat yourself with a feather instead of a hammer."

I slowly began to change my whole outlook. Each set became a learning experience. With every tank there was not a pity party at the bar or bakery but rather an evaluation of why it didn't work and what I could do differently. And when I killed it, it was what worked and what could be improved upon, because the job was never done and one could never rest on their laurels. In addition, it was writing a book. Where instead of expecting the Great American Novel on the first draft I let the first draft be sloppy and then rewrite after rewrite I improved it, and at certain points even put it away. For my vidoes, I didnt expect to be a youtube sensation right away. Rather I saw what stuck and what didnt. As for criticism, I didnt take that so personally but rather took what I needed and left the rest.

Now I am at the same juncture I was when I was twenty four. I have been on TV several times. I have a project I am pitching. I have a book and projects based off of that. People tell me I am "taking off." While it scares me that it might evaporate again, I dont think it will this time. It is because this time I am ready for it. Success is one of those things you are ready for. It is like a ham in the oven, you don't want it before it's ready to eat.

In my travels I have seen people get success out of the gate. More often than not it is not long lasting. They don't know how to do the work to sustain it and they cannot handle it. The people who are successful for the longest are the people who have the foot work behind it and as a result can keep going. The crazy thing is, all the people I used to compare myself to back in the day and I used to envy because they seemingly took off with no work are no longer around. Bottom line, you are ready when you are ready.

The past two years I have been incredibly blessed to work with a lot of talented people. When I do I don't psych myself out by telling myself I will never be as good. Rather I see what I can learn from them. There are a great many things you can learn around people who are good. And if you beat yourself with a feather you can soak in that knowledge. Also, if you beat yourself with a feather, it is easier to accept when someone is extraordinary and not to get intimidated.

Chris Rock tells a story where he was fresh off of SNL and working in Chicago and was used to the openers sucking. Well a guy named Martin Lawrence got up and killed, and for once in Chris Rock's life he had to work to follow someone. Bottom line, a feather beating helps you with moments like that. Installing humility but being able to still do the job. Yes, while you can be good there is always someone beyond awesome. Translated, always work hard, keep your head down, and be on your game.

A feather beating can also help you deal with haters. Yes, haters come with this career. Beating yourself with a hammer is feeding into their nonsense trolling. A feather tells you to take them with a grain of salt and thank them for watching.

So what I tell everyone is in your process take your time. When you are meant to be ready you will be. Beat yourself with a feather, not with a hammer.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.buybooksontheweb.com-paperback
Available as a Kindle and Nook ebook
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

The Mr. Ripley Complex

For years I have lived in NYC. It is a fast paced, wonderful mecca where anything can happen. However, it is also a place where people can be who they want to me. I wanted to be a ventriloquist, comedian, actress, singer and writer. My quest has been somewhat successful. I perform in the clubs, I have been Off-Broadway, my music has been on the radio, and I published my own book. Some people are ordinary and want to be extraordinary. There are two ways to go about this. One, develop a skill or talent and become good at it. Two, make up an identity that is so fabulous and put in all your energy to being a brilliant bullshit artist. Some people go with the second option.

I remember my first exposure to a Mr. Ripley was one year at the Heisman's. It was the year Troy Smith won. A man showed up, nice looking young African American with diamond studs in his ears. He told everyone he was Reggie Bush. Reggie had won the year before and was playing pro. Maybe he was swooping in as a former winner to say hello. That did happen from time to time. Anyway, he looked like Reggie, just maybe a little taller and less stockier. Reggie is very sweet and quiet in person. This dude on the other hand was introducing himself as Reggie Bush and people were buying into it. He was taking photos etc. At the end of the night he disappeared and my mother and father concurred it was not Reggie but some poser. We never found out who the poser was. But I just remember thinking something wasnt right.

There are some who impersonate celebrities, and others who claim to be related. One wannabe I met on my journey claimed to be related to Angie Harmon from Law and Order. They looked nothing alike but people believed her. The young woman was a reasonably talented actress and a wonderful singer but had a lot of mental problems, a severe eating disorder being one. She eventually disappeared to LA where she was never heard from again. I met people who knew her later and said the young woman was prone to lying and this was yet another yarn she spun. Another young woman I went to a summer workshop with claimed she used to party with Spenser Pratt from the Hills and it was because she was related to Heidi Montag by marriage. This chick claimed to go to parties and know people and blah, blah, blah. Well one of her stories fell apart one evening when the actual cousin of Heidi Montag showed up. Interesting and shit show were the understatements of the year.

There are some who have a fabulous career, and others who just make it up. A few summers ago I was working on a project with the former dance captain of Cats on Broadway. This kid was trying to worm our way into our circle. He claimed to be a former child star appearing on such programs as Sesame Street and even going so far as to claim he was in Up With People and Chunk in Goonies. I was at a party where he told a room full of people they were gossiping about him on TMZ and he was afraid for his life. Well it turned out the dude was homeless and had issues with drugs and alcohol. He was quickly persona non grata in our circle. But there were some people that he really had going. They believed him hook, line and sinker.

Then there are some who lead a mundane life that want so badly to be exciting. I dated a lawyer briefly who was bright but wanted to shine like a star. So he would tell tall tales about how he knew celebrities, rubbed elbows with the rich and famous, and even went so far as to make up a boxing and music career. I remember once he met my mother and told her flat out about how he almost made the Olympics for boxing but got hurt at the last second. My jaw dropped open at this obvious lie. The relationship soured because I never knew what was true and what wasnt. As he rubbed elbows with these trust fund kids, he would try to keep up which was sad and pathetic and I got tired of seeing a liar in action. We broke up and he found himself on the rocks with debtors because he lied about not having money to pay his bills, and he had champagne taste on a beer budget. And also on the rocks at his job. Well suddenly he had "cancer," and everyone felt bad for him. I had my doubts about this story. Well the cancer was gone in three weeks as fake cancer typically is. About a year later, my story with my puppet children aired on TLC and I spoke about my former fiance. This dillweed told everyone in his circle he was the former fiance which made his current girlfriend, a drug addict who is sober for an hour a day max, go on the war path of sorts against me.  Needless to say I blocked them all online.

But the one who takes the cake is the kid who pretended to be the son of the North Korean diplomat. He showed up to swanky eateries with his posse and answered any and all questions about Kim Jong Ill. He had photos of himself with atomic weapons and he seemed legit. He spoke about his country proudly and even said he hoped to introduce the idea of democracy to his people. I was swayed by the man and found myself wishing he didnt have a gal pal. Well it turns out that he was LYING. He was really from the Midwest. His parents were immigrants, yes. But he was no diplomats kid. They came from modest means and stuff. He had everyone fooled. The ugly curtains came down after one evening, a former friend of mine called him who knew him better than I did. He was no where to be found, left town, and turns out had a record as a scam artist. This man had all of us bought and sold. It was beyond terrible. We had all liked the diplomats kid and I often wondered who offered to spot me dinner in that swanky place that night. Maybe I will never know.

I guess in my travels I have met and worked with a great many celebrities. Many want desperately to be seen as normal and down to Earth, and when speaking to them in conversation tend to drive the focus away from their stardom rather to. And those who talk about how famous they are, well they are not really all that famous at all but rather wannabes. Even children of celebrities dont want to focus on their famous parents. I went to school with the daughter of a famous director who was very sweet, very down to Earth, and never dropped her father's name once. While we all knew, she didnt want it to be the pinnacle of our friendship. Still, some people very much want to be a part of that world.

Why not just become good at something that gets you recognized? A therapist friend of mine called it negative attention seeking. Basically, it is when someone wants attention and adoration but childhood trauma and low self esteem leave them feeling they have no skills or talents. But their desire to be the center of attention either causes them to make excessive drama or to fabricate a life that is so unbelievable that people can't help but look. Or maybe it is that reality for them has been so torturous and unbearable that they must create a fantasy world where they can be who they want.  I know this was in fact the case with the woman who claimed relation to Angie Harmon, the druggie who claimed to be Chunk in Goonies, and my ex.

Or maybe it was a childhood where they had nothing and there was a lot of lying and they want to be extraordinary. Who knows? That is why we have Clarke Rockefellers. They lie and are just that good at it.

Liars make me giggle sometimes because they are so obvious. But they also make me sad. Not only because they hurt so many people in the aftermath, but they don't believe that their truth-which is themselves- are good enough to begin with.

They inspire me to be rigorously honest.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.buybooksontheweb.com
877-Buy-Book
Available on Kindle and Nook
Portion of Proceeds go to RAINN

Grave Cave Cold

It is deathly cold outside and I hate it. There is no way to walk three feet without risking frost bite even with gloves. This is Artic, so Artic that I see a penguin running around. Oops a Penguin would be happy. This cold is not happy. It is depressing and awful. I hate the month of January as a rule. Nothing goes on, there is nothing to do, and most of all, my industry comes to a slow. I am doing lots of other things but the cold just takes the energy out of my bones.

I am getting sick-ear ache-and getting depressed.

I always get depressed when I get sick. I have been delivering some telegrams and such. Book sales are okay. Still, I am ready for the next thing. Getting my book on tape done. But when I sit around and am all by myself sick I start to get this feeling of being nothing and going no where. I know rationally I am not true. But I am sick, tired, broke, and my ears hurt. Towards February things get better. I already have two radio appearances booked for February. I have two shows booked for March-both want me to push my book. A film I was in had  a successful screening. Not to mention we are screening another film I am in.

I have been eating a lot of chicken soup and drinking a lot of tea which means I always have to piss like a race horse. I have been spending a lot of time in my pajamas which means I feel less than sexy. Not to mention I have been watching lots of movies on youtube with steamy sex scenes. I look at all these beautiful people and say, “Why can’t my love life be like that?” They have sex and break dishes and stuff.

May Wilson’s love life is like that.

Shanniqua Parker killed her boyfriend who sexed her like that.

Sonny Jones pretends his love life is like that.

Officer E just arrests random men and takes them to the bath house.

I know it will get better, that this will pass. But today I have a Marilyn Monroe, then I have some chicken soup to have, and after that I have a phone date with my mommy for my latest project, and then bed time.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

877-Buy-Book for paperback

Available as an ebook on Amazon and Nook

Portion of proceeds go to RAINN