Dear World

Dear World,

April is such a whining loser. If she weren't my voice I would have dumped her a long time ago. All she does is blog about her friends and stuff and whines about no good men in NYC. She is such a chowder head. So self important. Not to mention she does not know how to dress and she is the worst wing woman ever when I want to get guys. April is seriously making me look like a hack prop act, worse than Carrot Top, when we go to the comedy clubs. People laugh at her not with her. I have been trying to tell her she is a reject but she never listens. I need some divine intervention-May Wilson

Which one of us looks hotter? Certainly not the one in the blue dress, I can tell you that.

 

RIP Greg Giraldo

Yesterday the comedy community lost a great star and a wonderful talent to perscription drug overdose. This man, who was the best thing on Last Comic Standing and the roast master is yet another casualty of addiction. RIP Dear Heart.

My Complaint With April This Week

Dear World,
April makes me sleep in a trunk. When she calls me her child I feel like she should go to jail because sometimes I cannot breathe. Ted Bundy's victim's also slept in trunks and look at them now. I am the star of the act. I demand better treatment. World help me, or whomever is reading. May Wilson

Crush of the Week

This week's crush of the week is Mike Posner. While I have been hooked on Cano, the risk of him being deported was too high and I didnt know whether or not he had a greencard. Sure, Tebow was cool and would try to get me into heaven, but I should be the center of my man's universe. All I would hear about was Jesus if Tebow were to be my husband, and we would be spending much too much time in church and he wouldnt spend any time tackling me instead :(

So I settled on Mike Posner. He graduated from Duke and comes from money in Southfield, Michigan. While Michigan is a turn off because I believe the state should succeed from the union and most everyone with the exception of my dear friend Nate Mitchell (whom I love dearly) is defective from that state of the union. Maybe Mike will be exception number two. In addition Mike's Dad is Jewish which makes him fiscally sound without having to have our children spin that little top they spin, wear the little Heb cap, and skip Christmas. While it doesn't matter to me it matters to my mother so I am telling her in advance so she doesn't do a Sylvia Plath in the oven. Anyway, he also has a hit single. Which means he is making plenty of money and therefore I can do a Courtney Love riding on his coattails as I chase my B plus career.

My first pretend boyfriend who has a job that pays, that's legal, and that he's really good at. I am stepping up in the world.

Things I Am Thankful For

A is for assholes. They make me feel better about being badly behaved.
B is for Blood Sport, one of the best karate movies of all time.
C is for cook outs. Its a great way to socialize while getting a free meal.
D is for deadbeats. Who else would I date?
E is for Evergreen. It is the Streisand song that cured my insomnia.
F is for free things. They are great when you are broke.
G is for glory holes. Okay, my gay friends sort of hi-jacked this list.
H is for Hell Boy, he rocks but I wouldnt want him to father my child.
I is for iced cream. What else gets me through a psychotic lonely night?
J is for jokes. What else do I attempt to crack behind the mic.
K is for Kim Cjisters. She is my new girl crush of the week. If I go gay she will be my girlfriend.
L is for love. While it makes me puke it's not half bad when practiced well.
M is for money. I like having it in my pocket.
N is for nuts. Okay, get your mind out of the gutter.
O is for opals. They have no significance whatsoever. I just needed something that was O.
P is for peace sign. It makes me look cool when I flash it.
Q is for quiet. Sometimes I need it to write my list of names.......just kidding.
R is for retarded people. They make it okay to ride a bus and wear a fanny pack.
S is for sleepovers with my gay boys. How else am I supposed to sleep in the same bed as a hottie?
T is for TV dinners. Microwaved cooked and ready to go.
U is for underwear. You never know when you will have an accident.
V is for vitamins. They protect me from germs.
W is for worms. They gross prissy girls out and are a source of protein.....okay, maybe not.
X is for X's. Okay, ex's, but I like to know I Xed them out of my life when I see that they look ugly
Y is for Yukon. Because supposedly that is where the Klondike is from.
Z is for zebras. They serve no purpose except the fun things to do at the zoo.

Dear World

Dear World,
April is afraid of relationships after her ex made her choose the ventriloquism or him. Granted, he was a cheating and lying fool who did nothing but abuse April verbally, physically, and mentally. Not to mention he was fat and totally sucked when it came to pleasing her. I know because I was on the shelf the entire time. What to do? Should I put her on match.com. Sincerely, May Wilson

Top 10 Questions of the Week

10. If OJ Simpson ever got the electric chair, would he be "juiced?"
9. Kei$ha is the Food Club version of Lady Gaga. If Gaga has the meat dress, why can't this annoying slut who can't carry a tune just go to the meat grinder?
8. Since 9/11 is a date that will live in infamy, out of respect should we stop calling 9-11 in case of emergency?
7. Tiger Woods is living in Manhattan and his divorce is final. Does that make him out of the cage and on the prowl?
6. Darius McCollum, a bus thief who drives buses and returns them, is facing jail time. To the money hungry MTA: Screw pressing charges. Not only does he love to drive the bus but he will work for free. Give that man a job.
5. Okay, cage match. Sarah Palin v. Hillary Clinton. One has the daughter who's a slut, the other has the daughter who is ugly. Who will emerge the victor?
4. To Sarah Palin, why are we questioning Obama's citizenship now? You should have done that back in 2008.
3. A Rod and Cameron Diaz are dating each other. Does this mean that two has-beens can still find love?
2. Why doesn't K Rod use his arm to help the Mets win instead of beating up his father in law?
1. Most of the homeless people in NYC are homeless not because they are down on their luck but because a drug habit put them there. Word to those who think the money they give them buys them a cup of coffee, you are a fool, they are buying booze and crack. So question is why shouldnt we have them pay rent? Not only will they stop being freaking vagrants, but it will magically make their drug problem disappear.