Monday, June 20, 2011

new N FIERCE PICS OF ME

May Wilson and I strike a pose

Enjoying coffee in my fabulousness


From L to R: Esmerelda Gnush, April Brucker, May Wilson, Sonny Jones, Ruby Chappeau, Officer E, and Jo Lance of Mexico's Top Model


Looks like junkie bitch to me. Or maybe just a glamorista on her day down.


By the power of Octavia St. Laurent


S-H-A-D-E


SUPERFOXXXXXXXXX

a LA La Beja

April's Weekly Countdown

WINNER OF THE WEEK
In honor of Father’s Day, the winner of the week title belongs to my Daddoo. Or my dad as I call him. Not only is he now sporting the Yankees hat I sent him, but he has some of the best quotes of all time. My all time favorite pertains to a guy I once dated, “April, when someone says that they are misunderstood, it means they are an asshole and everyone knows it.” William G. Brucker you rock! Happy Father’s Day after the day dad!
L to R: Me, Mrs. Janet Hill (Mama to Grant Hill), my sister Brenna and my Dad at the 2008 Heisman Trophy Awards


LOSER OF THE WEEK
The loser of the week goes to Anthony Weiner. He has a hot young wife who is expecting a baby, a position of power, and goes flashing his hot dog to porn stars. Dude, you are a dousche. So glad you stepped down. I hope your wife leaves you. That way you and Palmela will be making great friends. In the words of Pink it will be you and your hand tonite.
Hey Mr. Weiner, you made a real dick mess.

GUILTY PLEASURE OF THE WEEK
I have to say Teen Pregnancy is my guilty pleasure of the week. My new favorite Lifetime eat my iced cream film is Fifteen and Pregnant with Kirsten Dunst before she was what Perez Hilton terms the Drunkst. Basically it is about a girl who gets knocked up by a slick guy with a fast car and ruins her life and how the heartache draws her family together. Laced with the feminist agenda on how religion makes women stupid when it comes to birth control and how you should probably have the abortion because sometimes life is a pain in the ass choice, it makes me all the more grateful for this white trash inspired cinema. Hey, who else can start high school as a mommy.
Young girls, if you live in a trailor stay away from a guy with a fast car and lots of gel in his hair. It will not end well.


My other guilty pleasure is 16 and Pregnant on MTV. These girls are all na├»ve with their heads in the clouds and therefore it is no wonder they spread their legs. The teen fathers don’t want to get their shit together and instead would like to spend all the live long day playing video games. These children have no chance. If I were their mothers I would inject those girls with birth control. Or I would encourage them to raise the children alone and say that their father died in the war. Better yet, go to the clinic and get that shit scraped out. Or if it was too late to GIVE THE CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION. Yes adoption is an alternative. I have six cousins who are adopted and all well cared for. Possibly the product of situations like this. But wow, some of these girls are total trainwrecks. A boyfriend who races motor cross will not support you or an infant. However, as you go into labor on your quad Maci, it is entertaining as hell to see you wreck your life. I am keeping my eyes glued.
Oh yes, who needs a condom with you have MTV? I want to see some of these girls on Maury in a few years

STUD MUFFIN OF THE WEEK
Raheem Self Paid Lee or Mr. Good Bar. Yes, Mr. Good Bar made an appearance in my music video “Shuttlecock.” It is a dirty song that is about something else not so dirty. If you know sports with racquets use your brain. Nonetheless, I have to admit, Mr. Good Bar was nice to look at. And even nicer when he appeared in Playgirl. Made me wonder why I gave up candy cause my gosh I want to take a bite. Yum yum.

Take a bite of that yum yum chocolate!

SONG OF THE WEEK
FRIDAY BY KATY PERRY
Okay Katy, I no longer hate you. I love your new track. I think if we met we would be friends. You hate Jesus Freaks and so do I.
Get me one of those lollipops and Russel Brand while you are at it.


CRAZY BITCH OF THE WEEK
I stopped into Lush and one of the women working there told me she was still in love with her ex who was recently married. She named the date too and even told me that now that he was married and she truly loved him she had to accept that he was gone forever. Then she also told me she went through six months of grief counseling to deal with this as she was soaping up my hands. Wow, no wonder he left your ass. After telling me she was still stalking him she said, “Now lets talk about Lush.” OKAY!
You and your pet bunny will never be safe from the clutches of this mad woman again!

EVENT OF THE WEEK
Ghetto Chronicles with DWIT. Mark your calenders for this Saturday at the Joria Theatre. I will be opening two shows with them. One at 4, one at 8. The address is 260 West 36th st. It’s a great show and I am making my grand return with them. The bonus is, this time I wont be going to the show with a regrettable looking date. However, I do want a hottie on my arm. Perhaps one that I have been talking to. Hmmmm

You so ghetto. Damn straight I am!
HAIR STYLE OF THE WEEK
The hair style of the week goes to May Wilson who recently got a new do. Not only is she rocking and rolling with her new locks but she told me she no longer needs me. I put the bitch on TV, I get her street cred, and she tells me I would be nothing without her. What a diva! Nonetheless she is rocking it out with that new hair. Gotta love a girl who is stuffed and unstrung.
May Wilson, passed out after a long night of drinking and drugging. However, her hair still looks fierce

Despite all the sex her hair is not bed messed.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I am not a ho. I have only slept with men out of love and lust.” Nathaniel Mitchell

Love you much brown sugar xxoooxoxo

FRIEND OF THE WEEK
Marcus Yi for writing me funny songs and making me look beautiful and sexy on video. Love you my Asian boy toy. xoxoxo
Love me my Marcus xooxo

This is my weekly countdown. Enjoy! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

April's Weekly Countdown

Okay, time for April’s weekly Countdown

Loser of the Week
This title goes to Tracy Morgan. Mr. Morgan, black hack and star of the NBC sitcom Thirty Rock made some homophobic comments onstage. He claimed he would stab his son if he ever told him that he were gay. Some comedians defended this as hyperbole. What I saw was pure hate. He would not have offended people if the energy behind what he said was not so nasty and hateful. Also, this is not Tracy’s first homophobic comment. A number of years ago it was reported in the Advocate that he said homosexuality was a choice. I have a large number of gay friends and am very protective of them as they were protective of me during one of the roughest times in my life. I have but one question for Tracy, why the fuck would you insult the people who run Hollywood. Yes the gays run Hollywood. They produce, direct, and run the networks. Not to mention they do your hair and pick your clothes. Why would you insult a group of people who controls who gets hired and fired and could make you look like dog shit if they wanted to. Now thanks to your big mouth Mr. Morgan, you will forever look like shit when you are on camera. Mr. Morgan, you have also had your issues with chemical dependency. What I am trying to say is ASSHOLE LAY THE OFF THE CRACK PIPE BEFORE YOU GO ONSTAGE. JUST A FUCKING THOUGHT!

A hateful moron in his natural state. Smile for the cameras your untalented crackhead.
Winner of the Week
Leonard Pope of the Kansas City Chiefs takes the winner of the week title by far. This NFL player was at a house party when a child was swimming in a pool. Suddenly, he heard the child’s mother screaming because the child was in distress and she could not swim. So Lenny was in the house chowing on some BBQ when he heard the screaming and sprung into action. Without hesitation, he scooped the drowning child out of the pool and made it possible not only to avoid disaster, but for a mother to continue to tuck her child into bed until he reached the ripe old age of eighteen and no longer wanted to sleep with his teddy bear. We love you Leonard Pope xo
Awesome work saving the drowning child. You may never get a superbowl ring but I will always be rooting for you.

Comedian of the Week
This award goes to Whitney Cummings. She is a former model and she is hot as hell. And not to mention funny. Whitney, I have a confession to make. I would want to beat your ass and rearrange your face except I love you and respect your work too much to do so. Therefore you are the comedian of the week.
Hot as hell and funny in the fuck me shoes. Love you much on this blog Miss Whitney

Song of the Week
Racks by Young Chris. I love that song and could hear it all freaking day. Not to mention it is catchy in a good way. Not like Katy Perry who makes me want to kill myself everytime I hear her on the radio. Russell Brand, you deserve better. But back to Young Chris, I love him and want to adopt him as my baby brother. May mentioned wanting to sleep with him. I think there is something we could work out.
MWAH! May wants to sleep with you but who would you choose Young Chris? She comes with handcuffs. I dont.

Guilty Pleasure of the Week
Okay, the title goes to Ke$ha. She is the poor man's Lady Gaga. In  a universe where McGaga would be coke, this bitch is cheap assed freebase crack cocaine. But who doesnt like a good crackhead missing a few teeth straight out the ghetto. I know I do. Gosh I love me some McKe$h Ke$h
It is appropriate your song is called Blow because I can't stop fucking listening. You are like a drug darling. Wrecking my hearing but I love every second

 Positive Step of the Week
This goes to comedian Andy Julia, my buddy and compatriot who recently signed to 222 Talent Agency proving perseverence and hard work as well as talent do pay off. Remember us when you are a big star Andy!
Go Andy, we love you!

Crazy Bitch of the Week
This weeks is a two way tie
I recorded a rap song not so long ago. It is about an ex of mine that has a new girl who tries to look like me, act like me, yet the bitch throws shade everytime she can. I saw the cunt rag the other day, yes the one who ripped my posters down, and she looks more like me than ever. Oh and she continues to say McNasty things about me. She claimed I was trying to break her and her boyfriend up when I don’t talk to her or that reject she shares a bed with! Oh and word on the street was the song made her cry. I hope she goes to the nearest bridge and jumps. I really don’t like her. She makes me ill. But the good news is the Ms. Wannabe video now has close to 700 hits and it keeps climbing. And I saw her too and she gained weight! I mean she was hanging over those pants. Maybe she will record another youtube video of her covering someone else’s song over the vocals because she can’t fucking sing. Or maybe she will have another brownie. Either way, here is the link to my diss song. Hey, it’s not easy being me. That’s why psycho bitch wants to do it.
Link to the Miss Wannabe video. Lets keep those views going up and the confidence of that dumb bitch going down shall we? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VVnNNUvXSQ

Oh and the tie is another woman I know and dislike. She thinks she is hot shit because her man is big in the theatre. She goes to all these functions with him and talks about herself in third person. That wouldn’t be so bad except she acts like she is hot shit all the time and throws shade my way whenever she sees me. I have done nothing to this woman. Oh and did I mention she pulls out her titties and breast feeds her damn children in plain site? I have nothing against children needing to eat, and I have nothing against a woman’s choice to breast feed, but do it tastefully. Don’t whip your titty out, show us your aerola, and then let us see your little bastard guzzing titty juice. I do not want to go to second base with you and neither does the rest of the world you stupid, dumb bitch. Then she puts this video on the internet of her child swearing because she thinks it is cute. I would call child services but I think it would be fun to see how her kid grows up to be a hooker.

Hey bitch, this is what we all see when you whip your titty out. Did I mention this woman is hotter than your skank ass?
Loser Man of the Week
Okay this dude that I messed around with a few years ago is now kissing my ass because I have some TV time. Meanwhile this moron didnt treat me well when he had me and told me that my children and I would never have a chance at becoming famous with the art of ventriloquism let alone successful. Well now he is eating his words and kissing my ass. Sorry pal, I dont care if you have all the money in the world. When you dont tip a waitress I write you off FOREVER!

Of course it is. Why did you crawl back the second I got on the Today Show?
Favorite Comedy Bookers of the Week
Keith Godwin and Mike Parenti of ComedyToGo. They are not only good guys, but they give great oppertunities to new comedians in order to get stage time. Also, they have respected and funny headliners with plenty of TV creds on their shows. In addition Keith, who is in recovery, brings comedy shows to rehabs and Therapuetic Communities, the people who need to laugh the most. Not only are these shows fun, but they show that these two books don't just want to profit from comedy but truly love and respect the art form that they dedicate their time to.

Doing comedy for all the right reasons and being the best comedians to your event. Watch these guys rise and get in with the winners now!

New Friend of the Week
Nicho Mendez
Baby, I loved our jog in the park. Lets have some more. You are an inspiration and a positive force of life. Love you much xoxoxo

xoxoxoxo
Quote of the week
“I have so many girlfriends I am starting to wonder about my sexuality. Maybe I am a straight man in the closet.” Max Yochum.
You da man, quote of the week!
Fave new pic of myself of the week
Oh Octavia St. Laurent, if only you could see me now!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

As If We Never Said Goodbye (Sunset Boulevard)

I have written a few blogs about how I was angry at the NYC standup scene. I had a falling out after leaving an open mic aka unpaid galley slave bitch position at a club after I busted my ass for them. I also wrote about the pain of busting my ass and being passed over time and time again for lesser comedians because they fit neatly into the man made box but I didn’t. Not to mention living on the road, sleeping in the same clothes because I traveled the tri-state, and all the perils that come with pursuing a life of passion. However, the truth is, I hate to admit it, standup is my home.
Around the summer of last year I was starting to feel the burn out. I was taking less dates because I was writing a book, producing a webseries and then not to mention shooting another pilot and pitching another. I was busy, just not in the clubs. I was tired of the late nights, the politics, the weight gain from eating fried chicken when the industry got me down. I started to ask myself if the standup dream was even worth it. Here I was with a good education. Here I was with a great mind. Here I was telling dick jokes and thankful if I got a few bucks from generous drunks out of the bucket.
The problem was unfortunately was that standup was the only destination for me. Like so many mice, I was looking for the cheese in the same place when the cheese had been moved long ago. My friend Nicho Mendez who works as a life coach gave me this analogy not so long ago. Being the best and the funniest was not going to get me where I needed to go. I had also started to settle. The dream became less to be great and more of being a working comic. I didn’t mind being poor for as much as my mother said I couldn’t be poor and uninsured forever. I saw all the people making it and steadily I became allergic to success. I told myself that the odds of me becoming a superstar were slim and none and became more and more bitter.
Around October of last year something happened that changed me forever. My buddy Roger died. While technically a heart attack took him, Roger had battled for a long time with addiction. Sure, part of being Roger’s friend was not killing him most of the time. But after he died I realized the boy was smarter than I thought he was. He lived his life fearlessly, and perhaps that is the reason he is no longer with us. He lived his life fully, even until the end calling me at two o’clock in the morning with his misadventures. At the same time he never felt he deserved better than the back hand life gave him. When Roger died something in me snapped.
I don’t know if it was for better or for worse but I started to chase opportunities with a ruthlessness and fullness that I never had. I suddenly wasn’t afraid to talk to casting agents and producers. I wasn’t afraid to be laughed at. I also wasn’t afraid to tell people to fuck off and to walk away. I also knew it was time to say I deserved better. I also knew it was time to move up, up and away into more opportunities. I remember Roger once telling me, “People are in our past because we passed them over. When we look back at they are right where we left them doing the same things and even wearing the same bad clothes.”
He also said once when I got some air space, because Roger’s favorite subject was himself, and I was bitching about my life, “Either be Queen Bee or get the fuck out of the ball.”
Something about those words clicked and I found myself definitely moving in a good direction. I left a bitch position I had at a club where I was much underappreciated because I didn’t feel like settling. I also found myself using my talents in other ways and had a very busy calendar whether I was filming a movie, writing a script, looking for a literary agent, being submitted and interviewed for other TV specials, doing man on the streets or whatever else. I began doing less and less standup. While the sets I put away for the most part were good, I wasn’t chasing bookers like I used to.
As for my relationship with the standup community it became a strained one. For starters, I felt alienated because there were people talking trash about me for doing a reality show, for doing a press tour, for doing all these things. Then of course there were others angry at me for leaving my open mic even though the club in question was shady about letting me go. Plus I got tired of the gossip and removed myself. I would see my fellows at shows here and there but didn’t really care to see who was doing what and which club owner was on the shit list that week. When I did that I actually enjoyed the standup more and the bullshit less.
I remember one night I bedazzled myself and performed at the Stonewall Inn hosted by my friend Steve Ryan. Not only did I have a fun night, but I did well. Afterwards there was a dance party and I ended up dancing with a little gay boy who fixed my strap, a lesbian in a lumberjack flannel, and an older gay blonde dude who was so drunk he kept calling me Britney. It had been a long time since I had a dance party after a show. Hell, it had been a long time since I had that much fun at a show.
A week later I did my friend Nate Mitchell’s show for the first time. It was a good night in that I did a good set. I also got to see a lot of good comedians work. While we were all good, it seemed I wasn’t as sharp as I once was because I wasn’t getting the stage time I once did. I told myself in my heart it didn’t matter. I had been getting more TV time than anyone. But still, after that night there was something in me that missed being part of the community.
A week and a half after Nate’s show, I ended up going to South Jersey to perform with Andy Julia and the Mixed Nuts Comedy People. I almost bowed out because it was in South Jersey, I would have to go through Philly and there was no fucking way I was going there at 1 am after the show ended. Andy told me he would get me there hell or high water, and I could sleep on his couch because he lived with his wife and five daughters and nothing was going to happen to me. I ended up getting a ride from Craig Loydren, who lives on Staten Island though, and the car ride with him was a blast! Of course it was the night the world was set to end and we pranked our friend Rich Carucci and said, “What do you mean Rich, you weren’t chosen?”
To which Rich responded, “Hell no, I am telling dick jokes tonight.” When that happened I just felt this surge of laughter coming through me. For as much as the comedy elistists pissed me off, I did have friends in the community and missed them. I also missed the car trips, the stories, and the general bonding the road gives a comic.
When I arrived at the show I met Andy and his wife Stacy. And I also had an amazing set! Actually, it was more of a high than the best prescription diet pills with the most speed one could have and trust me I have been on all manners of diet drug. It was a fun night but I had to cut out early because Craig had another spot down the road and it made more sense for me to go with him than for him to do his gig, get me, and then go back. You get the picture. But while I was there I took a fan photo or two but I was also approached by a young comedian who told me that not only had he seen some of my clips but he looked up to me. At that moment it clicked. It didn’t matter what I thought of the industry. There were young comedians looking up to me and some possibly emulating me somewhere. That was a cool feeling.
A week and a half later my spread with my puppet children appeared in Chat Magazine. I got fan mail from the UK but also received an online message from a young ventriloquist who wanted to Chat with me. That was the coolest thing in the world. This kid was fifteen, did his ventriloquism at school, was a little bit of a misfit but then again I was at his age too. All and all adorable. We chatted about ventriloquism and stuff and he gave me the name of his figure. Then it clicked again. Young people are looking up to me and following me. Therefore I owe it to them to get visible in the clubs again because if I built it they will come.
However I was still reticent. While I would take bookings if they came my way I wasn’t chasing the standup dream the way I used to. I told myself the art form was dead. There was no way I was doing xyz. I had paid certain dues. On my way to meet a friend last night I ran into Jamie Rosen who was on her way to host a mic for a friend of ours. She asked if I was coming. I told her I was meeting my friend to jog. I was in a foul mood and was in no mood to be around groups of people. However she told me about an open mic she has every Thursday. At that moment it occurred to me, whether or not I liked it I was being beckoned back into the standup world.
Last night I found myself jogging with my favorite new friend Nicho Mendez. Actually Nicho jogged and I jogged/walked. Never call a gay man a sissy. Odds are they can kick your ass. Nicho proved to be just what I needed that night. He told me this wonderful story about two mice and the cheese. One day the cheese was moved and the two mice went back to the same place to find the cheese. They went back day after day after day. One day one mouse changed the routine and went to a few different places and found the cheese while the other mouse waited for the cheese to return but never did. The mouse who changed his route was happy whereas the mouse who kept waiting for the cheese went hungry and was pissed.
The point of Nicho’s story is that change is the only constant we have in life. Sure, the standup was the only way for me but then the cheese was moved. I found the cheese. Well the cheese has been moved again. And this time it is time for me to get back into the clubs and slug it out again. Not to mention the cheese has been moved again in the sense that my attitude is different. The people who dissed me a while ago aren’t my friends and they never were. Instead of being bitter I tell myself it was a relief to find out before they fucked me over when it came to money. And their anonymous dissing got me on Gawker, a website their names will never be mentioned on let alone be a main page entry. So I win, hah!
The jog with Nicho also put things into a good perspective too. When Nicho jogs he tells me when he puts the right foot down he says thank and then when he puts the left foot down he says you. That’s thank you. And during that ass beating it occurred to me that I should be saying thank you more. I have problems that many performers would die for. I have a life many would kill for. I have the privilege of living my dream in the greatest city in the world.
It also occurred to me that I had not chosen standup. It had chosen me. A comedy show at Boston one rainy night that I entered just to escape being drenched during a period when I was going to leave NYC and abandon my dreams changed everything. The standup world was beckoning me and I had no choice but to come.
Ventriloquism had chosen me as well. I had been thirteen, shy, and discovered one night by accident while watching TV that I could talk without moving my lips. Eight puppets later I am still at it. Not to mention one of the few like me running around.
After I got home that night I got several emails about shows people wanted me to perform in or shows people wanted me to host because they had heard good things about me. And I also realized there was no law in the land saying I couldn’t do my standup, produce my webseries, be a reality TV star, pitch my book, and pursue an acting and TV career. In my quest for my own manifest destiny and not settling after my friend Roger’s departure I realized in almost leaving standup completely I was punking out. While the might brag about knowing me in the after life, because he saw me on TV once and bragged about knowing me when he was alive, I know he would be disappointed to see me selling myself short.
So I am not settling. I am reaching for the stars. I owe it to all my friends and fans, alive or dead, to do so. I owe it to my mother in Pittsburgh to do so as well. Sure, I may have wanted to give up the standup completely by doing less stage time and cutting corners. But life is not about what you want sometimes. I am being beckoned back to the Mother Ship. I don’t know where my spots will come but they will come. Why? Because they are coming already. My fans already are inquiring about where I am next. Oh the problems I have.
As I get ready to host an event tonight for an organization that raises money for third world economies, A Global Friendship, I think of how standup got me this job. I think of all the wonderful things it got me. I also tell myself I am not settling. I will ruthlessly bust my ass whether it is onstage or anywhere else. This time I wont let the standup politics get me down. Oh no. Instead I will remember those fellow comedians of mine sometimes are just jealous nobodies who will always be jealous nobodies. They don’t pay my bills and they don’t do the hiring. They don’t count as far as opinions go, and like assholes everyone has one. I stick with the ones I like and trust and leave the rest. If people have an issue with my ambition and the way I chase my star fuck em. I guess I wont be seeing them on the way up.
Out of the corner of my eye I see my faithfully departed friend Roger, fresh from his botox with his Gucci bag saying, “Either be Queen Bee or get the fuck out of the ball.”
With each step out my door to my event tonight I will hear my friend Nicho telling me, “The left foot is thank and the right foot is you.”
With each step I say thank you.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

April's Weekly Countdown

Loser of the Week: Rep. Anthony Weiner not only for lying about his dick pics but sending them in general. Okay, you like the ladies Anthony. You were the nerdy kid with the Jewfro who got his ass beat in high school. Girls turned you down. You met Jill, the lady of your right hand and got to know her well until you were about twenty. Now to make up for it you are showing the whole world your dick and because the whole world has seen your dick you are now crying alone because your wife is leaving your ass. (Huma has been absent for all press conferences). The only way to redeem yourself. Make a gay porn. Seriously, I have several friends in the industry who would love to work with you. Actually should this be weiner of the week? Ha ha ha.
Weiner, a dick by any other name

Winner of the Week:  There is a tie. Angelina LeVasseur from Ann Arbor, Michigan is our winner of the week. Born with spinal bifida, she has lived her entire life in a wheel chair and this week for the first time, with the help of a physical therapist, she left her wheels behind the stage and WALKED! Yes it was a big deal and made national news. Not only did it put a smile on my face, but on my worst days it made me thankful for all the things I have.

You go girl. Work it girl, work it.

The other winner of the week is Timothy Ray Brown for not only being diagnosed with HIV and leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant. As a result this bone marrow and stem cell transplant not only is Mr. Brown cured but he is permanently immune. This is a victory for anyone with HIV and one more strike in whipping this terrible disease that has isolated and killed so many. Someone asked me if they think Timothy Ray Brown will go out and party it up. Probably not. I think he’s been through a lot. He lives in San Fran with his pup and I just think the two will stick with hanging out and watching TV.
He beat AIDS. I think he deserves his own Wheaties Box.

Whacko of the Week: I was getting my hair done at Blondie’s this past week when this girl comes in. She started out being nice enough and of course my boys being the homos they are put on Lady Gaga. That’s when this woman starts talking about how she hates Lady Gaga because she is a member of the Illuminati and sold her soul to the devil. Then she says it was a video she saw on youtube and then goes to list a slew of other celebrities. Continuing in a rant like state, she says Kanye sold his soul and that’s why his mother was taken from him. Wow. Anyway, I kept trying to get her to change the subject but she wouldn’t budge. When she left we all agreed she was a little whacky. I saw her the next day and she grabbed me, asked if I wanted to hang out, and then asked me if I wanted the videos. Dear Crazy, fuck no.

Satan helps me sell my records. My fans don't know it but the ranting crazy lady does. I better keep my devil worship and blood drinking on the down low.

Favorite Artist of the Week: Adele. I am stuck on her sound and think she is going to be something special. She is more than just a one hit wonder. Unfortunately she is sick right now. Get well sweetie. We want to see you tour again.
Honey you got a rockin voice. We love you in NYC. *MWAH*

Least favorite artist of the week: Katy Perry. She is too poppy and way too overplayed. I like her song the first time I hear it and everytime thereafter I want to slit my wrists. Then to top it off when she hits the high notes she can barely hit them. Who’s dick did she suck to get a record contract? Oops, she is a preachers kid. We have Jesus to thank for this mistake.
Everytime I hear you sing it is like hearing Jesus scream as he is being nailed to the cross.

Favorite Comedian of the Week: Wendy Liebman. I saw her stuff a few years ago and watched it again recently. I think she is creative, smart and funny.
Miss seeing you on late night TV. Come back soon!

Least Favorite Comedian of the Week: Daniel Tosh. I don’t think he is funny, I think he is overplayed and I don’t know who he blew to get on comedy central. I also think the boy is a little closeted. Where is Perez Hilton to out him? Seriously…I don’t know. Maybe it’s also because I asked him to be on my webseries and his people were dicks. Either way I have no use for him. I hope he just fades into obscurity. I would say die in the middle of one of his shows but his albums would sell.
Please go away. We hate you and you arent even cute.

Quote of the Week: “Be the Queen Bee or get the fuck out of the ball.” Roger Ferrer

Roger had a way with words and was always throwing shade. RIP dear heart.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Next Move on the Board

My Next Move on the Board
I have had an eventful two years. I helped pitch one TV show to networks which was basically my big activity last summer. I also appeared on one reality show and did a press tour that spanned on The Today Show, Entertainment Tonight, Inside Edition, ABC News, PAX NY, TMZ and Joy Behar. Before that I appeared on TV with Jeff Foxworthy. That was sort of a stealth deal. I just thought it was going to be a quick promo. Didn’t know he was going to be there and perhaps he is one of the coolest people I have ever met. Say whatever you will about his comedy but it is wonderful to see someone at that level as humble, down to Earth and able to laugh at himself as he is. Oh and then there was the whole Rachael Ray thing and I appeared on E. Yeah I also toured a tad and wrote a book. Did I mention I recorded a song and made a video for it? Oh and there is the webseries where I have had a slew of impressive guests as well as performing with the Gong Show and being on Shovio for five minutes. I am a busy woman!
Now that being said I am currently at a precarious position. I have had people recognize me from my TV appearances and they asked for photos on the street. I always take fan photos. I love them. Of course the fan mail and fan support has been amazing. One fan wrote a song about how he wanted to be my boyfriend. While it was flattering I hope he never obtains my home address. Other fans have flown up to the city in order to meet me. Not to mention I have gotten some paid appearance opportunities because of this and made a movie.
However, I have also received some retaliation because I am visible. I was doing a kids party a few weeks ago and this bitch recognized me as a result of my TV appearance. Instead of asking if it was me she proceeded to gossip about me like the low class, low rent piece of shit she was despite the fact she lived in Monclaire. Needless to say she wrote the booker and told her that the fact I was on a reality show meant I was a bad example to her children and therefore she needed to stop booking me! Meanwhile this bitch was wearing low cut shit, had makeup melting off her face, looked like she turned tricks in a bathroom stall, and her kids were probably conceived via anal sex. However I was a “bad example”. Wow! Then I did a job for someone else and it went well. However, this woman went on line and wrote my company a scathing review basically slandering me almost costing me my job. None of it was true. However, I believe it was in retaliation again to this TV appearance. Why? Because on the way out I heard someone say, “Is that the puppet girl?” There are people fucked up enough to go, “Guess what I did to her.” Meanwhile I did nothing to them. Must mean I am making it.
The doors that are opening and closing for me are amazing. I am doing lots of paid photo shoots, paid webcasts, video/TV work, and emceeing private events. However, it is like I am a pariah in the NYC Clubs. In Jersey I seem to be welcome everywhere I go. Same with Long Island. And people are happy when they see me and want to know all about the show. In NYC, it’s like I am this pariah who killed ten people and then drank their blood. I remember right after I did the show I was at my former home club and people who I had known for years were there. We had been friends for what seemed forever. Then they saw me and it was barely a hello. At first I thought it was me but it wasn’t. My suspicions were confirmed a few weeks ago when someone wrote something snarky under one of my pictures relating to the TV appearance.
I guess I still feel most betrayed by what was once my home club. In my last blog I forgot to mention I included them on the TV show and they got a generous monetary donation from the producers. Instead of attempting to give me better spots because not only was I talented, it was nada. I didn’t even ask for headliner spots. I just wanted to be treated well. But once an open mic host always an open mic host in that club system of bringing, barking and indentured servitude. I remember they even fired me from my own mic without telling me. So much for a thank you. Then again these people were low class, low rent and in the words of my dearly departed friend Roger Ferrer, “A bunch of nobodies trying to be somebody and that is the worst kind of nobody there is.”
The feelings from that split were so bitter that I will never go back there for anything. When I left there were rumors about me fighting with two other hosts that weren’t true. Then there was the rumor that I was sleeping with someone else involved with the club who was married. I have made many mistakes in my time but that is not one. The only thing I miss is having a home. However, they showed me who they were so maybe it is better to be homeless in this case.
So I guess I am wondering what my next move is. I thought about going more the acting route which would mean getting an agent, getting headshots, and then hanging out with actors. Although I majored in theatre, I don’t like actors. They make everything about acting and will corner you and tell you about their career or lack thereof. People keep telling me I would do well in commercials. But I am at a weird spot with that. I could be the quirky friend but always lose out to a fat ugly girl. Then I could wait in line with the rest of the blondes but some of these bitches are glamazons. Then of course they want someone who can just run and chew gum sometimes that looks nice on camera. The ventriloquism opens doors and gets me work but they aren’t always calling for a vent.
Then there is the music route. I have started recording songs and musicians are much nicer and less competitive than comedians could ever be. Comedians never support each other. It is fun to make music but there are so many people more talented than me. While technically I sing for a living, some of the people I work with could kick my ass out of the park vocally. Leslie, one of my bosses assistants, does a mad assed Liza and she can also pull off Tina Turner. Not only does this involve shifting races in a sense, but if someone can do that their vocal range is out of this world. Then there is Lynn, my bosses other assistant, who sings Big Band but also sings Cher. She has an amazing voice on her as well. As does Gayle, another girl I work with who does a dead on Barba Streisand. Point is, while I can sing and make music there are some who are very gifted in ways I could never be. Still, that has not stopped Paris Hilton.
I could go back to the standup full time like I have for the past several years. I could pursue bookings like crack cocaine again. The problem is, I am tired of chasing after shit spots for shit money in order to be sometimes turned down. Not to mention I am tired of the snottiness of the NYC comedy scene where the art snobbery makes some the favorite sons and daughters who can do nothing wrong, are funny no matter how badly they tank, and somehow get massive peer respect even though they have nothing going on. I thought about trying to get into a headliner club in the city. Unfortunately, it might mean doing bitch work like bringing and while my fans would gladly come I am past the point of doing bitch work. I have paid enough dues. It seems like the only way to break into the club system is either to be undeniably funny or undeniably famous. Funny only works if you are a male or a member of a sought after ethnic group. Famous works for anyone. Having draw is the key. I’ll wait for their knock.
Then of course I wrote a book and that is waiting to get published. I am tweaking my proposal which is why my house is a mess. Will be fun to clean up. I think I got a mouse.
Then of course there is the question of should I even stay in NYC? One manager told me to move to LA during pilot season, try to get seen, try to book some TV work, and go that route. While the Hollywood dream is wonderful I would just be auditioning. There is no guarantee I would book. Plus it is more expensive than NYC out there. I would need a place to live, a car, and that would mean learning how to drive. Never got around to getting that liscense and cabs are expensive. You need a car in LA, end of story. Plus it could cost a fortune to move, it might not work out, and if I want to audition and get seen for TV I can do it in NYC as well.
Then there is the question of should I move to Europe and try my luck there. I just appeared in Chat Magazine, a UK version of People and Redbook. Again it would be the question of money, where to stay, and then I would have to get a work Visa.
Someone suggested Chicago or Boston. While both are smaller markets with quality art, as long as I am going to move I want it to be a big market that furthers my career. Chicago is more improv and I have grown to detest improv over the years. Boston has some good comedy but as I recall they are all moving here.
I have no idea what my next move is. Maybe I could join the Friar’s Club, pay a few hundred dollars a month, and use it as a credit. I have heard it is easy to get in. You just need people to recommend you. However, most of the Friars don’t like me. So there we go. Maybe someday, or maybe not. For now I would have to pay them dues perhaps on an EBT card. Yes, I have visibility but am broke assed broke.
Either way, I am busy plotting my next move. I don’t want to be a reality star that has her five minutes and fades like the shooting star in the sky. One girl on Last Comic who was on a few years ago was hot shit and now she calls the avails line like everyone else. She used to be a big deal now no one gives a shit about her. I don’t want to end up like that. So as confusing as it might be, I ask asking God, Buddah, or Frank the Pink Bunny to show me what to do or where to go next.
One thing is for sure, I have a singing telegram today in Staten Island. Better get ready for that. Oh and I also need to finish retweaking my book proposal. Okay, maybe I almost have it figured out. Love April